Category: Assault

Assault By Cheez-Its! Critics Call for Snack Cracker Control!

Best of Dumbass News

During moments of temporary insanity or as we call it here on Dumbass News, dumbassery, people are inclined to do some pretty damn stoopid stuff, including assault. Assault with, shall we say unusual objects. We have covered many such incidents on these pages and each new one seems to be more bizarre than the one before it.

A few examples of Dumbasses Gone Wild (soon to be on DVD!) I have brought to the attention of Dumbasses around the world range from the lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy to the story of a one legged man assaulted by a Dumbass with a cucumber salad. I ain’t makin’ this shit up.

I ain’t makin’ the following shit up either.

Snack Attack

By “snack attack” I don’t mean some dumbass smoked a fatty and went for the Cheetos like a pit bull on a t-bone. I mean he actually committed assault with a snack food! Cheez-Its to be precise.

Andy Gatz, the Dumbass Du Jour in Palm Bay, Florida, got quite upset with his wife. Why was Andy so pissed off at his beloved? She had the unmitigated gall to attend a concert celebrating Earth Day! While I think Earth Day is a Liberal Pussy Steaming Pile ©, getting so bent over such a stoopid thing is a bit over the line. Even for a Dumbass.

Good old Andy was so livid that he picked up a box of Cheez-Its and threw them at his spouse hitting her in the eye! Not only did the Cheez-Its smack the woman in the peeper, a small piece of one of the snack crackers lodged in her eye causing some sort of injury.

The lady was treated at a local Emergency Room and released.

This Ain’t the First Time

Cheez-Its are a popular tool of the trade with Dumbass Criminals in Florida. Just last year in Jacksonville, a burglar who had busted into a Jax home was so proud of himself that he actually took a photo of himself holding a box of Cheez-Its signed by then Head Coach of the NFL Jacksonville Jaguars, Jack Del Rio, during the commission of his crime! He is now a Prison Bitch. Andy, too, will soon be a favorite “snack food” of Bruce “The Horse” Fenwick. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

My advice to Andy is that the next time he gets infuriated enough to go Nolan Ryan on his wife, heave something original at the poor chick. Something that will do some serious damage. Like a can of Campbell Soup.

Nacho Cheese flavor of course. It makes a nice lube for future “Share Your Snack Time” at  the Florida Department of Corrections’ I Take It Up the Velveeta Boulevard Unit.



One Legged Old Man Attacked With Cucumber!

I am taking a day or two off. Enjoy the Best of Dumbass News!

I am a firm believer in a theory that my Dad taught me when I was a very young dumbass. “Do it right the first time and you ain’t gotta do it again”. Dad was right. Too often today I see young folks doing a half ass job on some chore (my own children included) and then whadaya know (!), they end up re-doing it until it’s done right. Dumbasses. Now when I say “do it right the first time…” I am talking about criminals too. For instance, don’t take a knife to a gun fight. Or…if you’re gonna commit a crime and the punishment is jail time, do a crime that’s worthy of jail time! If you are gonna assault somebody, for example, do it right the first time.

Dumbass Assault Weapon

Let me splain.

Some dumbass broad from Florida was recently arrested for assaulting a one-legged old man in a HoverRound…with a cucumber salad! This is a piss poor way of committing an assault. Proper assault of a one-legged old man tools include baseball bats, tire irons, brass knuckles, etc. I personally prefer the Charles Bronson Method of Using a roll of quarters in a sock, but then again I am Old School when it comes to assault, especially on One Legged Old Men in a HoverRound. Notice that cucumber salad is nowhere to be found on that list. “Do it right the first time…” Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything?

Long story short, the stoopid bitch was charged with a couple of felonies and, if convicted, could face several years behind bars and a bright future as “fresh meat” in a state prison, where cucumber salads are in short supply, broom handles aren’t, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Who knows? We may even see this dipshit on late night Cinemax in one of those “Women in Chains” movies. But let’s all pray that we don’t.

If only she’d done “it right the first time”.


Dumbass Sandwich Assault!

Melbeta, Nebraska. Population 112 in the 2010 Census.

That’s all I know about this tiny town except that it’s located near Scotts Bluff. I have heard of Scotts Bluff. Melbeta? Not so much. Until now. Thanks to two dumbasses and a sandwich.

