The 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States reads thusly: “a well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed”.
A bank employee in Trimble, Missouri recently exercised his 2nd Amendment rights when some Dumbass tried to rob the First Security Bank.
Michael Oliva is one of those Dumbasses who on occasion comes up with a brilliant idea. And y “brilliant” I of course mean “stoopid as fuck”.
Michael was sittin’ around one day sparkin’ up the ol’ crack pipe, throwin’ back some foaties (that’s “forties” as in 40oz beer for all you Old White Guys out there) and singin’ Kanye West songs, hereafter referred to as “shit”, trying to think of something to do. All of the sudden Michael came up with a brilliant (“stoopid as fuck”) idea. Michael exclaimed, “El Frito Bandito es pendejo!” which is Meskin lingo for, “Hey! I have a stoopid as fuck idea! I’m gonna go rob a bank with a realistic looking but fake hand gun!”.
So he set out on his felonious feat.
Penalty for Early Withdrawal
At 1:25 PM one recent Friday afternoon, Michael Oliva arrived at First Security Bank, 202 US Highway 169 in Trimble, MO. Michael had his Fake But Realistic Looking Hand Gun at the ready. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m glad you asked that question.
So Michael pulls a black ski mask over his head and makes his entry into the bank. He goes up to one of the bank tellers and demands the money in her cash drawer. At this point, a bunch of noisy shit and commotion goes on catching the attention of another bank employee in an office near the teller area.
Remember up there ^^^ when you asked “what could possibly go wrong?”
This is What Could Possibly Go Wrong
The Bank Guy who came running to the front of the bank from an office? He confronted Michael and his Fake But Looks Like a Real Gun Gun face to face. Did I mention that the Bank Guy has a concealed carry permit for a REAL gun? He does.
Anyway, here’s the Bank Guy with a .357 staring straight into the eyes of Michael Oliva who is in possession of a Realistic Looking But FAKE Gun. It is at this point that the Bank Guy aims his very real .357 at Michael and blasts him in the face with a very real .357 bullet.
Somehow, by the Grace of God I suppose, Michael is not graveyard dead and manages to escape with a gun shot wound to the jaw.
Long story short….Michael gets away and then leads the cops on a high speed car chase before finally being apprehended. Upon being nabbed by The Fuzz, Michael was heard to say, “Hace mucho calor” which translates to: “Boy was that a stoopid as fuck idea”.
Ay! Ay! Ay! Canta y no llores! Translation:
Best of Dumbass News
Happy What-Would-Be Elvis’ 76th Birthday, Dumbasses! It was also 37 years ago today that I attended my last day of high school. I, quite by accident mind you, had all my required courses completed so I decided “To hell with this”. I partied for a couple of weeks (I was 18 and we could legally buy alcohol at the time) and then got a job. I was making $3.25 an hour, living at home. Dad paid all the bills and was on the road most of the time, so it was almost like having a bachelor pad of my own. All I had to pay for was my own beer and leave Dad’s brew alone. Not a bad gig for an 18 year old. Oh, yeah! I also got to drive Dad’s brand new 1974 Camaro LT. I just supplied the gas, which was less than 20 cents a gallon back then. If I had four dollars, I had a full tank of gas.
We’re barely a week into the new year and we’re lining up 2012 Dumbass of the Year contenders like Charlie Sheen picking out hookers to share his nose candy with. Literally every day that I have written a new post, the dumbass in the story could be a DOTY nominee. Just take a look at the archives for January if you doubt me. That streak continues today with a story that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could actually happen.
I hope you are sitting down.
The Unexpected and the (Still) Unexplained
Wells Fargo. The company that bears that name has been a part of the United States banking system since 1852 and I’ll bet you $10 that what I am about to tell you has never happened in the storied 160 year history of the firm.
On January 4, 2012, last Friday, the Wells Fargo Bank on Arena Blvd. in Sacramento, closed its doors at the end of the business day and the fine people who work there went home to enjoy the weekend with their families. Not unlike millions of other Americans. But that weekend would turn out to be a once-in-160 years event. After all the bank employees left for home, the last guy out at the Wells Fargo bank turned out the lights and he too, headed for the Ponderosa. Last Guy forgot one minor thing however. He forgot to lock the bank’s door! How in the name of all that is Holy can Last Guy forget to lock the door of a branch of one of the largest banks in the world??? Good Gawd Almighty, y’all!
Last Guy is probably one of those neurotic dumbasses that locks his car doors (when he’s washing it!), locks his front door when he’s at home (in the day time!) and has a dead bolt on the bathroom door. Last Guy secures his house like Fort Knox, but can’t remember to lock the door of a bank that has untold millions of dollars inside? What.The.Fuck.? Henry Wells and William Fargo (yes, that Wells and Fargo) are rolling over in their graves so fast, they sound like a couple of Japanese motorcycles doing 100 mph in 2nd gear. I mean dayum, dude.
