Category: Canada

Canadian Dumbass Gets Drunk Then Arrested, Misses Own Wedding Cuz He’s in the Slammer

Best of Dumbass News

I get a big kick out of our Canadians friends when one of them pulls a stunt that’s dumbass-worthy. In Canada, that’s quite a feat because those hosers know how to do two things extremely well – drink and smoke pot. I don’t say that in a negative way, a few years ago I would’ve fit right in with them. Besides, I don’t have a passport and I’d need one to get across the border. Once I get a passport, I’d feel compelled do some serious “research” into the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. It’s a tough job, but etc, etc, etc. I wonder if I could write it off as a business expense? I’d be drunk/baked blogging about my “research”. “Research” like this could take two, three, maybe 5 years of unending drinking and smoking pot to come to an indisputable conclusion regarding the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. But, that’s a risk Id be willing to take as long as it benefited the “scientific” community.

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Until recently, Jonathan Atkinson was just an ordinary drunk and stoned dumbass Canadian. But, my main man Jon ratcheted up the dumbass to new, never-before-seen levels, even for a Canadian dumbass. On December 30, Jon got plastered and did the right thing and called a taxi to take him home.

Canadian Pacifier

Then, he fell asleep in the cab.

The cops were called, Jonathon  was arrested and the streets of Point Edward, Ontario were safe from one more drunk/stoned Canadian. This offense is an everyday Canadian dumbass occurrence so it’s not really worth getting worked up over. You’ll be happy to know that Jon was not about to let his fellow drunk/stoned Canadian mates down. Not only was Jon Boy put in the slammer 60 days, he missed his own wedding due to his incarceration!

 Jonny, dumbasses everywhere salute you for sticking to your drunk/stoned Canadian principles and missing out of what could have been the worst mistake of your life! No, dumbass, not for getting a 60 day jail term, but for getting a 60 day jail term and missing your own wedding!  Fuckin’ A genius! I never missed one of my weddings by getting drunk/stoned and arrested. I had to get hammered to just show up at the wedding! Now that I think about it, I don’t know who’s the bigger dumbass, me or Jon. Him for missing his wedding or me for showing up to mine. Now, I’m depressed. I don’t drink, but I need a beer.

Dumbass.

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UPDATE: Dumbass Pressure Pays Off! Big Gubmint Backs Down!

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a bunch of Sissy Fwench Canadians getting their T-back panties in a wad over a guy’s front yard garden. Here’s a photo of the garden in question:

I am still not sure why, other than the fact that they are Sissy Fwench pussies, these dumbasses were so upset about this garden. I mean look at it! It’s frakkin’ great! I know I’d just hate to have something that disgusting in my front yard. I hope you can see the oozing sarcasm there.

Dumbasses – 1  Sissy Fwench Pussies – 0

The story I wrote about this obvious clusterfuck was the catalyst in forcing these girly men and manly girls into reversing their decision to coerce The Guy to remove his garden. OK, OK. Several thousand Non Sissy Fwench Canadians who chimed in on the deal by notifying the dickweeds who came up with this garden ban in the first place that this would not stand.

Here’s a short article with details on how the Sissy Fwench Canadian Pussies folden like a cheap prom dress:

“Dear Kitchen Gardener,

At the risk of sounding immodest, let me say just this: we ROCK!

By “we” I mean the over 30,000 gardeners who took action over the past three weeks in support of the food garden cause. Together, we helped win not just one victory but two.  The first and most important was the Drummondville front yard garden case which attracted over 30,000 petition signatures, significant international media attention and what seemed to be an endless parade of supportive emails (I stopped counting after the first 200).  Earlier this week, the Drummondville Municipal Council announced that henceforth front yard kitchen gardens will be allowed and have even invited gardeners, Josée Landry and Michel Beauchamp, to help shape the city’s new guidelines for urban food gardens. You can see the news story translated here and Josée and Michel’s blog post here. I am convinced that this victory will prove to be a landmark case that will influence urban agriculture in a positive way, not just in Canada but around the world. So let me join Josée and Michel in thanking you for all your support and good wishes.

