Category: Bigfoot

Guy Sets Up Fake Bigfoot on Side of Hiway; Gets Splattered by a Ford!

Best of Dumbass News

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we’ll do so again today, But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good (unless you’re dead person) to die is during sex. In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn’t bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain’t one of ’em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be High (low?) lighting today.

Big Foot & A Weird Way to Die Go Together

We have also covered some Bigfoot stuff that is relevant to today’s story in which a Bigfoot “researcher” actually uses moonshine to lure the legendary beast to within camera range. So far he has had no luck in sighting Bigfoot, but has had some legendary Saturday nights while alone in the woods with his hopes of a sighting and his hooch, which I understand provides one with some outstanding “sightings” of some sort. Like green snakes on the ceiling perhaps?

You may be asking yourself, “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, just how the hell do getting sent to your Reward during sex, vapor locking at a strip club and drunk Bigfoot “researchers” tie in to day’s excursion into the Shallow End of the gene pool and an untimely demise?

Let me splain.

Ghillie or Ghoulie?

Death and Sasquatch

Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana was setting up a hoax Bigfoot sighting when he was killed. During the set up of he fake Bigfoot encounter on the night in question, Tenley was on the side of Highway 93 doing the hoax thing when he was struck by a car! It is my Considered Fearless Leader Bigfoot Hoax Expert Opinion that when a normal size man is struck by a motor vehicle doing 70 miles per hour or more, that he will instantly gain fame in the Darwin Awards category. In other words, Randy Lee Tenley was squashed like a ripe tomato while doing what he was doing.

Police suspect alcohol was involved. You don’t say?

Here’s the entire news brief from the Associated Press via the HuffPuffBigfootIsRealPost, “A man dressed in a military-style “ghillie” suit and apparently trying to provoke reports of a Bigfoot sighting in northwest Montana was struck by two cars and killed, authorities said.

The man was standing in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 south of Kalispell on Sunday night when he was hit by the first car, according to the Montana Highway Patrol. A second car hit the man as he lay in the roadway, authorities said.

Flathead County officials identified the man as Randy Lee Tenley, 44, of Kalispell. Trooper Jim Schneider said motives were ascertained during interviews with friends, and alcohol may have been a factor but investigators were awaiting tests.

Ghillie suits are a type of full-body clothing made to resemble heavy foliage and used to camouflage military snipers.

Tenley was struck by vehicles driven by two girls, ages 15 and 17, who were unable to stop in time, authorities said.”

One Less Bell to Answer  

This accident sadly eliminates one of our Fellow Dumbasses from the Horde. But on the bright side, Randy Lee Tenley will no longer procreate given that he has assumed room temperature. Storm clouds, silver linings and all that. I am just a bit curious, however, about a couple of things.

  1. Why was it so important that Randy Lee dress up in a ghillie suit at night in order to perpetrate this little joke on the local citizenry? Oh, yeah. Alcohol “may have been involved. And if you read the Bigfoot story at the link above, you would know that alcohol is a very necessary tool in hunting down Bigfoot. Or at least getting drunk enough to “see” the beast.
  2. Why is it that drunk Dumbasses who do the best stoopid shit always have three names, like Randy Lee Tenley. Why ain’t it ever some simple name such as John Smith? I want to know. Really. I do.
  3. Isn’t there a decent strip club in Kalispell where Randy Lee could have gone to die? I mean getting a lap dance from a nekkid chick seems like an infinitely more “fun” way to buy the farm than to be obliterated by a couple of teenage girls in a Prius. Maybe I am wrong, because I have never died before and I am quite unwilling to find out which way is a more “pleasant” way to go. Although death by stripper appears to be more enticing. 

But, that’s just how I roll. Unlike Randy Lee Tenley.

R.I.P.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Setting Up Bigfoot Hoax on Hiway Gets Splattered by a Toyota

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we’ll do so again today, But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good (unless you’re dead person) to die is during sex. In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn’t bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain’t one of ’em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be High (low?) lighting today.

