Category: BIrthday

Gun Free Zones Are Now Word Free Zones in NYC Schools!

STFU!

Best of Dumbass News

New York City. The Big Apple. The Greatest City in the World. Give us your poor, your tired, your dumbasses.

NYC was once the greatest city on Earth. Now a days it’s turning into San Francisco East, without all the homo stuff being their main “attraction”. By that I mean that New York City is turning into a nanny state faster than you can say I love New York. For example…salt on fast foods. Banned. Trans fats. Banned. Rush Limbaugh and his millions? Now in sunny South Florida. Glenn Beck and his broadcasting empire? Gawn to Big D. Is it the water? No. But it could be the schools.

What’s the Problem Here?

The NYC school department has notified firms that produce testing materials for New York schools to not use certain words and phrases in tests. Are we talking about words like “fuck”? No. “Bitch” or “ho”? Uh uh. Then what exactly are the offending words or phrases banned from these exams? Put some kind of padding on your desk to cushion the blow to your chin when it smacks against your desk top. Like we say in Texas, “You ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Village of the Banned

Like lepers cast away into the furthest reaches of the land, the following lingo has been exiled into the Funk and Wagnalls Wasteland of Words.

Here’s a partial list from theblaze.com:

  • Dinosaur – apparently people who don’t believe in evolution might be offended
  • Halloween – rumored to support Paganism and that bothers some
  • Birthday – Jehovah‘s Witnesses don’t celebrate birthdays, so nobody else should know about it… right?
  • Dancing – unless it is ballet dancing
  • Computers – if mentioned as being in homes… use in schools and libraries is ok

More from The Blaze: “Topics like divorce and disease are to be avoided, because a student taking a test could be the child of a split marriage or might have a sick relative. Mentions of wealthy people could create jealousy. Poverty is also off limits, as poor or non-wealthy kids could be offended.”

Here’s a video from abc7 in New York that goes into a bit more detail.

Oh, Boy! It’s My Turn!

I am gonna go down the list above and put in my Dumbass Opinion. This is gonna be fun!

Dinosaur – So it tweaks those who don’t believe in evolution? Who. Gives. A. Shit? Not me. You don’t have to believe in evolution to understand that the Earth is not only 5 or 6000 years old. Hell, Phyllis Diller is that old! Then again, the idiots that this word offends are probably Jehovah’s Witnesses anyway. And who cares what those turds believe in? Oh, wait! These are the same dip sticks that don’t believe in birthdays either! If they don’t count birthdays, then how in God’s name could they understand the concept of “millions” of years? Oh, yeah, they can’t. Screw ’em. They don’t count.
My Verdict: Dinosaur and birthday stay in the tests and the Jehovah’s Witnesses get banned to New Jersey.

Halloween Paganism? Yes, Halloween was once a Pagan holiday of some sort. That’s a fact. I ain’t gonna go into the history of Halloween, but you are welcomed to do so at Wikipedia. Besides, the broads not wearing masks on Halloween are prolly too ugly to nail anyway.
My Verdict: The Catholic Church says Halloween is OK. If the Pope says it’s cool, it’s cool. I gotta go with him on this one. So put masks on the ugly bitches get loaded and give ’em a good treat for Halloween. IYKWIMAITYD. Same for guys, too. I ain’t a sexist.

Dancing – Ballet? Are you kiddin’ me? That stuff is Homo City. Very cool stuff, but girly. Let the kids do some headbangin’. They’re kids for cryin’ out loud. BTW, the reason mayor Bloomberg doesn’t make whoppie standing up is because someone might think he’s dancing. I’m just sayin’.

My Verdict: Bloomberg and the people who run this testing program for NYC schools need to get laid. Just not standing up.

Computers – Whoever came up with this one should have his hard drive cut off with a rusty DVD.
My Verdict: I’ll offer a reward of 23 cents for video proof of a “de-hard driving”.