I have a couple of thoughts on this situation. First, does Last Guy still have a job? If not, 7-11 is always hiring and they are open 24/7. This is a lucky break for Last Guy because a job at 7-11 ensures that he’ll never have to worry about locking doors again! This is a good thing. Also at Siete-Once (<—-a little Meskin lingo there), cash counting time will be a breeze. Instead of counting thousands pf dollars, he’ll only have to count up to about 50 bucks. That’s all 7-11 employees are allowed to have in the cash drawer. And unless a robber is a crack head, what self-respecting criminal would be happy with robbing a business of only 50 dollars?
Speaking of crooks (<—-clever segue), I bet there wasn’t a bad guy within three billion light years of the Wells-Fargo bank that had a glimmer of a thought that the door on the place would be wide-ass open. Not that that would be a deterrent, Last Guy probably forgot to turn on the security system too.
I am a big fan of social media. Sites like Facebook and Twitter play a major role in my online life.
I use Facebook mainly to keep up with friends and family, exchanging the latest news about what’s going on in our respective parts of the world. I’m not much of a “talk on the phone” kind of guy. When you use the phone, there are a few things that can happen:
- The person you are calling will answer the phone because he’s home.
- The person you are calling has Caller ID and sees it’s you calling and will NOT answer the phone.
- The person you are calling is not home therefore your call goes unanswered anyway.
- The person you are calling is either not home or not taking calls and you get put through to a voice mail or answering machine. At this point you either leave a message or not.
- You leave a message which is never responded to. In Texas we say that this message is as useful as tits on a boar (male) hog.
Having said all that, I can guaran-damn-tee you that if you leave a message or comment on Facebook, the other party will be back in touch with you quick as a hiccup. Who needs a phone?
Lately, I have been partial to Twitter. Sure, the 140 character limit per tweet is sometimes a pain in the ass, but I get a lot of great information from my Twitter timeline. An advantage to using Twitter, for me at least, is that I have only about 250 Friends on Facebook, but I have over 1100 followers on Twitter. More followers means potentially more Dumbasses. If I post something that gets “re-tweeted” by a single person, it is then seen on his timeline by all of his followers as well. Maybe one of his followers “re-tweets” the same post, before you know it, your “tweet” is seen by tens of thousands of people. This is why I like to promote Dumbass News on my Twitter timeline. One “tweet” could net the blog a lot of hits.
And that’s a good thing.
Bank Robber Confesses on You Tube
You Tube is arguably the most popular social medium in the world. It is the video version of Google. If you enter a term in the search box on You Tube, chances are you’ll come up with a corresponding video. People put all kinds of shit on You Tube. Even confession to a crime.
Nineteen year old Hannah Sabata of Waco, Nebraska did just that. She went on a crime spree that involved stealing a car and robbing a bank then made a video bragging (confessing) about her misdeeds and posted it to You Tube! Fucking brilliant.
So Hannah performed Grand Theft Auto and Armed Robbery because the State took away her baby because she was, according to the State of Nebraska, a piss poor excuse for a mother? But she’s a victim of the government! Well, hell, that makes perfect sense.
Hannah will now be relegated to doing whatever felons do in prison.
Looking on the bright side, when she’s released from the Big House she’ll have some great script ideas for one of those “Women Prisoners in Chains, Lezbeans on a Rampage” movies.
It’ll be an autobiography.
|Portrait of Fearless Leader|
Best of Dumbass News
Your Fearless Leader of The Dumbass Horde (me) has had a busy day thus far this cold (15 degrees @ 16:26 EST; the low tonight? 3 below zero!) Saturday in New England. All I can say is that I’m glad Santa brought me a Gazebo Warmer ® for Christmas. Otherwise it could have tragic. And my voice, which is a solid baritone, would have gone up a couple of octaves. God bless the man who invented The Gazebo Warmer ®. Twice. Once for each gazebo. I’m just sayin’.
The tag line of this blog (“Bringin’ the Dumbassery on a Daily Basis”) has never been more appropriate than it was this week. We had enough dumbassery in one week….let me put it this way: if dumbassery was bling, I’d make Flava Flav look like he dressed like Jed Clampett.
Even though I’m late with the dumbassery today, I believe you’ll agree it was worth the wait. For example…
- This week was so full of outstanding dumbassery that the most “sane” dipshit of the week was a guy who paid his girlfriend’s rent…..by robbing banks! That ought to be a major clue as to what’s yet to come.
