Category: Bangor

I Stabbed You in the Back Because I Love You

Gentlemen, when you ask a lovely person of the female persuasion to be your bride, you are asking her to be your partner until death you do part. She is is to be treated with the dignity and respect due a woman who will one day bear your children. She is to be cherished for being the invaluable treasure she is. In short, don’t piss her off! When sufficiently provoked, the pookie bear of your life turns into she devil with felonious intentions. Consider yourself lucky if your beloved requires an ample amount of you giving her shit before she finds her chicken cuttin’ scissors and applies them to your gazebos. SNIP SNIP

Best of Dumbass News

I have a story today that is aimed squarely at you poor married schmucks. Pay close attention, you’ll be quizzed on this later.

Cynthia Dorian. (Photo courtesy of Penobscot County Jail)
Back Stabber

A guy just up I-95 in Bangor didn’t even have to make his dumbass wife mad before she slammed a kitchen knife into the dude’s back. When the cops asked her why she did that she replied (take note of this, guys) “because he drives me nuts!” Well that settles that, dumbass. Hell, if my wife stabbed me every time I made her mad, I’d look like sandwich cut roast beef from the supermarket deli. I have over time, learned to say “yes ma’am” when she gets that Texas Chainsaw Massacre look in her eyes and sh hasn’t made fajita meat out of me in over 3 weeks! But, I digress. Meanwhile back in Bangor…the crazy bitch stabbed her old man for no damn good reason and she was promptly arrested and charged with all kinds of good stuff, including assault with a dangerous weapon.

Now get this. The dumbass lunatic broad was released from jail after posting a cash bond. Fair enough. A cash bond of $1500!!! Are you fucking kidding me? Fifteen hundred dollars? For stabbing a guy in the back??!! What kind of dumbass judge would pull such a stunt? Damn! Oh, well, this is Bangor we’re talking about here. Nice town, but a Liberal weenie paradise, or so I’m told. Two things I do know about Little Boston Bangor, there’s a crazy bitch out of jail on bond that should not be allowed to touch any kitchen utensils but spoons and some dickweed judge needs lessons in bail-setting. Dumbasses.

(Hat tip: Bangor Daily News)

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"Drug Cartel Agents" Chase Dumbass into House; He Calls 9-1-1 on Himself!

I hope and trust that you Dumbasses had an outstanding 4th of July Week like we did here at the Dumbass Dome.

One of the Independence Day activities that stands out in my mind is the local 4th of July fireworks display, as it should be. The display took place smack dab on the banks of the beautiful Kennebec River meandering along side downtown Augusta. But this particular explosives extravaganza hit a little close to home. And by “close to home” I mean we were so near to the action that the shrapnel from the expended fireworks rained down on us all during the damn thing. A couple of people seated near us were nearly turned into Crispy Critters by falling fireworks residue – that was still on fire as it floated down to the ground. I ain’t kiddin’. Some of the pyrotechnics didn’t quite become extinguished as they fell to Earth and actually landed on people in the gathered mass of local Dumbasses.

Luckily, no one was injured with the possible exception of the one guy who ran like a scalded dog directly into the Kennebec River screeching at the top of his incinerated lungs something about “my fucking balls are on fire!” The local Fire Marshall had no comment.

Target of Drug Cartel Agents?

Patriotic Burglar 

One thing I really admire about Mainers is their dedication to and pride in the United States. This is evidenced not only by the hundreds of 4th of July parades and fireworks shows held all over the state, even in the tiniest of towns each year, but also by the fact that the State of Maine has a higher percentage of Veterans and currently-serving military personnel when compared to the population as a whole, than any other state in the country. Why even the crooks up here are very patriotic, if not Dumbasses.

For example…

Marcus McCall of Bangor was doing his patriotic duty as a Dumbass Criminal when he broke into a house whose residents were celebrating Independence Day in a more conventional way. Well, Marcus wasn’t exactly being a good citizen by doing a little breaking and entering on the 4th, he was in reality escaping the Ginsu-like canines of pursuing canines. So he thought. Or said.