NYC – The Big Dumbass

I am not labeling the people of New York City as dumbasses, just the fucking asswipes who came up with all this politically correct bull shit. These nincompoops have no business potty training a kid, much less teaching them the 3 Rs. Fire ’em all. Every. Damn. One. Of. Them. Bring in some Honest-to-God “teachers” and administartors that have the best interests of the children they are teaching first. And fuck the NEA or whatever piece of doo doo union these “teachers” are a part of. But that’s another story for another day.

One more thing…there are over FOUR DOZEN words on the Not On NYC-DOE Tests List.

And here’s a single word that says it all to the New York City Department of Education. It’s Number 1 on my list.

Dumbasses.

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Dumbass Birthday Extravaganza!

Yesterday was the Youngest Daughter’s (her name is Bailey) sixth birthday! We will be celebrating the Big Birthday Extravaganza today with a few of her friends and a couple of family members.

One of those family members is not my Mother-in-law.  The Old Battle Axe lives about 200 miles from us so she can’t make it.

Good.

While we will rock the Dumbass Dome with the ear-splitting squeals joyful noises from Satan’s Spawn Times Ten a group of Bailey’s buddies, the MIL will be in the Easternmost City in the United States of America (Eastport, Maine) wearing her tall, pointy black hat and and robe, practically cradling her boiling cauldron, chanting some ghoulish gibberish and systematically adding bat’s wings and eye of newt to her gurgling Witch’s Brew. MIL calls this ritual “Saturday”.

Oh, yeah…Happy Birthday, Bailey! I love you!

Best of Dumbass News

I wrote this post a couple of years ago and I rerun it about once a year at this time of year. Why? Because today is my Monster Mother in Law’s birthday. For her and those who love her, and I ain’t one of ’em, it’s a day of celebration and joy. For me? Not so much. I guess I could look on the positive side of things and say to myself, “Fearless Leader, at least the old bat is one day closer to being on the other side of the dirt”, but there’s just no cheering me up on a day like today.

What Should Be a Happy Day, Ain’t

A couple of days ago I wrote about impending doom a much overdue visit from my Mother-in-Law. As it turns out, there is a God!!!!, she had to postpone her trip by the Grace of The Almighty  due to car trouble. This turn of events caused  me to do cartwheels my wife great sadness and despair. I thought I was safe from all that is evil and wrong with the world. I.Was.Wrong. My weekend of sloth and gluttony has turned into The Weekend From Hell. I know you married guys are wondering, “How could a nice weekend of sloth and gluttony turn into a weekend from hell, when your Mother-in-Law is 200 miles away having car trouble and can’t come to torture and degrade you visit?” Let me ‘splain.

It Gets Worse

Although I’m happier than a stoned fat kid at a McDonald’s all you can eat buffet saddened my M-I-L can’t make it, a fate worse than paying alimony to an ex-wife that married a plastic surgeon has befallen me. I.Have.To.Go.Back.To.School.Shopping.! But wait! There’s more! I am (or should be) committed… to attend a baby shower! Don’t get me wrong, as a father of four (ages 3-31, God help me), I love kids, I really do (especially with a little salt and mustard….rimshot). But, less than a month before my 54th birthday, I thought my days of going to baby showers were over! At least until my own daughters had babies. But my wife threatened me with unspeakable acts of violence asked me nicely to go, so I said OK.

Upon further review, I never thought I’d miss my Mother-in-Law, but I do.

The Truth

I really love my Mom in Law. She’s a great lady and I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for her. She’s a keeper.

Today is Teena’s birthday and this is my own “special” way of telling her Happy Birthday, you old bitty. I just made the “old bitty” part up. Have a great day Teena….even if it means you are one day closer to the other side of the dirt.

Ma.

Dumbass.

Happy Birthday, Dumbass News!!!

It was two years ago today that I found a story about a dumbass bitch who gave her long-time boyfriend “permission” to go bag some other skank for one night only. I blogged about it,. Thus, the humble beginnings of Dumbass News. And I haven’t looked back.

