|Do Not Enter|
It’s another $%#@!^& Monday after a dumbass of a weekend. The weekend really wasn’t that bad, but it sucked enough to qualify as a dumbass of a weekend, mainly because the Baptists, the freaking Baptists (!) stomped a mud hole in my beloved Texas lLonghorns, 48-24. Ouch. But the Baptists deserved to win the game. The were the better team Saturday, mainly due to RGIII, Robert Griffin, III. That young man is a HOSS. I have been hearing about him all season but had never seen him play until Saturday. I’m pretty sure the kid will be playing football on Sundays next year. The weekend wasn’t a total bust, however, as the thirteen time NFL/Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers remained undefeated by edging the NY Jints at the final gun. More great news came from Stillwater, Oklahoma as the OSU Cowboys pasted the pussies from Norman (the Univ of Texas at Norman) or more formally, Oklahoma University by about a million points. It couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of assholes and traitors. In lieu of pissing off my friends and family back in Texas, I’ll not mention the fact that the Dallas Cowsissies lost to the Arizona Cardinals! bwahahahahahaha!! One more football note…how ’bout them Houston Texans???!!! They are 9-3 on the year and I believe that if the playoffs started today, would be the Number 1 seed in the AFC. Go Texans!!! Look for a Texans – Packers Super Bowl! I guess the weekend didn’t suck so bad after all. Except for a guy in Lubbock, Texas. The splainin’ follows.
The El Splain-o
This dumbass in Lubbock (but I repeat myself) had just gotten back home with his family after a long day of Christmas shopping or some such other stoopid thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for Christmas and Santa and kids and all that, but I frakkin’ HATE to shop. But that’s a whole other story. Anyway, this dumbass went shopping, fighting vicious and hostile crowds of some of the meanest, dirtiest most deadly creatures on Earth when it comes to Christmas shopping. Women and Old Women. on top of that, the idiot took his wife and kids with him. For you dumbasses that have no children or have never been married, first off congratulations and second off, it’s an experience that must rival meeting Satan at the river Styx. Christmas shopping involves an enomous amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth. And that’s just from the men in the parking lot!
Back to the main story here…our dumbass had just gotten back home from Christmas shopping with his wife and kids. As if that experience wasn’t traumatic enough, the guy goes to open his front door and guess what? Yup. Locked out. So, instead of calling a locksmith or having a spare key hidden in a potted plant on the porch or some shit, the dumbass comes up with a brilliant idea! “Why don’t I enter the house through the chimney!” What coukd possibly go wrong with that outstanding plan? The dumbass could get all yucky with soot and ashes and stuff from climbing down the chimney or he could get stuck! I’ll give you three guesses as to what happened and the first two don’t count. So, about 1:30 AM, his wife, who was waiting in the front yard with the kids while Daddy Dumbass got wedged in the chimney, called 911. Cops and hilarity ensued.
Perhaps almost most as stoopid as the dipshit getting stuck in the chimney is a quote from the Deputy Fire Chief of Lubbock. Here’s what this Einstein said, “Even if you would fit down the chimney flue, getting pass the damper assembly is — I can’t see anybody getting past that.” Ya think? With public officials like this and fine dumbass citizens like Chimney Guy, it’s no wonder that Texas wanted to give Lubbock to Oklahoma. But the Texas state gubmint couldn’t come up with enough money for them to take it.
This story is about something that has had me puzzled for years. Why in the world would any dumbass want to burglarize a home by climbing down the chimney unless he’s a midget dumbass? I mean the average chimney couldn’t be more than a couple of square feet in size. Wouldn’t that be a tight fit for any normal sized man? I stand 5’4″ and go about 150 lbs. I am not pudgy, much less fat, and even I wouldn’t try to go down a chimney to commit a burglary. That begs the next question. How the hell do you go back up the chimney to leave the scene of the crime? But, Toby, you dumbass, you could use a door to make your escape! If a man is dumbass enough to try to go down a chimney to steal some shit from some poor schmuck, then he’s too big a dumbass to use a door to get away! If he was gonna use a door to escape, why wouldn’t the dumbass just jimmy a door open to gain entry into the house? Only the dumbass knows for sure.
This question piqued my interest when I read the story of an Arlington, Texas man who tried to rip off a house by going down the chimney. His evil plans went awry when the dumbass tried to go down the chimney and he got stuck! I guess there must be a shortage of midgets who want to rob houses by going down chimneys. Anyway, the dumbass got stuck and then he knew he was screwed and wasn’ gonna get kissed, so he hollered for help until the Arlington fuzz arrived at the scene. The dumbass was extracted from the chimney and charged with burglary of a habitation. Also when searching the dumbass’ Jeep, they found some pot and the dumbass was hit with that charge as well. The key to this whole case is the pot. The dumbass probably smoked a little weed and then went to Taco Bell for the 24 tacos for $4.99 special and sucked all the tacos down like a fat kid slams a chocolate cake. After a couple dozen Taco Bell tacos, nobody is gonna be able to fit in to a chimney. Not even a midget crook. That’s my theory and I’m stickin’ to it. There’s a lesson in all this talk of burglarizing homes by way of the chimney – get high AFTER you pull off the job! Then go to Taco Bell! Dumbass.