Category: Breaking and Entering

NSFW! 325 Pound Man Busts into Lingerie Shop, Plays "Hide the Plastic Sausage"

Before I even get started on today’s foray into Dumbassery, I will WARN you that what you are about to read is NSFW!

Here at Dumbass News we ain’t skeered to delve into some of the most bizarre news stories on the internet. In other words, we willingly and unashamedly dive head first into the slime. Today is no exception.

Let the Triple Lindys begin!


Freak City

When you see those two words (Freak City), what town do you think of? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Davenport, Iowa? Davenport, Iowa??!! Freak City? Yup.

Allow me to elucidate.

Friend of the Foot Long

There’s a Dumbass in Davenport who is a rather large fellow. 5’11”, 325 pounds of Large Fellow. Being a Large Fellow does not of course predispose one to be a Dumbass, but being a Large Fellow and breaking into a lingerie store is a good start on the Road to Dumbassville.

New Meaning to Breaking & “Entering”

The Scene: 4:10 AM. Jose Perales (all 5’11”, 325 lbs. of him) breaks into Dr. John’s Lingerie Store and samples the merchandise.

The following mental image can not be un-seen!

Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John’s staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”
The burglar “then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read “PERALES” in Old English lettering.” The distinctive ink helped cops eventually identify Perales.
During his time inside the store, “Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John’s he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

  • What. The. Fuck.
  • This will be not be in the Davenport Camber of Commerce’s next Reasons to Visit Davenport brochure.
  • Do Jose look pretty in pink?
  • When Jose speaks of a “foot long”, I am certain he does not mean a hot dog.
  • When Jose speaks of a “foot long”, I am certain that he does mean a 12 inch plastic weenie.
  • Jose experimented with sex toys for two hours? Really?
  • I bet you could park a Mack Truck in Jose’s hiney.
  • Jose will become known as “Ho -zay” in the Iowa State Penitentiary, where “foot longs” are the rule rather than the exception.
  • San Francisco has lost a fat gay guy named Jose.
  • I feel the need to projectile puke.


***Hat Tip The Smoking Gun***


Frozen Gazebos and Breaking & Entering for Breakfast

             ******WARNING! NSFW IMAGE BELOW******

Here’s a re-post from April 4, 2011. I’ll try to post a new story later today. 

Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

I mentioned a few minutes ago in a Facebook comment that here it is April 4 and it’s snowing here in Augusta, Maine. Too much snow does weird things to people. An example of that can be found in our story today. Our tale takes place in Bangor, about 75 miles from my house.

The Bangor PD was called to an unusual situation where “a man or woman wearing short-shorts and no jacket running in and out of the snow.” We call that a dumbass where I come from, but I digress. The cops got to the scene of the crime and promptly encountered the owner of a local cafe. The cafe owner said that apparently someone had broken into to his eatery through a side door to the kitchen area. Windows on the kitchen door were smashed and a shovel was found nearby, apparently used to break the windows on the door. Police, exercising due caution, entered the cafe  where they found Daniel Watson, 30, of Bangor in the dining room area.“He definitely had a shirt, a fleece vest and socks on,” but no pants, underwear or shoes — despite the subzero temperatures, Sewall said. Watson’s arms and legs were covered with cuts, police said Friday night.” I guess the burglar thought it was “half off day”. Tee hee. I made a funny.

The good guys arrested the dumbass and the made the Police Statement of the Year (So Far), the suspect was confused and incoherent and that “it certainly appeared” he was under the influence. It certainly appeared that this half naked dumbass was “under the influence”? Again, referring to where I come from, we call that fucked up. And dumbass. In my home state of Texas, we don’t break into closed cafes to get something to eat when we are drunk. We go to Denny’s, eat like an NFL defensive lineman then walk the ticket. No shovel needed. The dumbass drunks up here ain’t got no class. 

The dumbass was taken to the Penebscot County Jail where he was booked then released the next morning. This is the part of the story where can insert any joke referring to a nekkid guy in a cafe. What was he eating when he got busted? A shortstack. A small hot dog. Short ribs. Now for the gratuitous nekkid guy goes to court jokes. Will the evidence stand up in court or will there be a lack of evidence? OK, I’ll stop now, but feel free to leave your nekkid guy jokes in the comments. And if you have a personal “I was nekkid in a cafe once…” story, share it with us.