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Boy, have I got a doozy of a dumbass story for you today. If the dumbass were any thicker in this story, you could cut it with a knife. So, let’s get to slicin’.
A man and a woman recently took off from Utah heading across the country to North Carolina. However, this was no ordinary cross country cruise. On the leg of their trip that found them in Wyoming, the couple was carjacked by three men in a red SUV. “That’s terrible!,” you’re thinking. Yes and no. It’s terrible that the two were carjacked, but not as terrible as you might suspect. You see, our two lovers were hauling over $425,000 worth of pot from Utah to North Carolina. Not only did they get carjacked, but almost a half million dollars worth of pot was stolen along with their car! Dumbasses. This constitutes a bad day if you are a drug dealer. Totin’ over four hundred “large” worth of weed for over 2000 miles is stupid enough, but when you get carjacked and your Latin Lettuce is taken, too, we are getting dangerously close to dumbass territory. One would think that having been the victim of this crime and somebody’s very large cargo of chronic is stolen from you, it seems like this might be a good time to thank God that you are alive, despite being more stupid than a rat’s asshole, cut your losses and get as far away as possible from the guy who entrusted you with $425,000 worth of Meskin Marlboros. The Pot Guy just might be a smidgen miffed when he’s told his pot has been stolen from his trustworthy couriers. Why he might even be mad enough to, oh, I don’t know, KILL SOMEONE!!! When the Pot Guy finds out that you called the Police to report the carjacking, I’ve got this sneaky suspicion that he’ll become even more unhinged over this turn of events.
Have you ever noticed when reading about or watching one of those cop shows, that only dumbasses haul large quantities of drugs around? I mean aside from the fact that hauling large amounts of contraband is a dumbass thing to do anyway. These two dumbasses got carjacked, but I have read a hundred times that so many of these losers get pulled over for the most minor of offenses – not using a turn signal, a brake light is out, speeding…you get the idea. But the two dumbass pot haulers in this story get carjacked, lose the pot to the other bad guys and call the cops to report the carjacking, never once (apparently) thinking that the cops might find over $400,000 worth of ganja is their car? The couple and one of the other bad guys were arrested and put in a Wyoming jail.
This has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life. I’m sitting here as I type this, still wondering what. the. fuck.?! These two goofballs give even drug runners a bad name.
***Photo from LA Times***
Car thieves are a clever bunch. Generally speaking. The world of GTA also has its share of dumbasses who are not quite ready for prime time.
We have covered car thefts before here on Dumbass News and those stories have regaled us with many
seconds hours of laughter and amusement. Take for instance the couple who stole a car to use as a getaway ride after committing some credit card thefts only to be busted by the car owner’s boyfriend when he saw them driving the purloined Porsche as they drove up next to the bus he was riding in. Or the story of the guy who claimed he couldn’t be arrested for Grand Theft Auto because the car he stole was already stolen! Even Dumbasses on stolen golf carts are getting in on the action.
Now comes a guy who stole a car only to be thwarted by a transmission.
Here’s the deal.
Eighteen year old Anthony Reynolds was like any other Newark, New Jersey kid his age. He is a criminal. A car thief to be exact. Tony Boy had been waiting for just the right moment and just the right car to come along before he carjacked it and then sold it to the nearest “chop shop”, just like many other Newark teenagers.
|Automatic Transmission Preferred|
Finally, the Big Moment arrived. The perfect car and the perfect time. Anthony quickly seized upon this once in a lifetime opportunity. He brandished a hand gun at the car’s driver, forced him out of the Porsche and sped off. Well, not exactly sped off. More like griiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnndddddd and sputter. The car our Dumbass decided to hijack was a stick shift. This is where things went south for Anthony and his dreams of becoming a Carjacking Legend in Newark.
He did not know how to drive a stick shift! End of dream.
Anthony quickly realized what was up and he eventually did speed off, but he sped off on foot not in the Porsche. It is my considered opinion that “speeding off” on foot is nowhere near a fast as speeding off in an $80,000 sports car that goes from standing still to 60 MPH in just over six seconds. My theory on foot speed versus Porsche speed proved correct when Anthony was arrested a short time later. Still on foot.
Luck Favors a Prepared Mind
That’s one of my favorite sayings. Luck favors a prepared mind. Profound, ain’t it?
Now if only Tony Poo has planned ahead and knew how to drive a stick, he might not be in the jam he is in today. If he had only taken about ten minutes of GTA stick shift training from a more experienced thug…But, he didn’t and now he’s a Prison Bitch
Maybe Anthony should have started of with something small, like a Volkswagen or Toyota. Oh, wait. Many of those come with standard transmissions as well.
Anthony was fucked from the get go.
Alas, his dreams shattered and his prison bitchery assured, Anthony Reynolds will rue the day he tried to jack a German-made sports car with a stick shift.
Maybe Tony Poo can take automotive classes in the Big House in between ass reamings and learn the intricacies of the modern manual tranny. And by tranny, I don’t mean other prison bitches.