Category: Bangor Daily News

Woman Refuses Money for Sex, Gets Slapped by Penis!

2012 has given us a bumper crop of Dumbasses, once again making it an extremely close race in the quest for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award. And just when things started to sort themselves out in this year’s competition, along comes Fred Thomas of Cushing, Maine throwing a monkey wrench into the Dumbass of the Year (DoY) selection process.

Your Source for Penis News in Maine

What’s Fearless Leader to do?

As a “You Big Dummy” Selection Committee of One, the enormous burden of  making the right choice for DoY falls squarely and heavily upon my shoulders. Fred Thomas has made this task infinitely more difficult.

The Scenario  

  1. Fred separates from his wife of 39 years.
  2. Wife runs into difficult times.
  3. In order to make it through said difficult times, wife of 39 years moves back in with Fred. 
  4. Fred wants to have sex with estranged wife and offers her $20 to give him some.
  5. Wife says, “No nookie”, which angers Fred.
  6. Angry Fred pulls out his goober and slaps the wife with it!
  7. Wife calls cops after penis assault.

From israelsurvivalupdates.com by way of the Bangor Daily News, the story continues: Fred E. Thomas pleaded guilty to 180 days in jail with all but five days suspended and was placed on probation for a year for domestic violence assault and indecent conduct.   A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed. 

Defense Attorney Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending.   He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online.   “This was not his normal conduct,” Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the sentencing hearing in Knox County Superior Court.   Assistant District Attorney Christopher Fernald asked for Thomas to serve seven days in jail, while Andrus asked for just probation and no jail time.
Hjelm said a jail term was appropriate in this case.   “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive,” Hjelm said.   The wife did not seek jail time for Thomas but did ask that he undergo counseling for anger management, which was ordered.
  
Fearless Leader’s Observations

  • It is not a good idea to move back in with someone you have left in the ash heap of failed marriages.
  • The above is especially true if you have found another love interest – particularly if the new love interest is a camel fucker from Pakistan. Google “women’s rights rights in Pakistan”. The camel he screws has more rights than his woman. I’m just sayin’.
  • It’s bad form to offer your soon-to-be ex-wife twenty bucks for sex.
  • It is egregiously bad form to pull out your thang and cockslap your soon-to-be ex-wife when she says no to your most generous offer of carnal pleasures.
  • The wife is an idiot.
  • The Judge is right – “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive.
  • Being slapped in the face by a penis is not one of those times to turn the other cheek. Unless you are into that kind of shit.
  • I have been to Rockland, Maine (where this story took place) and have never once been threatened by a menacing penis.  
  • Why are so many penises in the news these days?
  • Fred is a finalist for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award.

Dumbass.


 


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I Stabbed You in the Back Because I Love You

Gentlemen, when you ask a lovely person of the female persuasion to be your bride, you are asking her to be your partner until death you do part. She is is to be treated with the dignity and respect due a woman who will one day bear your children. She is to be cherished for being the invaluable treasure she is. In short, don’t piss her off! When sufficiently provoked, the pookie bear of your life turns into she devil with felonious intentions. Consider yourself lucky if your beloved requires an ample amount of you giving her shit before she finds her chicken cuttin’ scissors and applies them to your gazebos. SNIP SNIP

Best of Dumbass News

I have a story today that is aimed squarely at you poor married schmucks. Pay close attention, you’ll be quizzed on this later.

Cynthia Dorian. (Photo courtesy of Penobscot County Jail)
Back Stabber

A guy just up I-95 in Bangor didn’t even have to make his dumbass wife mad before she slammed a kitchen knife into the dude’s back. When the cops asked her why she did that she replied (take note of this, guys) “because he drives me nuts!” Well that settles that, dumbass. Hell, if my wife stabbed me every time I made her mad, I’d look like sandwich cut roast beef from the supermarket deli. I have over time, learned to say “yes ma’am” when she gets that Texas Chainsaw Massacre look in her eyes and sh hasn’t made fajita meat out of me in over 3 weeks! But, I digress. Meanwhile back in Bangor…the crazy bitch stabbed her old man for no damn good reason and she was promptly arrested and charged with all kinds of good stuff, including assault with a dangerous weapon.

Now get this. The dumbass lunatic broad was released from jail after posting a cash bond. Fair enough. A cash bond of $1500!!! Are you fucking kidding me? Fifteen hundred dollars? For stabbing a guy in the back??!! What kind of dumbass judge would pull such a stunt? Damn! Oh, well, this is Bangor we’re talking about here. Nice town, but a Liberal weenie paradise, or so I’m told. Two things I do know about Little Boston Bangor, there’s a crazy bitch out of jail on bond that should not be allowed to touch any kitchen utensils but spoons and some dickweed judge needs lessons in bail-setting. Dumbasses.

