Category: Butter Knife

Bulimics and Penises – Working Together for a Cure

I have, on a few occasions, explained to you some of the “challenges” I face on a daily basis. And by “challenges”, I of course mean that I am mentally ill. Many people would call me insane, but I ain’t there just yet. I take so much medicine that the food pyramid for me is Mood swings meds, anti-depressant and nighty night pill. Not bad actually, but I’d rather smoke a joint and have a beer. But I don’t do that shit anymore.

Dammit.

There are millions of Americans who have the same shit or much worse than me, so I am nothing special, except for the fact that I am the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde and I have readers who are sick puppies – like Wendy in Oregon and her Old Man whose name I don’t know. If he’s from Oregon his name is probably “Chad” or “Biff” or some other Left Coast bullshit.

But I digress.

More Serious “Challenges”

One of those more serious disorders that I spoke of earlier is bulimia. That’s the fear of being eaten and regurgitated by a Braymur (Brahman for the Yoopers in the audience) bull. That’s gotta be scary. Facing down a Big Mac must be a living nightmare. Again, I digress.

Anyway….some lady who apparently mustered up the courage and wherewithal to overcome her bulimia was demonstrating her new found freedom to a friend. No, she was not eaten and vomited up by a Braymur bull, she was sticking a butter knife down her throat demonstrating the absence of a gag reflex. She was going gangbusters with her demonstration until she swallowed the butter knife! Swallowing butter knives is a disease suffered by many bulimics because they just can’t be happy with being well, they feel compelled to stick something down their gullets to prove it.

Not a Scientific Instrument

Did you know, for instance, that sword swallowers are recovering bulimics? Not really I just made that up. Many female porn stars are, besides being skanky sluts, bulimics as well. The difference in the whores and the Butter Knife Lady is that porn star bulimics swallow ding-a-lings in order to show a lack of gag reflex. This has been scientifically proven by thousands of hours of hobbing knobs by skeezes of all ages, origins, ethnic backgrounds and, yes, religions. Except for Baptists. Baptists don’t even dance so oral sex is a major no no for my Protestant brethern and sistern.

Options

Now, as an observer of the human condition known as Dumbassery, I would taken aback by the fact that the young lady showed her progress by using a butter knife as a tool in her little demo. Why not a banana? Or a cucumber? Or a penis? All would be infinitely more suitable to such an exercise than a butter knife. Using a penis, for example, would instantly afford her a new career choice as well. I’m just sayin’

Please understand that I am not making light of bulimia. It is a very serious and deadly condition if the wrong penis is used as a “tool” to show a lack of gag reflex, a woman could choke to fucking death. Or end up as a porn star.

So, heed my advice if you are afflicted with bulimia. In showing your progress towards normalcy, please do not use sharp objects a gag reflex testing devices. Use something firm but malleable in your presentation.

And when you can swallow a whole Black Diamond watermelon, contact me. I know a “movie producer” in Hollywood.

Dumbass.