Category: Bomb Threat

Nobody Does Love Like a Dumbass

I was goofing off doing my usual due diligence, feverishly searching the internet for a suitable topic for today’s story until I finally found what I thought would be entertaining. By “feverishly searching”, I mean “seeing what I could rip off from HuffPo”. And of course by “entertaining” I mean  “stoopid as hell”.

I succeeded on both counts. I ripped something off from HuffPo and it’s dumb as a box of Liberals.

Today’s stories involve affairs of the heart – that intangible, wonderful and oft-frustrating thing we call amore.

Shot Through the Heart

Love. It’s a helluva deal.

Being in love is hard work. Not unlike a job. The time, commitment, dedication and sacrifices one makes for the sake of love require a lot effort and discipline. Some folks are good at love, some ain’t. On Dumbass News, we could give a shit about people who have found a soul mate. We want the kind of Dumbasses whose love life is a train wreck. Screw happiness. We want misery.

Baby, You’re the Bomb….Threat 

Christopher Shell was on a plane headed for Dallas when all the sudden the flight was ordered back to its point of origin. The jet taxied its way to that little tunnel thing that goes from the airport terminal to theplane so the passengers can get aboard the aircraft.

This is where the SWAT Team comes in. And guess for whom they are looking? Yup, our man Chris.

It seems that Shell’s ex-girlfriend has called authorities to notify them that Chris Shell was carrying liquid explosives on the plane! Chris was SWATed, cleared of the charges and was allowed to continue on to Big D.

The call from Chris’ ex was a hoax! She and her new boyfriend were taken into custody soon after the incident on the plane.

Would You Buy a Used Car from This Woman?

When British shock jock Tim Shaw speculated on-air that he would leave his family for pin-up girl Jodie Marsh, he didn’t suspect that his wife Hayley was listening. Mrs. Shaw sought revenge in the form of an auction for his $45,000 Lotus Esprit Turbo sports car via eBay, as its registration was in her name. Not only did she sell it in 5 minutes, she let the luxury vehicle go for a mere 50 pence (90 cents). (from yourtango.com

Hell hath no fury…

Ahhhhh love. Ain’t it grand?

Dumbasses.

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Guacamole School, Fighting Avacados and Poor Fearless Leader

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The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Has the Flu Edition: well, Hell. It appears that The Crud® has caught up with your Fearless Leader. I have been dodging the bullet for about a month now, alas I can dodge no more. My wife and Issy have been bravely battling this Viral Menace for about four weeks and the poor chicks just can’t get over it. Therefore, it is with a heavy heart and unbridled sadness that I blame them for the fact that I am now infected! I’ll be putting them both on waivers later today to see if any stoopid bastard lucky man will claim them. I’ll keep ypu up to date.

In spite of the fact that I stand in an eye to eye, face to face with Death itsownself, I stand with the might of the Dumbass Horde behind me! If all that dumbassery doesn’t scare Death to the point of pissing his pants, then I am a DOOMED man. However, I know deep in my soul that the power of dumbassery can and will overcome any Evil that stands in its way. Except ex-wives. No power on Earth, short of The Almighty Himself can banish the Satanic evil that is an ex-wife.

With the Dumbass Horde behind me and the help of The Almighty leading the way I shall do my sworn at duty to keep dumbassery at the fore of world events. Remember, I snack on danger and dine on Death. And tacos. I like tacos a lot. Guacamole too. Avacados are The Official Fruit of the Dumbass Horde®. Until I replace it with another one. I am spontaneous that way.

Dumbass.

From October 31, 2011: Last Tuesday I posted the first “Guide to Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work”. I knew that I had covered only a few of millions of reasons to take a day off from your job. There’s one excuse that’ll blow you away when I reveal it to you. It’s also a felony. Let me splain.

There’s this private school in Denver named Escuela de Guadalupe, which is Meskin for “School of Guacamole”. The Gucamole School employs a physical education teacher whose handle is Jennifer Gomes, which is Meskin for “Jennifer Gomes”. Two weeks ago today, on October 17, Senorita Gomes decided that she wanted to take a day off of work and she came up with an utterly flawless idea, and by flawless I mean fucking stoopid, that would not only give her the much-deserved day off she wanted, but everybody (students, teachers, administrators, janitors) at the Guacamole School would get to stay home too! I know you’re thinking, “how could a simple PE teacher accomplish something of such a grand scale?” You dumbass, what else could she do but call in a bomb threat! I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. It is said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, well the Guacamole School PE teacher has firmly entrenched herself on the dumbass side of that line.

