The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Has the Flu Edition: well, Hell. It appears that The Crud® has caught up with your Fearless Leader. I have been dodging the bullet for about a month now, alas I can dodge no more. My wife and Issy have been bravely battling this Viral Menace for about four weeks and the poor chicks just can’t get over it. Therefore, it is with a heavy heart and unbridled sadness that I blame them for the fact that I am now infected! I’ll be putting them both on waivers later today to see if any
stoopid bastard lucky man will claim them. I’ll keep ypu up to date.
In spite of the fact that I stand in an eye to eye, face to face with Death itsownself, I stand with the might of the Dumbass Horde behind me! If all that dumbassery doesn’t scare Death to the point of pissing his pants, then I am a DOOMED man. However, I know deep in my soul that the power of dumbassery can and will overcome any Evil that stands in its way. Except ex-wives. No power on Earth, short of The Almighty Himself can banish the Satanic evil that is an ex-wife.
With the Dumbass Horde behind me and the help of The Almighty leading the way I shall do my sworn at duty to keep dumbassery at the fore of world events. Remember, I snack on danger and dine on Death. And tacos. I like tacos a lot. Guacamole too. Avacados are The Official Fruit of the Dumbass Horde®. Until I replace it with another one. I am spontaneous that way.
From October 31, 2011: Last Tuesday I posted the first “Guide to Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work”. I knew that I had covered only a few of millions of reasons to take a day off from your job. There’s one excuse that’ll blow you away when I reveal it to you. It’s also a felony. Let me splain.
There’s this private school in Denver named Escuela de Guadalupe, which is Meskin for “School of Guacamole”. The Gucamole School employs a physical education teacher whose handle is Jennifer Gomes, which is Meskin for “Jennifer Gomes”. Two weeks ago today, on October 17, Senorita Gomes decided that she wanted to take a day off of work and she came up with an utterly flawless idea, and by flawless I mean fucking stoopid, that would not only give her the much-deserved day off she wanted, but everybody (students, teachers, administrators, janitors) at the Guacamole School would get to stay home too! I know you’re thinking, “how could a simple PE teacher accomplish something of such a grand scale?” You dumbass, what else could she do but call in a bomb threat! I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. It is said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, well the Guacamole School PE teacher has firmly entrenched herself on the dumbass side of that line.
Imagine the joy and smiling young faces, not to mention the thunderous chorus of “Gracias, Senorita Gomes!”, from the Little Fighting Avacados (Fighting Avacado is the school mascot) when they found out that she alone was responsible for this unscheduled school holiday. On the other hand , the estudiantes will be throwing rancid tamales at the pendeja when they find out they’ll have to make up this day later in the school year.
At any rate, Ms. Gomes is now charged with a felony for making a bomb threat at a Guacamole School, which in this barrio in Denver is a right of passage. I can say this because I have been to many barrios in the Greater Denver Area and I can assure you that not a single one of them will appear on the cover of Better Homes and Garden or on a Top 10 Best Places in America to Live lists, so I am not at all out of el line-o here. Paraphrasing The Bard, “a dumbass by any other color would be as fucking stoopid”.
Besides, Senorita Gomes did it for the children – her little Fighting Avacados.