Category: Brazil

Lady Poisons Her Own Vajayjay, Tries to Kill Husband With It!

One more time: If the woman in this story isn’t named the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2013, I’ll kiss your ass in the middle of downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd. 

Words I regret ever having written.

Not only did I knowingly scribble that sentence, I did so with the unwavering confidence that I would never see downtown Dallas again. Twice.

I should’ve known better.

The last week’s worth of stories will be long remembered as the most loaded-with-Dumbass of the Year Candidates-Week in the two and a half year, 850+ blog post history of Dumbass News.

So far.

Today’s tale once again pegs the Dumbass-O-Meter to eleventy111!!11!! and is probably NSFW!

Tainted Taint

There’s a lady down in Brazil that doesn’t like her husband very much. Her dislike for her spouse had gotten to the point that she wanted to kill him. So she devised an ingenious plan to rid herself of him once and for all.

She poisoned her vajayjay!

A man is accusing his wife of trying to kill him by putting poison in her vagina and convincing him to perform oral sex with her.
The man, 43, became suspicious when he noticed a strange odor coming from his wife’s genitals, according to Portuguese news outlet tvi24.
When he took her to the hospital, she confessed to the plan, and doctors found enough poison in her body to kill them both.
She plotted to kill her husband when he refused to divorce her, according to the Huffington Post UK. She was treated and released from the hospital.
Officer Walter Colacino Junior has ordered further investigation of the case before any legal action is taken.

What I Think

  • Brazil is a heavily Catholic country and divorce is a Big No No in the Church, but I am sure that somewhere in the dogma of Catholicism there’s a rule against murder also. 
  • I am, I think, not going too far out on a limb when I say that attempted murder is against the law even in a happy-go-lucky place such as Brazil. 
  • What was this stoopid broad thinking? Did she not consider the fact that putting a toxic substance in her nether regions might just be dangerous to herself as well?!
  • If an odd odor is emanating from a cooter, is the cooter contaminated?
  • What effect will this incident have on oral sex in Brazil?
  • Should a warning label stating “Oral Contact with This Vajayjay May Be Fatal” be required on every vagina in the country?
  • Will the Brazilian Gubmint pass strict new Cooter Control laws?
  • How does a woman go about de-toxifying a poisoned lady part?
  • I hope this is not a trend.
  • I shall avoid Brazil like it’s downtown Dallas.

Dumbass.

Nigerian Cocaine-Stuffed Chicken!

I am at the Age of Retirement. My retirement was thrust upon me due to some health issues that have reared their ugly heads over the last few years.

I have been fighting the Federal Gubmint for all the money I put into The System (Thanks, Liberal Assholes!) for over two years now. And I gotta tell you, I am not a hurry up and wait kind of guy. Part of my current situation is of my own doing, with no one or nothing else to blame but me. The rest of the blame lies squarely at the feet of the confiscatory Federal Gubmint that has way too much control over our daily lives, including our future as Old Farts. They took my money without my permission and gave it to other people thus putting me on the back burner and now I have had to hire an attorney to get my own damn money back. And after over 40 years of working, it is not a small amount of money. I won’t be rich by any means, but my family and I will live a much more comfortable lifestyle than we now enjoy once this whole charade is over and done with.

I tell you this because it ties in with today’s Dumbass News. How’s that? I could have followed the example set by a Nigerian fellow who had a plan to beat all plans for his pending retirement.

Let me splain.

Planning Ahead

Vincent Chegini Chinweuwa had a retirement plan that would set him up for life in his native Nigeria. It involved the humble roasted chicken. And cocaine. $150,000 worth of cocaine.

You see Vincent had struggled for six long years while living in Brazil with hopes of some day returning a wealthy man to his beloved Homeland, so he meticulously planned his return to Lagos. His scheme included buying cocaine so he could sell it back in Nigeria earning him a nifty profit and instant retirement.