Imagine the joy and smiling young faces, not to mention the thunderous chorus of “Gracias, Senorita Gomes!”, from the Little Fighting Avacados (Fighting Avacado is the school mascot) when they found out that she alone was responsible for this unscheduled school holiday. On the other hand , the estudiantes will be throwing rancid tamales at the pendeja when they find out they’ll have to make up this day later in the school year.

At any rate, Ms. Gomes is now charged with a felony for making a bomb threat at a Guacamole School, which in this barrio in Denver is a right of passage. I can say this because I have been to many barrios in the Greater Denver Area and I can assure you that not a single one of them will appear on the cover of Better Homes and Garden or on a Top 10 Best Places in America to Live lists, so I am not at all out of el line-o here. Paraphrasing The Bard, “a dumbass by any other color would be as fucking stoopid”.

Besides, Senorita Gomes did it for the children – her little Fighting Avacados.

Dumbass.

Teacher Issues Bomb Threat for the Guacamole School!

The Fighting Avacados!

Last Tuesday I posted the first “Guide to Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work”. I knew that I had covered only a few of millions of reasons to take a day off from your job. There’s one excuse that’ll blow you away when I reveal it to you. It’s also a felony. Let me splain.

There’s this private school in Denver named Escuela de Guadalupe, which is Meskin for “School of Guacamole”. The Gucamole School employs a physical education teacher whose handle is Jennifer Gomes, which is Meskin for “Jennifer Gomes”. Two weeks ago today, on October 17, Senorita Gomes decided that she wanted to take a day off of work and she came up with an utterly flawless idea, and by flawless I mean fucking stoopid, that would not only give her the much-deserved day off she wanted, but everybody (students, teachers, administrators, janitors) at the Guacamole School would get to stay home too! I know you’re thinking, “how could a simple PE teacher accomplish something of such a grand scale?” You dumbass, what else could she do but call in a bomb threat! I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. It is said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, well the Guacamole School PE teacher has firmly entrenched herself on the dumbass side of that line.

Imagine the joy and smiling young faces, not to mention the thunderous chorus of “Gracias, Senorita Gomes!”, from the Little Fighting Avacados (Fighting Avacado is the school mascot) when they found out that she alone was responsible for this unscheduled school holiday. On the other hand , the estudiantes will be throwing rancid tamales at the pendeja when they find out they’ll have to make up this day later in the school year.

At any rate, Ms. Gomes is now charged with a felony for making a bomb threat at a Guacamole School, which in this barrio in Denver is a right of passage. I can say this because I have been to many barrios in the Greater Denver Area and I can assure you that not a single one of them will appear on the cover of Better Homes and Garden or on a Top 10 Best Places in America to Live lists, so I am not at all out of el line-o here. Paraphrasing The Bard, “a dumbass by any other color would be as fucking stoopid”.

Besides, Senorita Gomes did it for the children – her little Fighting Avacados.

Dumbass.

Dunkin Donuts In Connecticut Is the Target of a Dumbass Bomb Threat

Those whacky knuckleheads at Dunkin Donuts have made the news again. It’s nothing that Dunkin has done to bring all this attention to themselves, rather another Dunkin customer who who’s had one too many Coolattas. On the heels of a recent story about I wrote about a Dunkin employee selling her “eclair”  through the drive thru window, comes the news of another dumbass who has had one too many glazed donuts from the venerable donut chain. Let me splain.

Down in Connecticut (it’s down in Connecticut from where I sit anyway), a lady pulled into the drive thru, ordered a drink and handed the Dunkin employee a package and a note. The note said that the package was a bomb(!) and sped away. After taking a large poop in her pants, the clerk called the cops, who eventually discovered that there was no bomb in the package. The obvious question is “why would someone want to bomb a Dunkin Donuts store?”. I mean, the coffee from Dunkin tastes like strained pig shit, but is that a good excuse to threaten the poor people at the store with a bomb? Of course not. Maybe the would-be bomber is a disgruntled former employee and she was upset that Dunkin dismissed her for eating up the profits. Or maybe she’s a pissed off customer who has a caffeine problem. Or maybe she’s just a lunatic. I vote for lunatic. And dumbass. All lunatics are dumbasses.

I publish this column not as a dig at Dunkin Donuts, but as a public service to you, my dumbass readers. I urge you be vigilant when you patronize your neighborhood Dunkin Donuts. Be on the lookout for suspicious customers who look like he/she could be the next dumbass to be featured on this very blog. You know the type. They are the ones who offer you their “eclair” or hand you a package with a bomb threat note attached to it.

America runs on Dunkin indeed.

Dumbasses.