Category: Bitch

To Dumbass Thief in York, PA: Lurn Two Spel, Bicth!

Yesterday’s Dumbass News featured a Dumbass who couldn’t or wouldn’t read the labels on the sewage and/or fuel tanks of an RV and wound up with a mouth full of shit instead of gasoline. Today we’ll shine the Spotlight of Dumbassery on an idjit who can’t spell.

But First… 

I am a firm believer in the “if you’re gonna do it, do it to the best of your ability”, or iygdidittboya, school of thought.

It’s simple, really. If you are gonna build something, build the best one you can. If you are gonna paint something, paint it like you never painted before. That last one didn’t come out the way I wanted it to but you catch my drift. Give any given task 100% and you should have no regrets about possibly having tried harder or done it better.

This is especially true if you are a criminal.

Let me splain.

Spell Check Your Work

Let me give you an example of what I mean by spell check your work. See the nice jihadi in the photo? His message would have been much more effective if he’d only spelled “Jews” right. Instead he looks like even more of a camel-fucking pig than he already is. Killing “juice” is not high on the “Death to the Jews” agenda supported by this dooshbag and his cronies, I’m sure. But slaughtering those of the Hebrew faith is. If only he’d consulted a real Jew on how to spell “Jews” correctly, he’d simply look like a pissed off rag head instead of a complete pile of steaming aardvark shit.

Today’s Dumbass could use the same spell check rule of thumb as ole Abdul there.

You See…

Our Dumbass of the Day decided it would be a great time to steal a motorcycle and vandalize someone else’s property, so he did.

But before leaving the scene of the crime with the stolen motorcycle, our Dumbass decided to add insult to injury by painting some graffiti on the victim’s SUV. He scrawled the word “bicth” on the driver’s side door. This is where Spell Check would have come in handy.

Why is it that when criminals try to be clever, their efforts end in such epic fail? Because they are Dumbasses, that’s why! Who else but an honest to God Dumbass is capable of such idiocy? As if what he is doing isn’t vile and stoopid enough, he has to throw in the graffiti like that’s gonna make things worse?

The kicker is that he (the thief) has beclowned himself so bad by misspelling one simple word that when he gets caught, he’s gonna be the most popular guy in the county jail, iykwimaityd. Yes, fellow Dumbasses, prison “bicth”hood is just around the corner for this guy. And I bet he’ll squeal like a “bicth” too when Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams lays the “bicth” meat to his scrawny no-spellin’ ass.

Stoopid son of a “bicth”. And…

…Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Dumbass Matthew Vaughn in Rockwall, Texas***

Dead Killer Becomes Lunch for Live Bear

Karma. Is. A. Bitch.

What goes around comes around has never proven to be more true than the example of which you are about to learn. Well, perhaps it could have been a bit more poetic, but not too damn much more.

“Did Someone Say Lunch?”

Bear with me, Dumbasses. 

Rory Wagner – Murderer

Rory Wagner was a convicted murderer. He was found guilty, along with two other guys, of murder in the 1994 killing of a man whom Wagner and the two accomplices believed sexually assaulted a member of Wagner’s family. To be fair, Wags served out his sentence, thus satisfying his debt to Society, but this story still reeks of Justice delayed.

Waggy Poo lived in an “approved facility” in Kamloops, British Columbia after he was released from The Big House and was on Life Parole. He was also gainfully employed.

He is now gainfully deceased. Dead. As. A. Door. Nail.

The cause of Wagner’s death remains a bit of a mystery, but his remains are no longer a mystery.

Confused?

Read on to be edified.

Edification

Wagner had some cheap ass job some place and one day he told his employers that he wouldn’t be at work for a few days. “A few days” turned out to be “never”. You see, Wags took a little drive into the woods near Kamloops and died. Right there in his car. Nobody is sure why and how he keeled over as autopsy findings are still ongoing.

