Today’s story involves lost jewelry. Very expensive lost jewelry.
That’s one thing I have never understood. Why people wear expensive baubles and beadfs aroung like most other people wear watches or wedding rings. Are they showing off? Maybe. Are the just doing what they think is OK? Probably. Could it be that they are just plain old Dumbasses? Most likely.
|Not a White Little Old Lady|
Not a White Little Old Lady
The worst offenders in this type of “Look at me!” Dumbassey are rappers and athletes. Even the White Guys. I have seen White Guys wearing chains big enough to use on a Harley. The Black Guys, though, bring bling beyond blinding to blistering., like looking directly at the Sun through a telescope without the proper Solar filters. That’s some bright shit, bro!
The Other Worst Offenders
It may comes a surprise to you, but the absolute worst bling-wearing boneheads are White Little Old Ladies. Just like the bruthahs who accessorize like Mr. T, I have nothing against White Little Old Ladies. My Mother is a White Little Old Lady for criiminy’s sakes. I do, however, have a problem with someone wearing 100 pounds of bling on a 94 pound body. White Little Old Ladies….it’s very unbecoming.
I realize that some pieces of jewelry are family heirlooms and gifts from dearly departed loved ones, but putting them on display when you do everyday things like go to the Piggly Wiggly (for you Yoopers, that’s a supermarket chain in the South… and I don’t mean South Dee-troit either) to pick up some Spam and Egg Beaters.
To my way of thinking, wearing a shit load of gold and diamonds is like having a neon sign above your head flashing “Beat Me Up and Rob Me of My Bling!” Now, atletes and rappers can probably defend themselves with little or no difficulty, especially if they are packing a rod. (Again, for you Yoopers, that means “carrying a gun”). BANG! Dead Bad Guy. I am very fond of Dead Bad Guys. But, I digress.
Bling Can Be Lost, Too
In addition to being beaten the hell out of, mugged and maimed, losing your bling is also a very good possibility. And if you are sporting a ton of the shiny objects, how would you know if you lost one? Do you keep with you an inventory on the jewels you wear each day? Where? On your iPhone? that won’t do you any good, because the same Soon to Be Dead Bad Guy that ripped off your jewelry will also steal your iPhone. In other words, you are fucked.
Dammit, I digressed again.
Ask a lady in (Adolph Coors Company) Golden, Colorado about accidentally losing precious personal jewelry. She recently lost ten large (I have already given the Yoopers lessons on “large”) worth of jewels when she flushed them down the toilet!
From 9News (Colorado’s News Leader!): “Wilkerson said she took her rings off at a water park so she wouldn’t lose them. She rolled them in Kleenex and put them in her bag.
“Well, during the day I had blown my nose, and I had thrown more Kleenexes in there, so when I got home I just grabbed the Kleenexes, threw them down the toilet,” she said.
She went to bed and woke up in a panic.
“And I started screaming, ‘Oh, my gosh! I flushed my rings down the toilet,'” she said.”
In scientific terms, this is called “self-inflicted Dumbassery”. Mrs. W had to know she was headed to the water park, so why would she wear all the valuables there any way? She’s a White Little Old Lady! That’s why!
There is a nice ending to the story, thankfully, as some Sewer Guys (no word on whether they were wearing bling or not) found Mrs. W’s valuable bling and returned it to her.
Let this be a lesson to not only Mrs. W, but to all White Little Old Ladies across the country.
|Bad Guy Repellant – 3 Nifty Sizes|
The lesson: If you are gonna wear a bunch of expensive shit to do every day make sure it is secure on your person. And pack heat. Major heat. Glock 9mm will do nicely.
|Santa and His Special “Elf”|
The Countdown has begun. No, dumbass, not The Countdown to the Super Bowl. The Countdown to the visit by a fat guy in a red suit driving a Corvette pulled by 400 horses. I made that part up. About the Corvette that is. Actually, the Fat Guy in the Red Suit has a pretty cool ride – a low rider sleigh with neon lights all around the the “edges” of it. Red and green of course. Gotta stay in the spirit of the season. The sleigh is also decorated with chrome “rails”, its tires, if you will. Hidden behind the pink and purple (not so Christmas-y but The Fat Guy in the Red Suit is a big Elvis fan. Go figger) tuck and roll bench seat that The Fat Guy in the Red Suit sits on, (not so Christmas-y but The Fat Guy in the Red Suit is a big Elvis fan. Go figger) lays a 12 inch tube bass that thumps out rap versions of Christmas carols – except for Silent Night , because it mentions a virgin. Rap guys have never seen a virgin so they have no idea what it means. Yo yo, dumbasses, my niggas. <—--their word, not mine) The eight tiny reindeer are dressed up like pimps from a 70s “blacksploitation” movies, like Blackula. Even Rudolph is gettin’ in on the act. He now has some bling in that red nose of his – a diamond about the size of Suge Knight.
Christmas sure has changed since that day 2000 years ago. No longer do many of us not even think of the birth of the baby that would offer mankind Salvation and Eternal Life. It’s all about the bling. You know what I mean…the latest doll that pisses herself like a real baby for your 6 year old daughter. Or the video game for your 10 year old son. The game that shows human vermin killing cops and soldiers. That kind of bling. And I, for one, am sick and damn tired of it. All you wastes of skin can celebrate it however you see fit. That’s your right – a right that you’ll bitch about somebody “infringing” upon, but you’ll curse and spit upon the soldiers who protect that right for you. You ungrateful, saggy pants wearin’, crack smokin’, drug dealin’, ho sellin’, gang bangin’ bunch of pussies. Fuck you! Why don’t you take a little time this Christmas and read a few pages of a book? The Bible is a good place to start. Oh, that’s right, you can’t read because being a banger was more important than school and you quit in 9th grade. You were lucky to make it that far, but your teachers promoted you because they saw what a hopeless piece of shit you are and they wanted to pass you on to the next poor bastard who was gonna “teach”. I bet a dollar to a donut that your Mother knows the book well. Sit down and let her read it to you. It just might, just might mind you, plant a seed in your mind that what your doing with your life is the waste of a potentially good soul. One more thing…it might be the thing that’s makes your Mama proud of you again. Think about it. Life can’t get any more repugnant than the “existence” that you live now.
***Photo Courtesy of Freaking News.com***