Category: Chicago

Chicago Gun Control Laws Lead to Bullet Wound in Weenie!

Chicago.

Chi-town.

The Windy City.

The Second City.

Gun Control Capital of the United States. Hence, Murder Capital of the United States.

Closing in on being The Dumbass Capital of the United States of America, but, for the moment, Florida has the most concentrated Dumbass per capita ratio in The Fruited Plain. Chicago, on the other hand, does lay claim to being The City With the Highest Concentration of Powerful Dumbasses in the United States of America.

A quick roll call of Powerful Dumbasses with Ties to Chicago:

  • President of the United States
  • Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel
  • Rev. Jesse Jackson
  • Jesse Jackson, Jr.
  • Father Michael Pfleger
  • Rev. Jeremiah Wright
  • William Ayers, Terrorist
  • Bernadette Dohrn, (Mrs. Wm. Ayers)
  • Jay Cutler, QB, Chicago Bears
  • Chicago White Sox

That’s quite a list, ain’t it?

The Powerful Dumbasses on The List better make room, because it looks like Chicago has a rising Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting and at the rate this Young Dumbass is going, he’ll be on The List by his 18th birthday. If he lives that long.

Gun Go BOOM!

The Protagonist in our Dumbass Drama today is but 17 years old.

Shooters of Weenies***

Our Protagonist was chillin’ wit sum hoes (a little South Side lingo there) in Northwest Chi-Town one night recently when he thought he’d be cool. And, as you might have guessed, by “be cool” I mean “do something extraordinarily fucked up”.

The kid with the bleeding weenie called the cops. He told them that two guys dressed like ninjas jumped out of a black van and summarily shot him in his package. Then he changed his story. Then he changed his story again. And again. He went on lying to the cops until he got tired of his weenie bleeding like a stuck pig when finally ‘fessed up.

The Young Dumbass was hospitalized and he’ll be fine in due time.

WTF?

The last paragraph in this story as written on HuffPo goes like this: As of Saturday, multiple reports indicated it was unclear what charges the boy would face, if any. According to the state’s criminal code, giving false reports to police could be classified disorderly conduct and punishable by fines.

“What charges, if any…”? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean “if any” like discharging a firearm within the city limits? No kind of “recklessness with a deadly weapon”-type charges? How about possession of an unregistered pistol? Granted, the HuffPo story doesn’t say that the gun is unregistered, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it ain’t.

“But, Fearless Leader,” you plea, “how can you be so sure of that?”

It’s really quite simple. With the kind of draconian and, in my opinion, unconstitutional, gun control measures in Chicago, along with the Commie mainstream media’s leftist bias concerning firearms, if this pistol was in fact a registered weapon, they (the media and every Illinois politician within range of a TV news camera) would have pounded that point home with Thor’s hammer.

Did I mention that the Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting came clean to the police about being affiliated with at least one Chicago gang?

“What charges, if any…” Really?

Fucking Dumbasses.

***Photo from Huffington Post via Alamy***

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"I Forgot The Gun Was in My Luggage" – Illinois State Senator Tells Airport Cops

I have openly stated on this blog that I am a political conservative. It is also well-documented on these very pixels that I will make fun of anybody at any time with the exception of my Mother, the Pope and Billy Graham. Why everybody except those three? In order: I love and respect my Mother, I am Catholic and Billy Graham is a great man and my Favorite Protestant.

With that said, it’s now time to play “Rub a Liberal’s Nose in It”!

Let it be said at this point that I’ll blast a Conservative when he or she is Dumbass Blast-worthy. Like I said, anybody, any time. This time the Dumbass in Question just happens to be a Democrat State Senator from Chicago.

Quick Facts: 

El Pistolero
  • Before today, I had never heard of Illinois State Senator Donne Trotter Bond, the man you’ll learn more about in a minute.
  • He is a Democrat from Illinois and, by definition, a Liberal. There are no other kind of Democrats in Illinois.
  • By all accounts, he is a good man who has been married for 26 years, has four kids and 6 Grand children. I am not here to impugn his character, just his judgement. And the fact that he is a Liberal automatically calls into question his judgement.
  • All the news sources I read refer to him as Senator Trotter, not Senator Bond. Senator Trotter it is.
  • I like tweaking Libs.

How Did That Get in There?

The good Senator was about to board a plane at O’Hare International Airport in Chicago Wednesday when airport security checked his carry-on luggage. Everything was hunky dory except for one teensy weensy detail. There was a pistol in the bag! I haven’t flown in quite a few years, but as I recall, packin’ heat on a commercial aircraft is what one would call a BIG no no.