“Stuffed” Yard Bird

Here’s where the roasted chickens come into play. Vincent had bought 2.6 kilos (that’s almost 6 pounds) of Brazilian toot and stuffed it into the yard birds asses hoping to sneak it past Nigerian Customs and realize his dreams of a life of luxury.

But, it didn’t work out.

Plan Gone Awry

Vincent got his coke OK and got it shoved up the roasted chickens asses. He encountered problems when he got to the airport in Lagos. It seems that during the six years that Vinny was in Brazil, Nigerian Customs Agents had undergone intensive training to be on the lookout for drug smugglers and that they had also gotten some more modern drug detection equipment to help them in their fight against narcotics trafficking.

Vince did not get the memo.

He got busted and is now awaiting trial while in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. And by “ultra-modern” I of course mean rat-infested, urine-soaked, disease-ridden hell hole. You know, like Detroit.

This is what happens when one tries to skirt the rules when reaching retirement age. After learning of Vince’s plight, I have determined that I still loathe Gubmint Intrusion into my life and that hiring a lawyer to handle my case was not as big a pain in the ass as spending my Golden Years in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison for smuggling nearly six pounds of blow into the country. Besides, I am a White Guy and I would guess that White Guys are at a “premium” in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. By “premium”, I of course mean “prison bitches”. I am a lot of things, some of them not so good, but “prison bitch” ain’t one of ’em.

I’ll leave the prison bitchery to Vincent Takesomeballs Tothechinweuwa.

I would, however, like a nice juicy piece of roasted chicken. Hold the coke.

Dumbass.

Parrot Flees Owner, Searches for Strip Clubs

Parrot in the Jungles of Brazil & Shit

Have you ever been around a parrot? I have, and let me tell you that they are magnificent birds. They are also very expensive birds. I once worked at a pet store (great job, Yankee bosses) and we were selling a 4 year old Amazon parrot for about $2000. I know they can be bought cheaper than that, but this bird was from the jungles of Brazil or some shit. I think her name was “Cheyenne” or some hippie shit (the Yankee bosses were old hippies), but, man, was this bird incredible. This guy in New York City had an Amazon parrot too. Until he took it out for a bike ride!

Bye Bye, Birdie

Now that I’ve quit laughing, I can go on with this story. This NYC guy, Allen, went for a bicycle ride around the Big Apple one day and thought, “I have a great idea! I’ll take my $2000 Amazon parrot straight from the jungles of Brazil and shit, for a bike ride! He can sit on my shoulder as I pedal around the largest city in the country showing eight million people what a dumbass I am. What fun!” What a mistake. Allen goes on with his plan, tales the bird, straight from the jungles of Brazil and shit, bike riding while he (the bird) was sitting on Allen’s shoulder. Then the parrot remembered that he was from the jungles of Brazil and shit and starts to get homesick. He (the bird) also remembers the good old days of flyong around the jungles of Brazil and shit chasing the hot parrot babes and visiting Parrot Strip Clubs and shit. So his instincts take ove and guess what? Yup.The bird said, “Allen you’re an idiot for bringing a once-wild bird, untethered, outside. I bid you an A.M.F.” For those of you in OcupyMyAss movements around the USA, that means Adios Mother Fucker.

Futility

The bird flew the coop and what does Allen do? He goes all over NYC hunting for the damned parrot. Face it, chump, you are out one bird and and two large. You are also a dumbass. I don’t care how tame you think a wild animal is, one day the beast’s instincts will take over, and no matter how trained you think he is, you can not un-do what has been bred into that particular species for thousands or even millions of years. So, Allen’s bird split. That’s what parrots from the jungles of Brazil and shit do.

Free as a Bird 

Also by blowin’ the scene with Allen, the bird proved smarter than the man, which in Allen’s case wasn’t any major deal. The parrot’s out looking for Parrot Strip Clubs and the NYC equivalent of a jungle (The Bronx, maybe?) and Allen is at home curled up in the fetal position contemplating buying a goldfish. Let’s hope he doesn’t take the fish bike riding too.

Dumbass.