And for the frosting on our celebratory cake (carrot, of course), we learned last week that we pulled off a surprising come-from-behind victory in the “Do Good Outdoors” contest thanks to the nearly 1200 people who voted for our entry. We were 3rd out of 115 going into the final day of voting but when the dust had finally settled and all the votes were verified, we finished in 1st place! We’ll use the $5000 prize and the publicity in Good magazine to help plant more school and community gardens. So thank you one and all for helping us and gardens to come out on top!

I hope you’ll join me (virtually or in person) in celebrating these victories and kitchen gardens in general on World Kitchen Garden Day (facebook link) on Sunday, August 26th.  We’ve worked hard and it’s time to party!

Very best wishes,

Roger

This, Dumbasses, is what happens when Dumbasses of all stripes come together as one lethal fighting force (metaphorically speaking of course) and challenge the would-be “Masters” of our own destinies. Fuck. Them.

We have, at last count, 1495 Canadian Dumbasses in our numbers. I am certain that they were well represented in the over 30 thousand Dumbasses who bitch slapped the Town Council or what the hell ever they have in Drummondville (the scene of the almost Commie Crime)/.

In addition to the bone-crushing pressure applied by the Dumbass Horde, most of the credit goes to Kitchen Gardeners International  for getting this story out there for the international community to see and respond to. Great job, Kitchen Gardeners!

As your Fearless Leader, I feel compelled and obligated to bestow Honorary Dumbass Status on all who participated in this near-criminal over reach of the Drummondville and set an example of what activism can accomplish when applied with great prejudice on the appropriate person or persons. like Ronald Reagan said, “if you can’t make ’em see the light, make ’em feel the heat”

The city “leaders” of Drummondville felt the heat so intimately that they all have scorch marks on the panties.

Dumbasses.

Dumbasses Unite!!! Sissy Fwench Canadians Try to Make Front Yard Garden Illegal!

I am pissed off. And this is not a good thing for the offending party. Especially if the offending party is a foreign entity, say, like a bunch of Dumbasses who run a city with all the gusto of your friendly neighborhood dictator. What ‘s even worse is that they are going after a guy’s garden! I am from Texas and there are a few things that the gubmint don’t jack with – a man’s house or land, his family his horse, his awl well, his beer and his garden. If the story I am about to pass on to you happened back home in the Lone Star State, you could expect an armed standoff with the commies trying to fuck with a man’s garden. A drunk, pissed off well-armed Texan is not an adversary one should expect to be very cordial.

To make matters worse, this ordeal is taking place in Canada. In Quebec Province. Drummondville, Quebec, Canada to be exact. In case you had for gotten or are not familiar with Quebec. It is Fwench Canadian. Very Fwench. And hoity toity. Holier than thou kinda stuff. Why do these Dumbasses think they are better than your average Canuck? Because they are of Fwench heritage! Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were of Fwench blood, I would hide that fact like the Ancient Jews hid the Ark of the Covenant. From my perpsective, however, being Fwench is just another reason for me to blast these Dumbass-ois into oblivion. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Gubmint Gone Gonzo

Rather try to explain the deal. Here’s the post in its entirety from boingboing.net :

Earlier this year, Josée Landry and Michel Beauchamp of Drummondville, Quebec planted the front yard of the future: a gorgeous and meticulously-maintained edible landscape full of healthy fruits and vegetables. Now they’re being ordered by town officials to remove most of their gardens (town code states that a vegetable garden can’t occupy more than 30% of the area of a front yard) in the next two weeks to make their yard conform with newly harmonized town code. Front yard kitchen gardens are not the problem; they’re part of the solution to healthier and more sustainable communities.

You wanna see what the pussy town officials are pissing their Fwench panties over?


Sacre bleu!
Bleu Cheese! Blue berries! BTW, did you know that “sacre bleu” means “blue blood” in Fwench? “Blue blood” or “I am Fwench and I am a bitch ass Commie pussy who revels in the misery of others or ruining their lives because I live a miserable Fwench pussy existence”.  I forget which is the  correct definition, but I’ll go with the latter.