Once safely ensconced inside the home, separated from the snarling beasts hot on his heels, Marcus called 9 1 1 on himself! I pulled this text from the Bangor Daily News article that will enlighten us all, I’m sure, “Officers Josh Kuhn and John Robinson responded to the residence and spoke to McCall, who was cooperative, according to Edwards. McCall told Kuhn and Robinson that he believed drug cartel agents were trying to kill him and were using dogs to track him as he ran through the woods alongside the Kenduskeag Stream, the sergeant said.
The officers found a smashed window in the house, but nothing had been taken, Edwards said.
Police could not confirm McCall’s claims and arrested him.” (emphasis mine)

Could Not Confirm?

What the hell?! Maybe because the only “drug cartel agents” in Bangor, Maine are a few guys with names like “Lefty” and “Vic” who are “business associates” of their own Fearless Leader – Frankie Belavacqua, the Beast of Bangor.  I mean, c’mon! “Drug cartel agents” wasn’t a teensy weensy hint that Marcus McCall just might be a bit, shall we say, disturbed? No, we shall not. We shall say, “fucked up”.

I am not privvy to the inner workings of your average vicious killer drug cartel organization, but I have been to East Dallas many times and know some vatos who know some vatos, if you know what I mean and I think you do. It is this intimate knowledge of the barrio upon which I form my Considered Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Opinion. My CFLOTDHO is that if it were actual drug cartel guys chasing after Marcus that the chase would be very short and Marcus would have been fitted very quickly with the latest in Manly Cement Shoe Footwear and summarily tossed into the Penobscot River. Or he could have been shot so full of holes that the Penobscot County Coroner would have been required to use a tea strainer just to get Marcus’ fingerprints.

But all that is mere speculation on my part.


Bottom Line 

Marcus is in the slammer and the Drug Cartel Agents of Bangor, Maine are once again free to terrorize the at-large population of the Queen City as they see fit. Life is back to normal in Bang-ah.

That is if the cops in Bangor can “confirm” that there are indeed “Drug Cartel Agents” in their fair city at all.

Or do I need to take these goofballs on a trip to East Dallas to meet some vatos who know some vatos?

I’ll have to confirm that.

Dumbasses.

Frozen Gazebos and Breaking & Entering for Breakfast

             ******WARNING! NSFW IMAGE BELOW******

Here’s a re-post from April 4, 2011. I’ll try to post a new story later today. 

Thanks,
Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

I mentioned a few minutes ago in a Facebook comment that here it is April 4 and it’s snowing here in Augusta, Maine. Too much snow does weird things to people. An example of that can be found in our story today. Our tale takes place in Bangor, about 75 miles from my house.

The Bangor PD was called to an unusual situation where “a man or woman wearing short-shorts and no jacket running in and out of the snow.” We call that a dumbass where I come from, but I digress. The cops got to the scene of the crime and promptly encountered the owner of a local cafe. The cafe owner said that apparently someone had broken into to his eatery through a side door to the kitchen area. Windows on the kitchen door were smashed and a shovel was found nearby, apparently used to break the windows on the door. Police, exercising due caution, entered the cafe  where they found Daniel Watson, 30, of Bangor in the dining room area.“He definitely had a shirt, a fleece vest and socks on,” but no pants, underwear or shoes — despite the subzero temperatures, Sewall said. Watson’s arms and legs were covered with cuts, police said Friday night.” I guess the burglar thought it was “half off day”. Tee hee. I made a funny.

The good guys arrested the dumbass and the made the Police Statement of the Year (So Far), the suspect was confused and incoherent and that “it certainly appeared” he was under the influence. It certainly appeared that this half naked dumbass was “under the influence”? Again, referring to where I come from, we call that fucked up. And dumbass. In my home state of Texas, we don’t break into closed cafes to get something to eat when we are drunk. We go to Denny’s, eat like an NFL defensive lineman then walk the ticket. No shovel needed. The dumbass drunks up here ain’t got no class. 

The dumbass was taken to the Penebscot County Jail where he was booked then released the next morning. This is the part of the story where can insert any joke referring to a nekkid guy in a cafe. What was he eating when he got busted? A shortstack. A small hot dog. Short ribs. Now for the gratuitous nekkid guy goes to court jokes. Will the evidence stand up in court or will there be a lack of evidence? OK, I’ll stop now, but feel free to leave your nekkid guy jokes in the comments. And if you have a personal “I was nekkid in a cafe once…” story, share it with us. 
Dumbass.