(Hat tip: Bangor Daily News)

The All New "Dumbass News" ! New Look, Same Dumbass News

New Look!

Last night and this morning I have playing around with a new template for Dumbass News. The old one was OK but it was getting old and didn’t really have a dumbass feel to it. The new one does. It’s quite a bit different as you can tell, bit it’s brighter, cheerful-er (and who’s happier than a dumbass?) and has more of a look.
umbass
The blog has not changed! You’ll still get the Dumbass News that you’ve grown to hate love. It was simply time for a change, so I made it, being the Head Dumbass and all.

I would love to hear what you think since I write this blog for you, humanity, and not myself. I want to make a difference in the world and I feel a more dumbass-representative look to the blog would show how fucked up serious I am. Anyway, leave a comment on your thoughts about the new template, good, bad or indifferent. Your opinion matters to me.

Thanks & Adios,
Toby, Head Dumbass

Love That Cuts Like a Knife…Oh, Wait! That IS a Knife!

Lunatic

I have a story today that is aimed squarely at you poor married schmucks. Pay close attention, you’ll be quizzed on this later.

Gentlemen, when you ask a lovely person of the female persuasion to be your bride, you are asking her to be your partner until death you do part. She is is to be treated with the dignity and respect due a woman who will one day bear your children. She is to be cherished for being the invaluable treasure she is. In short, don’t piss her off! When sufficiently provoked, the pookie bear of your life turns into she devil with felonious intentions. Consider yourself lucky if your beloved requires an ample amount of you giving her shit before she finds her chicken cuttin’ scissors and applies them to your gazebos. SNIP SNIP

A guy just up I-95 in Bangor didn’t even have to make his dumbass wife mad before she slammed a kitchen knife into the dude’s back. When the cops asked her why she did that she replied (take note of this, guys) “because he drives me nuts!” Well that settles that, dumbass. Hell, if my wife stabbed me every time I made her mad, I’d look like sandwich cut roast beef from the supermarket deli. I have over time, learned to say “yes ma’am” when she gets that Texas Chainsaw Massacre look in her eyes and sh hasn’t made fajita meat out of me in over 3 weeks! But, I digress. Meanwhile back in Bangor…the crazy bitch stabbed her old man for no damn good reason and she was promptly arrested and charged with all kinds of good stuff, including assault with a dangerous weapon.

Now get this. The dumbass lunatic broad was released from jail after posting a cash bond. Fair enough. A cash bond of $1500!!! Are you fucking kidding me? Fifteen hundred dollars? For stabbing a guy in the back??!! What kind of dumbass judge would pull such a stunt? Damn! Oh, well, this is Bangor we’re talking about here. Nice town, but a Liberal weenie paradise, or so I’m told. Two things I do know about Little Boston Bangor, there’s a crazy bitch out of jail on bond that should not be allowed to touch any kitchen utensils but spoons and some dickweed judge needs lessons in bail-setting. Dumbasses.

(Hat tip: Bangor Daily News)

San Francisco is Full of McDumbasses

I have been puzzled by something for many years now, and it continues to befuddle me to this very day. How in the name of all that is Holy could one of the most beautiful cities in the world be inhabited by some of the dumbest sons of bitches to ever breathe the air of this planet? A place where the Dumbass is so thick, you could cut it with a block of tofu. I am speaking , of course, of San Francisco. I have been to San Francisco just once and that was to be picked up at the airport, so I didn’t spend any time in the city. But my experience at the airport has scarred me for life. How so?, you ask. This is how so. I had just gotten off the plane and was headed to the Luggage Eater Turbo 5000 to get my suitcase, when one of those golf cart on steroids thingies trying break the sound barrier came zooming by me. The cart was manned by two Oriental guys. No problem…until the souped up golf cart thingy came to a stop and these two young Oriental guys started kissing! Right in the middle of the airport! I mean these two guys were playing some serious Tonsil Hockey. Having seen that, I went to the nearest airport bar and drank several beers to forget what I had just seen. Then I realized that there ain’t enough booze in San Fran to get me drunk enough to unsee that. What I saw can not be unseen! Don’t get me wrong. If these two guys wnated to do the Tonsil Hockey mambo, that’s fine with me. But please don’t do that shit in public! I am telling you this story to lay the groundwork for the main idea of this post: San Francisco is a fucked up city.