Big Foot & A Weird Way to Die Go Together

We have also covered some Bigfoot stuff that is relevant to today’s story in which a Bigfoot “researcher” actually uses moonshine to lure the legendary beast to within camera range. So far he has had no luck in sighting Bigfoot, but has had some legendary Saturday nights while alone in the woods with his hopes of a sighting and his hooch, which I understand provides one with some outstanding “sightings” of some sort. Like green snakes on the ceiling perhaps?

You may be asking yourself, “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, just how the hell do getting sent to your Reward during sex, vapor locking at a strip club and drunk Bigfoot “researchers” tie in to day’s excursion into the Shallow End of the gene pool and an untimely demise?

Let me splain.

Ghillie or Ghoulie?

Death and Sasquatch

Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana was setting up a hoax Bigfoot sighting when he was killed. During the set up of he fake Bigfoot encounter on the night in question, Tenley was on the side of Highway 93 doing the hoax thing when he was struck by a car! It is my Considered Fearless Leader Bigfoot Hoax Expert Opinion that when a normal size man is struck by a motor vehicle doing 70 miles per hour or more, that he will instantly gain fame in the Darwin Awards category. In other words, Randy Lee Tenley was squashed like a ripe tomato while doing what he was doing.

Police suspect alcohol was involved. You don’t say?

Here’s the entire news brief from the Associated Press via the HuffPuffBigfootIsRealPost, “A man dressed in a military-style “ghillie” suit and apparently trying to provoke reports of a Bigfoot sighting in northwest Montana was struck by two cars and killed, authorities said.

The man was standing in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 south of Kalispell on Sunday night when he was hit by the first car, according to the Montana Highway Patrol. A second car hit the man as he lay in the roadway, authorities said.

Flathead County officials identified the man as Randy Lee Tenley, 44, of Kalispell. Trooper Jim Schneider said motives were ascertained during interviews with friends, and alcohol may have been a factor but investigators were awaiting tests.

Ghillie suits are a type of full-body clothing made to resemble heavy foliage and used to camouflage military snipers.

Tenley was struck by vehicles driven by two girls, ages 15 and 17, who were unable to stop in time, authorities said.”

One Less Bell to Answer  

This accident sadly eliminates one of our Fellow Dumbasses from the Horde. But on the bright side, Randy Lee Tenley will no longer procreate given that he has assumed room temperature. Storm clouds, silver linings and all that. I am just a bit curious, however, about a couple of things.

  1. Why was it so important that Randy Lee dress up in a ghillie suit at night in order to perpetrate this little joke on the local citizenry? Oh, yeah. Alcohol “may have been involved. And if you read the Bigfoot story at the link above, you would know that alcohol is a very necessary tool in hunting down Bigfoot. Or at least getting drunk enough to “see” the beast.
  2. Why is it that drunk Dumbasses who do the best stoopid shit always have three names, like Randy Lee Tenley. Why ain’t it ever some simple name such as John Smith? I want to know. Really. I do.
  3. Isn’t there a decent strip club in Kalispell where Randy Lee could have gone to die? I mean getting a lap dance from a nekkid chick seems like an infinitely more “fun” way to buy the farm than to be obliterated by a couple of teenage girls in a Prius. Maybe I am wrong, because I have never died before and I am quite unwilling to find out which way is a more “pleasant” way to go. Although death by stripper appears to be more enticing. 

But, that’s just how I roll. Unlike Randy Lee Tenley.

R.I.P.

Dumbass.

Home Brewed Booze as a Bigfoot Tracking Tool

Fwench Woman on a Stroll

I need a day off. And since I am the boss and Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, I am gonna take one. I have some personal business to attend to today, so I dug up a post from a while back that thrilled Dumbasses around the with its insight and keen observations that is sure to excite the masses. I’ll be back tomorrow ith my usual Dumbass take on the world and the dumbasses who inhabit it.

Toby

Mankind has been in search of mythical creatures for hundreds of years. Sea monsters, the Loch Ness Monster and his American Cousin, Champ over in Vermont, the Chupacabra (Goat Sucker for all you Gringos out there) of South Texas, you name it, man has looked for it. One of the most enduring and endearing legends of dumbass looking “monsters” is that of Big Foot, Yeti or Sasquatch, depending on which culture you ask – Dumbass White Guy Culture, the Chinese or American Indians. each one has a stale of similar beasts roving the Northern Hemisphere from China to the Pacific Northwest of the USA.

