Category: Charlie Sheen

Dead Granny, Beer & Hangover Cures!

In Need of a Dumbass Hangover Cure

It’s Sunday and the day after St. Patrick’s Day and I know you Dumbasses are hungover like Charlie Sheen after a night with hookers and nose candy. So, I’ll make it easy on you with another edition of Best of Dumbass News! 

Before we get to the meat of the post, I would like to offer some hangover cures as used and approved by a former Professional Drinker – me. Your milage may vary.

Menudo – Menudo is a Meskin soup that uses tripe (cow guts) as it’s major component. It tastes like shit, but if you can stomach a few slurps, it’s the hangover cure for Meskins everywhere. It works. If you have a neighborhood or Mom and Pop Meskin Food place near you, you should score some menudo

Beer – The Hair of the Dog. A rodeo warm Budweiser is best.

Pot – Is there anything a good fatty won’t cure? This is, of course, illegal, so smoke at your own risk. A joint will also make menudo taste like a T-bone steak. Double Hangover Cure! Spark one up!

Lesbians Need Penises – In this masterpiece, I profile a penis museum in Iceland. I am still waiting for a call from the Pulitzer Prize Dumbasses.

Dumbass Emeritus –  A lovely young lass named Alexandra is the only Dumbass Emeritus in the history of Dumbass News. The reason is simple. Alex has a website called WTF WiFi which deals with the nnicknames people assigned to the wireless networks in their homes and businesses. It’s a great site with some very funny WiFi Nics. WTF WiFi further proves that dumbasses are everywhere. Plus, Alex makes a little cheese off of such a simple but brilliant idea by following the KISS Theory – Keep It Simple Stupid. Outstanding.

Dumbass Hoarders and a Dead Granny –  This is a tale fit for the whole family with a valuable lesson at the end. Be sure to have your children at your side when you read this. They’ll be amazed by this warm, yet sad story.

Well, that’s it for today, Dumbasses. It’s a beautiful day here in Northern New England, so I think I’ll spend some time with my daughters and maybe start some plants so I can have them ready to go come Memorial Day when it’s finally safe to put them outside. Until the next time we convene, do something today that will make Dumbass News headlines tomorrow. You’ll make your family proud.



Sheen to Return to "Two and a Half Men"? CBS = Dumbasses

Two and a Half Men is one of the best comedies I have ever seen on TV. I am also a big Charlie Sheen fan. The dude has some serious comedy skillz. Over the last few weeks, we have heard all kinds of dumb shit going on with Sheen and the people who produce the hit show. I ain’t takin’ sides in this dispute between dumbasses, but it’s not like anybody didn’t already know that Sheen marches to the beat of a different drum. Hell, the guy’s been a “spirited” man for quite some time now. If the dumbasses at CBS thought anything other than ,”Gee, Charlie isn’t exactly a normal guy”, then I give them too much credit for being mere dumbasses. They are fucking stoopid as hell. Let me splain.

Sheen was fired by Warner Brothers for having a a drug induced orgy with a couple of Playboy bunnies, hookers or some such shit. In turn, Charlie was nice enough to file a $100 million lawsuit against WB and the show’s producer, Chuck “Don’t Call Me Peter” Lorre. Now the President of CBS, Les Moonves, wants everybody to play nice and resume production on the show ASAP. CBS and Warner Brothers are dumbasses of the highest order here. They fire the guy, call him everything but a child of God and now they wanna make nice? Sheen played these dumbasses like Charlie Daniels plays a fiddle. Sheen is their meal ticket and he knows and they know it, too. If Sheen refuses to go back to the show, there goes dozens of jobs of the crew from the Director all the way down to whoever brings the coffee when called upon. Sheen has stated publicly that he feels the crew should be better compensated for their work. If he bolts, it’s AMF* to all those people. Then CBS, Warner Brothers and the show’s sponsors lose millions of dollars of income because Sheen is the fuel in the engine that is Two and a Half Men. No Sheen, no show. End. Of. Story. Dumbasses.

I have a feeling it will all come out in the wash because May is getting closer and closer. Why is that such a big deal? may is sweeps month where a show’s ratings have an impact on the price of ads that run on the show. Remember, we’re not talking about milk money here. We’re talking millions and millions of dollars. Trust me, there will be a reconciliation soon. And when Sheen returns, CBS and Warner Brothers will look like exactly what they are…..dumbasses.

* AMF = Adios Mother Fuckers