Category: Boobs

Nekkid House Cleaning, Texas Style!

FiFi

Lubbock, Texas. The Hub City. Located in the Llano Estacado (Staked Plains) of West Texas, Lubbock ain’t a bad little city. It’s home to Texas Tech University and the Red Raiders. I have been to Lubbock on a few occasions but not in many years. I remember it as a very conservative place where you actually had to leave the city limits to buy a six pack of beer. that may still be true, but Lubbock is a bit less conservative these days than way back then.

Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock made it so.

Nekkid House Cleaning

The idea behind Fantasy Maid Service is for you to hire out a maid from them and she will come to your house to clean it up the way it should be cleaned up. This is a great idea for bachelors who are too busy chasing split tail deer at the bars near the Texas Tech Campus to do a proper house cleaning. especially if Mom & Dad are coming for a visit.

What (lifts and) separates Fantasy from other such business in Lubbock is that the girls from Fantasy will clean your home in various stages of undress right in front of the customer, if of course the client is over 18 years old.

Nekkid Maids Love the Cops & Military Guys! (and Girls, too…maybe)

At this point, I feel it is better for me to copy and paste some information directly and unedited from the Fantasy web site, but the site blocks me from doing so! bwahahahahahahaha

You’ve got to see this shit to believe it, so I’ll give you a quick summary of the pertinent information, then you can click on the link that will follow so you can verify that what I am telling you is 100% true!

The Fantasy strippers maids also work parties pouring drinks and serving “appetizers” to party guests. I’ll bet. They heartily recommend two maids to work your party. I would assume that a single maid would get worn out too quickly to provide satisfactory service all night long. Let me stress here that Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock goes out of their way to point out that they are not an adult oriented business. I agree. Who in the world could possibly see a business that provides scantily clad or nekkid young women to clean homes or waitress at parties as an adult oriented venture? Certainly not me. I am all for the public display of boobs of all sizes, shapes and colors at any given time. provided of course that the boobs on public display are at least 18 years of age.

The owners of Fantasy Maids are not just people who rent out nekkid bimbos for house cleaning and parties, they are also community supporters! Why, they even offer a discount to cops, fire fighters and military members and vets! God bless America!

That’s a thumbnail sketch of what Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock is all about, but it is only fair that I provide a link to their website and let you see first hand what the hookers girls are expected to and not to do and some other shit. Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock.

Hooter Showing is a Right!

I feel compelled to alert you king hearted Dumbasses to the fact that this has not been all peaches and cream for Fantasy Maid Service. The Lubbock Police Department, at the behest of the Lubbock County District Attorney I would presume, are demanding that Fantasy pony up for a license that designates it as an adult oriented bidness. The owners of the nekkid maid place say they ain’t buyin’ it because they ain’t an adult oriented bidness. The cops retort that no license means a $2000 a day fine for Fantasy Maids! Two. Large. A. Day. The poor employees of Fantasy would have to show a ton of boobage to make up for a two grand a day penalty.

I say to the owners and maids of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock : Fight back!

Tits for Tat

I have an idea that’ll turn this situation into a Public Relations nightmare for the prudes at City Hall and a financial windfall for Fantasy Maids!

Get all the maids at Fantasy and as many Texas Tech coeds and other young female owners of Sweater Puppies to go to the very steps of Lubbock City Hall and show them your knockers! If dozens of pairs of supple breasts are on prominent display right in Downtown Lubbock, imagine the media coverage to be had! imagine all the curious (and horny) young men of the Hub City that would show up in support (pun intended) of Fantasy Maid Service and demand that the City back off and harass some other local bidness persons! or minorities. Or wetbacks.

I would also urge that some enterprising Lubbobkidian get properly permitted by the powers that be in town and set up a refreshment stand! Hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries, burritos! Beer! Soda! make it a fucking party that the City of Lubbock will NEVER forget!

Be sure to take along your video cam and shoot as much footage as possible for posting on YouTube. As the brains behind this revolutionary concept, I get first shot at any and all video and/or photos taken at this event! 


You should alert  any and all media (TV, Radio, Newspapers,Blogs) well ahead of time in order to get maximum exposure! (pun intended again)

It’s Now in Your Hands, Lubbock!

I have given you a starting point in which to rally around the good titties people of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock and fight the dickweeds that want to suppress boobies everywhere. I fully expect that you will keep me up to date on how things go during the Tits for Tat Protest and Exravaganza. I can be reached at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com.

Do your part, Lubbock! Show the world that your Sweater Puppies will not be impounded!

Make the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde proud!

Long live tits!

And Dumbasses!

