Category: California

New Post w/UPDATED Info! Cal-ee-forn-ya Assemblywoman (D-umbass) Is a Thief!

This post is an update to the story on the Cal-ee-forn-ya State Assemblywoman (D-ipshit) I put up earlier today.

A couple of months ago, November 1 to be exact, I did a story about a woman who was busted for shoplifting. So what? This broad was a California State Assemblywoman from the Bay Area, San Franpussytown. And she was nabbed shoplifting from Neiman-Marcus! This dumbass female wasn’t caught putting a pair of gloves in her purse, saying she just forgot about it and didn’t remember to pay. The stoopid dame walked out of Neiman’s with almost $2500 worth of merchandise! After stashing the loot on her person, she walked by several cashiers on the way out and still didn’t pay for the stuff. So she went out the door, at which point she is guilty of stealing shit, and store security guys popped her. Then she claimed ignorance, saying she forgot that she didn’t pay for the loot. read the whole story at the link above and get all the skinny on this incident.

She’s a Liberal

Her name is Mary Hayashi and she’s a Democrat. I bring up her party affiliation because the Lame Stream Media won’t and if they do, it’s buried in the 28th paragraph, on page 43 B.  That’s how I know she’s a liberal. She represents the Bay Area and its vermin. San Fran ain’t exactly known as a hotbed of conservatism, but it is known for its “alternative lifestyles” and pornographic public events.  WARNING: Really Perverted Stuff at Link! They must be so proud. 

Story Updated!

I accidentally came across an update to this story today and I just had to share it with The Dumbass Horde. You ain’t gonna believe this shit.

Although Hayashi stole almost $2500 worth of stuff, a felony offense, to which she pleaded not guilty, charges were refiled as a misdemeanor and the Assembleywoman re-pleaded no contest. A plea deal was reached after Hayashi’s attorney revealed that she had a benign brain tumor that “could have interfered with her decision making” Are you fucking kidding me? She got three years unsupervised court probation and to stay 50 feet away from the Neiman-Marcus store! Do you think if it was a white guy with the same “medical condition” (ha ha) that pulled the same stunt as Hayashi would have gotten the same deal? Hell. No! He would have thrown post haste into the Big House and told that the prison has an excellent medical staff to help him deal with his health difficulties. You know it and I know it, but this is a powerful (minority) woman in San Francissy. There’s no way she was going to the slammer. Oh, yeah…and the DA is a pussy. ‘Nuff said. Assholes.

 The DA Pussies Out Speaks

I am gonna quote directly from the news report on CBS-San Francisco on what the DA had to say about this deal. Here’s the money quote: “In the spirit of compromise, now that Ms. Hayashi’s medical conditions resulting in her arrest have been taken care of, she decided to resolve the case as well,” he said. “We’re dealing with a first-time offender, and if the court decides to go in a different direction, we’re going to support that,” Gascon said.
Although Gascon said prosecutors felt that there was clear evidence to treat the crime as a felony, he added, “the way that we begin a case is not always the way that the case ends, and that is also part of the process.” That and the fact that this bitch is a State Asshole-sembleywoman and the District Attorney nearly shit his panties when the pressure was applied by, shall we say, “outside individuals”? No we can’t say that. We can, however, say “other city gubmint officials to whom the DA reports.” That’s more like it.

Did I mention that her husband is a judge in the Bay Area? I think that’s something that should be taken into consideration in this case. Obviously he did not preside over this case and I’m thisclose to 100% certain that he wouldn’t use his position as a Member of the Bench to influence the District Attorney in decision to reduce the sentence. Would he? Naaaaa.  coughbullshitcough

San Francisco. The City By the Bay. Such a beautiful cityrun by a bunch of Holier-than-thou Liberal, wannabe Masters of the Lower Class, and occupied by a bunch of losers who feel entitled to your money and their choice to do anything at anytime without consequences. Don’t believe me? Check out this filth, in public, in San Franpussies.

Fuck ’em all.

Dumbasses.

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Cal-ee-forn-ya Assemblywoman Shoplifts, MSM Silent; Name That Party!

I wrote this story a little over a year ago. I am re-running it because, even though it’s old news, it could be in today’s news cycle. By that I mean that the “Bad Guy” in the story is a Democrat and the story was hardly mentioned by the Lame Stream Media. Senator Menendez and the underage hookers anyone? 

 
However, Dumbass News isn’t the LSM! When we get a sniff of a Dumbass in action, we’re on it like a fat kid on a pork chop. We’ll make fun of anybody at any time, Republicans and Conservatives included, with the exceptions of my Mom, the Pope and Billy Graham. It’s just that Liberals and Democrats, but I repeat myself, screw up bigger and better than Republicans/Conservatives. I mean, Dems have Bill Clinton, etc., Repubs get guys like Larry “Wide Stance” Craig. 

