Category: camels

MLK & I : A Man of God & a Dumbass PLUS: Penis Cancer to End War on Terror!

Today we celebrate the birth of a great American – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dr. King was the most preeminent and influential  civil rights leader in the history of the United States, preaching non-violence and civil disobedience to help achieve his goal of “black children playing with white children”.

In Augusta, 1963, one month shy of my 7th birthday, Martin Luther King, Jr. gave one of the most famous, important and stirring speeches in the history of the world, not just this country. His words ring as true today as they did on that sweltering summer night in Washington, DC almost 50 years ago.

If it has been a while since you’ve heard the “I Have a Dream” speech from Dr. King, please take the less than eighteen minutes it runs to remember the reason we honor this man of humble beginnings as one of the most important men in the history of the United States.

                                                            The Dream Lives

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr…even though he was killed on April 4, 1968, he’s still making dumbasses out of bigots everywhere through his message of racial equality for all Americans.

I Ain’t as Nice as Dr. King 

While I am very in tune with Dr. King and his vision of equality for all citizens of the US, I am not nearly so tolerant of other kinds of bigots, like, let’s say, um Moose Limb terrorists. I’m not certain how the Good Doctor would suggest that we deal with these lovers of goats and mules, but I am quite sure that Dr. King wouldn’t recommend The Dumbass Way of Sending Terrorists to Their 72 Virgins, which on the other hand I heartily endorse. I suppose that two great men of vision such as MLK and I are bound to disagree when it comes to turning another human bean into a pile of smoldering internal organs. He would undoubtedly say ‘no”, I say, “Blow the goat fuckers to Kingdom Come and let the Almighty sort ’em out.” but, that’s just how I roll.

My Idea to End the War on Terror – Penis Cancer!

Repost from 12/4/11

A recent story published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has inadvertently given us the weapon we need to effectively end the war on terror! We, the USA, have spent hundreds of billions of dollars on weapons systems so technologically advanced that we were blinded by the obvious. Animals. Yes, those animals. Let me splain.

The Splainin’ Part

The JSM released the results of recent study that concluded that men who have sex with animals (yes, those animals) are twice as likely as men who don’t boff our furry friends to get penis cancer. Until I read this article, I had never heard of cancer of the weenie. Gazebo cancer, sure, but never cancer of Mr. Willy. The Huffington Post ran the story in more detail, but I don’t care about that shit. But I will pull a couple of quotes from it in a bit. First, as you can imagine, I have some questions about this study. Who the hell would even think of doing such a study? Some dumbass Brazilian doctor that’s who. Brazilians are sick bastards sure, but a study about slippin’ the sausage to cocker spaniels? That’s just fucking wrong. In order to conduct this study, Dr. Zequi (the Head Man Fucking Animal Observer) needed funding from somewhere. But from where? Private donations? Taxpayers? Gubmint grants? can and bottle deposits? Inquiring dumbasses want to know dammit! Now to the perhaps the most obvious and important question regarding screwing beasts of burden. Actually, it’s a two parted entreaty. Part 1: What in the name of all that is Holy would give somebody the idea to study men critter-boinking aardvarks? Was Dr. Z sound asleep one night and suddenly leap out of bed and shout, “Eureka! For my next project I am going to do a study on human-animal sex and the possibility that it could cause cancer of the schlong!” 
Part 2: Where did the good doctor find volunteers for this idiocy? San Francisco? Prison? The Home for the Criminally Insane? PETA? It couldn’t have been an easy task to find men willing to go through with it. Except in San Francisco.

Concerned citizens were very active in giving advice to animal pokin’ men. Take, for instance, a HuffPo reader that is all about mad monkey sex…literally. Here’s a portion of his email to HuffnPuff  “A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. “They might become more cautious,” said Sallie Graves, “but they wouldn’t change their nature.” That’s your typical PuffHo patron right there, folks. I would throw caution into the wind and bet a dollar to a donut that this particular emailer will not be voting Republican in the next presidential election. I have a real good joke to insert here but it’s pretty out there, so I’ll just give you a hint about it instead. Zoophilia, Obama, the First Wookie. I’m just sayin’.

War on Terror

I started this post off with a deal to end the war on terror. I have expertly lead you this far to get the answer with my unassailable logic and reasoning and because you are dumbass enough to read this far. Anyway…Through anecdotal evidence, we have learned that terrorists are very “friendly” with their farm animals. I have actually seen a video from an American fighter jet on a sortee to bomb the shit out of the bad guys one night and through their FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Radar) camera they caught a bad guy getting penis cancer from a donkey! If you know what I mean and I think you do. So the end of the War on Terror would come about in no time if we just dropped millions of packets of Viagra to the Splodey Dopes. They take the tool hardener and all of the sudden old Bessie the milk cow is lookin’ pretty. Damn. Good. A romantic evening ensues, the dirty deed is dine and the dumbass bad guy has dick cancer! Soon, his willie will fall off, he’ll die a slow, painful, miserable death and Satan will welcome him to his 72 raisins virgins. Is that a brilliant plan or what?

There is one slight problem with my plan to win the War on Terror, however. A survey of horny Iranian men concluded that out of every ten, only two preferred women. Camels beware!

Dumbasses.

Facebook, It’s Not Only a Social Netwotk

Pissed Off Camels Not Named Fatima

Allah is gonna be pissed when he finds this out. First, a little background. You are surely familiar with the recent civil strife going on in Egypt, right? OK, good. Facebook, as much as we may curse it from time to time, played an important role in getting out information that was otherwise censored by the government. Facebook was an invaluable tool during this whole Egypt thing.

Proving that dumbass knows no boundries, a guy in Egypt recently became the father of a newborn daughter. As you know, picking out names for babies can be a real pain in the ass for many people, but not our first Egyptian dumbass! With all the cool Arabic names for baby girls, like Fatima for example, this dumbass went and named his new baby girl ‘Facebook”. I. Shit. You. Not. The child’s full name is Facebook Jamal Ibrahi. That ought to go over well with the local Imam. I don’t give a damn what the guy names his baby, he could have named her Clyde for all I care, but Facebook? We could be entering into trademark infringement territory here, not to mention all the jealous camels in Egypt with names like Ralph and Frank. Nary a camel named Fatima. It’s obvious to me that our dumbass is a bigot towards Western sounding names. Next thing you know all camels will get names that will inspire more hatred towards the Western World. Just think of the repercusions that will ensue as a result of this wreckless camel-naming. What will happen if guys like our dumbass starts naming camels Sandcretariat, Sand of War or George Strait? The mind boggles at the thought. I personally will be on the lookout for camel suicide bombers or lonely terrorists who smell like camel sex. I’m just sayin’.

But, I digress. Back to baby Facebook. It was a dumbass idea from a dumbass Egyptian with a now lonely herd of camels named Frank, Clyde or George Strait. And maybe one “special” lady camel named Michelle. Dumbass.