Category: Cell Phone

More "Dummies"! Outstanding Performance by a Dumbass While Texting

A Message for Dumbasses

Happy New Year, Dumbasses! 2012 is here and 2011 is a distant memory in the time/space continuum of life. Except for the Dumbasses. We still have more Fred G. Sanford Memorial You Big Dummy Awards to hand out! So let’s get started!

Yesterday we presented Dummies to some very worthy Dumbasses and today we have even more deserving Dumbasses waiting in the wings, or as we at Dumbass News call them, Port-o-Potties, to see which one of them will be the next Big Dummy!

Our first category today is Outstanding Performance  by a Dumbass While Texting! Yes, friends, even dumbasses have access to the latest technology, which should scare the hell outta all of us. A dumbass with a cell phone is not to be taken lightly. Unless you teach them to text. A texting dumbass will be behind bars (or dead) in the blink of an eye. That’s where this Dummy category comes in. You’ll understand more as I reveal the list of nominees for Outstanding Performance  by a Dumbass While Texting. 


Texting Dope Deals – The difference between a “regular” person text and a dumbass text is easy to understand. A “regular” person text will read something like: “Dinner at 6. Come by about 5:30″ and this text ends up on the right cell phone. Simple enough, huh? Not a for a dumbass it ain’t. A dumbass text goes like this: ‘We got some good coke. Come by 123 Main St. to get a few kilos”. This text ends up on the phone of ten year old boy! You know the kid. His Grandpa is a State Trooper! True story. Read it here.


Texts from Last Night – This is a Group Dummy Award, the first of its kind. The nominees are those whose texts have ended up on the website, Texts From Last Night.
There are some real dozzies over there and most of them are NSFW or safe for young kids. A sample text from TFLN? “I seriously found a rose petal in my vagina.” I ain’t makin’ this up. Oh! And that’s one of the more tame ones. Now I think you understand the nomination.

D. A. is for Dumbass You’d think a man in a position of Public Trust, such as a District Attorney, would know better than to use a cell phone (whose records can be traced in a matter of seconds!) for nefarious means. You’d be wrong if your DA was the DA for the Green Bay, Wisconsin area. Dude was caught sexting a woman who was the victim in a domestic violence case he was prosecuting! This is bad joo joo.

Our winner for  Outstanding Performance  by a Dumbass While Texting is…

The Dumbass D.A.!!! This man is a college educated, albeit he prolly got lawyered up at the U of Wisc-MadisonCommie-Pinko-Dipshit, man! The guy resigned right quick like. My question is this: Are these “sexts” a matter of public record? I’m just askin’.


Dumbass.

Dumbass Stranded on Island; Does Not Use Cell Phone to Call for Help!

Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

Today I have another good ole goodern for you to marvel at. I have posted this a couple of times and it always gets a great response, so I figured since it’s been a while since the last time it was posted, that our flood of new readers might get a kick out of it. You regular Dumbasses will enjoy getting yet another laugh out of my unmatched wit, brilliant satire and comedic writing talents. Or you just might need to kill a few minutes.

If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilliagan’s Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don’t about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to “print” a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911 or Pizza Hut. That’s just the way I roll.

There’s this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan’s Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That’s something that could happen to anybody, so you can’t call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian “Goat Man” Hopper. I ain’t makin’ that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, “Today I think I’ll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!” Goat Man did not say, “I’d better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry.” He took his frakkin’ Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his “three hour tour”, Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, “I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island,” Hopper said. “I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land … I didn’t want to spend the taxpayers’ money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy.” Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. “It was the right thing to do,” he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to “get some”? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

Also Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

Dumbass News: Week in Review

We had another great week in Dumbass News with some stories that other bloggers are too stoopid, or too smart, to post. Along with my pithy commentary and liberal use of vulgar language, we gave the internet an enema flushing out all the shit that was worth a damn. For example:

  • On Monday we had a touching love story of a pervert and his one true love – a plastic swimming raft.
  • Tuesday bought us one of the weirdest stories that we’ve ever published on Dumbass News. And it took place just down the road in South Berwick, Maine.
  • We also had the tale of a guy who stole some live lobsters and stuffed them in his pants! No word yet on whether this dumbass still has his gazebos.
  • I’ve been sick most of the week so I also reached out to the Wayback Time Machine to grab a couple of my personal favorites from last year. we learned of one Italian town’s plans to rid the area of hookers by, get this, cutting down the forest! Another good one invlolves a guy who was lost on an island for five days before finding out he could have used his cell phone to call for help.

