Category: British Columbia

Dead Killer Becomes Lunch for Live Bear

Karma. Is. A. Bitch.

What goes around comes around has never proven to be more true than the example of which you are about to learn. Well, perhaps it could have been a bit more poetic, but not too damn much more.

“Did Someone Say Lunch?”

Bear with me, Dumbasses. 

Rory Wagner – Murderer

Rory Wagner was a convicted murderer. He was found guilty, along with two other guys, of murder in the 1994 killing of a man whom Wagner and the two accomplices believed sexually assaulted a member of Wagner’s family. To be fair, Wags served out his sentence, thus satisfying his debt to Society, but this story still reeks of Justice delayed.

Waggy Poo lived in an “approved facility” in Kamloops, British Columbia after he was released from The Big House and was on Life Parole. He was also gainfully employed.

He is now gainfully deceased. Dead. As. A. Door. Nail.

The cause of Wagner’s death remains a bit of a mystery, but his remains are no longer a mystery.

Confused?

Read on to be edified.

Edification

Wagner had some cheap ass job some place and one day he told his employers that he wouldn’t be at work for a few days. “A few days” turned out to be “never”. You see, Wags took a little drive into the woods near Kamloops and died. Right there in his car. Nobody is sure why and how he keeled over as autopsy findings are still ongoing.

When he failed to show up at home after his trek into the forest, authorities were notified and an arrest warrant was issued for Rory Wagner. Of course, with him being dead and all, cops didn’t know where to turn. That is until some hunters found Wagner’s remains. But the hunters were not the first to spot Wags’ body. A black bear beat them to it.

The bear had dragged the body to his (the bear’s) supper table. Ate the corpse for din din. Mind you, I am not reveling in Mr. Wagner’s demise, I am, however, laughing like a sonuvabitch at the irony of the situation. Think about it. It’s not every day that a convicted killer meets with such an unceremonious departure from this Veil of Tears. Well, maybe it happens a lot in British Columbia, but not so much here in Maine. If a dead murderer is found in the woods here, he’s found in the bear’s shit, not the bear’s belly. Mainers hide dead murderers real good. Ya feel me?

Adios, Senor Oso 

That’s a little Meskin lingo there that means “Goodbye, Mr. Bear”. The Wildlife Guys in B.C. identified a specific bear as the one who had consumed the leftovers of Rory Wagner and euthanized it. “Euthanized” is of course a euphemism for “blew his shit away”. The Canuckistani Wildlife Guys did some tests and determined that this bear was indeed the one that had eaten Waggy Poo.

So now we have a dead killer, at least part of a dead killer and a dead bear who ate the dead killer. What to do?

I say they feed the dead bear who ate the dead killer to live killers who in turn can be released into the woods surrounding Kamloops. British Columbia, die mysteriously and become dead killers who then become bear food, thus creating a perfect circle of a food chain.

Damn! I am a fucking genius!

You got a better idea?

Dumbass.