Category: Big Apple

Generalissimo Bloomberg Bans BOBs in Big Apple! Kind Of

New York City and Mayor Michael Bloomturd have gone too far this time.

It all started with transfats, then salt and large fountain sodas as targets of Hizzoner’s I am a God Syndrome, now this vicious attack on Freedom has moved on to vibrators. Citizens of the Big Apple revolt!

Mayor Bloombito, Commie 

Mayor Michael Bloomingidiot of NYC is not a stoopid man. he’s a Commie Dumbass, but he is not a stoopid guy. he didn’t get to be a billionaire by being ignunt, so I figure he must have made a deal with Satan in order to achieve his riches and his power. That’s the only logical explanation.

As you’ll recall, His Highness started down the road to being a dictator by banning trans fats in restaurants throughout New York City. Then salt became the villain du jour. As if that ain’t enough of this Little Man’s Crusade to Run Your Life, he stepped in and decreed that soft drinks at eateries all over the city would not be sold in containers holding more than sixteen ounces.

At this point. you gotta wonder what the fuck is next?

Horny Wimmin & Homos Unite!

Now we know.

Buzz Kill 

The Daily Mail (London) reports, Shoppers were tingling with excitement when they spotted stalls handing out free vibrators yesterday.
Around 1,000 people – male and female – joined the queues across New York to get their hands on the sex toys.
Crowds downtown were left frustrated however, when city officials pulled the plug on the traffic-stopping event after only 40 minutes.”

Go read the entire article here and I’ll wait for you to return.

I Have Questions 

Fearless Leaders do not become Fearless Leaders by sitting idly by while the horny wimmin (and homos) of the biggest city in the country are denied their Constitutional right to self pleasure using battery operated boyfriends. That’s why I lead the Dumbass Horde, not follow it. 

I have a few very pointed (I said pointed, bwahahahahaha) questions for mayor Bloomingfuckwad.

  • Blocking traffic? Are you fucking serious? In NYC? That’s about as difficult as finding a homo in San Francissy.
  • What is your problem with horny wimmin and homos?
  • What have you got against vibrators? You appear to have one up your ass 24/7.
  • What have you got against Trojan? Wait, you have no “manhood” or balls so at least I can see your point here. You feel left out. Except for the vibrator up the ass part.
  • Why don’t you buy stock in Dura Cell and endorse the fake dick giveaway? You could make another fortune!
  • Use lubricant on your personal BOB and your asshole won’t be so chapped all the time.

I think these are fair questions that deserve, nay demand answers!

So whaddya say, Mayor? Grow a pair. Answer to the people you supposedly represent! Especially the horny wimmin and homo constituency. It’s your duty.

I guess we can be thankful that the BOBs in question were not salted 32 ounce dipped in lard toys. There’s no tellin’ what His Hiney-ness would have done.

Dumbass. 

Fake Cop Turns Tricks on Hookers

Dead Giveaway

Dumbasses run the gamut of the human experience – from the poorest of the poor to the heights and glory of the Presidency of the United States. Somewhere between those two extremes lie cops and also hookers.  Both make regular appearances on the pages of Dumbass News. Today’s story features a policeman and his pursuit of ladies of the evening.! Oh, the anticipation of it all is killing me, so let’s not waste another moment before getting down to the nitty gritty.

The Nitty Gritty

On at least four occasions since the first of the year, a dumbass named William Taylor has posed as an NYPD officer. Taylor was targeting hookers, threatening to throw them in the slammer. Unless they performed sex acts on him. He used his status as a “police officer” the coerce those poor whores into doing something they wouldn’t ever do. Work for FREE! I’m sure they’d gladly give a little tit for tat with a real cop, but how dare a fake policeman take advantage of these poor defenseless sluts! What ever will they do for crack money now?!

Apparently one of the prostitutes that Taylor had played “hide the 38 snub nose pistol” with called the hooker version of 9-1-1 (6-9-6-9?) and complained that turning an extra trick each week to recoup her lost income was not good on the old “groceries”. It also cut into her cocaine use by 10%. But dammit, all work and no play makes Shaniqua a bored harlot.

NYPD Ain’t Happy

After laughing their asses off and knockin’ out a couple of dozen Dunkin Donuts, the NYC cops thought about the call for a minute and said, “Hey! Some dumbass is out there stealing our free hookers! Next thing you know he’s gonna be getting free coffee and eclairs at our favorite pastry shops! Something must be done!” Being a police officer is very often a thankless job and when some fake cop is getting all the free tunnel of love and possibly donuts too….well, it’s more than a public servant can’t take. So, they did something. No, they did not put up a 24/7 stakeout on local donut joints, they did actual police work.