Now some dumbass old man who has sought out Bigfoot for decades(!) has arranged another research expedition in search of my mother-in-law the legendary beast. This waste of hard earned cash, I mean, scientific exercise will take place in North Carolina. the main Expedition Dumbass Guy is Michael Greene who has said that his “previous encounters with Bigfoot — also known as Sasquatch and Yeti in the folklore of different cultures — include hearing the creature roar and capturing thermal imaging footage of a 7-foot-tall creature with no discernible neck…”. Where I come from we call these encounters being shitfaced drunk and/or married. But, I am a dumbass Redneck, so what do I know. I’ll tell you what I know! I know about being married as I have partaken of such on more than one occasion and I damn sure know about being shitfaced drunk. I must confess that I was much better at being shitfaced drunk than at being married. Anyway, our Bigfoot researcher, Brother Dumbass Greene has a plan that will with unquestioned certainty will finally prove the existence of this non-existent animal!

After reading that statement, you’d think that Brother Dumbass Greene had the most advanced technology available to men of his er, uh, “stature” in his quest for Bigfoot. But no!!! Here are Greene’s own words as stolen borrowed from the UPI story:

“Usually,” Greene said of his previous Bigfoot hunts, nothing at all happens. But you hear roaring in the bushes. They’ll pitch rocks into camp, but they never hit anybody. Greene said his team will try to root out the Sasquatch with low-tech methods such as banging on trees with baseball bats and leaving candy bars at their campsite.” In his statement, Greene left out the most powerful in his Bigfoot Searching Arsenal – moonshine! That will make something happen! Trust me on this one, folks. A couple of gizzard-warming shots of Mountain Dew will make you see Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Jesus and all sorts of other creatures and apparitions. After due consideration, I have deemed this little junket a success no matter if Bigfoot is found or not. Smoky Moutain Soothin’ Syrup is guaranteed to make any critter-finding field trip worthwhile!

Besides the low-tech approach to this experiment, Brother Dumbass Greene has unwittingly added more tools to his baseball bats,candy bars and moonshine – hallucinations and nekkidness. A snort or two of Hillbilly Sody (spelling intentional) Water and Brother Dumbass Greene and his colleagues will be dancing around the camp fire buck ass nekkid singing the Best of Slim Whitman at the top of their lungs. I just hope that Bigfoot is a Slim Whitman fan, too. Happy hunting, Senor Greene!

Dumbass.

Moonshine, Bigfoot, $25 Million and Hissing Cockroaches

Dumbass Colonoscopy

The World Serious is over and the St. Louis Cardinals are the World Champions for 2011. Congrats to the Cards and their fans. You guys had a magical season in 2011, especially from late August on. What your team accomplished is something extraordinary and you should cherish every single inning of it. St. Louis is a great baseball town and the fans are some of the most knowledgeable in the Majors. Keep in mind that Spring Training is just three and a half months away and every team in the National League will be gunning for the Champs in 2012. Go forth and celebrate your 11th World Serious title, because next year the Texas Rangers will be back and better than ever!

Other than being disappointed about the outcome of the Series, it was a great week here at Dumbass News. For those of you dumbasses that missed out on some of my brilliant writing and unmatched commentary, today is your chance to catch up with the latest in the World of Dumbassery. For example…

  • Moonshine and Bigfoot – If the urge to go out into the wilderness and become the first to document the existence of Bigfoot, hooch is a necessary scientific research tool. If you are unable to find Bigfoot, you’ll certainly find Big Hangover. 
  • It’s Raining Money in Oklahoma I goof on Okies on a regular basis, but I mean it in a loving way. The people of Oklahoma are some of the finest people you’ll ever meet – Salt of the Earth kinda folks. Hell, Oklahoma has given us Mickey Mantle, Troy Aikman, Garth Brooks and my favorite Redhead, Reba McEntire. Who could hate a place that has produced that group? Not me. BTW, the only reason Texas doesn’t drift off into the Gulf of Mexico is because Oklahoma sucks. 🙂
  • Eating BBQ Flavored Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches! – As a former Broadcast Professional (Radio and TV), I can tell you first hand that people will do some seriously stoopid shit in order to win a prize. The bigger the prize, the stoopider the shit they will do. Don’t believe me? Read this post and you’ll want to projectile vomit immediately tune in to your favorite radio station and see what kind of stoopid shit you yourself will do for a fabulous prize!
  • The $25 Million Dollar Dumbass Mistake – Here are some clues: 1.) Ay-rab. 2) 7-11.3.) Dumbass and 4.) Lotto. Go see what I mean. 