The Drummondville town officials are probably all wee wee’d up over this garden because they can’t do something this cool and think that if they can’t do it/have it, then nobody should! I mean, c’mon, what can a Fwench Canadian actually do except be a pussy or a bully? Nothing!

My Ideas

I have a couple of ideas that the gardeners should embrace.

  1. Kill all complaining neighbors. But only if they are Fwench Canadian. Like we say in Texas, “only kill people who deserve killin'”. If that seems a bit harsh, then just send your little girl over to threaten to kick all the male members of the house asses. You’ll see a white surrender flag go up quicker than a hiccup. Remember, Fwench people and their progeny are pussies.
  2. If there’s no legal way out of this bullshit for the Garden Guys, they should have the World’s Biggest Front Yard Garden Veggie and Fruit Sale in the History of Drummondville,Quebec, Fwench Canada, then follow Idea #1. Those pussies still need an ass kickin’.
  3. Follow whatever Dumbass Rules the Fwench Commie Town Officials dictate to you then open up an  Open Air Strip Club in place of the garden that has been removed.Wait. Scratch this idea. It will prolly gain Town Officials’ approval. Still, strippers would be a nice addition to the cucumbers in the garden, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
  4. PETITION: Stop the War on Front Yard Vegetable Gardens Sign that petition. With the full power and wrath of the Dumbass Horde staring those Fwench Knob Slobberers  smack  dab in the eyeballs, they’ll fold like a cheap tent. Or get beat up by little girls.
  5. Move to Texas.

Remember, Fellow Dumbasses: If they outlaw front yard  gardens, then only outlaws will have front yard gardens!

And Town Officials in Drummondville,Quebec, Fwench Pussy Canada can kiss my derriere.

Dumbasses.

 

Dumbass Week in Review – How I Survived a Coup d’ Blog!

The Dumbass Horde Battle Flag – Never Surrender!

This was one weird ass week at Dumbass News. Things just seemed about a half a second out of sync with real time. Was it only me who felt that way? 

Other than being one step short of a Texas Two Step, this week was indeed quite different from your “normal” week at Dumbass News. bwahahahahahahahahahaha! I just made a funny! I used the words “normal”  and Dumbass News in the same sentence! har har har! And it’s now stuck in the ether forever! GUFFAW!!!

Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment. 


That’s normal for me. 


THIS WEEK’S DUMBASSERY

The week started off innocently enough with a simple, heartfelt Happy Mothers Day from me, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Then was the story of some Dumbass down in Texas trying to
rob a Police Station! The stoopid fuck is lucky that once the cops stopped laughing at him that they didn’t have an “accidental” shooting in which he was the shoot-ee, or as the Cops in Texas called guys like this, “Target Practice”.

Then was a Grammy-deserving performance by a guy busted for DUI. His stage was the back seat of a Police Cruiser! Dumbass News has video.

THEN THINGS GOT STRANGE

See what I mean? Nothing out of the ordinary…until I posted THIS Guest Post from a Canuckistani code named “Drive Thru Guy”. DTG is a new blogger, about a month and a half into his blogging career and he has already garnered quite a following, so I thought that it would be nice and neighborly to steal some of his readers invite him to do a Guest Post on Dumbass News. The young man is a good writer and I was hoping to, as was done for me by some veteran bloggers when I first started writing about Dumbasses, steer some of you to his blog, lifeinthedrivethru. This was a popular post. Very popular.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!

Drive Thru Guy had sent his minions to my blog, Dumbass News, in order to overthrow me, the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde! Treason! Sedition, I tell you! The situation was so dire that I almost declared Blogging Martial Law. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

So, I wrote down my thoughts on being the victim of a coup d’ blog. It was the most chilling moment of my blogging “career”.

But DTG is Canadian, which is close to being Fwench, so the only weapon he brought to a Blog Fight was a white surrender flag.

