Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la.
Tis also the season to be a Dumbass.
Let me splain.
When I say “mayhem”, I am of course mean “rioting”. Have you seen some of the shit that happens when a mob of bargain-starved idiots converge upon a single place with each member of the savage throng clamoring for one of what is a limited number of the latest Sale of a Lifetime (!) item? The pushing, the shoving, the cussing, the crush of humanity….and that’s just the Little Old Ladies!
Don’t believe me? Here’s a video from the just-passed Black Friday where a large number of shoppers
go on a rampage share a common desire for a cell phone of which there is an inadequate supply.
I’d rather eat tofu wrapped in beef liver that’s been hermetically sealed in a Mason jar and exposed to the Texas sun for the entire month of July than to go through a scene like that.
I don’t like to shop. Especially at this time of year.
Saved by the Internet!
One of the beauties of the Triple W (that’s “www.” for the Yoopers in the audience) is that you can avoid holiday shopping crowds like a Liberal avoids logic by shopping online, right in the comfort of your own bathroom. Say what?
CashStar, which calls itself “a digital gifting and incentives partner for retailers”, spent a boatload of money for a survey seeking detailed information on people’s shopping habits. The survey revealed that almost 17 million people have shopped via a mobile device while standing in the retailer’s physical store; 9 million have secretly shopped while in a business meeting; and 4 million have shopped online while driving a car. While driving a car? Are you fucking kiddin’ me? That’s four million people who must, by coercion if necessary, be spayed or neutered, never to produce another human bean with that kind of DNA. I’m just sayin’.
The survey was conducted online nationwide by Harris Interactive on behalf of CashStar from Nov. 6-8, among 2,104 U.S. online adults ages 18 and older. The calculation was based on the U.S. Census Bureau’s 2011 Census, which estimates there are 237,744,632 million adults ages 18 and older residing in the United States.
You know what else was determined from this survey? That more than thirty-eight million of you have done some online shopping while sitting on the toilet! Shopping a load while dropping a load. Cell phones and iPads have replaced magazines as reading media of choice when it comes to taking a doo doo.
As a life-long magazine in the toilet kind of guy, I am saddened by this tragic turn of events.
Thirty. Eight. Million.