Rest assured that next week will bring us more dumbass stories as only a true Dumbass like me can present to the world. Until then…adios!

Dumbass.

Dumbass Lost on Island – Fails to Use Cell Phone!

Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

I still have the flu and feel like hell, so I am gonna re-post one of my favorite stories from last year. This was originally posted on December 30, 2010. 

If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilligan’s Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don’t about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to “print” a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That’s just the way I roll.

There’s this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan’s Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That’s something that could happen to anybody, so you can’t call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian “Goat Man” Hopper. I ain’t makin’ that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, “Today I think I’ll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!” Goat Man did not say, “I’d better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry.” He took his frakkin’ Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his “three hour tour”, Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, “I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island,” Hopper said. “I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land … I didn’t want to spend the taxpayers’ money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy.” Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. “It was the right thing to do,” he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to “get some”? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

Also Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

Vexing Texting and Sexting

Cell phones. Love ’em or hate ’em, they are here to stay. Sure they can ring at the most inopportune time when you forget to shut them off or set them for “vibrate’, but they are extremely useful gizmos in case of an emrgency or if your on the way home and the wife calls and asks you to stop by the local grocery store and pick up a loaf of bread. Cell phones can be extremely useful in solving crimes also. Just a couple of days ago we posted this story about a dumbass burglar whose cell phone lead to his eventual arrest. Even the good guys get busted via evidence on their cell phones. “Good guys” like this former District Attorney that was “sexting” a woman who was the victim of a sexual assault and he was prosecuting the case. That’s a big no-no. That’s why his title is now former D.A.

Texting is “the next big thing” and has been for a while. I really don’t get the whole texting craze is all about. I mean if you’ve got something to tell somebody why don’t you call them?! It’s a cell PHONE, for Pete’s sake! Dumbasses.

My whole rant above was about texting. There’s a website that lists texts submitted by readers and posts them on their web site, Texts from Last Night. The texts on the site are sometimes laugh out lous funny. many are made up, I’m sure, but they are still flat funny. Let me give you a Content Warning: Many of these texts are NSFW! Here’s a couple of examples from the front page.

Sample texts from Texts from Last Night :

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

I am not making this shit up. These are actual texts from the commenters at Texts From Last Night. I am obligated to warn you again, that some of the stuff you’ll see at TFLN is NSFW and just plain old nasty. Go ahead and click on over and see that dumbasses abound in our great country. It’s a helluva deal. Dumbasses.

Oh, Boy! Texts Reveal Many Dumbasses in our Midst!

Use the Damn Phone!

Cell phones. Love ’em or hate ’em, they are here to stay. Sure they can ring at the most inopportune time when you forget to shut them off or set them for “vibrate’, but they are extremely useful gizmos in case of an emrgency or if your on the way home and the wife calls and asks you to stop by the local grocery store and pick up a loaf of bread. Cell phones can be extremely useful in solving crimes also. Just a couple of days ago we posted this story about a dumbass burglar whose cell phone lead to his eventual arrest. Even the good guys get busted via evidence on their cell phones. “Good guys” like this former District Attorney that was “sexting” a woman who was the victim of a sexual assault and he was prosecuting the case. That’s a big no-no. That’s why his title is now former D.A.

Texting is “the next big thing” and has been for a while. I really don’t get the whole texting craze is all about. I mean if you’ve got something to tell somebody why don’t you call them?! It’s a cell PHONE, for Pete’s sake! Dumbasses.

My whole rant above was about texting. There’s a website that lists texts submitted by readers and posts them on their web site, Texts from Last Night. The texts on the site are sometimes laugh out lous funny. many are made up, I’m sure, but they are still flat funny. Let me give you a Content Warning: Many of these texts are NSFW! Here’s a couple of examples from the front page.

Sample texts from Texts from Last Night :

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

I am not making this shit up. These are actual texts from the commenters at Texts From Last Night. I am obligated to warn you again, that some of the stuff you’ll see at TFLN is NSFW and just plain old nasty. Go ahead and click on over and see that dumbasses abound in our great country. It’s a helluva deal. Dumbasses.