Category: Breathalyzer

Dumbass Kiwi Blows 3 Times Legal DUI Limit, Pees on Breathalyzer

Best of Dumbass News

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 157 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Drunk Driving

On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, “unique”? No we shall not say “unique”, we shall say stoopid as fuck.

Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman’s house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, “Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders’ living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.

He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in “emotional harm” reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders’ aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.

After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means “drunk as fuck” in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts.”

That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, “The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)

Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage.”

Questions and Comments Abound

  • “Disqualified from driving” for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a “drunk as fuck” on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch’s sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
  • Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You’re kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
  • The Kiwis ain’t nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies. 
  • The “sound of running water” is too fucking funny.
  • Pissin’ on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.

So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say “Big Time” I mean you have hit rock bottom.

For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I’ll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.

I know it would make me feel better. And “drunk as fuck”.

Dumbasses.

DUI in Nebraska featuring Earl the God of Dumbass Irony

I have another extremely busy day ahead of me and I won’t have time to write a new post for today. BUT! I browsed the blog archives, which by the way you can find in the left sidebar by scrolling down a little, and went all the way back to November 3 , 2010 and found a real doozy of a “Dumbass News” story.

If you think nothing good ever happens in Nebraska, you’d be el correct-o. However! Plenty of Dumbass Stuff happens in Cornhuskerville. Read on to get a good profile of your average Nebraska youth. And remember the Official State Motto of Nebraska: “At least we’re not Iowa. But we wish we were.” 

Heh.

Sometimes the God of Dumbass Irony, or Earl as he is called, has a wickedly cruel sense of humor. For example, take 19 year old Matthew Nieveen, please(!) hahahahahaha Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony, must have waited years for this twist of fate to occur. It’s so unbelievable, it’s believable. The stars of the constellation “Dumbass” were in perfect order, the moon was in the seventh house, Mercury was in retrograde (which, according a friend of mine, is bad mojo waiting to happen) and the final ingredient of this recipe of ironic circumstance is one full tilt boogie dumbass. That’s where my man Matthew comes in. Matthew is a dumbass, as you’ll shortly see. Read the post first then get a look at the photo at the end of the article.

The story that pegs the Irony Meter takes place in Lincoln, Nebraska, where NOTHING good ever happens, unless it’s the annual ass-kickin’ that the Texas Longhorns put on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That’s another thing about Lincoln, they call themselves Cornhuskers. What the fuck is a Cornhusker other than a guy who can husk corn? Do they have degrees in cornhusking at NU? Is the mere mention of the word “cornhusker” supposed to strike fear into the hearts of your athletic opponent? The only way the word “cornhusker” would scare the hell out of anybody is if all “cornhuskers” were women from Nebraska. But, I digress.

Back to our dumbass, Matthew, and his 15 minutes of infamy. Matthew goes to this party where alcoholic beverages are being served. (Since our story takes place in Lincoln, NE, the drinks served at this party probably have little umbrellas in them, but, again, I digress) The party in question is a Halloween party. So far, so good. (except for the drinks with tiny umbrellas in them) Matthew, who you’ll remember is only 19, goes to the Halloween party and has two drinks with little umbrellas in them and gets el drunk-o. I’d like to note for the record here, that the women Cornhuskers polished off two kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while the boys had the drinks with little umbrellas in them. This is Nebraska, remember. Anyway, my main man, Matt, gets hammered and makes the foolish decision to drive home while being wasted on drinks with little umbrellas in them. While Matthew is operating his motor vehicle under diminished capacity, he gets pulled over by the Lincoln Police, who hate pansies like Matthew who drive drunk, especially when they are tanked on… you guessed it, drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The law then administers road side sobriety tests (which in Nebraska involved husking corn) to Matthew, which he fails miserably. He was, however, alert enough to present the arresting officer a keepsake little umbrella from one of his drinks he had earlier. The cop was not amused. (I just made that part up for dramatic dumbass effect).

IRONY ALERT! Guess what our man Matt was wearing when he got busted? A breathalyser costume! I. Kid.You. Not. This is almost as funny as a green turd in a punch bowl. Those Nebraskans, God bless ’em, have the misfortune of being cornhuskers, then Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony steps in like James Brown throwing a fourth and 2 pass from deep inside his own territory to his tight end and ends up with a 62 yard gain. Remember that, Cornhuskers? Earl could not have more cruel to our man Matthew than if he put one more second on the clock and your opponent kicks the field goal that costs you the Conference Championship (Obscure Texas 13 Nebraska 12 reference). Doggone that Earl, he’s trickster, ain’t he? A breathalyser costume! bwahahahaha  Life must be hell being a Cornhusker and life must really suck if you’re Matthew – drunk, in jail and out one little umbrella from a foo foo drink.