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Suffocated By Sweater Puppies

Boobs. Knockers. Hooters. Hammers. Tits. Sweater puppies. Whatever we choose to call them, female mammary glands are a mainstay topic here at Dumbass News.

From the lingerie saleslady that was fired from her job because her heat seekers were too big to the stoopid broad who used her breast implants to smuggle cocaine, we’ve had a grip boobs news like no other web site in the world for almost two and a half years.

Despite the wide range and sheer volume of stories about ta-tas on this blog, new boobies stories come to our attention every day, none odder than the one we’ll cover today.

Assault Hooters

Deadly in the Wrong Hands

A couple (of people, not knockers) got into a domestic disturbance. This little confrontation was “lively” enough that concerned neighbors called the Law.

At some point in the argument the female half of the dueling duo pinned her male counterpart down to the ground and laid on top of him. Somehow, the guy’s face became buried between the woman’s boobs. 99% of the time this would be an enviable position for a guy, or a lezbean, to be in. Such was not the case in this instance. I’m sure that right now there is at least one Dumbass in each of the 154 countries that read Dumbass News wondering, “Since when is it a bad thing for a man to have his mug firmly ensconced twixt a set of sweater puppies?” That’s a fair question and there’s a reasonable explanation for it. The dude couldn’t breathe which lead to a condition known as DEATH! Smothered into the hereafter by boobs!

This story brings to mind the Dumbass who was cheating on his wife and kicked the bucket in mid hump of a threesome. I don’t think I’m going too far out on a limb when I say that many of the male Dumbasses reading this post would be more than happy to keel over chin to chest with a woman and her hammers or in a Dumbass a trois. All I can say about that is that you are some sick, twisted fuckers. In other words, my kind of people.

It comes as no surprise that, like several Dumbasses reading this, the Lady With the Assault Boobs was drunk at the time of the incident. I don’t know if the guy was drunk or not as he was unavailable for comment because he is DEAD! 

The woman was arrested and is facing 2nd degree murder charges.

Oh, yeah one more thing…this whole ordeal took place in a trailer park.

Figgers.

Dumbasses.

Cyber Crime Solved by Online Pic of Boobs!

Have You Seen These Hooters?

Certain subject matter draws readers to this blog like a candy store brings in fat kids. If you were to go to the “Dumbass Search” feature located in the left side bar and typed in nekkid, tattoos or boobs, you would come up with the most popular posts this blog has put forth. I have written some outstanding articles dealing with other material, but nekkid, tattoos and boobs are hands down the favorite topics of the Dumbass Horde. I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. Hit up those three links and you’ll see exactly what kind of perverted Dumbasses I get reading my award-worthy filth. You can thank me later.

I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. So for today, boobs it is!

Positive I.D.

Usually when a crime is committed, the bad guy leaves behind some tell tale piece of evidence that leads directly to his identification. You know what I mean…a finger print for example. Some Dumbasses have even left behind their driver’s license at the scene of the dirty deed.

When a crime is committed in cyber space, stuff like an IP address will lead straight to the culprit. That is not always the case, however.

Allow me to elucidate. For those of you in Washington,DC, that means “let me splain”.

The Hacker

Down on the Sinkin’ Sandbar that is Galveston, Texas, is a Meskin Dumbass named Higinio Ochoa. Evidently, Higgy is pretty sharp when it comes to hacking into highly sensitive data bases like those of law enforcement agencies and he did just that to some cop shops Down Under. The Aussie Fuzz was not amused.

After much highly technical cyber sleuthing trying to locate the asswipe that compromised their not for public consumption data, the Australian authorities found their cyber way to an offshoot group of computer hackers affiliated with internet meanies “Anonymous”. this is where Ochoa come and a pair of knockers come in to play.

The Boobs Tell All

As much as I don’t like doing it, I must reproduce a goodly portion of the source article for this post that I found on c|net.com.

“Ochoa allegedly used a Twitter account to direct people to a Web site when all the law enforcement information he’d supposedly hacked was on display.
Also on display was a picture of a woman, her breasts lowering themselves tantalizingly toward the camera, with a sign beneath them reading: “”PwNd by w0rmer & CabinCr3w ❤ u BiTch’s”.
Now CabinCr3w is the apparent name of an Anonymous offshoot. And the “w0rmer” part? Well, the Twitter account linking people to the site was @AnonW0rmer.
However, the photograph of the breasts apparently linked authorities to Ochoa — because, taken with an iPhone, it contained GPS information. The information allegedly suggested she lived in Melbourne, Australia.
Further burrowing led the police to discover a posting on Ochoa’s Facebook page that allegedly revealed his girlfriend was Australian.
The claim is that police have managed to match pictures of her that Ochoa allegedly posted on Facebook to the breast image.”  

