Category: Assault Rifle

Dumbass Steals Guns from FBI Car!

I start off this post with a familiar refrain, “there is no shortage of Dumbasses that make finding material for Dumbass News easy as pie.” Today another group of Duimbasses is highlighted as being the most deserving idiots available in being honored (snicker, snicker) as Dumbasses of the Day.

The unique thing about this story is the fact that it has a “trickle down effect”. By that I mean that it started with a Dumbass at the Top and oozed down to a couple of other Dumbasses involved in the incident.

Burglary of a Car

Here’s the deal…Dumbass #1 broke into a car park in front of the car owner’s house. He stole some shit. By shit I mean a submachine gun, assault rifle, shotgun and some other jazz. (The Jazz includes: a “Remington 870 shotgun, a Colt M16 and an H&K MP-5 submachine gun were missing from the trunk. A bulletproof vest and various magazines and ammunition also were gone.” Thanks sfgate.com!) At this point, I am asking myself, “Fearless Leader Self, what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway?” I’ll tell you what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway. An FBI Agent, that’s what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway.

Will Trade for Pot

Enter “Trickle Down”.

A Whole Lotta Tricklin’ Goin’ On Out There

Scatter Gun

Now Dumbass #1 meets up with his compadre, whom we’ll call Dumbass #2 (clever, ain’t I?), and gives him the pilfered loot. Now, I am not a felon nor do I play one on TV, but I’m thinkin’ that if I do something this damn stoopid, I am gonna go Full Tilt Boogie Stoopid. Lead or follow, just get the hell outta my way.

Back to Dumbass #2…now this dumbfuck has all this stolen weaponry and is looking to ditch it as soon as possible. #2 takes all the guns and shit, spreads them all out on his bed and starts the sales process. By way of text messages! Now where have we heard about Dumbasses sending texts that end up gnawing their asses off? Oh, yeah, I remember. There’s the story of the guy selling dope by texting and one of his messages ends up on 10 year old’s cell phone. The 10 year old’s Grandpa is a State Trooper! Hilarity ensues. The website, Texts From Last Night (NSFW) has some outstanding text messages in their archives.

Bureau Formal Wear

Quickly recapping, Dumbass #2 got the stolen shit from Dumbass #1 and is texting out his sales pitch to other Dumbasses. Finally, he make s a “bidness arrangement” with, you guessed it, Dumbass #3. #2 has several thousand dollars worth of military grade weapons and what does he get in return for them? $120 and an ounce of pot. Depending on the quality of the weed, it could go for as much as a few hundred dollars an o-z <—a little drug dealer lingo there. That adds up to maybe 500 bucks. Not only is #2 a Dumbass, he’s a bad bidness man too.

Trickling Back Up   

Let the gurgling begin. Dumbass #3 screws up good enough to get busted and it was just a matter of time before Numbers 1 and 2 got popped and they did. That is what is called “climbing the ladder”. Kind of like baseball, but instead of balls and strikes, we’re dealing Dumbasses here. Also, there are no felonies in baseball. I think.

All three Dumbasses now face some serious Federal Pen time for stealing gubmint property and being in possession of guns they ain’t supposed to be in possession of. It’s just a matter of whether their new address will be in Sing Sing or Leavenworth.

Hopefully, our three actors will run into someone who can show ’em what a “sawed-off shotgun” is all about – our Dumbass News Adopted Felon Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams. When they “befriend” Leon, he’ll show ’em what assault with a deadly weapon is all about.

Dumbasses.