Category: Cattle

Cow Sex Is a Sign of the Apocalypse!

Sign of The End of Time


The End is nigh! 

First of all, I’d like to ask you all to remain as calm as possible. This type of situation comes along only once in a civilization’s history, but the need to remain clear-headed and rational about the looming End of the World is paramount to dying with the knowledge that the Almighty is calling His people Home.

You may be asking yourself, “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, how do you know that the End Time is near when the prophecies in the Book of Revelations haven’t been fulfilled yet?” That is a very logical and pertinent question. And I have a very logical and well thought out answer.

I know The End is here because….please ask any children in the room to leave at this time. What you about to read will make you wish you had lived a more virtuous life. Your place in Eternity has been determined, but it’s not too late to find Jesus. I highly recommend that you find the Messiah ASAP, you ain’t got much time, Dumbass.

How I Know The End is Upon Us 

Fellow Dumbasses, I am not a Prophet nor a soothsayer, I am merely your humble Fearless Leader. You must understand before we all perish, that I would never deliberately lead you astray nor would I purposely cause panic in the streets of the 136 countries around the world that read Dumbass News without rock-solid proof. What I am about to reveal will undoubtedly be of historical proportions.

The End of the World is happening as we speak because….God help us all…because cattle are going crazy! You read that right. The End is here because the behavior of cattle is telling us so! You must be thinking that I am a nut at this point. But I am not a nut nor an alarmist. I am a man of Science and evidence and all the Science and evidence points to The Apocalypse.

Rock-Solid Proof

Remember a couple of days ago when I wrote of the cattle in Massivetwoshits that went berserk and crashed a neighborhood party and drank all the beer? That event was just a warning sign to us that Doom was inevitable. Today’s story is the confirmation of that impending Doom.

Don’t believe me? Just read on and you’ll start confessing your sins like Barrack Obama blames George W. Bush.

The Cattle Menace has spread to Pennsylvania, thus verifying what I had feared.

The sign of The End of Time took place at an intersection of two rural highways near Kittanning, PA. Traffic was backed up for miles as drivers from all over the area rubbernecked and bottlenecked at the sight of two, you guessed it, cattle doing the Dirty Deed right in the middle of the road! Yes, Fellow Dumbasses, cows were humping like rabbits in the middle of the highway causing widespread panic amongst Kittanning, Pennsylvania area residents! OK, well maybe “widespread panic” is a bit hyperbolic, but the Cow Sex did cause a traffic jam. By the way, a traffic jam in Kittanning means that both cars registered in the town were at the same place at the same time.

Local authorities tried mightily to “disengage” the cows, but it ain’t easy persuading a 2000 pound bull that having Mad Monkey Cow Sex in the middle of a busy highway intersection is a bad idea. So, the cops just let Nature take its course. No word if the cows were married or if this was just a Mad Monkey Cow Sex Liaison, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

The two cows finished their bidness then were rounded up and taken to a nearby farm until the rightful owner could be notified.

All’s Well

I, as your Fearless Leader, urge you to keep an eye out for any type of unusual behavior by cattle in your location. If you see such bovine shenanigans, report them immediately to your local law enforcement community!

If Armageddon is here, I’m sure that we’ll need an eyeball witness to corroborate the story.

On the other hand, maybe it’s just two horny cows out to “block a little traffic”.



Dumbass Young Men and Cattle – A Love Story

I don’t make a practice of naming young people (teens) as Dumbass of the Day, but these two teen agers in Minnesota have earned the right to be named as such. You’ll see why.

It’s winter time in much of the northern half of the country and with the requisite snow that comes with it, folks can get mighty bored. You know the old saying, idle hands are the devil’s workshop. The Upper Midwest was blasted by a blizzard a few days ago and two teens in Stearns County, Minnesota got real bored real quick. These two young dumbasses didn’t just sit around moping and bitchin’ and moanin’, no siree, Bob, these two young dipshits spent their idle time creating a business plan, and you gotta give them credit for being creative. Criminally creative, but creative nonetheless. Our junior dumbasses wanted to start their own farm and dairy business, a noble goal if gone about it in the right way. Therein lies the catch.

Eager to get a head start on their operations, our two young dumbasses went out and got seventeen calves…from other people’s barns! I don’t no how they rectify cattle theft in Minnesota, but in Texas these two stoopid fucks would have been dealt with quickly and severely. Just for the record, one of these idiots is 19, so he’s a Prison Bitch in Waiting as we speak. The other kid is 16, so his Prison Bitchness is yet to be determined. Here’s a piece of advice for the 19 year old dumbass, practice squealing like a pig. Audio-visual aids can be found in a movie called Deliverance. I’m sure Netflix has it for rental.

However, it looks like the closest our young dumbasses will come to a dairy farm is when they have “close encounters” with Leon “Hung Like a Bull” Williams at the Minnesota State Penetentiary. Have fun, boys! And say howdy to Leon for us. Dumbasses.