Our man William, the El Fake-o Cop, enjoyed the company of one of his coke-addled hoes that he gave her his cell phone number! Because he wanted to be her pimp! I am not now a fake cop (or pimp), nor have I ever been one or played one on TV, but leaving your cell phone number with someone you have basically raped is not a very good idea. The NYPD had the same idea as me and began looking in earnest for William. After polishing off another few Dunkin Munchkins.

The Big Apple’s Finest caught up with William and slapped enough charges on him that his new prison bitch name will be “Sparky”, IYKWIMAITYD.

Epilogue

William Taylor the fake cop of New York City is a blight on humanity and should be dealt with accordingly within the parameters of the law. I think we can all count on the fact that William will be a favorite of many of his new house mates at Sing Sing.

Fart like a man while you can, William, soon you’ll just go “poooooofff” when you break wind. Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

Giant TV is a Giant Headache for Some New Yorkers

BFT

The Big Apple has a big TV problem. Big to the tune of a 6000 square foot digital TV on top of the Port Authority building, 8th Avenue and West 42nd Street. Residents of the neighborhood are, shall we say, a little miffed. No we shall not say “a little miffed”, we shall say highly pissed off. Let me splain.

The Splainin’

The problem with this 6000 square foot behemoth is that it is turned on….24 hours a day, 7 days a week playing ADS for various businesses. During the nighttime hours, this thing must cast a helluva light around the area. According to the people who live near the giant TV say it keeps them up at night because of the pulsating lights emitted by the BFT (Big Fuckin’ TV). You know how it is when a regular TV is on in a dark room of your house? The flashing and blinking as the shows and commercials change scenes and all that? It’s almost as if a cop car is Code 3 right in your living room, lights and siren ablazin’. And that’s from what, a 40 incher? Just think what 6000 square feet of LCD would do. It must look like the Apocalypse or some shit.

What Residents Say

One funky old dude offers us this: “It’s flashing, flashing, flashing all the time, like lightning or having the paparazzi chasing you in your living room,” said Wilmer Hernandez, 74, a 40-year resident of the neighborhood. My cats don’t know what’s happening. They’re jumping around and looking all over the place trying to figure out where the light’s coming from. It’s funny, but it’s not funny.” Oh, yeah, fucking hilarious. If you want teh funnay, Wilmer, get your cats loaded just about dusk, then sit back, grab a cold beer and enjoy the entertainment. You’ll be amazed at what a feline on catnip will do. Imagine Bobcat Goldwaithe on acid. Get the picture? It’s hours of fun and except for the cost of the catnip, it’s FREE, too!

The Other Rest of the Story

In all fairness, the Port Authority does dim the BFT by 40% at night as to not cause too much commotion. But, there is one small problem with that plan. It’s a 6000 fucking square foot TV, you axlerods! What the hell are you dumbasses thinking? Good old Wilmer the Funky Old Dude and his cats, not to mention other residents in the area, are losing sleep, dealing with the flashing of the BFT’s screen and their animals are going ape shit. Can’t some sort of compromise be reached? Speaking of compromises, I just happen to have the foundation for one. It should appease the PA and the folks who live near the BFT. Why not turn the BFT off at 11pm or midnight and crank that bitch back up at, say, 6am. That way people can get some shut eye and the Port Authority could still flash their annoying ads. See how easy that was? I’m a Dumbass and came up with that. Couldn’t you assholes at the PA have done something like that a long time ago? No! Because you are uncaring bastards who don’t give a shit about people! Especially good ole Wilmer

The Wrap-Up

I know this is New York City we’re talking about here, but what dipshit in his right mind is gonna see an ad for Peter Pan Bus Lines (an actual client of the BFT) at 2am and say, “Ya know, Honey, I was just thinking how much we need to get away from the Rat Race and the noise and pollution of the City. So, first thing at the crack of noon tomorrow, I’m gonna call Peter Pan Bus Lines can do for us!” It ain’t happenin’.

My suggestion to the Port Authority is to come up with a plan like I outlined above or face the wrath of Wilmer, his cats and other pissed off Yankees. This is not a good thing. Also, it would be a terrible thing if Wilmer or one of his neighbors bought a 12 gauge shotgun and it were to “accidently” discharge eighteen or twenty times while aimed, unintentionally, at the BFT. But that would never happen, <snort> this is NYC, the city that never sleeps. Especially when there’s a 6000 square foot TV playing at all hours.

Dumbasses.