Category: Beer

Dumbass Finds Image of Jesus on Beer Box!

It is said that the Lord works in mysterious ways. Now, I think it means that The Big Guy acts in ways that His children don’t expect. Even non-believers get the gist of this saying.

The Dumbass in our story today takes that old adage to an entirely other level. A level that either gives the Lord a good laugh or He starts making reservations in warmer climes for our Dumbass. Actually, I don’t think God would condemn the poor knucklehead to the Eternal Lake of Fire Where There’s a Lot of Gnashing of Teeth and Other Bad Stuff Forever and Ever for being an idiot, but He may have created a new category of sin in honor of The Guy in This Story.

Let us pray. 

Fred

Once upon a timeth, in a land far away, the mythical Land of Florida, lived an ordinary man namedeth Sir Frederick of Truluck. Actually, the brutha’s named was simply Fred Truluck, but bear with me here. In this wonderful and magical place called Florida resided many hard working, God fearing people we’ll call “The Tribe of the Normal People”. While certainly hard working and God fearing, Sir Frederick was of a group of citizens who had the collective IQ of a menatlly challenged spit wad, the “Tribe of the Dumbass”.

One glorious day as Sir Frederick of the hamlet of Bradenton was taking a leisurely stroll with his faithful sidekick, Fido the Hound, so Fido could taketh a shiteth, Sir Fred happened upon a fish-shaped object glistening in the bright Florida sunshine. Being a man of Faith, and the fish being a Christian symbol, Fred picked up his piscatorial prize and returned to his humble abode.

Amen!

It is important to note here that the FSO (Fish Shaped Object) was made of cardboard. Alas! This was not cardboard of an ordinary making! It was cardboard from a box of Corona beer! In case you didn’t know, Corona is a Meskin beer. Further, the word “corona” means “crown”. This tidbit is of the utmost import to our story. Because….

After Fred got home, he placed the FSO on a counter top and went about his bidness for a little while. Upon completing whatever the hell he was doing, Fred picked up the FSO to admire it. I mean, it’s odd enough to find a piece of cardboard in the shape of a fish, but what happened next is a true miracle! Unseen by Fred until this very moment, on the other side of the cardboard FSO from a Corona Beer carton was an image of Jesus! Hallelujah! The Son of Man has appeared on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from a carton of Meskin beer! The End Times are nigh! Face it, sinners, the image of The Word has been seen on potato chips and pieces of toast among other things, so why not on a beer carton? And why not to a guy who was taking his dog on a poop walk?

Mysterious?

The Lord may indeed work in mysterious ways, but something in my heart of hearts tells me that appearing on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from the carton of an el cheap-o Meskin beer is not one of them. Call me a skeptic, if you must, but I think that when The Redeemer makes himself known to Mankind it will be in a more Biblical way. Like maybe on the back of a pure white steed in full Satan-killing armor surrounded by Archangel Warriors or something.  You know, Armageddon. Beer boxes? Not so much.

So, Fred, lay off the lousy beer and get back on your meds. He Who Sits at the Right Hand of the Father ain’t gonna manifest Himself on a case of barley pop. Got it? This ain’t the Shroud of Turin for cryin’ out loud.

Or a piece of toast.

Dumbass.

***Image from Daily Mail***

Beer Delivery Through 9-1-1!

“A 6 Pack of Bud at 222 Elm St., Mr. Smith? It’ll Be Right Over!”
Best of Dumbass News
 
I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It’s a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states – Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can’t even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That’s Communism pure and simple. “But, Toby!”, you protest. “You don’t even drink, so what’s the big deal?” Well, here’s your answer, smartypants. It’s un-American! It’s every American drunk’s right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state – like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado – they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it’s too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.

There’s a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven – driven, I say! – to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord’s Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin’ for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn’t deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn’t really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He’d make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah…and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that’s another story for another day.

Dumbass.

Global Warming Causes Mental Illness, Wacky Canadians & 4 Pissed Off Women

A Dumbass Salute to You!

Best of Dumbass News 

 
Thank you Dumbasses in 142 (now152- ed)countries around the world for making the last two weeks the best ever for Dumbass News! I truly believe that because you are a tasteless bastard living in your mother’s basement, or you are a fucking alcohol addled hobo getting free WiFi from the library located near your cardboard box “shelter”, it is you that has put this blog in its current bottom feeding almost lofty status. Then again, it is my brilliant, incisive observations, or as my late Dad used to say, bullshit, that brings us all together. On the other hand, your continued support has proven to me that you are an honest-to-God mentally defective degenerate. I say that with love, so hit the Tip Jar (the “Donate” button) in the top right sidebar. I need the money. Shoot me some cheese dammit.

Enough with the touchy, feely shit. Let’s get down to bidness.

Bidness

As usual for a weekend, here are some oldies but goodies that you or, more likely, the thousands of new Dumbasses that haven’t had a chance to read, in which case you either can’t read or you are too lazy to find the stories on your own.