On that day two years ago I started  Dumbass News just to have something to do. It was at that time that my Doctor told me I’d have to retire due to some health concerns and some mental illness issues that have been visited upon me. I have more letters followed by the words “disorder” or “syndrome” than a can of Campbell’s Alpha Bet Soup. But, I digress.

On September 19, 2010 when I wrote an introductory post announcing the “Grand Opening” of Dumbass News, I thought I’d have a few readers amongst family and friends around the country. I got them OK and several hundred a day more on a good day. Talk about being humbled. I have been slapped down and called “Shorty”.

A Few Quick Facts About Dumbass News

  • Dumbass News is my first attempt at blogging.
  • I love this blog like it’s one of my kids, which considering I personally write all the stories (except for the very occasional Guest Post). Anything that you write yourself, no matter how stoopid or brilliant, or in my case case, brilliantly stoopid, is like a new family member to a writing person.
  • I have posted over 700 (seven hundred!) stories on Dumbass News.
  • Yes, there really is a Mrs. Fearless Leader. She has been with me through thick and thin for almost eight years, which proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is a Dumbass. And deservedly so. I love her.
  • Here’s a factoid people have a hard time swallowing: I turned 56 years old a few days ago and yes, I have children ranging in age from 5 years old to 33 years old. They are my children. I helped make them. Even though two Mrs. Fearless Leaders did the heavy lifting. A few of my grandkids are older than my youngest children. So there.
  • Dumbass News has been read by Dumbasses in 144 Countries around the world.
  • By the end of today, Dumbass News will have been viewed more than 88,000 times. That averages out to more than 3667 per month or 267 per day. Considering how slow things were in The Beginning, that ain’t too bad for a one Dumbass operation. Nowadays, I average between 8000 and 10,000 page views per month.
  • I still make fun of anybody but my Mom, the Pope or Billy Graham.
  • I absolutely love doing this shit.

I think I’ll make this a “Mini Series” of sorts by listing some of my personal favorite stories and the stories that you, the Dumbass Horde, have endured. made the most popular during the last couple of years. So, over the next two or three days, I shall regale you with some Dumbass Blasts from the Past. If you have a favorite, drop me a note in the comments or send me an email to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com and I’ll include it on the “Greatest Dumbass Hits” play list.

It’s ready made subject matter, what do you expect from a Fearless Leader?

Gratitude

I wish I could personally thank the tens of thousands of you who have visited Dumbass News over the past two years but that means I’d have to shake your hands and God knows where those hands have been.

Dumbasses.

Happy Birthday to the Fearless Leader’s Mother in Law!

I wrote this post a couple of years ago and I rerun it about once a year at this time of year. Why? Because today is my Monster Mother in Law’s birthday. For her and those who love her, and I ain’t one of ’em, it’s a day of celebration and joy. For me? Not so much. I guess I could look on the positive side of things and say to myself, “Fearless Leader, at least the old bat is one day closer to being on the other side of the dirt”, but there’s just no cheering me up on a day like today.

What Should Be a Happy Day, Ain’t

A couple of days ago I wrote about impending doom a much overdue visit from my Mother-in-Law. As it turns out, there is a God!!!!, she had to postpone her trip by the Grace of The Almighty  due to car trouble. This turn of events caused  me to do cartwheels my wife great sadness and despair. I thought I was safe from all that is evil and wrong with the world. I.Was.Wrong. My weekend of sloth and gluttony has turned into The Weekend From Hell. I know you married guys are wondering, “How could a nice weekend of sloth and gluttony turn into a weekend from hell, when your Mother-in-Law is 200 miles away having car trouble and can’t come to torture and degrade you visit?” Let me ‘splain.