Not So Quiet

One would think that such a small town would be a very quiet place. I guess it normally is. But all that peace and quiet was recently shattered when a couple, the Spurlings, got into it over the man’s boredom with living in the country.

Assault Sandwich

Things got so heated between the two that somewhere in there a sandwich assault occurred!

The Daily Mail fills us in, Mrs Spurling is reported to have become bored with the row and made herself a sandwich and returned to the couple’s bedroom – where he allegedly followed her.
The argument is then alleged to have become physical, with Mr Spurling accused of pulling his wife’s hair, pushing her down on the bed and rubbing the sandwich into her face.
Mr Spurling’s wife is reported to have had mayonnaise stains on her shirt when examined by the police.
She apparently told officers she had washed mayonnaise from her face and hair before they arrived at the property.
Mr Spurling, who denies the charge against him, was found lying face down on grass outside the couple’s home, according to the Scotts Bluff Star- Herald.

All Righty Then

I searched the Dumbass News Archives high and low and have verified that this is in fact the first Sandwich Assault story we have reported to you. What won’t we do to bring you the best dumbass stories out there? On second thought, it’s probably best not to ask that question, because God knows exactly what we’ll do for a few page views. But, I digress.
As you have prolly ascertained by now, this is BIG news in Melbeta. It’s not every day that a guy gets plastered on cheap ass malt likker and assails his wife with a bologna sandwich. This is such big news that it was picked up by one of the largest newspapers in the world! The whole sordid affair doesn’t do much for Melbeta’s image as a nice place to live, but still, news is news. Especially when it is Dumbass News-worthy. We only bring you quality stoopid shit. And we proved it again today. Nothing but the best shit for you, fellow Dumbasses.

It has been a pleasure exposing this sub assault and further showing what a drunk Dumbass and a sandwich can do for a small town’s standing in the Community of Man, while at the same time serving you a steaming pile of the premier poop you’ve come to expect from this blog.

Besides, the chick should have used mustard. Nobody uses mayo on a bologna sandwich. Those who do, suffer.


Dumbass Gets Awakened, Assaults Neighbor

What are you like when you wake up? Or better yet, what are you like when you get woke up?


If I am allowed to sleep until I am ready (or need to) get up, I am generally not too hard to get along with. But wake me up, especially for something that I think is silly, and look out! I am a 5’4″, 140 pound grizzly bear. Well, I would be if grizzly bears were 5’4″, 140.

My point is that some of us wake up and hit the floor running with a smile on our faces, while others of us ain’t so pleasant to be around upon awakening.

Our Dumbass of the Day fits into the latter category.


Justin Michael Byars got arrested for waking up in a lousy mood the other day. Really. He did.

Justin was sleeping when a neighbor came by and knocked on his door, thus waking him up. Justin was not amused. Later that day Justin, after stewing over the situation for a while, went to the neighbor’s house, barge him, beat him up and threw him into an aquarium!

While this is a highly effective method of kicking somebody’s ass, it is not recommended as a means of getting even just because you got woke up from your beauty sleep. The Newport News, VA PD agrees with me.

Justin got himself thrown in the slammer over the attack.

E.R. Visit

I have never been assaulted and slammed into an aquarium before, but I am fairly certain that there are much better things to be hurled into. Like a mattress, for example.

The victim of Justin’s tirade, whose name has not been released, was taken to the emergency room by another friend and he (the victim) received a shit load of stitches for his injuries and then notified The Fuzz.

The guy was lucky that he wasn’t more seriously injured.

Wake Me Up Gently 

I’m not saying that I would toss someone into an aquarium for waking me up in a manner that I found annoying, but I would not be above shoving an alarm clock up their ass. Waaayyy up their ass. That’s just how I roll.

Moral to the Story: Wake ’em up gently. Aquariums are expensive, not to mention sharp as a knife when shattered to smithereens, and alarm clocks are not easily passed through one’s anal cavity. At least not when coming back out.

I’m just sayin’.


Girl Beats Up Dude Who Won’t Give Her "Some"

Best of Dumbass News

WARNING! Probably NSFW! Be On The Lookout for the Boss!

