It was bound to happen again.
Back in September, 2012 (the 2nd Birthday of Dumbass News), I regaled you with the tale of a woman who felt like she was being shunned by her boyfriend. The chick was starving for attention. After much emotional neglect from said boyfriend, she devised a unique way to renew his interest in her. She poisoned him! With nose drops.
To be sure, I am not a big fan of poisoning another human bean in order to attract his or her attention. In this particular case, it appears to me that a more effective, and non-lethal, method of gaining notice from the boyfriend would have been to have made a special dinner for him or perhaps to buy some slutty Catholic School Girl lingerie.
But that’s just me.
Here We Go Again
Today’s story is eerily similar to the one I just told you about. Simply, change the word “boyfriend” to “step mother” and it’s basically the same deal.
The pissed off female in today’s post is Alexis Jennings of Casper, Wyoming. Getting their information from an arrest affidavit, trib.com reveals some of the facts of this case: Jennings, 18, began slipping the drops into her stepmother’s tea and coffee in July 2012. By the time Jennings was arrested in November, the alleged victim had involuntarily consumed about 20 bottles of Visine and was subsequently hospitalized twice.
The obvious question here is why in the name of all that is Holy would a young lady with her whole life in front of her want to poison to death her step mother? Physical abuse? Wire hangers? No! Alexis wanted her step mom pushing up daisies because the Wicked Old Step Mother aid something not nice about Alexis’ boyfriend! Well, hell, that explains everything!
The Trib story continues, at first, Jennings told the deputy, she just wanted to make the alleged victim sick, but she eventually determined she’d rather the woman die. Over time, Jennings reportedly increased the dosage from one-sixth of a bottle to one-fourth of a bottle.
Ways to Avoid the Temptation of Killing Your Step Mother
- Ignore her and dismiss any negative things she says about your significant other.
- Ask her nicely to shut the fuck up.
- Listen to what she says. Maybe Step Mom is right and you need a new boyfriend.
- Kick her ass. This method of murder avoidance is a one time deal. If after you pound her face to a bloody pulp she persists in her unacceptable behavior, then and only then is it permissible to escalate your attacks on her to homicidal levels.
- Just kidding about the homicide thing in Number 4.
- Count to 10.
- Move out.
- Kill yourself.
I offer to you these alternatives to killing one of God’s children as a Public Service. It is incumbent upon me as your Fearless Leader to do so, to offer you inner peace when the fires of rage envelope your soul. I am here for you always.
If, at this point, all else fails, then it’s time to fucking go postal.