Amazing.

Astonished

I have heard of suspects being linked to crimes through DNA taken from cigarette butts, clues obtained from their curb side garbage and even tattoos. But I can say with 100% certainty, that, although I have seen several pair of nice, cuddly sweater puppies, I have never been able to identify a set of heat seeking missiles with nothing more than a cell phone camera photograph.

I am shocked and awed by the industriousness of the Australian cops in finding an exact match of the hooters in question on a small island in the Gulf of Mexico, a half world away. These guys are my new heroes.

I salute you.

As for Ochoa the Hacker, next time take a picture of your girlfriend’s pelvic area tattoo. If you’ve seen one muffin tattoo, you’ve seen ’em all. Unless the muffin is being chased down by the Wizards of Oz.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Lies That Will Save Your Nut Sack – Maybe

“Tell the Truth, Dumbass!”

Best of Dumbass News

Here’s an Old Saying that I just made up : “All liars are Dumbasses but not all Dumbasses are liars”. Pretty profound, huh? Yeah, I come up with a good one once in a while.

The preceding Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Words of Wisdom and Dumbassery© are mainly true for male Dumbasses when talking to female Dumbasses. Under certain circumstances, when presented with a choice of telling the truth or lying like a mangy flea-bitten dawg, a male Dumbass will lie through his teeth every. single. time.

In all fairness to male Dumbasses everywhere, sometimes a lie will save your life – not to mention your gazebos. As a Public Service to Prevaricating Dumbasses of the XY Chromosome Persuasion, I shall point out some instances where a teensy weensy fib is an infinitely better choice than telling the God’s honest truth.

It ‘s OK to Lie When…

Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Top Dumbass Material Contributor and You Tube Star,  found an article on ivillage.com about The Top 10 Lies Men Tell Women. I will list a few of them below, then give my take on the proper way to address the deal.

  • Does this dress make my ass look big? Fellas, this is a trick question. A woman asks you this because she really wants to know the truth. Except she really doesn’t. I told you it was a trick question. One the one hand, a lady honestly wants to know if a certain dress makes her ass look too big. She can’t, after all, go to a party, business dinner, etc. wearing a dress that makes her rear end look like the back side of a Mack truck. This is both embarrassing and unprofessional. Therein lies the dilemma for a male Dumbass. Let’s say the dress is too tight and you know it. You then politely say, “Honey, that dress fits you a little snugly”. The woman, wanting to hear the truth but not wanting to hear it all at the same time, hears you say, “Bitch, your ass is so wide I’d have to measure it using the length of axe handles”. 

Solution: Lie and lie convincingly. I mean real convincingly. A little white lie here can mean the difference in leading a life with happy gazebos or no gazebos at all. The gazebos win every time.

  • I Don’t Enjoy Going to Strip Clubs. Men, you have dug your own grave here with one foot in it and the other foot on a banana peel. The only way out is to know when to stop digging. And by “stop digging” I mean of course, “stop lying”. You are in a no-win situation at this point, guys. So just shut the fuck up. Here’s the deal: you have begun lying to a woman by lying before you ever get the chance to tell the real lie! Of course you like going to strip clubs! You are a man for Pete’s sake! Men are horn dawgs and going to a strip club is the closest to being a philandering bastard as you can get without actually being a philandering bastard! Unless, of course, you are already a low-life cheating scuz ball. 

Solution: Don’t lie to begin with. Women are not stoopid. They can see through a lie like this like Superman looks through brick walls. Or G-strings. Women know (they may not understand, but they know) that men are pigs. A man, when faced with the choice of settling down with one woman and the same poon every night for the next fifty years or cavorting about with nubile young women who look like Jessica Alba without clothes on and getting new poon every night of his life, will, believe it or not, always go home to someone they love before they go on a Stripper Hump-a-Thon. Even the horniest of marrried men need the comfort and reassurance that only a good woman at home can provide.

If you want to go to the Jiggle Joint with your buddies, simply tell your wife, “Baby, I’m going to the Pierced Nipple with Frank. We just want to check out some young, firm hooters. You know, the kind you used to have?”

Then call a divorce lawyer.

Dumbass.

Lady That Sells Lingerie Gets Fired for Having Big Boobs!

Replay of Dumbass News

If you have read Dumbass News for any period of time longer than about ten minutes, you know that I am against discrimination in any way, shape or form. Except when it’s necessary to the plot. Or against the Fwench. The Fwench deserve derision and scorn at every turn. But, I digress.

Discriminating against any person, except the Fwench of course, because of religion, race, national origin, creed, large hooters, etc. is a crime against humanity. Especially being discriminatory against a big rack.