Illinoisreview.typepad.com reveals The 19 yr state senator told law enforcement he had forgotten about the gun found in his carry on luggage after working as a security guard the night before. A Chicago police spokeswoman said Trotter is licensed to carry a weapon and has a current FOID card, however, the gun was not registered in Chicago.

Trotter says that he has a job as a security guard but Allpoints Security, the company Trotter said he was working for, has not yet confirmed to the media if Trotter was on duty the night before. If Trotter works for Allpoints as he says he was doing, the job is either new or not very lucrative. In April 2012, Trotter filed an economic interest disclosure form, and Allpoints Security was not listed anywhere on the form, including as not bringing in more than $1200. 

Questionable Judgement

And boy do I have questions

  1. How is it that famous people or people in positions of authority always forget that they have a handgun in their possession when they are about to get on an airplane?
  2. Allpoint Security, Trotter’s alleged employer, seems to be a major player in the security bidness in the Chicago area. In the company’s mission statement they declare that they utilize the latest technology and training methods in their day to day operations. This begs the question: if Trotter is trained in the latest and greatest security stuff, how in the hell could he forget that he had a weapon in his carry-on luggage? I guess he missed the class on remembering where your firearm is.
  3. Shouldn’t it be real easy for Allpoint to find out who was on duty at a given job just the night before?  This is of course assuming that Donne Trotter Bond even works for them.
  4. Being a security guard is a noble profession, but I am sure that there aren’t very many of them holding state senatorships like Senator Trotter. What gives?

As I wrote earlier, I don’t know this guy from Adam, and it may well be that this whole incident is much ado about nothing. I hope it is. Seriously. Unless the Senator is one of those holier-than-thou-the-rules-that-apply-to-you-don’t-apply-to-me asshats. If he’s one of those, screw him. Let the chips of Justice fall where they may.

The fact remains, however, that Trotter is now an accused felon. There’s no denying that he was in possession of a pistol while in the process of boarding an airplane. This act of stoopid-idity and the fact that he’s an Illinois Liberal (see Quick Facts above) makes him a…

Dumbass.

Dumbass Calls 9-1-1 & Threatens to Kick Cops’ Asses!

Best of Dumbass News 

There are some places and some people on the Big Blue Marble that are worthy of non-stop contempt and mockery. Other than the sons of motherless goats in the Middle East (I’m looking at you, Iran!), there are some other people and places that give me great pleasure in calling a bunch of pussies and twinkletoes. I am, of course, referring to Fwance and San Fransissy. It’s nothing intentional, but dumbass stories about the two keep pouring into my news readers and email at a rate faster than water barreling over Niagra Falls.

Is that you, John R.?

Fwance and San Fran are the gifts that keep on giving. Kinda like having Christmas every day of the year. As long as they keep on supplying the gift wrapped dumbassery, I’ll keep on rippin’ them to shreds and looking for the goodies in the box.

Florida Gets a Dumbass Pass

I would include Florida on the list of The Mocked & Derided, but the Sunshine State is somewhat handicapped when it comes to this “competitive dumbassery”. The deal with Florida has to do with its diversity. First of all, you’ve the Native Floridians.Plus, the F L A is loaded to the gills with immigrants trying to assimilate into the American way of life (legally) and even I wouldn’t come down on them with the full Wrath of the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. The kicker in this equation is the number of “transplants”, or as Real Florida-ites call them, “Fucking Yankees”, that have invaded the Florida Peninsula.  Therefore, even though I write about an abundance of dumbass F L A – ridians doing dumbass stuff, so many of them are Yankees that it skews the Dumbass Sample Size. I’m just sayin’.

Comin’ Up on the Outside Is…

Illinois! Chi-town and its ‘burbs to be precise. Not only has The Second City produced high powered Dumbasses like former Guv Rod Blogojavich, our current Dumbass in Chief and the Daley Regime, Chicago also turns out a healthy number of “regular” dumbasses. In other words, just plain old dumbasses.

Now The Windy City can lay claim to a dumbass who ranks a notch above “regular” dumbass and a notch below the more prominent purveyors of Dumbassery. If our Dumbass of the Day keeps up the good work....Oh, wait! He can’t ! Why? Because the Dumbass is is the Cook County Crossbar Hilton with $100,000 credit limit bond to help make sure that he enjoys a long vacation courtesy of the fine citizens of Chicagoland.

