Category: Britain

Drunk Guy Goes on Midget Tossing Rampage!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.Some dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too. The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either 1) Liberals or 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain’t gonna happen. As far as Liberals go, I ain’t skeered of a bunch of pussies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn’t fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won’t work to save their own mothers. I told you the Libs were pussies, and we already knew as much a bout the people of the Flag of Surrender. Knowing that, I’m pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe. But I digress….

No Fearless Leader Tossing

As I said up there^^^^^, physically I am not what you’d call a candidate to play Middle Linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. I am about a foot too short and at least a hundred pounds too light. As unimposing as I am, there are smaller men in the world than me who are imposing only in the movies and the WWE. Where I come from we call them “midgets”. They prefer to be called “Little People”. Forget that noise. My two youngest children (ages 4 & 9) are “little people”. A fully grown human bean that got the raw end of the “Verticality Stick” is a friggin’ midget! End.Of.Story. Besides, nobody in his right Dumbass Mind would dare to try to do some Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde tossing. Midgets on the other hand are thrown around, willingly in the great majority of cases, like a drunk hooker at a bachelor party. I’m just sayin’.

Drunk Guy Shot Puts Midget, Much to Midget’s Dismay

The Telegraph reports that “A dwarf claims he was partially paralyzed on his birthday when a stranger lifted and heaved him onto the hard ground outside an English pub.” Did I mention that there was a dwarf tossing event at the pub in question when this incident occurred? It’s not stated in the Telegraph article whether the midget victim, Martin Henderson, was participant in the “Mad Midget Weekender” as the show was called, nonetheless Martin was tossed like a salad at a Weight Watchers meeting. The tosser was a drunk bloke who Martin claims was encouraged by a drunk rugby team into giving Martin the Midget the ol’ heave ho. While I certainly sympathize with Martin regarding his injuries, that’s where my concerns for Martin come to an abrupt halt.

Martin Is a Dumbass

While no midget deserves to be blindsided and flung around for the sheer enjoyment of some inebriated asshole…oh, wait! That’s what dwarf tossing is all about! Watching teensy weensy full grown men getting pitched all over the pub to the bemusement of the likkered up assholes in said pub. What the hell was to be expected of a shit load of Brits drinking warm beer, for God’s sake? These are the same people who drink hot tea also! Haven’t these dumbasses ever heard of ice? No wonder the UK is going to Hell in a hand basket. Warm beer indeed.

Let me go through this ordeal step by step: 1) There is a “Mad Midget Weekender” 2) At a British pub 3) That serves warm beer 4) With a lorry load (<——a little Brit lingo there) of drunk dumbasses in attendance. I can’t see any potential problems with that set of circumstances, could you? Evidently Martin the Teensy Weensy Full Grown Man didn’t and look what happened to him.

Giving the Runt Credit

I won’t list them, but suffice it to say that Martin suffered some pretty serious injuries as a result of being unexpectedly dwarf tossed by some plowed dickweed and still has significant health issues from his experience. But is that what has Martin so pissed off about this ordeal? Not from what I can tell.

The reason that the Midget in Question is perturbed is because the impairments from which he suffers have ” derailed what he described as a promising acting career” Acting career? In what, short subjects? A mini series? After reading that, I am of the opinion that martin himself was a few pints along the Drunk Highway on the night in question. Again, I digress…..

The credit Martin is due is because all he wants out this horrible happening is an apology from the rugby that supposedly egged on the Surprise Dwarf Slammer into his commode-huggin’ drunk actions. After all, this could have rather easily a long drawn out court battle taking God knows how long to determine the outcome of.

Way to go, Martin Old Bean! Your sense of Justice is to be admired. However, your sense of the common leaves a lot to be desired. Wrong place, wrong time and all that sort of rot. (<—–more Brit lingo there). Have a nice rodeo warm beer on me, mate. But seriously get the pub owners to fucking ice down some of the ole Amber Current, will ya?

And a pip, pip cheery oh to you.

Dumbass.

A Dumbass Story You Can Sink Your Teeth Into (If You Have Any)

I wrote this post about a month ago and it was an Internet Smash Hit. I wanted to share it with you again as a Public Service and a lesson in civility. You know what I mean, “Do unto others, etc.” 

With this post also comes an Official Dumbass News Spew Alert!

If you are currently drinking something, I highly recommend that you disengage said liquid from your mouth. Reading this screed has been known to cause spontaneous spewing thus damaging and possibly rendering inoperative any and/or all electronics with the Specified Spewing Range (SSR). this concludes this  Official Dumbass News Spew Alert!

Victim of British Dental Care System

Sink Your Teeth Into This

As a man who has said “I do” on more than one occasion, I can not emphasize to you the importance of maintaining at least a civil relationship with your former spouse. Doing so could save you a shit load of grief and misfortune at a later date. Trust. Me. On. This. One.


I do not speak with one of my former spouses, although I do not hold any ill will towards her. She has her life. I have mine. Our kids are all grown up now and they have and/or are in the process of having their own children.  Besides, she lives in the Midwest, I live in New England. That way the shit works out right.

