Category: Butts

Credit Card Theft: The Gateway to Smoking!

Best of Dumbass News

It’s very difficult to get a majority of people to agree on any given subject. Can we agree on that? OK. There is one thing, however, on which a vast majority of any given 100 Americans at any given time will rally together. Smoking.

Whether you smoke or not, we all know that inhaling or chewing tobacco products is not a healthy thing. I am not preaching here as I have been on both sides of the smoking issue. I smoked for a number of years, quit cold turkey and after twelve years of being smoke-free, my Dad up and died on me in 2004 and for some real stoopid reason I started smoking again. I have yet to stop putting daily nails in my own coffin.

Regardless of the health risks associated with smoking, some people who smoke run into trouble in ways not dealing with a medical condition. That is, unless and until being a Dumbass becomes an accepted “disorder” in the medical community.

Let me splain.

That State Up North

Gateway to Smoking

In a place that Ohioans call “That state up north”, meaning Michigan, is a town of about 15,000 named Traverse City. TC is known for, believe it or not, growing grapes and producing wine. Wine? Made in Meechagan? I never saw that coming. What kind of wine do they make there? MD 20/20, The Mad Dog?

I don’t know what the deal is with wine in Traverse City, but I do know that they produce some of the best Dumbasses in the country.

Like the guy who a couple of weeks ago stole a credit card from a local woman. The thief is at this point running wild in Traverse City with pilfered platinum plastic, charging up large quantities of the Mad Dog and filling up his car with gasoline when he wanted a cigarette. Problem was, he had none. He stopped at a 7-11 type store to buy, meaning charge, some butts where Kevin Gay was filling up his automobile with enviro-weenie friendly ethanol. Kevin recognized the credit card thief from a security camera tape where the idiot had previously used the stolen card. Oh! Did I mention that Kevin Gay is a Detective in the TCPD? Yup, he is.

Thus ends the Great Credit Card Caper of 2012 in Traverse City, Michigan. Crook busted, jailed and now preparing for a bright future in Prison Bitchery.

Moral to the Story

If there is one thing to take away from this story, it’s that if you are a credit card thief, DO NOT SMOKE! Or conversely, if you smoke, DO NOT STEAL CREDIT CARDS! Taking things a step further, if you are a smoking credit card thief, buy your cancer sticks somewhere away from where you stole the damn card! Do I have to spell all this out for you Mad Dog-addicted thieves in Meechagan, or is this just an affliction of moronity unique to Traverse City?

I thought that the Dumbasses in Meechagan would be more of the Wolverine kind of guys, on a crime spree to spread terror and anguish amongst the local citizenry. Then, out of the wild blue, I find out that they are more of a gopher, like in Minny-soda.

New Meechagan State Motto: “At Least We Ain’t Minny-soda. But Our Dumbasses Are Big Pussies Just Like Theirs”

Disappointment abounds.

Dumbasses.

Credit Card Theft Is a Gateway Crime to Smoking!

WARNING from Dumbass General: Cigs Can Lead to Long Term Prison Bitchery

It’s very difficult to get a majority of people to agree on any given subject. Can we agree on that? OK. There is one thing, however, on which a vast majority of any given 100 Americans at any given time will rally together. Smoking.

Whether you smoke or not, we all know that inhaling or chewing tobacco products is not a healthy thing. I am not preaching here as I have been on both sides of the smoking issue. I smoked for a number of years, quit cold turkey and after twelve years of being smoke-free, my Dad up and died on me in 2004 and for some real stoopid reason I started smoking again. I have yet to stop putting daily nails in my own coffin.

Regardless of the health risks associated with smoking, some people who smoke run into trouble in ways not dealing with a medical condition. That is, unless and until being a Dumbass becomes an accepted “disorder” in the medical community.

Let me splain.


That State Up North

In a place that Ohioans call “That state up north”, meaning Michigan, is a town of about 15,000 named Traverse City. TC is known for, believe it or not, growing grapes and producing wine. Wine? Made in Meechagan? I never saw that coming. What kind of wine do they make there? MD 20/20, The Mad Dog?

I don’t know what the deal is with wine in Traverse City, but I do know that they produce some of the best Dumbasses in the country.

Like the guy who a couple of weeks ago stole a credit card from a local woman. The thief is  at this point running wild in Traverse City with pilfered platinum plastic, charging up large quantities of the Mad Dog and filling up his car with gasoline when he needed a cigarette. Problem was, he had none. He stopped at a 7-11 type store to buy, meaning charge, some butts where Kevin Gay was filling up his automobile with enviro-weenie friendly ethanol. Kevin recognized the credit card thief from a security camera tape where the idiot had previously used the stolen card. Oh! Did I mention that Kevin Gay is a Detective in the TCPD? Yup, he is.

Thus ends the Great Credit Card Caper of 2012 in Traverse City, Michigan. Crook busted, jailed and now preparing for a bright future in Prison Bitchery.

Moral to the Story 

If there is one thing to take away from this story, it’s that if you are a credit card thief, DO NOT SMOKE! Or conversely, if you smoke, DO NOT STEAL CREDIT CARDS! Taking things a step further, if you are a smoking credit card thief, buy your cancer sticks somewhere away from where you stole the damn card! Do I have to spell all this out for you Mad Dog-addicted thieves in Meechagan, or is this just an affliction of moronity unique to Traverse City?

I thought that the Dumbasses in Meechagan would be more of the Wolverine kind of guys, on a crime spree to spread terror and anguish amongst the local citizenry. Then, out of the wild blue, I find out that they are more of a gopher, like in Minny-soda.


New Meechagan State Motto: “At Least We Ain’t Minny-soda. But Our Dumbasses Are Big Pussies Just Like Theirs”

Disappointment abounds.

Dumbasses.