Category: barry White

Boobs for Beer!!!

He’s Reaching for His Wallet ***

One of the pleasures of writing Dumbass News is that I get to choose the subject matter every day. And no subject matter says “dumbass” like boobs. Not that boobs are dumbass, but there’s always a dumbass attached to said knockers if they appear here. Today’s stoy, however, has another component to it which used to be near and dear to my heart – beer. Boobs and beer, what could possibly go wrong? Well, let me tell you.

A Problem Arises

Down in Florida (I live in Maine so it’s “down” in Florida to me) two women were out for a night on the town and stopped by a local tavern where they consumed massive quantities of barley pop. They were drunk. Not commode huggin’ drunk but drunk nonetheless. After drinking all this beer, they decided that they needed more beer. But there was one small problem. They were out of money. This is where the saying “necessity is the Mother of invention” comes into play. Throw in a dose of good old capitalism and American ingenuity and you have a felony! Let me splain.

Boobs and Beer

OK, so these two chicks are drunk and out of money, so, like any good businessman, they hatch a plan to get some cash flow. The idea is that they will go around to each table in the tavern and show their hooters if some dumbass will “tip” them. At this point I have decided that this pair of bimbos are either hookers or strippers. Probably butt ugly ones too. But that’s purely speculation. However, to back my assertion I present to you a question. How many women who look like Miss America get drunk enough to be willing to show their hammers for beer money? I rest my case.

Anyway, the women start going around from table to table offering to display their assets hoping to get some drinking money. Their effort was futile. This further proves that they were as pretty as the north bound end of a south bound mule. But I digress. Employees at the watering hole were alerted to this boobs for beer plot and escorted the ladies outside. This where the real fun begins.

The Struggle 

Once outside the tavern the strippers, I mean, women become unruly. Given that they are plastered this comes as no surprise. There’s a big scuffle where the two drunk bimbos attack one of the employees showing them the way out of the bar. The attackee was a female. The attackee’s co-worker, a male, pulled the women apart, trying to restore some semblance of order. But it was not to be. As the guy was separating the chicks, one of the drunk “I’ll Show My Tits for Beer Money” broads pulled a knife! The cops were called.

So now the “Boobs for Beer” plot becomes a “3 to 5 Years in the State Pen” plot.

My Idea 

This incident could have ended much differently and for the good if two things had happened.

Thing 1: If you are so drunk that you have to offer to display your ta-tas for more money for more beer, it’s time to go home. Call a cab and head to the Ponderosa.

Thing 2: If you do intend to flash your yahbos for more money for more beer, please make sure that you look more like Miss America than Miss Pig Shit. Your chances of getting the cash will increase exponentially. Trust me one that one.

Dumbasses.

***Photo from Funnyhub.com***

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Scandi TV Guy Gets Fired for Not Drinking on the Air!

Scandi Guy Who Sounds Like Barry White

As the Head Dumbass In Charge, or HDIC, here at Dumbass News, the responsibility falls to me to pick out dumbasses from around the world who meet our low, nonexistent even, standards in order to be a “featured” dumbass on this blog. What you are about to read, I would expect from a place like Communist China, but never from a place like Finland, where the women are beautiful and the men are men and the reindeer are nervous. Some executive dumbasses (but I repeat myself) at a Finnish TV station fired a white guy who sounds a lot like Barry White from Kansas, in a Finnish kind of way, for drinking a beer on the air! And when you see the video of the alleged beer drinking, the guy was using an empty beer bottle! The beer bottle isn’t the only empty thing in this story, some higher ups at the TV station have empty skulls and no frakkin’ sense of humor. I knew that Finland was a socialist paradise, but this incident goes beyond the pale. Watch this clip and decide for yourself. First off, the report mentions “incompetent personnel” serving liquor to customers. You gotta be shittin’ me! To serve booze in Finland, what makes you competent to do so? A Bachelor’s Degree in beer pouring? Dumbasses.Oh, but the dumbass gets stronger in this fiasco. One serving per customer? WTF? You mean if I take my wife out for a beer, we both have to stand in line to be served separately? Do we have tip the bartender separately, too? Sounds like a Communist plot to overthrow the world to me. Scandi dumbasses. Anyway, back to Olaf or Sven or whatever the news anchor’s name is. I watched the video three times and it looks like to me that Nils or Arne or whatever the news anchor’s name is, is clearly joking about the story being aired at that time and the beer bottle was empty, except for the skits (read: backwash) at the bottom of the bottle. Being Finnish and all that, I have a sneaky feeling that ol’ Sven the Barry White-sounding anchor guy just might be able to handle a bit more beer than just the skits in the bottle. But, that’s just me. It’s possible, I suppose that Olaf could’ve have been hammered before hitting the air waves, but he doesn’t look or sound blasted to me. Besides, have you seen some of the commercials the Scandis run on TV? I am not going to link them, but if you wanna see how stupid and hypocritcal this deal is, Google them.