I am Facebook friends with another ex-wife and we get along very well. I actually like her. I know her husband and like him very much, too. He’s a great guy. As far as she and I are concerned, I think it’s pretty simple. She sees life differently because she was near death after a terrible automobile accident. Me? I see life differently because I quit drinking. Plus, we are twenty years older than we were when we were hitched and I’d like to think that we’ve both “matured” a little bit over the last two decades.

My current wife, whom I adore, is Eye-talian. I dare not piss her off  because she has male relatives named Frankie, Vito, Guido, Vinnie and Sal. Enough said.

These kind of cordial interactions between exes are not always the case.

Let me splain.

Don’t Piss Off the Cook

You know the old sayings like “you don’t pull on Superman’s cape”, “you don’t spit into the wind”, “you don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger” and “you don’t mess around with Jim” ( There ya go, Rachel! 🙂 ), I am sure.

I’d like to pass along another “don’t piss off…” warning to you. Don’t piss off the cook. The cook being the one who is preparing your food and has every opportunity to do vile and disgusting things to your meal should you unreasonably irritate him/her. This Rule of Life is alterable by substituting another word for “cook”. Like, let’s say, “dentist”. Especially a dentist who is your ex-lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/whatever.

Marek Olszewski learned this lesson the hard way.

Let me further splain.

The Toothache That Lead to Disaster

Some background to the story: Our Pollack friend Marek developed a toothache. He made an appointment with the dentist. But, fellow Dumbasses, this was no ordinary tooth yanker. This particular perturbed puller of pearly whites was Marek’s ex-girlfriend! In my humble Dumbass opinion, nothing good could come from this. Not even a bad tooth. A bad tooth and 31 other perfectly good teeth perhaps. Woops! I gave away the punch line.

The ex-girlfriend dentist, Anna, said that she tried tobe professional and detach myself from my emotions, but when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a b—–d.'” So, like any spark-spittin’ mad bitch with a set of pliers and access to narcotics, Anna set out for revenge. She sedated Marek and carefully extracted his bad tooth. Then she pulled a good tooth. Then she removed another good tooth. And another. And another. Soon, Marek was as toothless as a meth-addicted moonshiner from West Virginia. 


Upon completion of the malicious molar mauling, Anna wrapped Marek’s face up in bandages so he wouldn’t realize that he had NO teefahs left in his head. He did, however, notice that he couldn’t feel any teeth in his mouth and Anna told him that it just the numbness from the medication she had given him and that the feeling would wear off when the drugs did. 

Enter the mirror.

He Thought She was “Trustworthy”

Looking into a mirror confirmed Marek’s worst suspicions. He would be gumming his steaks and burgers for the foreseeable future. There was enough empty space in his mouth, just like his head, to park a 1956 Cadillac Fleetwood. Here’s what Marek had to say, “I didn’t have any reason to doubt her — I mean, I thought she was a professional”. Famous last words of a Dumbass. “But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t fucking believe it! The bitch emptied my mouth!”

Dude, trusting a pissed off lady dentist who just happened to be your ex to pull a tooth should have been your first clue that this was not a good idea. The second clue should have been your membership card to “Dumbasses of America”.

It Gets Better

This is not the end of this ordeal for Marek. Not only did our Dumbass lose all his teeth in this episode, he also lost his current girlfriend! The reason the current gal pal dumped him? He has no teeth! She said she just couldn’t date a man who didn’t have any teeth. bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Now that’s funny!

I guess asking her for a blow job is out of the question.

Did I mention that this shit took place in England where dental hygiene is right up there with eating Coon Ass (Cajun) food? It. Ain’t. Happenin’.

Did I also mention that England has nationalized health care? This is what they deserve for enacting that shit. no offense to Ma and Pa Limey, just the fucking Commies who enacted and run the UK version of Obamacare. See what we are in for, America? But I digress.


Anna Gets Yanked 


Anna is under investigation for medical malpractice and could face three years in an English prison playing “hide the suction hose” with other young ladies who have teeth. By that I mean no teeth in the head but teeth in other orifices of their bodies. I’ll leave it at that.

Have fun, Anna! By your actions, you have merited the old “broom handles area girl’s best friend” treatment.

Dumbass.

Dwarf Ambushed & Tossed by Drunk Brit!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.Some dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too. The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either 1) Liberals or 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain’t gonna happen. As far as Liberals go, I ain’t skeered of a bunch of pussies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn’t fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won’t work to save their own mothers. I told you the Libs were pussies, and we already knew as much a bout the people of the Flag of Surrender. Knowing that, I’m pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe. But I digress….

No Fearless Leader Tossing

As I said up there^^^^^, physically I am not what you’d call a candidate to play Middle Linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. I am about a foot too short and at least a hundred pounds too light. As unimposing as I am, there are smaller men in the world than me who are imposing only in the movies and the WWE. Where I come from we call them “midgets”. They prefer to be called “Little People”. Forget that noise. My two youngest children (ages 4 & 9) are “little people”. A fully grown human bean that got the raw end of the “Verticality Stick” is a friggin’ midget! End.Of.Story. Besides, nobody in his right Dumbass Mind would dare to try to do some Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde tossing. Midgets on the other hand are thrown around, willingly in the great majority of cases, like a drunk hooker at a bachelor party. I’m just sayin’.