I MADE THAT PART UP

But seriously, folks….It was a great pleasure (and worth a few extra page views, hahahahahaha) to have Drive Thru Guy share his view of the Dumbasses he sees every day while simply doing his job manning the drive thru window at a fast food joint in Eastern Canadia. I’m tellin’ you that hungry Dumbasses are mother fuckers. Just ask DTG.

Anyway, thanks to Drive Thru Guy and his readers, some of whom who actually came back for more Dumbass News after reading his Guest Post, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that his customers, like mine, are nothing more than a blithering, slobbering, knuckle dragging horde of people I am happy to Fearlessly Lead.

Dumbasses.

A Drive Thru Guy Dumbass Coup?

I’ll Find You, Drive Thru Guy!

Dumbass News News: Yesterday’s guest post from Drive Thru Guy from lifeinthedrivethru was a smash hit with the Dumbass Horde! After such an explosive Dumbass Debut, I think DTG now has his sights set on becoming your next Fearless Leader! He’s drunk on power! Drunk, I tell you! It was such a big deal that I shall now have to have Drive Thru Guy tracked down like a wild animal (he IS Canadian, so I repeat myself) and summarily de-gazebo’ed on sight! I have placed a bounty of nearly $1.98 American on those gazebos and I will not sleep until they have been dispatched! Upon said de-gazebo-ing, I shall have his newly-removed huevos (a little Meskin lingo there) wrapped in frozen polar bear shit and sent to the Penis Museum in Iceland! I. Ain’t. Kiddin’. There really is a Dicks on Display Place in Iceland – just hit the link back  <—-there. I will not divulge DTG’s exact location, except to the De-Gazebo-ing Mercenaries, but I will say that he lives in an Eastern Canuckistani Province close enough to Iceland that it will exponentially simplify the gazebo-shipping process.

If you pass through Drive Thru Guys window, DO NOT attempt to de-gazebo him yourself. This is a job for well-trained de-gazebo-ers. I would feel responsible for any injuries you might incur while trying to knife DTG’s nutsack. He is armed with a Top Secret Drive Thru Headset© that has more concealed weapons than Saddam Hussein, and is considered to be dangerous! Moreover, if you push Drive Thru Guy too far, he will spit in your food! He is a vicious, evil, maniacal fiend bent on overthrowing your Peace Loving Benevolent Fearless Leader and hocking a loogie (or as he calls it, “Secret Sauce”) onto your fries!

The Truth

It is true that DTG’s guest post was a well received by the Dumbass Horde and I was glad to have DTG share his wisdom with the not only the Dumbass Horde, but with the rest of humanity. His insight into the horrors of dealing with hungry Dumbasses at the Drive Thru should be a reminder to us all that….that….uh…er….I don’t the fuck know! But it should remind us of something!

Super size THAT!

Dumbass.

Guy on Probation for Child Abuse, Held with No Bail for Ruining Taco Bell Cash Register!

Guillermo, Taco Bell Employee of the Month, May, 2012

Writing a new Dumbass News post for a Saturday morning is something I do only when something good comes along or it is necessary to the plot. Today’s rare Sabbath Day foray into the World of Dumbassery is, believe it or not, both something good and necessary to the plot.

Please allow me to further edify the Dumbass Horde. For those of you who went to Public Schools, meaning those of you who went to Public Schools and didn’t stay past the third grade, to “further edify” means “Let me splain.” I specifically mention the drooling products of our Public Education System (read: Liberal Pussy Gubmint-run Indoctrination Facilities) because any Dumbass who attended a private or parochial school and doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “edify” either didn’t pay attention in class or is just too damn stoopid to do anything on his own. With the obvious exception of breathing. Even though breathing, however, requires no conscious effort because it is what educators call an “involuntary reflex”. “Involuntary reflex” can best be defined as “even the stoopidest of Dumbasses can do it without having to think about it.” Kind of like the Federal Gubmint at work.

Good and Necessary to the Plot

Today’s subject matter is good for the simple fact that it contains the most essential element needed in order to write a Dumbass News post. That of course would be a Dumbass. Our story is further enhanced by the added fact that it takes place at a Taco Bell. Any tale that includes a Dumbass and a Taco Bell is what baseball aficionados would say is “in our wheel house”. Plus, today is Stinko de Mayo!