Which brings us to today’s story.

The Bigguns in Question

Fired Because of Heat Seeking Missiles

Lauren Odes is a young woman from New Jersey who just happens to be shall we say, “well-endowed”. No, we shall not. We shall say that Lauren has very large knockers. It’s these females appendages that are the source of Ms. Odes’ problem.

Lauren was fired from her job because her heat seekers are too big. I know, this is the worst form of discrimination possible. Look at all the joy and comfort that titties have brought into the world since the time of Adam and Eve. Think about it. Babies had to have something to eat, right? Another example of boobs being of benefit to mankind, children specifically, is the story of the nice strippers who tried to help out a Los Angeles Little League Baseball team.

I guess I should now mention that Ms. Odes and her hammers worked for a sexy lingerie store! I thought the idea of sexy underwear for women was to show a female’s assets. Am I wrong?

Disturbing Questions

Question 1) What do the owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop “have against massive breastses?

Question 2) Note that is an important part of the story: The owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop” are Orthodox Jews. That is a pertinent fact of the story. Why? Because there is evidently a dress code of some sort for Orthodox Jewish wimmin and Lauren was expected to follow that dress code. She was given a bathrobe to cover her chestictular protrusions and felt insulted, so she went shopping to buy clothing that complied with the Orthodox Jewish Wimmin dress code. She was then notified on her cell phone that she had been relieved of her duties as an almost nekkid lady lingerie sales person. It is also essential to note that Lauren Odes is a Jew as well. Not Orthodox, but Jewish nonetheless. Now the question; what do the Orthodox Jews have against New Jersey-size hooters?

Question 3) If the bidness that Lauren worked for sold sexy lingerie, wouldn’t great big tits be a valuable sales tool? Tools?

Lauren Hires a Publicity Hound

I was gonna subtitle this section of the story “Lauren Hires a Publicity Whore”, but the publicity whore Lauren hired is Gloria Allred and Ms. Allred has no compunction about sueing a guy like me for calling her a publicity whore. So, I won’t call call G-Red a publicity whore in order to avoid any possible litigation. However! Gloria can not sue me for thinking that she is a publicity whore. Therefore, I think Gloria Allred is a publicity whore.

Ms. Allred, whom I think is a PR hooker whore, is an excellent choice in Lauren’s pursuit of Justice against the Orthodox Jewish guys who hate big bosoms and terminate female employees who are blessed with a substantial rack. Gloria Allred, when representing a wronged woman, is like a pit bull on a T-bone. Vicious and umstoppable.

As much as I think Ms. Allred is a publicity whore, I am actually on her side this time. She has taken up a case worthy of litigation and will be certainly prevail against the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Hate Big Boobs in a court of law. And deservedly so.

Good luck to Lauren and her heat seekers.

As for the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Dislike Bodacious Ta-tas…

Yutzis.

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to the Daily Mail for the Photo***

Chick w/Duct Taped Boobs Attacks 3 Cops!

Milestone: Some time yesterday morning Dumbass News topped the 100,000 page view barrier! One. Hundred. Thousand. That’s got a nice ring to it. I can’t begin to express my sincerest thanks to each of you for time and support. There were times when I wasn’t sure that we’d make it to a thousand, much less 100K.

I am humbled and grateful.

Thank you.

Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain’t. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.

Enter the Duct Tape

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun!

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.

600 Dumbass Posts & Counting!

Today Dumbass News has reached a milestone. The post previous to this one with the poll on whether I should start a Dumbass YouTube Channel was the 600th in this blog’s almost two year history! It’s hard for me to believe that I have stuck around this long. What’s even more amazing is that you are still around to read this crap.That says a lot about your character, you know. And it ain’t good. Dumbass.I am sure your mental health professional is not too happy about that. Screw ’em. They are deranged enough to be making a living off dealing with Dumbasses every day, so what does that say about them? 

Checkmate and pass the Lithium.


Let’s Celebrate!

I thought that an occasion as monumental as this one should be properly recognized and feted. So, I went through the blog archives and pulled some of my personal favorite Dumbss News stories from the first 600.

Here are those posts, in no particular order.

Picking out favorite Dumbass News stories is a lot like picking out your favorite kid in the family. Each is unique and you love them all equally but in a different way.

You have 600 of ’em to choose from, so search the archives till dumbassery leaks from your eye ball sockets. You’ll thank me later.

But, I thank you now. All of you in the 137 countries around the globe who spend your valuable time reading Dumbass News.Your support has been amazing and much appreciated. Just short of 70,000 page views as of today, I am a humbled Fearless Leader.

Thanks.

Dumbasses.