I rest my case.
 
Sometimes I take for granted the fact that dumbasses come from all socio-economic backgrounds. What I mean is that all dumbasses are not homeless drunks or poor trailer park trash. Those groups and groups like them just seem to get the most press coverage. Why is that so? I have my ideas why, but that’s another topic for another day.  However! Today Dumbass News features someone who is not a homeless drunk nor a piece of trailer trash. She’s just a fucking idiot. And a State Assemblywoman in Cal-ee-forn-ya! Here’s the deal:

The Deal

Cal-ee-forn-ya State Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi, a Democrat, was recently at a San Francisco Neiman-Marcus store doing her Christmas shoplifting a little early this year. Yes, friends and dumbasses, Hayashi, a Democrat, went about her “shopping” at the upscale retailer accruing along the way $2500 worth of goodies. Are you kidding me? $2500 worth of shit in one store on a State Assemblywoman’s salary? Mary must be very thrifty with her earnings serving the pussies, homos and assorted other dumbasses in the Bay Area. That or she might be using campaign funds to quench her shopping thirst. But here’s where Mary’s shopping trip goes asunder. Or as we say back in Texas, “You ain’t gonna believe this shit!”. It turns out that assemblywoman Hayashi did not use her campaign funds to make her purchase. She also did not did not use apart of her salary as a Public Servant to buy the goods. As a matter of fact, Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi, a Democrat, did not use any money at all! She stole the $2500 worth of merchandise from Neiman’s! She rounded up the booty in the store, walked past several cashiers and made her merry way outside. Store security caught up with Hayashi, she was arrested and released on $15,000 bail.

This part is rich. Sam Singer, a Hayashi spokesdick, said,  “The incident in San Francisco was a mistake and a misunderstanding,” Singer said. “The assemblywoman strongly believes in the justice system and is hopeful that this matter will be cleared up soon.” Oh, it’ll be cleared up all right. Hopefully cleared up all the way to the state penitentiary. But then again I know people who go shopping and “forget” to pay all the time. It’s just an honest mistake right? Stoopid bitch. Just when you thought the story was weird enough, it gets weirder. Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi of Cal-ee-forn-ya (did I mention that she’s a Democrat?) is married to a Bay Area Judge! bwahahahahahahaha!!!

I don’t think this will amount to much because a) we’re talking Cal-ee-forn-ya here, b) she’s married to a Judge and c) she’s a Democrat. See “a)”. This incident will just grease the skids to her re-election. See “a)” again and look up “Clinton, Bill – impeachment”. The clueless residents of the Bay Area deserve everything they get by electing assholes like Mary Hayashi, a Democrat. I mean, hell, they just elected Governor Moonbeam again! Where’s the geological event that will sever Cal-ee-forn-ya from the Lower 48 when you need it?

Dumbasses.

Lady Taking Pic of One Train, Gets Hit by Another!

Death.

I have written a variety of posts about it. Although these stories all have Death in common, they vary in how Death is dealt with in each.For example, one of these tales is about a dead guy whose body was rejected by Science because he was too fat. One story concerns a woman who is very much alive despite the fact that her bank says otherwise. A few posts reveal the weird ways that some Dumbasses met their Maker – one guy died smack dab in the middle of cheating on his wife during a threesome! Another keeled over while in the middle of “gettin’ some” when she was accidentally shot to death by her husband! Yet another Dumbass was setting up a Bigfoot hoax on the side of a highway when he was splattered by an oncoming car.

As strange, and tragic, as all these deaths are, I have come across one that may be even weirder than any of them.

Chattanooga Choo Choo

A teacher in Sacramento, Cal-ee-forn-ya was on an outing taking some photos when she happened upon some train tracks. On these tracks, an oncoming train presented a great opportunity to get a once-in-a-lifetime photograph! And when I say once-in-a-lifetime, I mean once-in-a-lifetime! 