Dumbass.

Guy Blows 3 Times DUI Limit & Pees on Breathalyzer!

Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into an elderly woman's living room. Photo / File
***Photo from NZ Herald***

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 142 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Drunk Driving

On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, “unique”? No we shall not say “unique”, we shall say stoopid as fuck.

Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman’s house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, “Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders’ living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.

He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in “emotional harm” reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders’ aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.

After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means “drunk as fuck” in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts.”

That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, “The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)

Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage.”

Questions and Comments Abound

  • “Disqualified from driving” for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a “drunk as fuck” on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch’s sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
  • Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You’re kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
  • The Kiwis ain’t nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies. 
  • The “sound of running water” is too fucking funny.
  • Pissin’ on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.

So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say “Big Time” I mean you have hit rock bottom.

For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I’ll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.

I know it would make me feel better. And “drunk as fuck”.

Dumbasses.

Drunk Nebraska Dumbass Pegs the Irony Meter

I have another extremely busy day ahead of me and I won’t have time to write a new post for today. BUT! I browsed the blog archives, which by the way you can find in the left sidebar by scrolling down a little, and went all the way back to November 3 , 2010 and found a real doozy of a “Dumbass News” story.

If you think nothing good ever happens in Nebraska, you’d be el correct-o. However! Pleanty of Dumbass Stuff happens in Cornhuskerville. Read on to get a good profile of your average Nebraska youth. And remember the Official State Motto of Nebraska: “At least we’re not Iowa. But we wish we were.” 

Heh.

Sometimes the God of Dumbass Irony, or Earl as he is called, has a wickedly cruel sense of humor. For example, take 19 year old Matthew Nieveen, please(!) hahahahahaha Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony, must have waited years for this twist of fate to occur. It’s so unbelievable, it’s believable. The stars of the constellation “Dumbass” were in perfect order, the moon was in the seventh house, Mercury was in retrograde (which, according a friend of mine, is bad mojo waiting to happen) and the final ingredient of this recipe of ironic circumstance is one full tilt boogie dumbass. That’s where my man Matthew comes in. Matthew is a dumbass, as you’ll shortly see. Read the post first then get a look at the photo at the end of the article.

The story that pegs the Irony Meter takes place in Lincoln, Nebraska, where NOTHING good ever happens, unless it’s the annual ass-kickin’ that the Texas Longhorns put on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That’s another thing about Lincoln, they call themselves Cornhuskers. What the fuck is a Cornhusker other than a guy who can husk corn? Do they have degrees in cornhusking at NU? Is the mere mention of the word “cornhusker” supposed to strike fear into the hearts of your athletic opponent? The only way the word “cornhusker” would scare the hell out of anybody is if all “cornhuskers” were women from Nebraska. But, I digress.

Back to our dumbass, Matthew, and his 15 minutes of infamy. Matthew goes to this party where alcoholic beverages are being served. (Since our story takes place in Lincoln, NE, the drinks served at this party probably have little umbrellas in them, but, again, I digress) The party in question is a Halloween party. So far, so good. (except for the drinks with tiny umbrellas in them) Matthew, who you’ll remember is only 19, goes to the Halloween party and has two drinks with little umbrellas in them and gets el drunk-o. I’d like to note for the record here, that the women Cornhuskers polished off two kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while the boys had the drinks with little umbrellas in them. This is Nebraska, remember. Anyway, my main man, Matt, gets hammered and makes the foolish decision to drive home while being wasted on drinks with little umbrellas in them. While Matthew is operating his motor vehicle under diminished capacity, he gets pulled over by the Lincoln Police, who hate pansies like Matthew who drive drunk, especially when they are tanked on… you guessed it, drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The law then administers road side sobriety tests (which in Nebraska involved husking corn) to Matthew, which he fails miserably. He was, however, alert enough to present the arresting officer a keepsake little umbrella from one of his drinks he had earlier. The cop was not amused. (I just made that part up for dramatic dumbass effect).

IRONY ALERT! Guess what our man Matt was wearing when he got busted? A breathalyser costume! I. Kid.You. Not. This is almost as funny as a green turd in a punch bowl. Those Nebraskans, God bless ’em have the misfortune of being cornhuskers, then Earl, the God of Irony steps in like James Brown throwing a fourth and 2 pass from deep inside his own territory to his tight end and ends up with a 62 yard gain. Remember that, Cornhuskers? Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony could not have more cruel to our man Matthew than if he put one more second on the clock and your opponent kicks the field goal that costs you the Conference Championship. Doggone that Earl, he’s trickster, ain’t he? A breathalyser costume! bwahahahaha  Life must be hell being a Cornhusker and life must really suck if you’re Matthew – drunk, in jail and out one little umbrella from a foo foo drink. Dumbass. PIC BELOW**