It Gets Worse

Although I’m happier than a stoned fat kid at a McDonald’s all you can eat buffet saddened my M-I-L can’t make it, a fate worse than paying alimony to an ex-wife that married a plastic surgeon has befallen me. I.Have.To.Go.Back.To.School.Shopping.! But wait! There’s more! I am (or should be) committed… to attend a baby shower! Don’t get me wrong, as a father of four (ages 3-31, God help me), I love kids, I really do (especially with a little salt and mustard….rimshot). But, less than a month before my 54th birthday, I thought my days of going to baby showers were over! At least until my own daughters had babies. But my wife threatened me with unspeakable acts of violence asked me nicely to go, so I said OK.

Upon further review, I never thought I’d miss my Mother-in-Law, but I do.

The Truth

I really love my Mom in Law. She’s a great lady and I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for her. She’s a keeper.

Today is Teena’s birthday and this is my own “special” way of telling her Happy Birthday, you old bitty. I just made the “old bitty” part up. Have a great day Teena….even if it means you are one day closer to the other side of the dirt.

Ma.

Dumbass.

NYC Dept of Education Bans Words at Schools; Ban the NYC-DOE Instead!

STFU!

New York City. The Big Apple. The Greatest City in the World. Give us your poor, your tired, your dumbasses.

NYC was once the greatest city on Earth. Now a days it’s turning into San Francisco East, without all the homo stuff being their main “attraction”. By that I mean that New York City is turning into a nanny state faster than you can say I love New York. For example…salt on fast foods. Banned. Trans fats. Banned. Rush Limbaugh and his millions? Now in sunny South Florida. Glenn Beck and his broadcasting empire? Gawn to Big D. Is it the water? No. But it could be the schools.

What the Problem Here?

The NYC school department has notified firms that produce testing materials for New York schools to not use certain words and phrases in tests. Are we talking about words like “fuck”? No. “Bitch” or “ho”? Uh uh. Then what exactly are the offending words or phrases banned from these exams? Put some kind of padding on your desk to cushion the blow to your chin when it smacks against your desk top. Like we say in Texas, “You ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Village of the Banned

Like lepers cast away into the furthest reaches of the land, the following lingo has been exiled into the Funk and Wagnalls Wasteland of Words.

Here’s a partial list from theblaze.com:

  • Dinosaur – apparently people who don’t believe in evolution might be offended
  • Halloween – rumored to support Paganism and that bothers some
  • Birthday – Jehovah‘s Witnesses don’t celebrate birthdays, so nobody else should know about it… right?
  • Dancing – unless it is ballet dancing
  • Computers – if mentioned as being in homes… use in schools and libraries is ok

More from The Blaze: “Topics like divorce and disease are to be avoided, because a student taking a test could be the child of a split marriage or might have a sick relative. Mentions of wealthy people could create jealousy. Poverty is also off limits, as poor or non-wealthy kids could be offended.”

Here’s a video from abc7 in New York that goes into a bit more detail.


Oh, Boy! It’s My Turn!

I am gonna go down the list above and put in my Dumbass Opinion. This is gonna be fun!

Dinosaur – So it tweaks those who don’t believe in evolution? Who. Gives. A. Shit? Not me. You don’t have to believe in evolution to understand that the Earth is not only 5 or 6000 years old. Hell, Phyllis Diller is that old! Then again, the idiots that this word offends are probably Jehovah’s Witnesses anyway. And who cares what those turds believe in? Oh, wait! These are the same dip sticks that don’t believe in birthdays either! If they don’t count birthdays, then how in God’s name could they understand the concept of “millions” of years? Oh, yeah, they can’t. Screw ’em. They don’t count.
My Verdict: Dinosaur and birthday stay in the tests and the Jehovah’s Witnesses get banned to New Jersey.

Halloween Paganism? Yes, Halloween was once a Pagan holiday of some sort. That’s a fact. I ain’t gonna go into the history of Halloween, but you are welcomed to do so at Wikipedia. Besides, the broads not wearing masks on Halloween are prolly too ugly to nail anyway.
My Verdict: The Catholic Church says Halloween is OK. If the Pope says it’s cool, it’s cool. I gotta go with him on this one. So put masks on the ugly bitches get loaded and give ’em a good treat for Halloween. IYKWIMAITYD. Same for guys, too. I ain’t a sexist.

