Category: Beach

Our 1st Dumbass of 2012 is a Threefer!

A Gay Old Time

Fresh off the crowning of the 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award winner, we jump right into the search for the 2012 “You Big Dummy” recipient. And, brother, are we jumpin’ in!

Running a post like this one following an epic event like the FGSYBDDOTYA is at best a risky proposition. How does one come up with something that comes even close to such a monster? The monster that I, myself, created? What have I become? Dr. Dumbass-enstein? Lord, save me from my own genius!

What do you think? Will the Shakespearian quality of the preceding paragraph enhance my chances for winning a Pulitzer? I mean, the drama, the internal conflict within my soul, the inspiration from Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein! What more could the dumbasses the fine members of the Pulitzer Committee want? But, I digress. 

The Subject at Hand 

Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment. Anyway, today’s first story of 2012 features something that I don’t know whether to applaud or be appalled by. Let me splain.

El Splain-o

Police in Fort Myers, Florida were conducting a sting operation hoping to find some guys committing acts of lewdness in public. The site of this clandestine operation was Bunche Beach. The law put some undercover male detectives on the beach where the lewd-idity occurred hoping to bust these naughty dumbasses. It didn’t take long before the cops got their men. Yes, I said male cops and men. Old men. A couple of them very old men. Old and very old as in 62, 73 and 82 years old. One is from New York, another from Illinois and the other guy is from Florida. So, what we have here is a national sample of some perverted old guys who have, in their Golden Years, have discovered how to be a homo, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The reason these three senior citizen dumbasses were busted is because they approached the fuzz and showed them (the cops) their “concha shells” and “sand dollars”, ifykwimaityd. As I mentioned above, I don’t know whether to cheer these dirty old bastards on or wish them to rot in Hell. But the laws of the State of the F.L.A. say that the old fuckers are criminals and so it is. 


As always, a few questions come to mind. These three dipshits are in The Sunshine State, right? Beaches, warm weather, half nekkid young women running around all over the place and so forth. In other words, there were plenty of chances for the old farts to flash their “manatees” at some good lookin’ babes. Why in God’s name would they want to exhibit their “buried treasures” to men? Are they just now discovering their inner homo? Or are they just “curious”?

Another thing, ain’t there any eligible, horny old rich women for these dumbasses to hit on? I’m fairly sure that many of the rich, old horny women in Fort Myers haven’t seen “conchas” and “sand dollars” in quite sometime and would be willing to play “hidden treasure” or “let me walk your plank, Sailor” at the drop of a hat.

I guess we’ll never know since our “wanna see my sand castle?” trio have probably gone incognito. Or to the pastel part of Miami.



The Ballad of the Balloons and the Sea Turtles

Often Mistaken for Jelly Fish by Sea Turtles

As you know, there are dumbasses of every stripe breathing your air. But some of the biggest dumbasses are the Save the Earth/Animals dipshits. You know the kind. The dumbasses who pour paint on somebody wearing a fur coat. Or some numb nuts who sets car dealerships on fire to “save the world” from the scourge that is global warming, or should I say climate change? I don’t care, because climate change as these dumbasses define it, is a fucking hoax. As for the animal rights dumbasses, I like animals. I just like them medium rare or with a little mustard whatever the case may be. Since there’s not another planet we can send these dumbasses to and other things I’d like to see done to them are against the law, ridiculing them and showing them as the purveyors of hate for humans and violence against those who disagree with them idiots that they are, I shall ridicule them until my ass falls off from laughing. And my ass ain’t even loose yet. So in this particular post we are gonna be dealing with a Save the Animals Dumbass.

Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina is probably a good place to live. I’m sure it’s a town occupied by many good people. However, 60% of Wrightsville Beach’s elected officials are dumbasses. And I mean dumbasses. I arrived at that 60% figure like this : there are five aldermen who serve the citizens of Wrightsville Beach and three of them are dumbasses. Three is 60% of five. The reason that these three dickweeds are dumbasses is because they voted to outlaw balloons in the city! The ordinance in place says that if you are caught carrying a balloon while strolling the beach in Wrightsville Beach, you’ll be issued a citation for one hundred dollars! If you let your balloon float away into the wild blue yonder, that’s another $250! Of the three dumbass aldermen who voted for this law, one deserves “special” attention. her name is Lisa Weeks. She’s the dumbass who cast the deciding vote on this piece of shit bill. The Nanny State Liberation Front  picks it up from there: Weeks “said she did it “for the sea turtles.” She and her fellow balloon banners are convinced that sea turtles confuse deflated balloons for yummy jellyfish, resulting in suffocation and death.” I am not making this up! Ms. Weeks, as you can now see, is a Dumbass Cum Laude. And the fact that at least 50% plus one vote of the voters of Wrightsville Beach elected this moron, means that they ain’t exactly in line to receive Rhodes Scholarships.

I am curious as to how many dead sea turtles who have been suffocated by deflated balloons have washed ashore in Wrightsville Beach. One? Ten? I’ll go out on a limb here and say that the count is exactly ZERO. But that’s just me.

 A word of advice for the voters of Wrightsville Beach comes from a commenter on the NSLF. Miss Wynonna says, “Very simple…..Either VOTE them out next election cycle, OR start a recall pettion to get them removed from thier positions…..” Or write in Miss Wynonna’s name as an alternative to the three dumbasses who passed this ordinance. When she wins, celebrate by releasing a few hundreds helium-filled balloons into the air. Then if any sea turtles suffocated from deflated balloons wash ashore, make turtle soup. Dumbasses.