Here’s the deal: One of the questions on the recent election ballot in San Francisco was something like “Do you want to ban toys in Happy Meals in our fucked up city?”. What the fuck? You mean to tell me that the local government in San Fransissy has nothing more pressing on their fucked up city’s to do list than to ban toys in Happy Meals? Slap me down and call me Shorty. Has it really come to this, where the city government can ban a frakkin’ toy in a Happy Meal? If I’m Mc Donalds, I’m packing up my Quarter Pounder with Cheese and gettin’ the hell outta there. The reasoning behind this dumbass decision according to HotAir.com: Under the ban agreed in a preliminary vote Tuesday, restaurants in San Francisco would have to provide fruit and vegetables with meals accompanied by free toys, according to the San Francisco Chronicle…” Speaking of fruits…each year in San Frasissy, they hold an event called “Folsom Street Fair”. Sounds innocent enough, doesn’t it? Folsom Street Fair is the furthest thing in the world from innocence. WARNING: What you are about to see is sickening. If you are easily offended, then DO NOT click the following link. Consider yourself warned and proceed at your own risk. Ban the toys in Happy Meals and let this stuff go on unimpeded! This is allowed. Toys in Happy Meals are not.
I’ll bet you a dollar that if McDonalds put a McDildo in their Happy Meals, there would be no complaint whatsoever. Dumbasses.

These are the same people that keep electing dumbasses like Nancy Pelosi to Congress over and over again. For one of the few times in my life, I am speechless. And nauseated. California is a beautiful place with much history and natural beauty. It’s this side (ban the toys and Folsom Street) of California, that people see and remember and that’s very sad to me. Maybe some day…..

Dumbasses.

**Photo from unionstreetinn.com**

Clowns to the Left of Me, Dumbasses to the Right

The following is the opening paragraph from what passes as “news” in Bangor, Maine, at least according to the Bangor Daily News. The headline reads : Four teens caught drinking at UMaine…here’s the opening paragraph: “Residence staff at York Hall called University of Maine police late Sunday to report underage drinking. That led to four people, including one juvenile, being charged, university spokesman Joe Carr said Monday.” No shit?! Teens drinking at college? Stop the frakkin’ presses! Dumbasses. Bangor is a town of about 32,000 people and all the BDN could come up with is young people drinking at college? Well, slap me down and call me Shorty! Legalities aside, this is like saying “Cheech and Chong smoke pot!” My point is this – a dumbass staff member called the law because these kids were drinking. They broke the law and some kind of UMaine regulation, I’m sure, so some sort of punishment has to be meted out. I’m fine with that. But the dumbasses at the newspaper chose to present this as a “news” story and name the offending teens in the story. What the hell is wrong with those dumbasses at the BDN ? A) I have real news for the weenies at the paper. Listen carefully. Teens sometimes drink beer and liquor while they are at college! B) You dipsticks at the Bangor Daily News are dumbasses for printing the names of these young people for breaking a relatively minor law. If they were drinking and driving, then plaster their names all over the place! If they were being disruptive to their fellow students in the dorm, then, I don’t know, maybe knock on the door and tell them to shut the frak up! If alocohol was discovered at that point, confiscate it and report the students to the proper University officials and their parents, but for cryin’ out loud, don’t call the cops unless some or all of the above mentioned solutions have been employed. Please note that I am going only by the information in the newspaper article which mentions nothing of the methods I listed as possible problem solvers. I’m not raggin’ on the staff at UMaine, they did what they thought was the right thing. With the info I have at my fingertips, I think it was stupid. But the real dumbasses in this incident are the knotheads at the BDN for printing this story in the first place and putting the kids names in the paper over such a stupid stunt. Having the cops called on the students certainly scared the hell out of them, but I think a talk with the Dean (or whoever) and their parents, you know the people who pay the tuition, would have been the more sensible thing to do in this case. I know that my Dad would have put the fear of God in me if I pulled this little trick and it would not have happened again. I know that the cops would not have beat my ass (metaphorically speaking), but Dad would have. Talk about being scared straight. A semester on a limited allowance and no car would seem like being banished to New Jersey or some other foreign place.

A word to the students in this mess: Don’t be drinking on school property if you are not of age. That’s a dumbass thing to do. Or if you do, don’t get caught. I was just kidding on that one.
A word to the dorm staff in this mess: Lighten up, Francis.
A word to the Bangor Daily News: Report some real news. Dumbasses.