Category: Bullies

Beating Bullies with Algebra! – Guest Post by Beef Blogonoff²

When I was growing up I was one of the smallest kids in my class.

Did you ever see the ad about the skinny guy getting sand kicked in his face at the beach? Well I was the guy the skinny kid kicked sand at. So how did I survive the brutal jungle of the schoolyard slug fest? I used brains over brawn. Like the predators on the Serengeti plains bullies use the same techniques. They locate the weakest, and lamest and separate them from the herd. That meant nerds, freaks, fidgets, wimps, gimps, blimps, and other maladjusted misfits were targeted. After separation they were taunted, embarrassed, and beaten like a pinata till their guts spilled. The only option to avoid potential disembowelment is to confuse the enemy.

Bullies as a whole are not geniuses. Have you ever noticed their face when the teacher is trying to explain algebra? They look like they’re constipated, and trying to launch a subway foot long turd. That is your goal to confuse him and get him to make that face. Swagger right up to him with an amusing demeanor and say “Yo Butch, I don’t get that algebra crap do you?” Analysis of that statement reveals some important rules.

  • Rule #1) Know your enemy, it’s imperative that you know their name. It establishes the fact that you are not a stranger, and you are gently forging a relationship. 
  • Rule #2) Be amusing, funny people put others at ease. 
  • Rule #3) Establish a common enemy, algebra is that enemy. 
  • Rule #4) Denigrate the common enemy. “Algebra is crap”. 
  • Rule #5) Don’t linger, make your point and move on. Do this before his confusion subsides and he remembers that he wanted to bust you up like Rodney King was by the L.A. police. 
  • If you still can’t get away clean there is one last resort. Say “Man I got a 0 on Mrs. Douchebags algebra exam. What did you get?” More than likely he did slightly better than that. This means he is not the dumbest ass in school. You have given his self esteem a boost and he feels proud about his new found intellectual superiority. Something he probably never felt before. Sure it may not be as much fun as tearing you up like a pit bull on a chihuahua, but it just may allow you to getaway unscathed. In fact he may have found a new friend. 

So my advice to you when confronted by bullies, “beat em with algebra.”

3x(y + z³) = 1.

Dumbasses.

***Be sure to drop by Beef’s blog and see what he has to bitch about. It’s some funny stuff***