The teacher was standing on the train tracks snapping away with her camera when the unthinkable happened. She was obliterated by another train coming in the opposite direction!
I. Am. Not. Making. This. Shit. Up.
Notes
If somebody vapor locks during a threesome while cheating on his wife,or if some Dumbass is accidentally shot to death playing some exotic Dirty Harry Sex Game, I have no problem belittling them. But for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to make light of this particular situation. 
I guess it’s because I can see this lady as somebody’s Mother or as an inspiration to a class room full of girls at the private High School at which she taught. I don’t know, I can’t figure it out. I just can’t do it. 
Sure what the teacher did was as stoopid as hell. I mean, those train tracks are there for a reason and that reason ain’t for standing in the middle of them taking pictures of an oncoming freight train. 
Questions
  • Did she hear the train approaching her from the back? 
  • What was she thinking? 
  • Was she thinking like one of those drivers who try to zoom through the railroad crossing, red lights flashing, bells ding donging with wooden gates blocking the way to the other side of the crossing? “I can beat that fucking train! I know I can!” <—-Famous last words of a guy driving a Volkwagen flattened by a four bazillion ton locomotive doing 60 miles per hour while trying to outrun the train through the RR Crossing. 
  • Seriously. What the fuck? 
  • It boggles the mind. 

I must be gettin’ pussified in my Old Age.

Dumbass.
***Thanks to @stoo11 from Twitter & News10 in Sac Town***
             

PETA Wants Roadside Memorial for Fish Killed in Wreck!

I am a fisherman. Correction: I am a damn good fisherman. More than fifty years experience will do that to a guy. Each time I head out to the lake, river or creek, I set out with the notion in mind of decimating the local fish population. Metaphorically speaking of course. Fish. Fear.Me. Having said all that, let it be known that I fastidiously follow all fishing rules and regulations when I am on the water. Fact is, I rarely ever even keep any fish after one of my fish-slaying extravaganzas. I practice catch and release 99.99999% of the time.

Going fishing for me is more like “going to Church”. I talk to God on a regular basis, but there’s something about fishing that brings me closer to the Almighty. I feel more at peace when I am fishing than at any other time. Is it the solitude? The calming effect of the water? I don’t know, but I do know that Jesus hung around with a bunch of fishermen,so it can’t be all bad.

Crying Over Spilled Fish

I bring up fishing today because of the following story from United Press International:

IRVINE, Calif. (UPI) — An animal rights group is asking a California city to put up a sign acknowledging the suffering of fish that died in a traffic incident.
Irvine resident Dina Kourda wrote a letter to city officials on behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals asking for a sign to be placed at the site of the October crash to recognize the suffering of hundreds of saltwater bass that died when a truck carrying the fish collided with two other vehicles Oct. 11, The Orange County Register reported Tuesday.

Kourda said she wants the sign to remind truck drivers of their responsibility to the animals who are “hauled to their deaths every day.”

“Although such signs are traditionally reserved for human fatalities, I hope you’ll make an exception because of the enormous suffering involved in this case,” the letter read.

“Research tells us that fish use tools, tell time, sing, and have impressive long-term memories and complex social structures. Yet fish used for food are routinely crushed, impaled, cut open, and gutted, all while still conscious. Sparing them from being tossed from a speeding truck and slowly dying from injuries and suffocation seems the least that we can do,” Kourda wrote. 

Fish Burger in Its Natural Habitat

 My Thoughts

  • Are. You. Kiddin’. Me.?
  • We are dealing with PETA and Cal-ee-forn-ya here, so, no, they ain’t kiddin’.
  • Fish are meant to be eaten. The Son of Man ate them and that’s all the approval I need to eat them.
  • It’s very difficult to make a Filet O’ Fish without fish.
  • Is it just me or is it really offensive to compare the fish that perished in a traffic accident to the loss of a human life in a traffic accident?
  • Re: the Dead Fish Memorial Sign, see the comment directly above this one. Also, when you see a roadside memorial that marks the spot where a living breathing human being DIED, doesn’t it make you keenly aware of the dangers of drunk driving or something like that? A sign memorializing dead fish lacks, shall we say, impact?
  • If I were to see a “Fish Died Here” sign on the side of the road, I’d get hungry and start looking for the closest Long John Silver or Catfish Cabin.
  • Members of PETA are also against dancing shrimp.
  • Go fishing and take home a limit then send a photo of your catch to your nearest PETA office just to piss them off.
  • Eat more fish.
  • Screw PETA.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Psychic Should Have Seen This Coming

Best of Dumbass News

Psychics. 99% of the American public knows that 99% of the “psychics” in this country are “psychic” in one way only. They know that there are plenty of weak-minded dumbasses out there who will fork over good money for a “psychic” reading, hoping against hope for some miracle in their lives. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in paranormal stuff, but I am not so quick to call Miss Cleo or one of her dumbass minions. But, again, some people put great faith in any old Miss Cleo, Sister Dora or Princess Jasmine and their “psychic” abilities, proving that many Americans are in fact weak minded dumbasses. Besides, you can buy a lot of beer and pizza with the amount of money you spend on one solitary “psychic” reading.