There is hope for Arne the Barry White-Sounding Finnish Guy! As a former Professional Drinker, I urge all you dumbasses, even if you don’t drink Barley Pop, to unite behind Sven the Barry White-Sounding Scandi and demand that he be given his job back! There is a Facebook page set up for just such a thing. Join the masses in telling the Scandi TV Executives that they are dumbasses of the worst kind! And have a cold beer to show your outrage and support for Olaf the Barry White-Sounding White Guy!!

Outrage From the Head Dumbass! Dumbasses and Scandis Unite!

Barry White-Sounding Scandi TV Guy**

As the Head Dumbass In Charge, or HDIC, here at Dumbass News, the responsibility falls to me to pick out dumbasses from around the world who meet our low, nonexistent even, standards in order to be a “featured” dumbass on this blog. What you are about to read, I would expect from a place like Communist China, but never from a place like Finland, where the women are beautiful and the men are men and the reindeer are nervous. Some executive dumbasses (but I repeat myself) at a Finnish TV station fired a white guy who sounds a lot like Barry White from Kansas, in a Finnish kind of way, for drinking a beer on the air! And when you see the video of the alleged beer drinking, the guy was using an empty beer bottle! The beer bottle isn’t the only empty thing in this story, some higher ups at the TV station have empty skulls and no frakkin’ sens of humor.I knew that Finland was a socialist paradise, but this incident goes beyond the pale. Watch this clip and decide for yourself. First off, the report mentions “incompetent personnel” serving liquor to customer. You gotta be shittin’ me! To serve booze in Finland, what makes you competent to do so? A Bachelor’s Degree in beer pouring? Dumbasses.Oh, but the dumbass gets stronger in this fiasco. One serving per customer? WTF? You mean if I take my wife out for a beer, we both have to stand in line to be served separately? Do we have tip the bartender separately, too? Sounds like a Communist plot to overthrow the world to me. Scandi dumbasses. Anyway, back to Olaf or Sven or whatever the news anchor’s name is. I watched the video three times and it looks like to me that Nils or Arne or whatever the news anchor’s name is, is clearly joking about the story being aired at that time and the beer bottle was empty, except for the skits (read: backwash) at the bottom of the bottle. Being Finnish and all that, I have a sneaky feeling that ol’ Sven the Barry White-sounding anchor guy just might be able to handle a bit more beer than just the skits in the bottle. But, that’s just me. It’s possible, I suppose that Olaf could’ve have hammered before hitting the air waves, but he doesn’t look or sound blasted to me.Besides, have you seen some of the commercials the Scandis run on TV? I am not going to link them, but if you wanna see how stupid and hypocritcal this deal is, Google them.

There is hope for Arne the Barry White-Sounding Finnish Guy! As a former Professional Drinker, I urge all you dumbasses, even if you don’t drink Barley Pop, to unite behind Sven the Barry White-Sounding Scandi and demand that he be given his job back! There is a Facebook page set up for just such a thing. Join the masses in telling the Scandi TV Executives that they are dumbasses of the worst kind! And have cold beer to show your outrage and support for Olaf the Barry White-Sounding White Guy!!

**Photo from asylum.co.uk**
(Photo attribution corrected)