I promise you that I did not plan on this week being Strange Ways to Die Week. It just turned out that way for some weird reason.
Earlier, I wrote about a guy dressed in a ghillie suit at night setting up a Bigfoot hoax on the highway and getting creamed by a Toyota. He did not come down for breakfast.
|Bad Ass Ass|
Now some poor soul down in South Texas has been killed at the hands (hooves?) of his pet donkey! This guy wasn’t just some Dumbass who was trying to schtoop an ass or something, he was the well-respected Mayor of Hollywood Park, Texas.
Here’s the story from woai.com in San Antonio: “The Atascosa County Sheriff’s Office said Wednesday that the death of Hollywood Park Mayor William “Bill” Bohlke appears to be an accident. Bohlke was 65.
Chief Deputy David Soward says Bohlke apparently was attacked Monday morning by a male, aggressive donkey he kept on the ranch.
Investigators say the donkey and several others are still on the property with other livestock.
“He loved his animals. He loved ranching,” said Sandra Wilson.
According to the neighbor, Bohlke’s wife was concerned when he didn’t return to Hollywood Park after checking on his animals.
After dark, Wilson said several neighbors, jumped on all terrain vehicles and went looking for the Air Force veteran.
They found his truck still running hours after he was attacked.”
Calls for Ass Control
It’s difficult for me to poke fun at a guy who gets killed by a donkey apparently aggressive because of a female in heat, but getting sent to your reward by an ass looking for some female ass is not something you read about every day. Unless you live in Guatemala or some shit. Death by Donkey down there has seen a dramatic increase in recent years brought on by Global Warming-caused ass horniness. Why, animal rights pussies are even calling for ass control in many regions of Central America.
Screwing a donkey in Iran on the other hand is called “Tuesday night” by the rag heads over there.
OK, I confess. I made that part up. Except for the rag heads fucking donkeys in Iran. That shit really happens.
For now, at least ass control is off the table in Guatemala and other countries in the region. That all will change, however, when Juan Valdez is stomped into the Afterlife by that stupid burro he totes around the coffee plantation in Colombia. mark my words.
In the Meantime…
What’s a Fearless Leader to do when some guy is randomly attacked an killed by a horny donkey? Make fun of the poor bastard?
Not this time.
I can however eviscerate the donkey.
What in the name of all that is Holy would cause a donkey, a pet donkey no less(!), to attack a human being? Are donkeys stoopid enough to think that a man would steal his female ass from him? Oh, wait. I just remembered Iranian donkey humping. This activity must have made its way around the worldwide donkey community, thus contributing to this erratic donkey behavior. Donkeys are devious that way. And so are horny Iranians.
What a bunch of asses.
The crack research staff here at Dumbass News is a dedicated group of Dumbasses who take their jobs very seriously. This crack research team consists of me. And Mrs. Fearless Leader. Even though we are called a crack research team, we do not research crack. Or cracks for that matter. We are not on crack either. But, we are a crack research team.
Mrs. Fearless Leader was doing some crack research (though not about crack) when she came upon a story that is as Dumbass worthy as any story can be. The story is about a man who died a crack death. that is to say, with a crack in his face. A butt crack. Mrs. Fearless Leader was not researching cracks when she found the story, the crack is, however, an integral part of the tale. (pun intended)
Remember: crack kills.
B.C. (Before Crack)
When most people die, it’s usually because of old age or disease. How-so-ever, some people die in ways that even Stephen King couldn’t come up with. I’m talking weird shit here.
Here’s a quick rundown of some of the strange ways in which the Grim Reaper paid a visit to some most unfortunate folks:
- Two guys were out in the desert doing a little target practice on some Saguaro cactus. One of the guys took aim with his shotgun and BLAM! The dude put a very large hole in the 25 foot tall Saguaro. The hole was large enough that it left the cactus unable to support itself. Then gravity took over and it fell. On the guy. And killed him. Grave. Yard. Dead.
- It was 1277 and Pope John XXI wanted a new laboratory, so he ordered one to be built. Now, you’d think that with a ton of money at his disposal, The Pontiff’s new lab would be made of the best and sturdiest of materials. I guess it wasn’t because it fell on him and soon the white smoke was coming from the Vatican chimney announcing his successor. R.I.P. Il Papa.
- In 1911, Jack Daniel (yes that Jack Daniel) forgot the combination to his safe. He then threw a temper tantrum and ended up kicking the safe. Soon thereafter he was dead from blood poisoning.
Which brings us to Robert Gene White.
Robert died in a very strange but almost envious manner.
You see, Robert was at the Red Parrot Club (NSFW Linkage!) in El Paso, Texas when he bought the farm. Just in case you didn’t/couldn’t check out the link, the Red Parrot is a strip joint. Robert was there looking at perky young hooters when he thought it would be a good idea to get a lap dance. As it turned out it was a lousy idea to get a lap dance.
This is where the crack comes in to play.
Smack dab in the middle of this intimate encounter with a stripper’s butt Robert Gene White met his Maker. Keeled over right on the spot. Dead as a door nail. It appears that a massive coronary was the culprit. That must have been some ass on that stripper.
