Category: Catholic Curch

How Dumbasses "Celebrate" Easter!

Here’s a Dumbass Easter Story I wrote just after Easter Sunday last year.
 
Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.

To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.

Briefly Personal

I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.

I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.

Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!

Mayhem in the Blues City 

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass

News! 

One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!

This is when the real fun started.

What Would Jesus Do?

WWJD is  not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.

The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.

Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.

Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.

Happy Easter, Annette!

Dumbass.

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Crackin’ Open Eggs & Skulls on Easter!

Amen




Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.

To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.

Briefly Personal

I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.

I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.

Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!

Mayhem in the Blues City

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass News! 

One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!

This is when the real fun started.

What Would Jesus Do?

WWJD is  not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.

The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.

Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.

Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.

Happy Easter, Annette!

Dumbass.

St. Patrick’s Day Facts & a Dumbass Priest!

Stain on My Church

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Dumbasses! Today is a great day for all Americans of Irish descent. Tis a day to honor the Patron Saint of Ireland by eating corned beef, cabbage and potatoes. Personally, I’d rather have some red beans and Meskin cornbread. But then again I ain’t Irish and I hate corned beef. But I digress. St. Patrick’s Day also means drinking plenty of the amber current, which for all you dumbasses in Cal-ee-forn-ya means “beer”. Green beer specifically. And, no, I don’t mean some Schlitz that’s been sitting around the trailer in an open can for the last six months. Dumbasses.

St. Patrick Facts 

I live about two hours from Boston which has a large population of people of Irish heritage, so I know about St. Patrick. See: Boston Celtics as an example. The C’s, as many New Englanders call them, have as their mascot a leprechaun and a shamrock. I do wonder why the Red Sox aren’t called the Shamrocks or Green Beers or something. Again, I digress.

Anyway, St. Patrick was the dude who drove the homos out of Ireland and did some other saintly stuff during the 5th century. Stuff like invent green beer. And corned beef. I hate corned beef. He also had a walking stick that grew into a living tree. No kiddin’. St. Pat was a hip guy, I tell ya.

There’s a brief history of St. Patrick and now on to today’s dumbass!

Father Dumbass 
Before I go any further, I want to state that I am a Roman Catholic. I love my Church and Jesus and all that religious stuff. What you are about to read is in no way meant as disrespectful to the Church, the Pope or Saint Jim Bob. Today’s story is directed solely at one priest who is by any definition, a dumbass.

Father Michael Pfleger of St. Sabina Catholic Church in Chicago is at it again. This is the same priest who hangs around with the Rev Jeremiah Wright. Wright is a dumbass, too, but that’s another story for another time. But I will say that the Rev is a commie, America-hating racist who spews hate and bigotry at every turn. And Father Mike hangs with this asshole. Oh. I forgot. Father Mike is an asshole, too. If for no other reason than palling around with the Rev and preaching at the Rev’s church. Father Mike also looks like a homo, the kind St. Patrick drive out of Ireland.

Father Mike now has his collar in a twist over what is going into some Easter baskets. What, pray tell, could be in an Easter basket that drives a man of the cloth into such a froth? Why, guns, of course! Water pistols and some kind of Nerf gun. Father Mike went so as to write a letter to Kmart demanding that they remove the offending baskets from their shelves.

Here’s part of what the good Father had to say in his missive: ” With the increasing gun violence in Chicago and across this country, I am amazed that you would choose to offer toy guns to our children to make them comfortable with playing with them. I am asking you to remove any baskets with toy guns in them from your store’s shelves immediately.”Kmart promptly told Father Mike to stuff it in his rectory. Good on Kmart!

A Shit Stain 

Hey, Father Mike! Do you know why there is so much gun violence in Chi-town? Because all the douchebags in charge of the city have instituted very strict gun control measures! That means that the law abiding people of Chicago are largely unarmed. And the bad guys know this. Being bad guys, they illegally obtain firearms and take advantage of the unarmed citizenry of the Second City. Get it? If you dickweeds would follow the Constitution of the United States and allow qualified citizens to carry a side arm, then maybe, just maybe, the bad guys might think twice about committing a crime. Even bad guys aren’t particularly fond of being blasted to Kingdom Come by Whitey or having their internal organs splattered all over Waveland and Sheffield. The bad guys harm the harmless, not the strong. That’s how things work, Father Mike. Ain’t that easy?

While I can agree to disagree with Father Mike on gun control, I still think he’s an idiot for doing what he’s doing about the Easter basket thing. More than that though, Father Mike is a shit stain on the very priestly clothes he wears. His actions show a man not worthy of serving God in the Catholic Church. Join the Rev in his hell hole of a “church”, Mike. You have besmirched the name of good men who Faithfully executed their Churchly duties as men of God and successors to St. Peter and the other eleven disciples. While I do not judge what is in your heart, as the Bible instructs me, I am freely willing and able to jump your shit when it comes to your actions. It’s Open Season on them.

You bring a tear to the eye of Jesus, Father Mike. I will, however, pray for your pained soul.

Dumbass.