- Speaking of banks (<—-excellent Dumbass Segue)…A Wells Fargo Bank in where else but California,. was hell bent on making withdrawals extremely simple for not only their customers, but everybody else too! They accomplished this unprecedented form of Customer Service by leaving the bank’s front doors OPEN all weekend!
- In our most disgusting display of dumbass douchebaggery of the week, school board members in Norcross, Georgia showed their true colors (pun intended) towards black folks without even uttering a word. Hint: It concerns slavery and math. Be prepared to curse aloud. It’s that Ludacris. <—-humor noir.
- Bonus Dumbassery! Every story I post on Dumbass News is kind of like one of my kids. You know what I mean if you’re the parent of more than one child. You love them all, but not one more than the other. Having said that, I have a very difficult time not favoring the story of The Frozen Dead Guy over the other 446 posts on this blog. It’s Classic Dumbass from beginning to end with a healthy dose of international intrigue thrown in for good measure. This is a must read!
Dare I say that This Week in Dumbass News History will forever be the epitome of what the chronicling of dumbassery should be? I dare. Has the bar been set impossibly high for future Dumbass News content? Why, hell no!
I think I have just issued a challenge to myself. Challenge accepted.
It’s happened to me a hundred times. And it’s probably happened to you as well.
I am talking about patronizing the drive thru at a joint like McDonalds, placing your order, paying for it only to get home and find out that you have been short changed an order of fries or something. So, whaddaya do? You go back to The Arches and retrieve the stuff you should have been given in the first place and maybe get a coupon for a free Big Mac redeemable on your next visit to McD’s. Or you simply eat (pun intended) the price of the forgotten item.
This got me to thinkin’, “What if something like this were to happen to a bank robber?” Actually I didn’t think that. It’s just my way of segueing into today’s Dumbass News. Clever, huh?
We have done stories about bank robbery before including this one about a guy that knocks off a bank then brags about it on Facebook! There’s also the one about the idiot that tried to disguise himself by putting underwear on his head and the Dumbass who robbed a bank and took a getaway bus in order to escape! But today’s story may top them all.
Picture yourself in Syracuse, New York. Or if you’d rather not, I understand. But Syracuse is where this story takes place, so deal with it.
Anyway, 1001 James Street in Syracuse is home to Alliance Bank. It is also the site of one of the stoopidest crimes in Syracuse annals.
Twenty-eight year old Arthur Bundrage was out of crack cocaine one day when he got a great idea. “Today is a great day to rob a bank!”, he thought. So Arthur moseyed on over to the aforementioned Alliance Bank at 1001 James Street where he promptly walked in and demanded $20,000 in cash from one of the bank’s tellers. The teller refused. Again, Arthur ordered the teller to fork over the 20 large. This time bank employee relented (maybe Arthur said “please”) and crammed some cash into a bag and handed it over to Arthur. Arthur then split the scene. The bank called 911.
This story doesn’t end here, however.
So Arthur pulled the bank job, left the scene of the crime, the cops have been notified and are on the way to the bank and what does the Dumbass do? He looks at his ill-gotten gains and determines that the bank teller did not give him the full 20 grand that he demanded. It is at this point that we find out that Arthur Bundrage is about as smart as a spit wad.
Unsatisfied with his haul, Arthur heads back into the bank to get the rest of the $20,000! He got there about the same time the cops did.
He was arrested without incident.
***Hat tip to and photo courtesy of syracuse.com***
Another day, another visit to the doctor for Mrs. Fearless Leader.
I am still caring for Mrs. Fearless Leader following her surgery from Wednesday, so between that and being Mom and Dad for the two kids while Mom is mending is keeping me very busy. Free time is at a minimum. I promise to get some new stuff out there in a few days, so please bear with me.
Best of Dumbass News
September 19, 2010, a date that will live in Infamy. That was the date that I announced the Grand Opening of Dumbass News. The world has never been the same. And it serves the world right, if you ask me.
The first actual post to this blog was published the next day. It was about some dumbass bitch that let her boyfriend have Mad Monkey Sex with another woman for his birthday or some shit. We haven’t looked back since. In the intervening 20 mmonths or so I’ve written about some real stoopid people who have done some real stoopid stuff. Dumbass Subject Matte, or as we professional blogging-type dip stick call it, DSM, has ranged from The Frozen Dead Guy who is still on ice in Nederland, Colorado (I used to live there) to a recent incident in which a drunk lady hit a cop in the head with a plastic ding-a-ling, or as very lonely women call them, “boyfriend”.
I come across some insane material in doing “research” for this blog. “Research” of course meaning
stealing shit from other blogs slaving away for hours on end, employing a highly evolved and technically intricate form of Google Fu (typing in what are referred to as “search terms” into a Google “search box”) known to very few men, looking for Dumbass News-worthy stories.