Today’s Dumbass, John R. Pacella, has earned his stay in the Cook County Slammer by going above and beyond the call of Dumbassery. This guy has gazebos the size of Dallas and a love of likker like a Skid Row Hobo, a very dangerous combination if not kept properly in check. Who am I kiddin’? John R. is a comode huggin’ drunk with about as much sense as a goat humping Ham Hater named Hussein.

You see, good ole John R. got all tanked up on some cheap ass malt likker named BlogObama Brew and began to feel angry. And brave. And fubared. That kind of Canned Courage can lead only to one thing…9-1-1! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, John R. got gassed and immediately picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1. Was he seeking help for his drinking problem? Nope. Did he injure one of his Big D Sized Gazebos? Negatory.

John R. dialed 9-1-1 at 4AM not needing emergency assistance, but he did tell the 9-1-1 lady that he wanted her to send the cops to his house because he wanted to kick their asses. After recovering her breath from a long bit of hardy laughter, 9-1-1 lady says to John R., “Sure thing, Sir! I’ll send them right over”. So the fuzz made the scene at John R.’s crib and out comes John R. strutting like a banty rooster who just missed being supper. The Peace Officers on the call tried to have a nice friendly talk with the dumbass, and he politely accepted their most gracious offer with a pleasant greeting, “I say, Constable, shall we have a spot of tea and discuss this matter like gentlemen?” Then John R. was heard to yell at the cops something that sounded like “Chuck’s shoe” or “cork screw” and then he shoved a Police Officer. The heat took exception to such a breach of civility and body slammed John R. onto the sidewalk, beat the shit out of him with their night sticks and said in a very surly voice, “Neener, neener, neener!” Everything after “he shoved a Police Officer”, I made that up.

But Wait There’s More!

Did I mention that John R. Pacella of the Chicago area is a registered sex offender? He is. I would go so far as to say that being a registered pervert didn’t help John R. curry any favor with the local constabulary or the judge who set his bail. Throw in the fact that the guy assaulted a cop and resisted arrest, and our man John R. Pacella of Willowbrook, Illinois, convicted sex offender can anticipate a very long and profitable career as a Bona Fide Prison Bitch. It would be a crying shame if the other inmates in John R.’s “home to be” found out that Johnny Boy is a rapist or child molester or whatever, wouldn’t it? They just might try to injure brother John R. Don’t injure the poor man you bastards! Cut off his fucking gazebos!!! One. By. One. S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Have a nice vacation, John R. I hope you make new friends easily. Or get a broom handle up your ass. Personally, I vote for the broom handle up the Hershey Highway.

Dumbass.

Guy Robs Bank, Forgets to Take the Money With Him!

Another day, another visit to the doctor for Mrs. Fearless Leader.

I am still caring for Mrs. Fearless Leader following her surgery from Wednesday, so between that and being Mom and Dad for the two kids while Mom is mending is keeping me very busy. Free time is at a minimum. I promise to get some new stuff out there in a few days, so please bear with me.

Thanks again,
Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

September 19, 2010, a date that will live in Infamy. That was the date that I announced the Grand Opening of Dumbass News. The world has never been the same. And it serves the world right, if you ask me.

The first actual post to this blog was published the next day. It was about some dumbass bitch that let her boyfriend have Mad Monkey Sex with another woman for his birthday or some shit. We haven’t looked back since. In the intervening 20 mmonths or so I’ve written about some real stoopid people who have done some real stoopid stuff.  Dumbass Subject Matte, or as we professional blogging-type dip stick call it, DSM, has ranged from The Frozen Dead Guy who is still on ice in Nederland, Colorado (I used to live there) to a recent incident in which a drunk lady hit a cop in the head with a plastic ding-a-ling, or as very lonely women call them, “boyfriend”.

Odd, That

I come across some insane material in doing “research” for this blog. “Research” of course meaning stealing shit from other blogs slaving away for hours on end, employing a highly evolved and technically intricate form of Google Fu (typing in what are referred to as “search terms” into a Google “search box”) known to very few men, looking for Dumbass News-worthy stories.

While I have written a few stories that feature plastic weenies as protagonists, I have, surprisingly, not come across too many Dumbass Bank Robber tales. I “searched” the Dumbass News Archives, located in the left sidebar of any page, and came up with only a handful of Dumbass Bank Robber stuff – one about a guy who took a get away bus after a bank heist. Another one about one of the Biggest Dumbass Bank Robbers in History who, after committing the crime, went on his Facebook page to brag about it!

