Category: BBQ

Dumbasses Steal 93 Pounds of Mayo; BLT Sales Skyrocket

Cinco de Mayo?

My primary researcher, Mrs. Fearless Leader, is amazing. She is not only a great wife, Mother and cook, she is also a Whiz Kid at finding Dumbass material for me. Of course after hanging out with me for almost eight years, the woman has a firm grip on what “dumbass” means. I’m just sayin’.

Anywho, Mrs. F.L. (as she demands to be called) was cruisin’ the internet like I used to cruise the path from Sonic to Jack in the Box in Irving, Texas in the 1970s, and she came up with another winner (?) for me.

Cinco de Mayonnaise?

Here’s the entire article from  

Police were Tuesday conducting a manhunt for thieves who made off with 93 pounds of mayonnaise from a business in South Australia.
Two 46-pound tubs of the condiment went missing from a refrigerated warehouse in Whyalla, about 237 miles north of the capital city Adelaide on Saturday.
In a statement, police said they were puzzling over why anyone would want to steal 93 pounds of mayonnaise.
They urged anyone who heard of people making large quantities of coleslaw or potato salad to notify authorities.

Well, tie me kangaroo down sport (you’re welcome), shrimp on the barbie and g’day, mate, if that ain’t a swift kick in the gazebos.

That’s stoopid story OK, but it’s not the story itself that brings the dumbass like a runaway freight train going downhill on a 15,000 foot mountain.
The Money Line   
Well, tie me kangaroo down sport, shrimp on the barbie and g’day, mate, if that ain’t a swift kick in the gazebos.
The real dumbassery here lies in the police’s response to the missing mayo, mate: They urged anyone who heard of people making large quantities of coleslaw or potato salad to notify authorities. 

Man, I gotta tell you that that’s some heavy duty detective work right there.
Police Dispatcher: Calling all cars! Calling all cars! Be on the look out for unusually large quantities of cole slaw and/or potato salad at backyard barbies, mates! 93 pounds of mayo missing. That is all.  
Cop Receiving Info from Dispatcher: I hope they got some bacon, lettuce and tomatoes when we find this stuff. I’m bloody hungry, mate.             
Are you fucking kidding me? Be on the lookout for large amounts of cole slaw and potato salad? That must be some backyard barbie goin’ on there!
What the Hell!   
Stealing is a very serious crime, but what are the thieves gonna do with 93 pounds of mayo? Cater the next Policeman’s Ball? Make thousands of KLTs? KLT stands for Kangaroo, lettuce and tomato sandwiches? Hell, I don’t know either.
I do know that I am from Texas and when we throw a Big BBQ Hootnanny, 93 pounds of mayo for tater salad and cole slaw ain’t shit. We are hardy eaters. Mate.

Cattle Crash Party; Drink All the Beer!

Cattle Prefer One Over the Other

Ahhhh Summer Time. The season of warm weather, gentle breezes, backyard cook outs, cattle drinking all your beer…wait! Whaaaaaat the hell?! Beer-drinking cows? That’s not the only dumbass detail about this story.

Beer-swilling bovine is not exactly a topic commonly brought up around the water cooler at work, but if the subject of cows drinking barley pop ever came up you’d think it would happen in a place famous for having lots of cattle – like Texas, Montana or Wisconsin. That is not, however, the case with this edition of Dumbass News.

A Moooooving Time Was Had By All

Imagine that you are having a few friends over to your pad for a BBQ and cold beer. Easy enough, it’s Summer Time and that sort of thing happens this time of year. It’s also inevitable that some uninvited Dumbass will hear about your soiree and stop by to ruin an otherwise good time. That’s bad enough. But when the party is crashed by a whole herd, and I mean herd, of non-invitees, the damn thing goes to Hell in a hand basket real quick like.

Think about it. There you are swiggin’ co’ beer and bullshittin’ with your buddies and all of the sudden a herd of cattle stampede into your back yard! That’s the “dumbass detail” I alluded to up there^^^^? This incident actually happened in…

in Massachusetts??!! You mean the home of Bean Town, the Patriots, Paul Revere and the Red Sox Massachusetts? Yep. That’s the one.

Head ’em Up, Move ’em Out!

“Quick, boys! Before all the Miller Lite is gone!”

This ordeal took place in Boxford, Massivetwoshits when the police were rounding up a herd of cattle that had escaped their confines. As the (insert John Wayne movie title here) moment unfolded, the cattle decided to break ranks and head for the hills. Or in this case, someone’s back yard.

The cops heard (pun intended; heard; herd; I kill myself sometimes) a shit load of screamimg coming from the back yard and arrived to see the cows drinking all the party goers’ beer! According to an officer on the scene, and I am not making this up, the bovine beer burglars “preferred the Bud Light to the Miller Lite.” I smell a marketing campaign for Bud Light coming up here.

Beef & Beer

I have come to a couple of conclusions after reading about this.

Conclusion 1: Besides the obvious Bud Light campaign yet to be gleaned from this deal, I am firmly convinced that some Einstein out there has already started making plans to keep his cow herd drunk and sell the meat as “pre-marinated”.


Conclusion 2: The next time I am having a party I will be serving my guests Miller Lite just in case there is a cattle stampede. The cattle can bring their own Bud Light.

I’m just sayin’.