Parking bans. We get a lot of those up here in the Top Right Hand Corner of the Country, mostly in the winter. If we are expecting or have experienced enough snow to justify putting the city Snow Plow Guys to work, there will be an overnight parking ban lasting until about 7 or 8 o’clock the next morning, generally speaking. Those who ignore these parking bans will wake up to find their car towed to the nearest impound lot, or if the Snow Plow Guy didn’t get “some” the night before, he may just plow your automobile along with the freshly fallen snow. Either way, when the city says “parking ban”, they mean “parking ban”.
That’s just a part of life here in New England. That and hoping that the Snow Plow Guy got “some” before the blizzard hit. I’m just sayin’.
NY Neighborhood Wants a Parking Ban
There’s a New York City neighborhood along West 30th Street between 7th and 8th Avenues in Midtown in which residents of the area are begging for a parking ban. Not because of snow and plowing, however. The situation involves “gettin’ some”, but sadly not for the NYC Snow Plow Guy. The ones “gettin’ some” are patrons of two neighborhood night clubs.
You see, on the weekends, people are going to these gin joints looking to get drunk and laid. No biggie, right? Wrong. They are getting intoxicated and porked but that’s not the problem. The problem lies in the fact that these inebriated Dumbasses are getting laid in the back seats of their cars. Which are parked up and down the streets of the neighborhood!
I can see where the residents of this Midtown ‘hood might take exception with such activity. Not that people are humping each other like rabbits on aphrodisiacs, but the fact that these drunk asswipes are turning the area into a peep show for the locals. And the locals do not all this public fornication going on right in the streets where they live. If the people who live here want to see unbridled Mad Monkey Sex up close, they’ll do what any other red blooded New Yorker would do – spy on their neighbors as they make whoopie. These folks have scruples ya know.
My understanding is that type of behavior takes place on the weekends, so knowing when to confront the problem is already known. The challenge is to come up with something that will discourage Drunk Hineys Bobbing Up and Down in Back Seats as it happens. To me, this is a lemon – lemonade kind of thing. I choose to make lemonade.
Take notes, I am gonna go through this one time and one time only.
It’s simple, really. On weekend nights when the drunks are screwing in front of God and everybody, I suggest to the residents of the area that you make it as uncomfortable as possible for the Dumbass Fuckers to do what they do. This objective can be met in a number of ways.
Way No. 1 – If the Back Seat Boinkers have no problem having sex in public, make it very public!
Draw a crowd. A noisy crowd. With video cams. And YouTube accounts. I could be wrong, but I am of the mind that if any of these idiots were to know that they would be seen playing “Back Seat Bingo” on the internet, then one of two things would happen.
- First Thing: The offending couple would be embarrassed as hell knowing that their little foray into curbside porn would be seen by people all over the world. In this case, the thrill of thinking that you are the Ron Jeremy of Parallel Parking <snicker> would be gone faster than you could say “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. Spielberg.”
- Second Thing: Nothing will make Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm lose his “enthusiasm” like being observed by people, strangers no less, who will critique his every move like Michael Moore scrutinizes Twinkies. Very. Closely. With great attention to detail.
Of course, there are many other suitable methods that would be effective in putting a stop to bullshit like this, but I am merely trying to get the ball rolling here. Screw (pun intended) the parking ban, take some fucking action, people! You are New Yorkers, not Cal-ee-forn-yans! Show some of that infamous NYC Intestinal Fortitude! Grow a damn pair! You’ve got to take matters into your own hands! (another intended pun) Do you honestly think Mayor BloomingIdiot gives a damn about this stuff? Hell no! Instead of parking bans, he’s too fucking busy issuing trans fat bans. No self-respecting New Yorker would never depend on some one else, especially your current Head Honcho, to solve his problem. If you are waitin’ on City Hall to do something, then you are closer to being Cal-ee-forn-ya than you realize.
As for the dickweeds doing the dirty deed on neighborhood streets: Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
Marriage is a Sacrament that bonds a man and a woman together forever, in body and in spirit, a union that is Holy as ordained by God. Getting to the alter sometimes proves, shall we say, to be problematic. Especially if the dumbass groom has a bachelor party and he bumps uglies with a woman he met there. It’s even worse when the bride-to-be finds out about the groom-to-be’s “indiscretion”. And to make matters even worse, if that’s possible at this point, the jilted woman is an attorney. Complicating things even more is the fact that the dumbass groom-to-be is a lawyer, too!
The Mrs. Dumbass-to-be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn’t keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the dumbass groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, “The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid’s dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora.” What the hell was this dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride. And that ain’t good. Especially when she’s a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad’s head. Dumbass.
I have absolutely no sympathy for the dumbass groom. He’s an idjit. Dude, if you’re gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she’s a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants! The penis, and $63,000 you save may be your own. Dumbass.