Such is the life of a Dumbass Criminal in 2012.

Until now.

The Plan 

When you look back through history, the guys really good at bank robbin’, Bonnie & Clyde, Jesse James, Billy the Kid, etc., were meticulous in the preparation aspect of the heist. Every single detail, no matter how small, had to be anticipated and possibly dealt with at a split second’s notice. Of course 99% of your Average Bank Robbin’ Population (ABRP) just walks into a bank, hands the teller a note saying he has a gun or bomb and give me the damn money. Not much planning involved. Not only did our Dumbass Bank Robber in today’s story not have a very detailed plan, he didn’t have a clue either.

Let me splain.

Some would-be Dumbass Bank Robber in Chicago was anxious to get down to the bidness of being caught on video by approximately 2 billion surveillance cameras located in the bank’s lobby. I have never understood that. Don’t video cams take, like, you know, video and shit? Real live as-it-happened documentation likely to be used as evidence against the Bad Guy when, if, he goes on trial? But, I digress.

Anyway, after literally seconds of planning his crime, the Bad Guy goes into the bank, passes a note to the teller saying he has a bomb, give me the money. Now comes the hard part. the Getaway! His heart pumping like a two stroke Briggs and Stratton lawnmower engine, the Bad Guy makes good his escape! “The heat will never find me!” he shouts in head as he leaves the scene of his misdeed. The heat will never find the money either. “Why?”, you ask, anxiously sitting on the edge of your computer chair, the tension in this story building to almost unbearable levels. Let me tell you why. The. Dumbass. Forgot. The Money. Yup. Left it at the bank.

Now, I have never robbed a bank and the thought to do so has never been that appealing to me, but I think this ain’t the way it’s supposed to work, is it?

On the Lam

As of this writing, the Little Dumbass Bank Robber That Couldn’t is still at large.

All this poor schmuck has to show for his efforts is a shit load of cops and Federal Agents looking for him and that ever-fleeting moment of triumph – fleeing the crime scene looking like he was shot out of a cannon. Oh, what a high that must have been! “I did it! I did it!” echoing in the Dumbass’s head as he flies into Freedom a rich man.

Then a little thing called “reality” sets in. He. Forgot. The. Fucking. Money. I think this is the proverbial stop that ruins a perfectly good fall from about 10,000 feet.

Thud. Just like Wile E. Coyote.

Dumbass. 

Bank Robber Forgets Important Paper – The Loot!

Pending Doom

Sepetember 19, 2010, a date that will live in Infamy. That was the date that I announced the Grand Opening of Dumbass News. The world has never been the same. And it serves the world right, if you ask me.

The first actual post to this blog was published the next day. It was about some dumbass bitch that let her boyfriend have Mad Monkey Sex with another woman for his birthday or some shit. We haven’t looked back since. In the intervening 20 mmonths or so I’ve written about some real stoopid people who have done some real stoopid stuff.  Dumbass Subject Matte, or as we professional blogging-type dip stick call it, DSM, has ranged from The Frozen Dead Guy who is still on ice in Nederland, Colorado (I used to live there) to a recent incident in which a drunk lady hit a cop in the head with a plastic ding-a-ling, or as very lonely women call them, “boyfriend”.

Odd, That

I come across some insane material in doing “research” for this blog. “Research” of course meaning stealing shit from other blogs slaving away for hours on end, employing a highly evolved and technically intricate form of Google Fu (typing in what are referred to as “search terms” into a Google “search box”) known to very few men, looking for Dumbass News-worthy stories.

While I have written a few stories that feature plastic weenies as protagonists, I have, surprisingly, not come across too many Dumbass Bank Robber tales. I “searched” the Dumbass News Archives, located in the left sidebar of any page, and came up with only a handful of Dumbass Bank Robber stuff – one about a guy who took a get away bus after a bank heist. Another one about one of the Biggest Dumbass Bank Robbers in History who, after committing the crime, went on his Facebook page to brag about it!

Such is the life of a Dumbass Criminal in 2012.

Until now.

The Plan 

When you look back through history, the guys really good at bank robbin’, Bonnie & Clyde, Jesse James, Billy the Kid, etc., were meticulous in the preparation aspect of the heist. Every single detail, no matter how small, had to be anticipated and possibly dealt with at a split second’s notice. Of course 99% of your Average Bank Robbin’ Population (ABRP) just walks into a bank, hands the teller a note saying he has a gun or bomb and give me the damn money. Not much planning involved. Not only did our Dumbass Bank Robber in today’s story not have a very detailed plan, he didn’t have a clue either.