That’s the Dumbass News Week in Review for the last full week of October. I must now hunker down as we have a Winter Storm on the way that could dump as much as a foot of snow on Augusta (where I live) and the rest of South Central Maine. The average first day of measurable snowfall for us is November 17, so we are definitely ahead of schedule this year. It’s gonna be a long, cold, snowy winter in New England. Why did I ever leave Texas? Because I am a…

Dumbass.

Moonshine- An Essential Bigfoot Tracking Tool

Is This Creature a Slim Whitman Fan?

Mankind has been in search of mythical creatures for hundreds of years. Sea monsters, the Loch Ness Monster and his American Cousin, Champ over in Vermont, the Chupacabra (Goat Sucker for all you Gringos out there) of South Texas, you name it, man has looked for it. One of the most enduring and endearing legends of dumbass looking “monsters” is that of Big Foot, Yeti or Sasquatch, depending on which culture you ask – Dumbass White Guy Culture, the Chinese or American Indians. each one has a stale of similar beasts roving the Northern Hemisphere from China to the Pacific Northwest of the USA.

Now some dumbass old man who has sought out Bigfoot for decades(!) has arranged another research expedition in search of my mother-in-law the legendary beast. This waste of hard earned cash, I mean, scientific exercise will take place in North Carolina. the main Expedition Dumbass Guy is Michael Greene who has said that his “previous encounters with Bigfoot — also known as Sasquatch and Yeti in the folklore of different cultures — include hearing the creature roar and capturing thermal imaging footage of a 7-foot-tall creature with no discernible neck…”. Where I come from we call these encounters being shitfaced drunk and/or married. But, I am a dumbass Redneck, so what do I know. I’ll tell you what I know! I know about being married as I have partaken of such on more than one occasion and I damn sure know about being shitfaced drunk. I must confess that I was much better at being shitfaced drunk than at being married. Anyway, our Bigfoot researcher, Brother Dumbass Greene has a plan that will with unquestioned certainty will finally prove the existence of this non-existent animal!

After reading that statement, you’d think that Brother Dumbass Greene had the most advanced technology available to men of his er, uh, “stature” in his quest for Bigfoot. But no!!! Here are Greene’s own words as stolen borrowed from the UPI story:

“Usually,” Greene said of his previous Bigfoot hunts, nothing at all happens. But you hear roaring in the bushes. They’ll pitch rocks into camp, but they never hit anybody. Greene said his team will try to root out the Sasquatch with low-tech methods such as banging on trees with baseball bats and leaving candy bars at their campsite.” In his statement, Greene left out the most powerful in his Bigfoot Searching Arsenal – moonshine! That will make something happen! Trust me on this one, folks. A couple of gizzard-warming shots of Mountain Dew will make you see Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Jesus and all sorts of other creatures and apparitions. After due consideration, I have deemed this little junket a success no matter if Bigfoot is found or not. Smoky Moutain Soothin’ Syrup is guaranteed to make any critter-finding field trip worthwhile!

Besides the low-tech approach to this experiment, Brother Dumbass Greene has unwittingly added more tools to his baseball bats,candy bars and moonshine – hallucinations and nekkidness. A snort or two of Hillbilly Sody (spelling intentional) Water and Brother Dumbass Greene and his colleagues will be dancing around the camp fire buck ass nekkid singing the Best of Slim Whitman at the top of their lungs. I just hope that Bigfoot is a Slim Whitman fan, too. Happy hunting, Senor Greene!

Dumbass.