There’s a Rip Off in Your Future

If grown people want and feel the need to throw some of their hard earned cash on magic dog poop, a fart reader (like reading tea leaves except they read farts) or a “psychic”, I don’t give a shit. But when one of the charlatans takes advantage of a kid, they cross the line into “I need my ass kicked real bad” territory. Read on and you’ll see what I mean.

There’s this asswipe psychic in California (!) that was giving readings to a 12 year old girl !!! What. The. Fuck. That statement right there is a major red flag for me, but that’s just how I roll. Anyway, this boil on the ass of humanity psychic was telling this child that there was a terrible curse on her family and the only way to remove was to bring her parents jewelry to her (the psychic). So the kid did that. Several times. You can see where this is going. And it ain’t to Cash for Gold. The girls’ parents eventually caught on as to what was happening and called the cops. The cops did their duty and arrested this stoopid bitch and put her exactly where she belonged…in the fucking County Hilton, where she will have the joyous time of learning first hand what those Women Prisoners in Chains movies are all about. Enjoy the broom handle game, bitch. You so deserve it. Oh, yeah she was charged with fraud and extortion, so she’ll have a long, eventful career as a prison bitch. It couldn’t happen to a nicer dumbass.

A quick note to our “psychic” friend and future Cinemax After Dark star. You should have seen this coming.

Dumbass.

Buying Pot Online, Shipping It Via USPS = Bad Idea

Best of Dumbass News
Order Now!
I love the internet. I really do. If something can be done, it can be done on the world wide web, or the “3 Dub” as we international “3 Dub” blogging sensations call it.

Think about it, you look up the latest news, sports, weather, etc. You can locate long lost friends on sites like Facebook, do background checks on potential employees, do banking, buy pot…What? Yes, fellow Dumbasses, drug dealing runs amok on the internet. What in the name of the Patron Saint of the 3 Dub (Al Gore) is going on here?

Let me splain. puffpuffpasspass

Bluegrass State

High on the List of Cool Things to Do on the 3 Dub is gaming. Millions people from all over the Planet play games and make friends with others from far away places every day, even in Kentucky. The thing is that every Tom, Dick and Jim Bob with an internet connection and a $20 computer recently bought at a yard sale in the trailer park can access the web and do all kinds of stoopid shit stuff. Like buy pot from essentially a total stranger in a far away land named Cal-ee-forn-ya. My guess is that all Gomer in Kentucky knows about Cal-ee-forn-ya is what he “cyphered”from watching reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies and wondering how in the name of corn likker did they get those people in that little TV box.

Billy Wayne does, however, know weed and he has probably read, or should I say had somebody read to him, all about the killer herb grown on the Left Coast. This is where internet gaming comes in.

Johnny Jethro became friends with a Dumbass Out West by way of the Xbox Network for Idiots Who Have No Teeth or Socially Redeeming Value. So, what does Willie Duke do? He orders some pot from the Dumbass Out West – a pound to be exact – and has it shipped from Cal-ee-forn-ya to Korntucky! Via the United States Postal Service! Maybe Silas Curtis has heard this before, but Inspectors from the USPS have absolutley no sense of humor when some asswipe tries to make them look stoopid by shipping contraband across thre country by way of Snail Mail.

123 Main Street

Or was that 132 Main Street? Well, good ole Homer Goober got his pot shipped without a hitch – until it arrived in his hometown of Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. See those addresses I typed back there? At first glance, you can see where some one might get the two confused. 99% of the time this would not be a big deal. It’s the 1% that is a big deal that it’s a BIG DEAL. Big deal as in major prison bitch hood awaits me in The Cornhole Unit of the KY (KY! Prison bitch! bwahahahahaha) State Penis-tentiary big deal.

You see, Jimmy Jake the Internet Pot Guru lives at 123 Main Street in L-burg. BUT! The pound of pot he bought from the Dumbass Out West was delivered to 132 Main Street! The poor guy who lived a 132 Main was, to say the least, surprised when he opened the package that he thought contained that “special friend” from Big Bob’s Blow Up Doll Emporium and Green Stamp Redemption Center, only to discover over $2000 worth of Latin Lettuce. After the initial shock (and a couple of bong hits) wore off, Poor Guy at 132 Main called the local constabulary and Jakey Jim was arrested and will undoubtedly be the talk of the Cornhole Unit soon.

Advice That’s Too Late

As Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, the duty to counsel one of the minions on the proper way to avoid getting busted during a narcotics shipment, falls on my shoulders. It is, however, a burden that I was born to bear, so I do it freely and with great compasion.