Let me splain.

Some would-be Dumbass Bank Robber in Chicago was anxious to get down to the bidness of being caught on video by approximately 2 billion surveillance cameras located in the bank’s lobby. I have never understood that. Don’t video cams take, like, you know, video and shit? Real live as-it-happened documentation likely to be used as evidence against the Bad Guy when, if, he goes on trial? But, I digress.

Anyway, after literally seconds of planning his crime, the Bad Guy goes into the bank, passes a note to the teller saying he has a bomb, give me the money. Now comes the hard part. the Getaway! His heart pumping like a two stroke Briggs and Stratton lawnmower engine, the Bad Guy makes good his escape! “The heat will never find me!” he shouts in head as he leaves the scene of his misdeed. The heat will never find the money either. “Why?”, you ask, anxiously sitting on the edge of your computer chair, the tension in this story building to almost unbearable levels. Let me tell you why. The. Dumbass. Forgot. The Money. Yup. Left it at the bank.

Now, I have never robbed a bank and the thought to do so has never been that appealing to me, but I think this ain’t the way it’s supposed to work, is it?

On the Lam

As of this writing, the Little Dumbass Bank Robber That Couldn’t is still at large.

All this poor schmuck has to show for his efforts is a shit load of cops and Federal Agents looking for him and that ever-fleeting moment of triumph – fleeing the crime scene looking like he was shot out of a cannon. Oh, what a high that must have been! “I did it! I did it!” echoing in the Dumbass’s head as he flies into Freedom a rich man.

Then a little thing called “reality” sets in. He. Forgot. The. Fucking. Money. I think this is the proverbial stop that ruins a perfectly good fall from about 10,000 feet.

Thud. Just like Wile E. Coyote.

Dumbass. 

Dumbass Calls 9-1-1, Threatens to Kick Cops Asses

Is that you, John R.?

There are some places and some people on the Big Blue Marble that are worthy of non-stop contempt and mockery. Other than the sons of motherless goats in the Middle East (I’m looking at you, Iran!), there are some other people and places that give me great pleasure in calling a bunch of pussies and twinkletoes. I am, of course, referring to Fwance and San Fransissy. It’s nothing intentional, but dumbass stories about the two keep pouring into my news readers and email at a rate faster than water barreling over Niagra Falls. Fwance and San Fran are the gifts that keep on giving. Kinda like having Christmas every day of the year. As long as they keep on supplying the gift wrapped dumbassery, I’ll keep on rippin’ them to shreds and looking for the goodies in the box.

Florida Gets a Dumbass Pass

I would include Florida on the list of The Mocked & Derided, but the Sunshine State is somewhat handicapped when it comes to this “competitive dumbassery”. The deal with Florida has to do with its diversity. First of all, you’ve the Native Floridians.Plus, the F L A is loaded to the gills with immigrants trying to assimilate into the American way of life (legally) and even I wouldn’t come down on them with the full Wrath of the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. The kicker in this equation is the number of “transplants”, or as Real Florida-ites call them, “Fucking Yankees”, that have invaded the Florida Peninsula.  Therefore, even though I write about an abundance of dumbass F L A – ridians doing dumbass stuff, so many of them are Yankees that it skews the Dumbass Sample Size. I’m just sayin’.

Comin’ Up on the Outside Is…

Illinois! Chi-town and its ‘burbs to be precise. Not only has The Second City produced high powered Dumbasses like former Guv Rod Blogojavich, our current Dumbass in Chief and the Daley Regime, Chicago also turns out a healthy number of “regular” dumbasses. In other words, just plain old dumbasses.

Now The Windy City can lay claim to a dumbass who ranks a notch above “regular” dumbass and a notch below the more prominent purveyors of Dumbassery. If our Dumbass of the Day keeps up the good work....Oh, wait! He can’t ! Why? Because the Dumbass is is the Cook County Crossbar Hilton with $100,000 credit limit bond to help make sure that he enjoys a long vacation courtesy of the fine citizens of Chicagoland.

Today’s Dumbass, John R. Pacella, has earned his stay in the Cook County Slammer by going above and beyond the call of Dumbassery. This guy has gazebos the size of Dallas and a love of likker like a Skid Row Hobo, a very dangerous combination if not kept properly in check. Who am I kiddin’? John R. is a comode huggin’ drunk with about as much sense as a goat humping Ham Hater named Hussein.