Yearning for Freedom…And BOB

Sex. Three little letters with such a profound meaning. Or result. Or consequences. Or something. “Normal” people, and Dumbasses too, need, want and crave sex. Having said that, however, there are limits to which a Dumbass (including for the sake of brevity and my poor typing skillz, henceforth, “normal” people too) wanting to get laid must adhere to. Period. There’s another small but powerful word for sexual overtures that are either unwanted or unwelcome. That word is RAPE. Unless you are a sexual deviant, or from Iran, but I digress, rough sex is a no no. End of story. No ifs, ands or unwanted spankings.

99.999999999% of criminal complaints about forced sex have men as the perpetrator. There are, however, some rare cases that involve women as the aggressor in these situations. Yes, I’m looking at you sex-starved hottie school teachers who coerce some lucky 16 year old bastard poor young man into a game of hide the Teenie Weenie with promises of better grades at school and daily blowjobs.

Today’s story is one in which the young lady is the horny bimbo going to extreme measures in order to do the Horizontal Hula.

Gettin’ Rough

1664.81 miles from my house to Miami in the FLA, is a little hot tamale named Inez Nunez who is your normal, every day 18 year old nymphomaniac. I mean, this girl wanted her boyfriend to lay the chorizo to her in the worst way. Simply put, the bitch was as horny as a two peckered billy goat.

Sadly for Inez, her novio ( little Espanol lingo there meaning boyfriend) was not in the mood to play esconda la salchicha or as we gringos say, hide the weenie. After much pillow talk, pleading and weenie massaging, Inez’s efforts remained fruitless. This is when she resorted to a more “persuasive” method of getting porked. She began to beat the shit out of her boyfriend! To my way of thinking, having a woman stomp a mud hole in me is not what I would call sexually stimulating. A felony perhaps, but it ain’t no way to make Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm stand at attention. But that’s just how I roll.

Exercising Restraint

Miraculously, somehow the boyfriend had enough snap about him to not retaliate against Inez as she continued to slap him upside the head. Not so miraculously, Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm had decided that standing at attention was not in the cards at this point. Poor Inez. if only she had a Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB), this whole unfortunate incident would have never come about. Now that I think about it, if she did have a BOB and used it in a Lesbian Porn Flick kind of way, she prolly would have laid, fried, ti-died and put to the side. Willie and the boyfriend might, just might, mind you, have been properly encouraged to participate in a little Mattress Mambo. Alas, it was not to be. The mood was ruined when the ass-kickin’ started. And when the cops arrived.

Ruined Mood

As Fate would have it, the roll in the hay that Inez wanted, nay, craved, and turned into something quite different that she had hoped for. Instead of getting pounded like a cheap steak, she was on her way to the Broward County Center for Horny Bitches Who Assault Their Lovers To Get a Little Pokey Pokey. On the bright side of things, I’ll bet you a nickel that Inez will get plenty of attention from some of her new friends in the lockup. No BOB necessary, batteries not included and some assembly required.

All this bullshit just to get some.

Inez is a cute young felon and I feel in my heart of hearts that she could have found some studly young man to fulfill her “needs” if she had just tried. Her boyfriend is obviously a Justin Bieber fan who couldn’t, or wouldn’t, nail Jessica Alba if she was the one beating him like a red headed step child. But that, of course, is purely speculative. His being a pussy, on the other hand, is not.

Closing Arguments

Actually, I have no argument to make here, but this is the closing of this tale of the wrong pussy getting beat up, right? Besides, I was a PreLaw Major (Dropout) in college, so I like to say “closing arguments” whenever I can.

Conclusions: Inez committed a felony and still didn’t get hammered, the boyfriend is a pussy and Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm is still in hiding. What a sad ending to a potentially terrific Porn Flick to Be.

I’ll be taking up a Batteries for BOB Fund Raiser for Inez so she’ll be “armed and dangerous”, IYKWIMAITYD, when she gets paroled. Send all donations through the PayPal “Donate” button in the right side bar. It’s the least I could do for Inez. And BOB.


Mitt Romney’s Photo Drives Dumbass to Beat Girlfriend

I am a let and let live kind of guy. I couldn’t really care less what people in the privacy of their homes. Gay? Go pack the fudge. Bigamist? Have fun. But you are a Dumbass. Drugs? Shoot, snort, smoke, whatever til you puke or die, I don’t give a shit. As long as nobody is forced into participation, have at it. Having said all that, leave the kids and animals out of it. That’s where I draw the line and make sure the rope is short and the tree is tall. No kids. Period.