While I have written a few stories that feature plastic weenies as protagonists, I have, surprisingly, not come across too many Dumbass Bank Robber tales. I “searched” the Dumbass News Archives, located in the left sidebar of any page, and came up with only a handful of Dumbass Bank Robber stuff – one about a guy who took a get away bus after a bank heist. Another one about one of the Biggest Dumbass Bank Robbers in History who, after committing the crime, went on his Facebook page to brag about it!
Such is the life of a Dumbass Criminal in 2012.
When you look back through history, the guys really good at bank robbin’, Bonnie & Clyde, Jesse James, Billy the Kid, etc., were meticulous in the preparation aspect of the heist. Every single detail, no matter how small, had to be anticipated and possibly dealt with at a split second’s notice. Of course 99% of your Average Bank Robbin’ Population (ABRP) just walks into a bank, hands the teller a note saying he has a gun or bomb and give me the damn money. Not much planning involved. Not only did our Dumbass Bank Robber in today’s story not have a very detailed plan, he didn’t have a clue either.
Let me splain.
Some would-be Dumbass Bank Robber in Chicago was anxious to get down to the bidness of being caught on video by approximately 2 billion surveillance cameras located in the bank’s lobby. I have never understood that. Don’t video cams take, like, you know, video and shit? Real live as-it-happened documentation likely to be used as evidence against the Bad Guy when, if, he goes on trial? But, I digress.
Anyway, after literally seconds of planning his crime, the Bad Guy goes into the bank, passes a note to the teller saying he has a bomb, give me the money. Now comes the hard part. the Getaway! His heart pumping like a two stroke Briggs and Stratton lawnmower engine, the Bad Guy makes good his escape! “The heat will never find me!” he shouts in head as he leaves the scene of his misdeed. The heat will never find the money either. “Why?”, you ask, anxiously sitting on the edge of your computer chair, the tension in this story building to almost unbearable levels. Let me tell you why. The. Dumbass. Forgot. The Money. Yup. Left it at the bank.
Now, I have never robbed a bank and the thought to do so has never been that appealing to me, but I think this ain’t the way it’s supposed to work, is it?
On the Lam
As of this writing, the Little Dumbass Bank Robber That Couldn’t is still at large.
All this poor schmuck has to show for his efforts is a shit load of cops and Federal Agents looking for him and that ever-fleeting moment of triumph – fleeing the crime scene looking like he was shot out of a cannon. Oh, what a high that must have been! “I did it! I did it!” echoing in the Dumbass’s head as he flies into Freedom a rich man.
Then a little thing called “reality” sets in. He. Forgot. The. Fucking. Money. I think this is the proverbial stop that ruins a perfectly good fall from about 10,000 feet.
Thud. Just like Wile E. Coyote.
Best of Dumbass News
I know that no member of this blog has any sort of legal woes in his or her past. After all, you are dumbasses and dumbasses never have run ins with the law. Can you believe that I wrote that with a straight face? Let’s say for the sake of argument that you were the mastermind of a planned bank robbery. Assuming that you actually went into the bank, handed the teller a note demanding money and she complied and you haul ass out the door. What’s the next logical step in this plan? Yes! Making a clean getaway! Hopefully in a very fast getaway car. Believe it or not, a dumbass crook in Dayton, Ohio pulled off the bank robbery and was making a … s…l…o…w getaway.
Let me splain.
Catching the 3:15
Dumbass bank robber, Lonnie Johnson, is the above-mentioned crook in Dayton. he made the heist, ran outside, went down the street two blocks from the bank and wait…for…it…stood in line to board a bus!!! The bus came Lonnie got on it and he was home free! Not really, I made that home free part up. In the meantime, the cops had arrived at the bank and interviewed some people and some of them witnessed Lonnie board the bus. At this point, the police obtained information on the bus’ route and simply followed the route , caught up with the bus and arrested Lonnie while he was still in his seat. What a dumbass.
Not that I am planning a career change to become a bank robber, but as a public service to any and all bank robbers reading this blog, I feel obligated to point out some flaws in Lonnie’s attempted robbery. First of all, if you plan on fleeing on foot for any portion of your getaway, it would be much better if you ran for more than two blocks from the bank. Second, don’t stop and wait for a bus! It is a well-known fact that 99% of all the best bank robbers use really fast cars or maybe even motorcycles to effect a successful, at least in the beginning of the getaway process, escape from the authorities. Public transportation is notoriously slow and not on schedule and this will hamper even your best efforts to give the heat the slip, leading to a long period of incarceration at the nearest Federal Prison, maybe even with our man Lonnie.