You see, good ole John R. got all tanked up on some cheap ass malt likker named BlogObama Brew and began to feel angry. And brave. And fubared. That kind of Canned Courage can lead only to one thing…9-1-1! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, John R. got gassed and immediately picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1. Was he seeking help for his drinking problem? Nope. Did he injure one of his Big D Sized Gazebos? Negatory.

John R. dialed 9-1-1 at 4AM not needing emergency assistance, but he did tell the 9-1-1 lady that he wanted her to send the cops to his house because he wanted to kick their asses. After recovering her breath from a long bit of hardy laughter, 9-1-1 lady says to John R., “Sure thing, Sir! I’ll send them right over”. So the fuzz made the scene at John R.’s crib and out comes John R. strutting like a banty rooster who just missed being supper. The Peace Officers on the call tried to have a nice friendly talk with the dumbass, and he politely accepted their most gracious offer with a pleasant greeting, “I say, Constable, shall we have a spot of tea and discuss this matter like gentlemen?” Then John R. was heard to yell at the cops something that sounded like “Chuck’s shoe” or “cork screw” and then he shoved a Police Officer. The heat took exception to such a breach of civility and body slammed John R. onto the sidewalk, beat the shit out of him with their night sticks and said in a very surly voice, “Neener, neener, neener!” Everything after “he shoved a Police Officer”, I made that up.

But Wait There’s More!

Did I mention that John R. Pacella of the Chicago area is a registered sex offender? He is. I would go so far as to say that being a registered pervert didn’t help John R. curry any favor with the local constabulary or the judge who set his bail. Throw in the fact that the guy assaulted a cop and resisted arrest, and our man John R. Pacella of Willowbrook, Illinois, convicted sex offender can anticipate a very long and profitable career as a Bona Fide Prison Bitch. It would be a crying shame if the other inmates in John R.’s “home to be” found out that Johnny Boy is a rapist or child molester or whatever, wouldn’t it? They just might try to injure brother John R. Don’t injure the poor man you bastards! Cut off his fucking gazebos!!! One. By. One. S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Have a nice vacation, John R. I hope you make new friends easily. Or get a broom handle up your ass. Personally, I vote for the broom handle up the Hershey Highway.

Dumbass.

Another Dumbass From Chicago

In Chicago, there seem to be two kinds of people, Democrats (see: Obama, Barack) and dumbasses (see: Obama, Barack), but I repeat myself. Michael James is the co-dumbass, I mean co-owner of a local eatery called the Heartland Cafe. Over the period of 18 months the bank account that James used for his cafe accrued $118,000 in overdraft charges! 118 Large. 118 Big Ones. A shitload. It wasn’t until six months ago that James realized that something in his bank account was amiss. I hate to excerpt this much of an article, but it’s necessary to the plot. From walletpop.com, here’s the scoop:  “James told WalletPop in a telephone interview that “non-sufficient Funds,” or “NSF,” appeared daily because credit card payments to the restaurant’s bank account weren’t credited until the day after the bank knew they were deposited, creating an overdraft on checks that James and co-owner Katy Hogan wrote. James declined to name the bank, which won’t lend him money. (No shit?)

“Somehow it’s the banks and how this is organized,” he said. (It couldn’t be that you’re a dumbass?)

“I didn’t realize the gravity of it” until six months ago, James said, when the overdraft fees became a daily occurrence at the restaurant, which opened in 1976 as a hangout for hippies. Footage of a visit by President Obama before he was president was used in his campaign. (It took only 12 months to see that you’re a hundred grand overdrawn?)

“I dug a deeper pit. It’s like a whirlpool sucking you in,” said James, who admits the financial pit he dug was his fault, but he also cites the recession and not hiring a professional accountant. (It’s George Bush’s fault!)

Here’s the kicker into an unrivaled level of dumbassery, “I have a sense that I’m going to be a better businessman because of this,” he said. Hey, dumbass, if you had any sense it wouldn’t have taken a full year to know that you were in deep doo doo.

The Grande Finale: “They gave us some of the money back because we have a bank machine of theirs” in the restaurant, he said. However, given everything that has happened, James said he doubts he’ll keep the bank’s ATM when and if he changes banks.” You.Can’t.Make.This.Stuff.Up. Dumbass.
**Thanks to Fotosearch for the image**