One more thing…here’s a Special Dumbass Shout Out to Brenda somewhere in Arkansas. She and I had a nice email exchange regarding a question about one of my posts. Judging by the way Brenda writes and some of the things she wrote in our email conversation, she is definitely Dumbass Worthy. Ooooooooooooooooooooooo pig sooey!!!!!!!

Dumbass News Trifecta!

A Dumbass Salute to You!

Thank you Dumbasses in 142 countries around the world for making the last two weeks the best ever for Dumbass News! I truly believe that because you are a tasteless bastard living in your mother’s basement, or you are a fucking alcohol addled hobo getting free WiFi from the library located near your cardboard box “shelter”, it is you that has put this blog in its current bottom feeding almost lofty status. Then again, it is my brilliant, incisive observations, or as my late Dad used to say, bullshit, that brings us all together. On the other hand, your continued support has proven to me that you are an honest-to-God mentally defective degenerate. I say that with love, so hit the Tip Jar (the “Donate” button) in the top right sidebar. I need the money. Shoot me some cheese dammit.

Enough with the touchy, feely shit. Let’s get down to bidness.

Bidness

As usual for a weekend, here are some oldies but goodies that you or, more likely, the thousands of new Dumbasses that haven’t had a chance to read, in which case you either can’t read or you are too lazy to find the stories on your own.

One more thing…here’s a Special Dumbass Shout Out to Brenda somewhere in Arkansas. She and I had a nice email exchange regarding a question about one of my posts. Judging by the way Brenda writes and some of the things she wrote in our email conversation, she is definitely Dumbass Worthy. Ooooooooooooooooooooooo pig sooey!!!!!!!

Cattle Crash Party; Drink All the Beer!

Cattle Prefer One Over the Other

Ahhhh Summer Time. The season of warm weather, gentle breezes, backyard cook outs, cattle drinking all your beer…wait! Whaaaaaat the hell?! Beer-drinking cows? That’s not the only dumbass detail about this story.

Beer-swilling bovine is not exactly a topic commonly brought up around the water cooler at work, but if the subject of cows drinking barley pop ever came up you’d think it would happen in a place famous for having lots of cattle – like Texas, Montana or Wisconsin. That is not, however, the case with this edition of Dumbass News.

A Moooooving Time Was Had By All

Imagine that you are having a few friends over to your pad for a BBQ and cold beer. Easy enough, it’s Summer Time and that sort of thing happens this time of year. It’s also inevitable that some uninvited Dumbass will hear about your soiree and stop by to ruin an otherwise good time. That’s bad enough. But when the party is crashed by a whole herd, and I mean herd, of non-invitees, the damn thing goes to Hell in a hand basket real quick like.

Think about it. There you are swiggin’ co’ beer and bullshittin’ with your buddies and all of the sudden a herd of cattle stampede into your back yard! That’s the “dumbass detail” I alluded to up there^^^^? This incident actually happened in…

in Massachusetts??!! You mean the home of Bean Town, the Patriots, Paul Revere and the Red Sox Massachusetts? Yep. That’s the one.

Head ’em Up, Move ’em Out!

“Quick, boys! Before all the Miller Lite is gone!”

This ordeal took place in Boxford, Massivetwoshits when the police were rounding up a herd of cattle that had escaped their confines. As the (insert John Wayne movie title here) moment unfolded, the cattle decided to break ranks and head for the hills. Or in this case, someone’s back yard.

The cops heard (pun intended; heard; herd; I kill myself sometimes) a shit load of screamimg coming from the back yard and arrived to see the cows drinking all the party goers’ beer! According to an officer on the scene, and I am not making this up, the bovine beer burglars “preferred the Bud Light to the Miller Lite.” I smell a marketing campaign for Bud Light coming up here.

Beef & Beer

I have come to a couple of conclusions after reading about this.

Conclusion 1: Besides the obvious Bud Light campaign yet to be gleaned from this deal, I am firmly convinced that some Einstein out there has already started making plans to keep his cow herd drunk and sell the meat as “pre-marinated”.

and…

Conclusion 2: The next time I am having a party I will be serving my guests Miller Lite just in case there is a cattle stampede. The cattle can bring their own Bud Light.

I’m just sayin’.

Dumbasses.

Best of "Dumbass News": Ordering Beer Through 911!

I wrote this post last May, I think, and it contains an absolutely Nobel Prize Worthy in Economics solution to the financial difficulties that face the Communist State of Connecticut. It’s such a simple plan, that I’m surprised some Commie Connecticutter hasn’t proposed it yet. You’ll recognize the sheer brilliance of this idea right away. Provided you are not a Commie Connecticutter. Or a tea totaler. 

I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It’s a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states – Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can’t even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That’s Communism pure and simple. “But, Toby!”, you protest. “You don’t even drink, so what’s the big deal?” Well, here’s your answer, smartypants. It’s un-American! It’s every American drunk’s right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state – like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado – they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it’s too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.

“A 6 pack of Bud to 222 Maine Street? We’re on the way, Mr. Jones!”

There’s a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven – driven, I say! – to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord’s Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin’ for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn’t deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn’t really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He’d make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah…and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that’s another story for another day.

Dumbass.