When he failed to show up at home after his trek into the forest, authorities were notified and an arrest warrant was issued for Rory Wagner. Of course, with him being dead and all, cops didn’t know where to turn. That is until some hunters found Wagner’s remains. But the hunters were not the first to spot Wags’ body. A black bear beat them to it.

The bear had dragged the body to his (the bear’s) supper table. Ate the corpse for din din. Mind you, I am not reveling in Mr. Wagner’s demise, I am, however, laughing like a sonuvabitch at the irony of the situation. Think about it. It’s not every day that a convicted killer meets with such an unceremonious departure from this Veil of Tears. Well, maybe it happens a lot in British Columbia, but not so much here in Maine. If a dead murderer is found in the woods here, he’s found in the bear’s shit, not the bear’s belly. Mainers hide dead murderers real good. Ya feel me?

Adios, Senor Oso 

That’s a little Meskin lingo there that means “Goodbye, Mr. Bear”. The Wildlife Guys in B.C. identified a specific bear as the one who had consumed the leftovers of Rory Wagner and euthanized it. “Euthanized” is of course a euphemism for “blew his shit away”. The Canuckistani Wildlife Guys did some tests and determined that this bear was indeed the one that had eaten Waggy Poo.

So now we have a dead killer, at least part of a dead killer and a dead bear who ate the dead killer. What to do?

I say they feed the dead bear who ate the dead killer to live killers who in turn can be released into the woods surrounding Kamloops. British Columbia, die mysteriously and become dead killers who then become bear food, thus creating a perfect circle of a food chain.

Damn! I am a fucking genius!

You got a better idea?

Dumbass.

Groom’s Stepmom Sends Bride-to-Be Nasty Email About Bride-to-Be!

The Supposed to be Happy Couple****

The scenario: your kid is a bout to get married to someone you don’t care about. You’re thinking, “This is the worst thing that my kid could possibly do. Marrying this lowlife son of a motherless goat is doomed to failure of the worst kind. She’ll probably end up as a coke-addicted stripper/hooker. What am I to do?” What would you do?

There are several ways to deal with this kind of thing and one them is to be a total asshole. That’s exactly how one lady handled it when she found out her stepson was going to marry a girl the the stepmpm was less than fond of. What did Stepmom do? She wrote the bride-to-be an email. A, shall we say, very rude email.

The Email

It just so happens that by employing my Super Google Fu, Dumbass News has obtain a copy of said email. OK. We actually found it on Yahoo News. You ain’t gonna believe this shit.

Here’s a copy of the email, unedited, from Yahoo News:

from: Carolyn Bourne
to: heidi withers
subject: your lack of manners

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

When you are a guest in another’s house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat – unless you are positively allergic to something.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

You do not start before everyone else.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early – you fall in line with house norms.

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters’ marriages.)

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.

My Reply


First, let me state that Stepmom is from England. From this fact alone, we can establish that she’s a snooty bitch. So that’s a point against her right there.

Second, let state that she is the groom-to-be’s Stepmother, which in my view disqualifies her from making any public judgement about anyone in the wedding party to begin with.

Third, where is Dear Old Dad in this fiasco? Oh, yeah, he’s married to a Snooty British bitch, so he’s a pussy anyway. Have fun at the wedding, Dad.

Fourth, I would like to attend the wedding just to see what actually happens. Will there be a throwdown of epic proportions worthy of WWE recognition? Will the bride stuff the bridal bouquet up the stepmpm’s vaginal area instead of throwing it as tradition dictates? Will the groom tell the Dad to bend over and take it like a man like he’s been doing since he married the Snooty British Bitch? The possibilities are endless!

To the Snooty British Bitch

Personally, I issue an open invitation for the Snooty British Bitch to find a very large swamp donkey “truffle”  and suck it. You have no damn business writing such a vile screed to the bride to be. You, Snooty British Bitch are the one with the lack of manners here. The groom-to-be is not even your kid! He has a mother with whom I’m sure he has spoken. If the young man is old enough to get married, then he’s damn sure old enough to make mistake by marrying this young woman. If things are that bad with the bride-to-be, then it will all come out soon and divorce court will follow thereafter.