Plus, today is Stinko Cinco de Mayo! There’s nothing more authentic than celebrating Meskin Independence Day with a shit load of Authentic Meskin Food from your local Taco Bell!

Except for two things.

  • As much as it pains me to reveal this to you, Taco Bell, despite popular stoned young people opinion, is NOT authentic Meskin Food.
  • And Cinco de Mayo is not a big holiday in Mexico nor is it Meskin Independence Day. I am not gonna go into it here, but trust me on this one, amigos. Meskin Independence Day is the same day as my birthday, September 16th. 
  • Cinco de Mayo is a stroke of marketing genius by some pale skinned gringo who couldn’t spell “taco” if you spotted him the “t”, “c” and “o”. And all you stoopid white people fell for it! bwahahahahahaha

The “necessary to the plot” means because I say it is so. That’s that.

I must admit at this point that, unlike most days when the simple acts of ridiculing and demeaning some poor schlub would bring me great joy (and a few page hits), I have a hidden agenda that I feel compelled to share with you regarding this waste of time and pixels, story. A confession, if you will. BTW, hidden agendas and confessions are also good for a few extra clicks. I am after all, not just a brilliant and ahead-of-my-time Dumbass satirist, I am above all, a capitalist. It’s all about the cheese, baby.

Speaking of Cheese (A Confession)


The actual confession I have to offer you isn’t earth-shattering at all. by coaxing you into reading further into the story, I used what we literary geniuses call a “hook”. You took the metaphorical bait and I set the “hook”. Got it? Now keep reading, Dumbass.

Upon reading about the Dumbass and Taco Bell, I immediately thought of a new Blog friend of mine – Drive Thru Guy. DTG, as his very close blog friends call him, has been blogging for only a few weeks and already has quite a following. Aside from his family, his other two readers are very excited about the possibilities for blogging success for DTG and his soap box. Oh, yeah. We also call him DTG because it gets real old real quick typing “Drive Thru Guy” over and over again. In addition to that, “DTG” has a feel of familiarity and friendship to it, don’t you think? ‘the handle “DTH” has stuck for another very good reason – we don’t know DTG’s real name! I do know that he lives in an Eastern Canadian Province and works in the Fast Food Industry. Hence “Drive Thru Guy”. It may be best that we don’t know DTG’s given name anyway. It’s prolly some “manly” Canuckistanian name like “Ian” or “Pierre”or “Eh”. Gimme a fucking break, I am sticking with” DTG”.

So, “IanPierreEh”, Drive Thru Guy, this post is for you, mon ami. <—A little Canuckistanian lingo there.

The Dumbass and the Run for the Border Order


What started off as a “normal” day at a Gainesville, Florida Taco Bell ended up being a day for the record books. the Police Record Books.

Suresh Chapman, a manly Canuckistanian name if I ever heard one (and I have never heard one), like many residents of this town that is home to the University of Florida, was felling the effects of having smoked a blunt, so he reflexively thought outside the bun and made a run for the border. There’s something about a blunt, manually assembled with the finest Colombian “tobacco,” that screams Taco Bell. So I am told. coughbullshitcough

So Suresh the Guy with the Manly Canuckistanian Name went to Taco Bell, ordered 37 Burrito Supremes but only 31of them were to have been made with sour cream on them! Keep in mind that Suresh, he of the manly Canuckistanian name, was stoned out of his mind when he placed the order, so I would venture a guess that he forgot to tell the Taco Bell Guy, or TBG, that he wanted sour cream on only 31 of his 37 Burrito Supremes. For clarity, I am only taking an educated guess at the size and scope of Suresh’s order, but I know for a fact have been told that some good Colombian reefer will turn you into Kelvinator Garbage  (meaning Taco Bell food) Disposal in a rather timely manner.