As a Former Professional Drinker and Friend to Strippers, I can honestly tell you that I have never heard of a guy having a fatal heart attack during a lap dance. I can tell you of times where fatal shootings and stabbings took place during a lap dance, but a heart attack? Not so much.
As is the case with stuff like this, I have a question or two.
- Is the stripper with the great ass guilty of a crime? Involuntary manslaughter caused by too much ass to the face, perhaps? Suffocation by hooters?
- In instances like this, should strippers be required to know CPR or is giving a horny old bastard Vapor Lock just a hazard of the job?
- Did she get to keep her tip?
According to the story, several members of the club’s staff tried to revive Robert but it was too late. He was pronounced dead at the scene.
With a big smile on his face.
Moral of the story?
Crack kills. And what a way to go.
|No More Exposed Asses!
Today is gonna b a wild day here at the Dumbass Dome, so I went down stairs and rumaged mtyway around the Dumbass Dungeon and came up with Good Ole Goodern for you today. I’ll make an effort to put up a new post later so until then, go out and make it a Dumbass Day!
I have found a town where I would like to raise my family should the need arise. Jonesboro, Georgia. Why? Because of its Southern charm? no. The laid back life in Jonesboro? Nope. Its proximity to Atlanta? Never been to Hotlanta and don’t want to go. I love Jonesboro, Georgia because they have done something few cities across this country have the balls to do. They have banned saggy pants!
This has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time. Our young people today have been exposed to a bunch of punks and dumbasses (I am looking squarely at you, rappers) and their parents have fallen asleep at the wheel when it comes to common sense regarding their kids’ choice of wardrobe these days. Dumbasses. Nobody wants to see your ass or drawers in public, ya little goofballs. I mean this ain’t young men imitating Elvis or the Beatles by growing sideburns or longer hair. We’re talking a public display of rear ends and underwear here. Pull your damn pants up! If you want to show your butts and Fruit of the Looms in public, go to San Francisco. After a couple of days there, you’ll buy a chain and a padlock to keep your pants up. Don’t believe me? Take a look at what happens at the Folsom Street Fair in San Fransissy. Warning! Not safe for work or Children! Those guys would love to see your ass on public display. I don’t.
I’d like to personally thank the City leaders of Jonesboro for doing what so many Local leaders of cities all over the US are too scared or unwilling to do. Pussies. It’s comforting to know that somebody somewhere still cares about decency and good manners and teaching our children that “if it feels good, do it” is a fucked up way to go through life. “But, Toby”, you say, “all the other kids do it!”. I don’t give a shit if the Pope does it, it still ain’t right! It doesn’t make you look like a tough guy or real cool, it makes you look like a fucking idiot. And for you parents…get a grip on your kids! Bust some ass if you have to, ground them or take away their car keys, whatever it takes to get them to look respectable in public. You are the final arbiter in situations like this. Use some parental authority and use it til the kids puke. They are your responsibility until they turn 18. At 18 if they wanna dress like Kanye West, fine. Until then, tell them to quit dressing like a bunch of dipshit rappers that promote sex like it was chocolate and who denegrate women like they were the King’s concubines. Fuck the rappers. Man (or woman) up!
Cops have one of the toughest jobs in the world. So a little workplace levity to ease the tension that police officers face every day doesn’t seem like a bad idea. That is, until a dumbass cop tasers the ass of a female colleague. At this point, a little workplace levity becomes a little workplace sexual harassment, or at the very least a dumbass idea when the workplace is Police Headquarters!
Here’s the deal: a lady cop goes over to a male colleague and shows him something on her iPod. He then pulls out his taser (thank, God that’s all he pulled out) and started chasing the lady cop around the police department building and the dumbass tases his female co-worker in her ass! That’s his first problem. his second problem is the fact that the police department has video cameras in every possible place! His third problem is that there are several fellow police officers witnessing this whole ass-tasing! The guy cop’s next problem is that the local media are on this story like a duck on a June bug, which leads to the guy’s next problem – Lt. Rich Gibbons, who, despite the fact that he is an accomplished Sheriff’s Deputy, he is also a dumbass. While being interviewed about the incident by a local TV station, Lt. Gibbons said (this is an exact quote) “It wasn’t done as a malicious act, but it was horseplay utilizing a Taser.” What.The Frak.? “Horseplay utilizing a taser”? It is my understanding that all police officers go through taser training which includes having the taser used on their own selves. It is also my understanding that a taser dispenses an electric shock of about 50,000 volts! Now, it may just be me, but if I were to be hit with 50,000 volts, my gazebos would would somehow go back to from whence they came, and I would have to change my name to Tobina. thanks, but no thanks. Lt. Gibbons then chimes in with this classic, “My reaction is that it’s not tolerable” because it’s on taxpayer time. That utterance in and of itself leads us in new direction of dumbassery, but that’s for another time.
Again, let me say that I have done a lot of work with police departments all over the state of Texas as a media guy back in the day, and I have nothing but the greatest respect and admiration for an often thankless but dangerous job that they do. That said, I am only highlighting this one incident, in which a lone cop acts like a dumbass. My advice to the dumbass cop with the tasering the ass fetish, next time man up and show her your night stick. Dumbass.