Almost Nekkid Guy Breaks into Cafe, Is Too Early for Breakfast

Not an almost-nekkid drunk guy
I mentioned a few minutes ago in a Facebook comment that here it is April 4 and it’s snowing here in Augusta, Maine. Too much snow does weird things to people. An example of that can be found in our story today. Our tale takes place in Bangor, about 75 miles from my house.

The Bangor PD was called to an unusual situation where “a man or woman wearing short-shorts and no jacket running in and out of the snow.” We call that a dumbass where I come from, but I digress. The cops got to the scene of the crime and promptly encountered the owner of a local cafe. The cafe owner said that apparently someone had broken into to his eatery through a side door to the kitchen area. Windows on the kitchen door were smashed and a shovel was found nearby, apparently used to break the windows on the door. Police, exercising due caution, entered the cafe  where they found Daniel Watson, 30, of Bangor in the dining room area.“He definitely had a shirt, a fleece vest and socks on,” but no pants, underwear or shoes — despite the subzero temperatures, Sewall said. Watson’s arms and legs were covered with cuts, police said Friday night.” I guess the burglar thought it was “half off day”. Tee hee. I made a funny.

The good guys arrested the dumbass and the made the Police Statement of the Year (So Far), the suspect was confused and incoherent and that “it certainly appeared” he was under the influence. It certainly appeared that this half naked dumbass was “under the influence”? Again, referring to where I come from, we call that fucked up. And dumbass. In my home state of Texas, we don’t break into closed cafes to get something to eat when we are drunk. We go to Denny’s, eat like an NFL defensive lineman then walk the ticket. No shovel needed. The dumbass drunks up here ain’t got no class. 

The dumbass was taken to the Penebscot County Jail where he was booked then released the next morning. This is the part of the story where can insert any joke referring to a nekkid guy in a cafe. What was he eating when he got busted? A shortstack. A small hot dog. Short ribs. Now for the gratuitous nekkid guy goes to court jokes. Will the evidence stand up in court or will there be a lack of evidence? OK, I’ll stop now, but feel free to leave your nekkid guy jokes in the comments. And if you have a personal “I was nekkid in a cafe once…” story, share it with us. Dumbass.

Love That Cuts Like a Knife…Oh, Wait! That IS a Knife!

Lunatic

I have a story today that is aimed squarely at you poor married schmucks. Pay close attention, you’ll be quizzed on this later.

Gentlemen, when you ask a lovely person of the female persuasion to be your bride, you are asking her to be your partner until death you do part. She is is to be treated with the dignity and respect due a woman who will one day bear your children. She is to be cherished for being the invaluable treasure she is. In short, don’t piss her off! When sufficiently provoked, the pookie bear of your life turns into she devil with felonious intentions. Consider yourself lucky if your beloved requires an ample amount of you giving her shit before she finds her chicken cuttin’ scissors and applies them to your gazebos. SNIP SNIP

A guy just up I-95 in Bangor didn’t even have to make his dumbass wife mad before she slammed a kitchen knife into the dude’s back. When the cops asked her why she did that she replied (take note of this, guys) “because he drives me nuts!” Well that settles that, dumbass. Hell, if my wife stabbed me every time I made her mad, I’d look like sandwich cut roast beef from the supermarket deli. I have over time, learned to say “yes ma’am” when she gets that Texas Chainsaw Massacre look in her eyes and sh hasn’t made fajita meat out of me in over 3 weeks! But, I digress. Meanwhile back in Bangor…the crazy bitch stabbed her old man for no damn good reason and she was promptly arrested and charged with all kinds of good stuff, including assault with a dangerous weapon.

Now get this. The dumbass lunatic broad was released from jail after posting a cash bond. Fair enough. A cash bond of $1500!!! Are you fucking kidding me? Fifteen hundred dollars? For stabbing a guy in the back??!! What kind of dumbass judge would pull such a stunt? Damn! Oh, well, this is Bangor we’re talking about here. Nice town, but a Liberal weenie paradise, or so I’m told. Two things I do know about Little Boston Bangor, there’s a crazy bitch out of jail on bond that should not be allowed to touch any kitchen utensils but spoons and some dickweed judge needs lessons in bail-setting. Dumbasses.

(Hat tip: Bangor Daily News)