One more thing that people, mainly men, do behind closed doors that really chaps my ass is beat wimmin. I can’t abide by that at any time for any reason. Wanna be a tough guy? Come see me. We’ll “talk”. Pussy. Asshole. Coward. Again , I refer to the tall tree, short rope analogy above. End. Of. Story.


What kills me is the reasons these Dumbasses give for hitting on wimmin. She talked to another guy. She looked at another guy. Supper was cold. Oh, yeah, Tough Guy? Cold is what you’ll soon be if you ever lay a hand on my wife or daughters.

Former “Tough Guy”; New Prison Bitch

Some Redneck Dumbass in Tennessee has a good one (Sarcasm Alert!) for punching out his live-in girlfriend – she is having an affair with Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney. Really. She is. Dumbass saw Romney’s photo on his woman’s Facebook page. And it made him angry. Real angry. Angry enough to smack her in the chops with a closed fist.

Now this “affair” may come as news to Mitt Romney who’s as squeaky clean as a counter top wash with Pine Sol. Many of you may not like his views on the issues of the day, but the dude ain’t no philanderer. Hell. He’s a Mormon for Church of Jesus Christ – Latter Day Saints sake. Plus, he’s been married to his wife, Ann, for something like 38 gazillion years without a hint of an extra marital scandal.

So, for whatever “reason”, Ol’ Mitt made Butt Boy (the Redneck Dumbass) mad as hell. Now he should be scared as hell.

All Well That Ends in Hell

These days it looks like Lover Boy will spend a little time romancing the stones in the county lock up. Say what you can and will about prisoners, but, collectively, they hate a guy that beats on wimmin. When they find out what the Redneck Dumbass, Lowell Turpin of Knoxville is in for, his anal cavity will get tighter than a mosquito’s assholle stretch over a rain barrell. For a while.

I’d venture a guess that good ol’ Loweel never took that small detail into consideration before he belted hid old lady. No it’s time to pay the piper, L-Turp. Now you’ll find out exactly what having your dignity and self-worth taken away is all about, Choir Boy – soprano, of course. The German have a word in deriving guilty pleasure from the pain of others – schadenfreude. Well, Hoss, your schaden is a bout to be freued- ed.

Write home soon and tell the family that you are now a homo, you are gonna feel like one.

Have a nice day.


Castration by Dennis Rodman, Cow Sex & Immigrant Felonies!

This was a very busy week at Dumbass News. We had an outstanding crop of Dumbasses to harvest for you, but unfortunately many of you missed the pickin’s. 

So for the Dumbasses that were for some reason unable to enjoy the fruits of our labors, and for the newest Dumbasses who just now smelling the manure of our Garden of Dumbassery, we give you, in spite of Public Outrage and Threats of Litigation, the Dumbass Week in Review!

  • There’s no better way to start a new week than with a good rousing session of  Mad Monkey Cow Sex and it’s role in ushering in The End of the World. This kind of stuff is the reason I live to do write this blog. I am a blessed man.
  • We have another case of a woman, or in this case, King Kong, going completely off her rocker and doing major damage to some poor guys gazebos. This is an epidemic and it must be stopped at any cost, or soon there will be no men with gazebos left in the world!
  • There are hundreds of millions of the world’s 7 billion people who see the United States as a beacon for Freedom, Liberty and a place in which to create a better lifestyle for their families in a land of limitless opportunity. Unfortunately we also have Liberals who take the opposite view of their own country. Maybe we can trade a Liberal for each Freedom-seeking immigrant who goes through the proper channels to become an American Citizen. One for one. Immigrant becomes American, Liberal becomes foreigner. I like it. With that brilliant idea on the table for our elected Dumbasses in Congress to consider, we covered the story of an immigrant who wanted to become an American in the worst way. “The worst way” meaning she beat the hell out of her boyfriend because he didn’t want to marry her.

You can look on the internet for years and not find a collection of Dumbassery like this. I care enough about you to do it for you. So, sally forth my Dumbass Minions into the Realm of What the Hell Am I Doing This For? 

You deserve it.