Dancing – Ballet? Are you kiddin’ me? That stuff is Homo City. Very cool stuff, but girly. Let the kids do some headbangin’. They’re kids for cryin’ out loud. BTW, the reason mayor Bloomberg doesn’t make whoppie standing up is because someone might think he’s dancing. I’m just sayin’.
My Verdict: Bloomberg and the people who run this testing program for NYC schools need to get laid. Just not standing up.

Computers – Whoever came up with this one should have his hard drive cut off with a rusty DVD.
My Verdict: I’ll offer a reward of 23 cents for video proof of a “de-hard driving”.

NYC – The Big Dumbass

I am not labeling the people of New York City as dumbasses, just the fucking asswipes who came up with all this politically correct bull shit. These nincompoops have no business potty training a kid, much less teaching them the 3 Rs. Fire ’em all. Every. Damn. One. Of. Them. Bring in some Honest-to-God “teachers” and administartors that have the best interests of the children they are teaching first. And fuck the NEA or whatever piece of doo doo union these “teachers” are a part of. But that’s another story for another day.

One more thing…there are over FOUR DOZEN words on the Not On NYC-DOE Tests List.

And here’s a single word that says it all to the New York City Department of Education. It’s Number 1 on my list.

Dumbasses.

A Dumbass Wife’s Birthday!

Heather in 64 Years

First of all, let me apologize to you for the late post. I have been doing stuff that this time of year. You know what I mean, I started drinking again. Heavily. Thanks to my Dumbass Wife. Here’s the down low.

The Down Low

As I said, I accompanied my wife shopping today. All. Day. Long. The women reading this will say, “You deserve it, you son of a motherless goat”. And that’s one of the nicer things they say. The men are thinking, “You poor sumbitch, you should have stayed single.” Then they drink heavily thinking of the day that they too will be in my position….married. With young children (4 & 9; both girls). And like me, 55 years old. Now who’s the poor sumbitch boys? You have all this to look forward too. Poor sumbitches. bwahahaha!

The Real Reason for This Post


Today is my wife’s birthday. She is 36 years old, 19 years younger than me. Even though I’m so much older than she is, she’s too old for me. I’d rather have two eighteen year old Swedish Bikini Team Members as “wives”. Preferably lesbians. After all, 18 + 18= 36. And the lesbian part is a YouTube sensation waiting to happen. So the shit works out right.

On the real side though, my wife is a good woman, a great wife and Mother, outstanding cook and she’s the shiznit in the sack. But I just can’t get over that Swedish Bikini Team thing up there ^^^^^. But, I digress. In spite of all these outstanding qualities my wife, Heather, possesses, God bless her, she ain’t the biggest catfish on the trot line, IYKWIMAITYD. (Yankees and Californians may want to Google the term “trot line”. No, it’s not pornographic you fucking asswipes.)

Here’s an example of how, shall we say, slow my wife is. No, let’s not say “slow”, let’s say “dumbass”. One time I told her that I wanted to watch Monday Night Football. She asked me what night it was on! See? Then there was the time several years ago that I needed to get hammered. She brought me a ball peen jobby. Even though Heather is a dumbass, she has put up with me for the last seven years, which further proves my point! If the poor woman had dynamite for brains, she couldn’t blow her nose. Capice?

On the Real Side

I love Heather very much. She’s stood by me when I thought even God had had enough of me. And believe you me, that’s quite a job right there. She has given me two beautiful, smart, healthy little girls. She has, over the last seven years has filled a void in my life and a hole in my heart that I never expected to be filled. She has loved me when I didn’t come close to deserving it more times than I can count. In spite of the fact that I am 2000 miles from my beloved Texas, Maine is now my home and I’ll probably spend the rest of my life here. And I shall do so without reservation. The reason for that is simple. Her name is Heather. Without her I wouldn’t be the Dumbass I am today. I love you Heather. Happy birthday.

Dumbass. 🙂