Just because you are a Snooty British Bitch I’d like to invite you to Maine where I can film you having a “crumpet” of great size stuff so far up your ass that it would take a Roto Rooter man to remove it. It would become a viral smash.

So, fuck you, Snooty British Bitch. England is that way ————–>

Dumbass.

****Photo from Yahoo News****

Cursing Doll is a Bad Christmas Gift Idea

Dumbass Christmas Gift

We are barreling towards Christmas Day like Rosie O’Donnell rolling down a mountain side, so as your humble Dumbass Public Servant, I am here to day to publicly serve you. As long as my wife doesn’t find out. I feel obligated to bring you the latest information on the dumbass toys that could find their way into your home this Yuletide Season. I have lived a pretty good life and have been lucky enough, or cursed by Satan, depending on your point of view, to have spent many Christmases around kids. From those experiences I have gleaned knowledge about children’s gifts that the average person only wishes he had. For example, I have expertly deduced that getting a Tonka Toy dump truck for a young lad is a great thing. Giving the little turd tyke Spiderman underwear, on the other hand, is a dumbass idea from hell. How do you expect a little boy to rollick around in a good dirt pile and dig holes in it with Spiderman drawers? Trust me on this one. Dumbass.

Now for the Girls

Girls are pretty easy to buy for when they are young like my two daughters, who are 4 and 9. Barbie dolls, fake make up that ain’t so fake when it ends up on the walls or carpet of your house and anything else that is girly.

There is an exception to this rule for girls, however. It is a doll with a name so long I ain’t gonna type it out so I’ll just call it The Doll. This particular doll can be found at a very well-known toy store whose name I won’t print either, but it rhymes with ‘Roy Tars Russ”, IYKWIMAITYD. On the outside The Doll, a talking doll, looks just like any of the four million other dolls on the market, it’s what’s on the inside that separates this doll from all others. Pulling the string to make The Doll talk provides quite a surprise. Instead of saying cutesie things like “I love you Mommy” and “Daddy Sucks”, The Doll says “You crazy bitch”. Dumbasses would say, “what’s the big deal?”. Daddy says that to Mommy all the time. Especially when he drinks the stuff out of the bottle with the black and white label with a “7” on it. Non-dumbasses would be horrified to hear such language coming from a little girl’s toy. However, Daddy calling Mommy a crazy bitch is quite the norm in non-dumbass families too!!. Why? Because so many non-dumbass  women are crazy bitches, that’s why! But, I digress.

The simple way to handle this problem is to not buy the damn doll! How fucking hard to figure out can that be? At least the stoopid toy doesn’t invite the kid to cut off Daddy’s gazebos while he’s sleeping, as is the wont of non-dumbass crazy bitches everywhere. Now if it said ‘You crazy fucking bitch”, these dolls would fly off the shelf like there was no tomorrow. Why, there would be lines of dumbasses and non-dumbasses alike stretching from New York to LA waiting to get there hands on this potty mouthed marionette. Can you spell “collectible”? I’m just sayin’.

My Conclusion 

So, lighten up, Francis and find something else to buy the little girls in your life. Like a Malibu Ho Barbie. See? There are alternatives to those nasty mouthed crazy bitch dolls some people try to push on our children. At the very least, doll makers could come up with a doll that mimics real life and real life situations. Make the dolls say something like, “Take Daddy a beer and cook his dinner, you moron!” or “Your ass is so big you’re gonna need to get a Zip Code for it”. See what I mean? Just normal, everyday phrases found in homes all around this country. What good is a doll that teaches our little girls nothing but naughty words instead of phrases of wisdom that come straight from common sense? I just don’t get it…..but I’m sure some of you crazy bitches do. 🙂

Dumbasses.