Drunk Guy Shot Puts Midget, Much to Midget’s Dismay

The Telegraph reports that “A dwarf claims he was partially paralyzed on his birthday when a stranger lifted and heaved him onto the hard ground outside an English pub.” Did I mention that there was a dwarf tossing event at the pub in question when this incident occurred? It’s not stated in the Telegraph article whether the midget victim, Martin Henderson, was participant in the “Mad Midget Weekender” as the show was called, nonetheless Martin was tossed like a salad at a Weight Watchers meeting. The tosser was a drunk bloke who Martin claims was encouraged by a drunk rugby team into giving Martin the Midget the ol’ heave ho. While I certainly sympathize with Martin regarding his injuries, that’s where my concerns for Martin come to an abrupt halt.

Martin Is a Dumbass

While no midget deserves to be blindsided and flung around for the sheer enjoyment of some inebriated asshole…oh, wait! That’s what dwarf tossing is all about! Watching teensy weensy full grown men getting pitched all over the pub to the bemusement of the likkered up assholes in said pub. What the hell was to be expected of a shit load of Brits drinking warm beer, for God’s sake? These are the same people who drink hot tea also! Haven’t these dumbasses ever heard of ice? No wonder the UK is going to Hell in a hand basket. Warm beer indeed.

Let me go through this ordeal step by step: 1) There is a “Mad Midget Weekender” 2) At a British pub 3) That serves warm beer 4) With a lorry load (<——a little Brit lingo there) of drunk dumbasses in attendance. I can’t see any potential problems with that set of circumstances, could you? Evidently Martin the Teensy Weensy Full Grown Man didn’t and look what happened to him.

Giving the Runt Credit

I won’t list them, but suffice it to say that Martin suffered some pretty serious injuries as a result of being unexpectedly dwarf tossed by some plowed dickweed and still has significant health issues from his experience. But is that what has Martin so pissed off about this ordeal? Not from what I can tell.

The reason that the Midget in Question is perturbed is because the impairments from which he suffers have ” derailed what he described as a promising acting career” Acting career? In what, short subjects? A mini series? After reading that, I am of the opinion that martin himself was a few pints along the Drunk Highway on the night in question. Again, I digress…..

The credit Martin is due is because all he wants out this horrible happening is an apology from the rugby that supposedly egged on the Surprise Dwarf Slammer into his commode-huggin’ drunk actions. After all, this could have rather easily a long drawn out court battle taking God knows how long to determine the outcome of.

Way to go, Martin Old Bean! Your sense of Justice is to be admired. However, your sense of the common leaves a lot to be desired. Wrong place, wrong time and all that sort of rot. (<—–more Brit lingo there). Have a nice rodeo warm beer on me, mate. But seriously get the pub owners to fucking ice down some of the ole Amber Current, will ya?

And a pip, pip cheery oh to you.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Brit Rips Off, Pisses Off Four Women, Hilarity Ensues

The Hole In Which Simon’s Ass Will Be “Accessible”

From the Here’s a Doozy Department, here’s a doozy. A British Dumbass named Simon Reid tried to do something that any man with a lick of sense wouldn’t try to do if somebody held a 9mm Glock to his head. Simon had four girlfriends and none of them knew about the other three until one of them used the British version of Google Fu. Then all four of the jilted women wanted to take turns cutting off Simon’s fish and chips, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Simon was, unbeknownst to all four women, a gigolo. A man-whore. A dog. A dumbass. Ole Simon was cruising along in his relationships with these women, taking money from them hand over fist by telling them some outrageous lies,  “He told one woman he was an international businessman, another he was a professional rock climber, a third that his father was terminally ill and a fourth that his son was a Royal Air Force pilot who’d lost three limbs in Afghanistan.” Then one of them got suspicious. Enter Google Fu. She Googled Simon’s name and something unexpected came up …a website run by an American woman telling of Simon’s rotten deeds and sexploits,  “hoping to help other women that Simon might try to ripoff. Needless to say, the Google Fu lady was shocked at the sight of it all. Shocked and pissed off, but mostly pissed off. Then the pissed off Google Fu lady had an idea! “Why don’t I get all these other women together in one place and we’ll all confront this cad! And we’ll have a camcorder to document it all!” More from the UPI story,. “They all met in a pub and hatched a plot to trap him, the newspaper said. Reid was lured to Buckingham’s house while the others hid upstairs. One by one they came down to confront him — all on camcorder — before calling police, ” The Sun said.  Simon not only faced four ripped off pissed off women, he also faced 30 months in prison which, considering the mess he was in, was preferable to facing four jilted ladies. Simon called the police himself. OK, I made that last part up.


Now Simon sits in an English prison, facing facing four jilted large, hairy, horny inmates and looking forward to his next adventure as an oil field worker who’ll be in the barrel four days a week. 🙂  Dumbass.

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