Category: Augusta

Best Buy Shoplifter vs. United States Marines; Multiple Injuries Ensue

Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, Georgia was at Best Buy minding his own bidness as he was doing his Christmas shoplifting a little early this year when his plans went awry. And by “awry” I mean he was met with a surprise as he tried to escape with a purloined laptop.

Semper Fi.

Dumbass.

***Shamelessly Ripped Off from I Hate the Media***

Science, Hot Rod HoverRounds and Gubmint Checks for Dead People!

Kids Playing in October (!) Snow

Here it is the day before Halloween and we are still under a Winter Storm Warning until this afternoon. We got plenty of snow overnight but the ground was still fairly warm so the snow didn’t stick for several hours when things finally cooled down. I measured the amount of snow on the ground this morning using a highly scientific method called “My Index Finger”.  This is an incredibly accurate mathematical method of measurement using units called “knuckles”. The results of this experiment revealed that we had about 4 inches on the ground and my guess is about 7 or 8 inches total. As I mentioned yesterday in this vomit inducing drivel literary masterpiece, the historical average first snow date in Augusta, Maine is November 17. Why do I feel like this little storm is an omen of things to come? Oh, yeah. I live in New England and it snows like a two-peckered billy goat pissin’ on a flat rock every winter.

It’s Sunday, therefore it’s time to uncover some of those Dumbass Gems from the archives. Since we are picking up new readers at an alarming amazing rate, chances are that many of you have not had to chance to read some of the older posts on Dumbass News. Then again, it could be that you just don’t give a shit about the older stuff. I shall, however, regale you with the type of articles that, thankfully, are not found anywhere else on the whole, entire internet. Besides, after reading these ‘Golden Oldies”, you’ll want to get as drunk and/or stoned as you can and use a generous portion of Brain Bleach to erase any memory of the horror you just experienced. But, hey, life is punctuated by events that shape us into what we are today – a sad bunch of pathetic dumbasses.

Golden Oldies

  • Hot Rod Mobility Scooters Run Wild! – I wrote this story on Halloween Day, 2010 and it is still being sought out by dumbasses worldwide. These scooters could be the Next Big Thing in motorsports, crushing all other racing organizations in its wake. No more NASCAR. No more NHRA. No more slot cars!
  • Dead People Get Gubmint Checks! – I have been fighting the United States Gubmint for my own damned money for about a year and a half down. They have been, up to this point in time, shall we say, non responsive. No, let’s don’t say non responsive, let’s say they have been fucking me over. While researchinhis article, I found a sure fire way to get my money from the Gubmint. All I have to do is DIE! Well, that’s certainly simple enough, but I’d really like to see my 9 and 4 year old daughters grow into women before that happens. But, a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do. 
  • San Francisco is Full of McDumbassesIt’s San Francissy. Need I say more?

Week (insert number here) of the 2011 NFL Season is about to begin, so do whatever it is that you do during football games. Like learning the “My Index Finger” method of measuring for first downs.

Dumbass.

Dumbasses Are On Hold for a Blizzard!

Tonight Tomorrow Tomorrow Night
Blizzard Blizzard Snow / Wind Early
Mostly Cloudy Blizzard Blizzard Snow / Wind Early
18°F 23° 27° 10°
Feels Like:

Low High

I am putting Dumbass News on hold for today because the area in which I live is under a Blizzard Warning. Click on over to my “home blog” to keep track of what’s going on as it happens!

Thanks!
Toby

BREAKING Dumbass News! Live Dumbass Alert Issued!

This is a first for Dumbass News! A Live Dumbass Alert is being issued for South Central Maine. This Dumbass Alert  includes the Greater Augusta Area.We normally go online to look up all the Dumbass News that you read here, the news that so-called “news organizations” are too pussyfied to bring to you. However, a short time ago, a Dumbass News-worthy event took place about 50 yards from my front door. Here’s my exclusive report:

I got a call from a neighbor, who lives just across the way from us, on the Dumbass News Hotline about a breaking Dumbass News story. My neighbor, Tracie who shall remain nameless was the first dumbass on the scene, as this event took place about 25 feet from her back porch. Tracie My neighbor, despite being a dumbass, had the presence of mind to call me, The Head Dumbass at Dumbass News, with the first details from the scene of the dumbassery. I’d paraphrase what Tracie my neighbor had to say, but she’s a dumbass with a speech impediment and this is all I could make out, “oaocjappewf c nj/ACnv’;” I’m a little rusty when it comes to Dumbass, Spanish I know, Dumbass, I am learning, and this what I could gather: “Some stupid fuck dumbass just came around the “S” turn by the pre-school on an icy and snowy road, and bought it in the culvert behind my apartment”.

Looking Out Tracie’s My Neighbors Back Door

Sure enough, I went over to the scene of the dumbassery and there was a small gold car perched on the rock lining of the culvert, about two feet from being in a few feet of water. Since I am a Professional Dumbass, I took my camera with me to capture this dumbass moment in a photo to be used as an example of how NOT to drive on snowpacked roads. If you look at the driver’s side front door closely, in the photo above,you’ll see the reflection of a light. In the photo below, you’ll see that that reflection is coming from the cruiser of one of Augusta’s Finest. What you can’t see is the dumbass who pulled this little stunt is a passenger in the back seat of the squad car. bwahahahahahaahahahahaha

Thankfully, nobody was hurt in this accident and the dumbass driver will have a nice Christmas story to tell his dumbass grand kids some day. But the most important thing the dumbass can cherish and brag about until the day he dies, is that he was once the Dumbass of the Day!

Missed it by that much!

(dumbass hat tip to Tracie my nameless neighbor)