Dude, there is a 100% guaranteed fool-proof way to avoid getting busted when shipping marijuana across state lines. Don’t do it, Dumbass! Good Gawd, son. You dare to call yourself a loyal member of the Dumbass Nation and pull stunts like this? Next time you decide you want or need an LB, grow it yourself! Do I have to tell you how to do illegal shit every. single. time? I am your Fearless Leader, not your fucking nanny.

Growing your own weed in Kentucky shouldn’t be that difficult to do and keep it on the down low. Think about it. Take away the populations of Louisville and Lexington and how many people actually live in Kentucky? Four? Five? Six, tops. See where I am going here? There aren’t enough people in the whole damn state (minus L & L) who would give a shit whether or not you farm a little “Blue Grass”. Why take a chance on getting popped for interstate pot selling and buying when you can grow it right out in your own Back 40?

To be sure, I am not advocating that any member of the Dumbass Community do something stoopid like grow pot (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Shipping your stash through the United States Postal Service, though,  is something that I highly recommend against. 

So, it’s off to the Big House for Frankie Joe where his new nick name (besides “Fresh Meat”) will be “Xbox Live”. And I’m sure his “Xbox” will be thoroughly “360”ed on a regular basis.

The guy is an afront to good, honest, hard-working dope-smoking hillbillies everywhere.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Uses Blow Torch to Rid House of Spiders; Hilarity & 5 Alarm Fire Ensue

Best of Dumbass News

Since I relocated the Dumbass Dome to Maine a shade over 6 years ago, summer has become my favorite time of year. Of  course summers up here are more comparable to spring time in Texas where I grew up. The average High/Low temperatures for this day of the year are 80/60. Not too shabby, huh?

Even, however, with the mild weather this time of year, the usual pratfalls of summer are evident. High humidity, sunrise at 4:30AM and of course the annual onslaught of bugs. While not nearly as buggy as Texas or other parts of the country during the summer, we still get our fair share of insects here in New England. Just like they do in Chico, Cal-ee-forn-ya.

Chico also has an abundance of Summer Time Dumbasses (STDs). Like Eiliya Maida.

Arachnid Assault

Normally, when a horde of bugs invade a home, The Orkin Guy is just a phone call away. On the other hand, some people take ridding their homes of insects into their own hands. Rather than call a professional exterminator, the Big E decided to save a few bucks and clear out a shit load of spiders that had made his casa their casa.

He should have called The Orkin Guy.

Let me splain.

Pest Control by Eiliya

OK, so these spiders pitched camp at Big E’s pad and something had to be done about the situation. Enter the blow torch. And hilarity.

Big E grabbed his trusty spider killin’ blow torch and accompanying propane when he went about the house blasting spiders with lethal precision. Until he got too close to some dried out plants. This is where hilarity and the obligatory house fire enter.

The thing is that E never saw it coming. Unbeknownst to him the plants ignited and begin to smolder which in turn set the the house ablaze! E went around to the front of the house to continue his arachnid eradication with the flame thrower completely unaware of the pending doom. His brother in law, however, saw smoke coming up from the house where E had just been bbq-ing bugs.

Five fire engines, one firetruck, an ambulance, a few volunteer firefighters and 25 Large (that’s $25,000 for all of you Yoopers, and you know who you are) in in damage later, the fire was extinguished.

Questions

***Spider Men***

Naturally, I have a couple of questions that need, nay, demand answers!

  • First and most importantly, does Big E’s Home Owner’s insurance coverage carry a “Dumbass Clause” and if so, where can I get one? That’s a query I’ll have to ask my long time friend in Texas, Clay Money. Clay is a State Farm Agent down in Midlothian. Like a good neighbor State Farm Agent Clay Money is there. 🙂 Clay, leave me a message on Facebook  about the “Dumbass Clause” inquiry. Thanks, amigo.
  • Next question, or as the Morons at Ace of Spades HQ, one of the best blogs on the Triple Dub (www.) with the smartest and funniest commenters (Morons) any where, say FYNQ . That’s pronounced “fink” and stands for “fuck you next question”. After writing that glowing review of the HQ and the Morons, I forgot the FYNQ. But it was a good one, dammit!

Before I get done here and head up to bed (it’s10:45 PM, 7/11/2012) trying like hell, and failing miserably, to remember what the FYNQ was, I will ask the post-FYNQ FYNQ of The Big E: haven’t you ever heard of using a broom to remove spider webs and then stomping the little bastards into fuzzy spots on the ground?

FYNQ.

Dumbass.

***Image from chicoer.com***