Suresh Has a Complaint

Anyway, Suresh’s order was somehow not to his liking when he got it and he proceeded to throw a fit like a stoned 3 year old when he discovered such. His temper tantrum eventually got to the point where he threw his soda (no word on whether it was upgraded to the “Sombrero Size”) all over one of the restaurant’s cash registers! I am no electronics wizard, but I do know that liquid and electronics do not make good playmates. In this case, they were “not good playmates” to the tune of $2500 damage to the register and $3000 lost revenue for Taco Bell. This is what Florida Department of Justice and Punishers of Dumbasses officials call a “felony”. 


Adding a packet of Taco Bell Super Red Hot, Especially for Guys With Manly Canuckistanian Names Taco sauce to Suresh’s already gaping wounds is a little matter of probation. You see, Suresh is currently on probation for a 2011 conviction in a child abuse case! He was promptly arrested and is being held without bail.

Let me get this straight. This asswipe that is breathing decent peoples’ air is on probation for a child abuse CONVICTION and is running around Gainesville, Florida as free as Gubmint cheese and he is held without bail for pouring a soda on a cash register! What. The. Fuck?! This is reason enough to de-gazebo the Boil on the Ass Humanity Judge who put this loser on probation in the first place. But that’s another story for another day.

May I Take Your Order?

I know that somewhere in an Eastern Canadian Province, in an igloo sitting by a warm fire with his pet moose Fido, eating polar bear cub pot pie, Drive Thru Guy has a tear in his eye and compassion in his heart for his comrades in arms at this Taco Bell 2000 miles away in Gainesville, Florida.

Who am I trying to kid??!!! DTG is, as we speak, laughing his frozen tundra of an ass off and thinking how easy the pussies at this particular Taco Bell have it in comparison to what he puts up with on a daily basis. That’s what his blog is all about – dealing with Canuckistani guys with names like Jean or Michele. Hell, if I had a “Manly Canuckistanian Name” like Jean or Michele, I’d be pissed off at the world too. Now you understand what kind of people Drive Thru Guy has to tolerate every day.

I almost feel sorry for him.

Naaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

Dumbass. 🙂

Those Wacky Canadians!

Barley Pop, eh?

I get a big kick out of our Canadians friends when one of them pulls a stunt that’s dumbass-worthy. In Canada, that’s quite a feat because those hosers know how to do two things extremely well – drink and smoke pot. I don’t say that in a negative way, a few years ago I would’ve fit right in with them. Besides, I don’t have a passport and I’d need one to get across the border. Once I get a passport, I’d feel compelled do some serious “research” into the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. It’s a tough job, but etc, etc, etc. I wonder if I could write it off as a business expense? I’d be drunk/baked blogging about my “research”. “Research” like this could take two, three, maybe 5 years of unending drinking and smoking pot to come to an indisputable conclusion regarding the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. But, that’s a risk Id be willing to take as long as it benefited the “scientific” community.

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Until recently, Joshua Atkinson was just an ordinary drunk and stoned dumbass Canadian. But, my main man Jon ratcheted up the dumbass to new, never-before-seen levels, even for a Canadian dumbass. On December 30, Jon got plastered and did the right thing and called a taxi to take him home. Then, he fell asleep in the cab because he was so lit. The cops were called, Jonathon  was arrested and the streets of Point Edward, Ontario were safe from one more drunk/stoned Canadian. This offense is an everyday Canadian dumbass occurrence so it’s not really worth getting worked up over. You’ll be happy to know that Jon was not about to let his fellow drunk/stoned Canadian mates down. Not only was Jon Boy put in the slammer 60 days, he missed his own wedding due to his incarceration! Jonny, dumbasses everywhere salute you for sticking to your drunk/stoned Canadian principles and missing out of what could have been the worst mistake of your life! No, dumbass, not for getting a 60 day jail term, but for getting a 60 day jail term and missing your own wedding!  Fuckin’ A genius! I never missed one of my weddings by getting drunk/stoned and arrested. I had to get hammered to just show up at the wedding! Now that I think about it, I don’t know who’s the bigger dumbass, me or Jon. Him for missing his wedding or me for showing up to mine. Now, I’m depressed. I don’t drink, but I need a beer.

Dumbass.