Category: China

Squished or Not? Guy Falls Asleep in Back of Garbage Truck!

Best of Dumbass News

I have been telling you about the Dumbass Things that Dumbasses do for almost two years now. And no matter how weird the story, there eventually will be another Dumbass pulling the same Dumbass Stunt.

Today’s story is an encore presentation. Not of the Best of Dumbass News variety, but of the “some Dumbass was bound to do it again” type. Here’s the original Dumbass News story that relates to today’s tale.

This activity involves Drunk Homeless Guys and I’m afraid it’s giving a bad name to drunk homeless guys all over the country. As a former Drunk Homeless Guy, I am truly concerned about the sullying of the image of my Drunk Homeless Brethren.

I can not and will not stand for it!

A Fad?

“Hold on, Harold! I think there’s a drunk homeless guy in there!”

The activity I’m talking about is homeless guys from Portland, Oregon that get drunk and do something stoopid, like, oh, I don’t know, maybe crawl into the back of a Waste Management trash truck and pass out, thus risking being squeezed to death like a rotten tomato. This is not typical behavior for the seasoned Drunk Homeless Guy, so I can only assume it is rookie Drunk Homeless Guys ruining the fun of being a Drunk Homeless Guy for all Normal Drunk Homeless Guys.

Normal Drunk Homeless Guys may crash on a park bench or on the steps of the Public Library, maybe even under a nice comfy bridge, but NEVER in the bidness end of a garbage truck!

You can see where my problem lies.

I hope like hell that this is not a fad or some Red Chinese Communist Plot to ruin the good name and untarnished image of Drunk Homeless Guys all over America. Better dead and homeless than Red and homeless! That’s my motto!

Dumbass at Hand

The Dumbass in our story today got all shit faced and decided that driving home was not an option. Good choice. He could have killed dozens of Drunk Homeless Guys and Liberals had he driven an automobile while fubar’ed. This is unacceptable! Drunk Homeless Guys are people, too! Fuck the Liberals.

Wait! Did I imply that this guy had a car? Lemme re-check. Yes! I did! Knowing that little tidbit of information that may have been overlooked by an ordinary Dumbass without my Drunk Homeless Guy Street Cred, I can now conclude that this is indeed a Red Communist Chinese Plot to ruin the red blooded American Drunk Homeless Guy!

As I delve deeper into the available facts of this case, this Red Commie Drunk Homeless Guy was not homeless at all AND, get a load of this, he twice avoided being crushed when the garbage truck compacted its load! Only a well-trained foreign Red Chinese Communist Drunk Fake Homeless Guy Secret Agent could pull of this caper!

OK, I concede, this incident could have been a mere accident, with no involvement from the Official Red Chinese Communist Ministry of Drunk Fake Homeless Guys.

He could just be a….

Dumbass.

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Canine Plastic Surgery Eliminates Ugly Dogs! People Next!

Sorry the blog looks a bit odd today, but Blogger is acting weird. I have tried numerous ways and many times to rectify the problem to no avail. I’ll dig a little deeper this weekend in order to alleviate the bullshit.
Thanks,
Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

I don’t watch a helluva lot of TV. When I do partake of the evening’s television broadcast entertainment, I tend to soak up the more cerebral fare. Like Duck Dynasty. Or Lizard Lick Towing. You know, the real heady stuff.

Mrs. Fearless Leader on the other hand is a wizard at watching the tube. Sometimes when she’s watching TV, my attention is diverted by some I hear on the television. Recently as she was tuned in to some shit, I happened to notice the phrase “Westminster Dog Show” or something very similar. If you are not familiar with the Westminster Dog Show, it’s like the Miss America pageant for dogs. You won’t see Fido from the local animal shelter being paraded around during this competition. The canines in the WDS are worth thousands of dollars eachPure bred pooches with lineages that read like thoroughbred horses. Or the Kennedys. This thing is serious. fucking. bidness.

Which leads us to today’s story.

Pretty Puppy

There’s a dude in China who takes his dogs very seriously. He’s a breeder of Tibetan Mastiffs. It is my understanding that Tibetan Mastiffs are very intelligent and equally as ferocious. TMs have also made the breeder, Mr. Yu, a very wealthy man.

Back to the Mr. Yu Seriousness Factor…Mr. Yu is of the thought that the better looking one of his dogs the more likely that potential customers will be to breed their Tibetan Mastiffs with his. This makes perfect sense.   
What sets Mr. Yu’s Tibetan Mastiff Dog Humping Service and Bar & Grill apart from other bidnesses of similar ilk is the fact that Mr. Yu goes the extra mile in making his breeding animals more attractive to other China Guys looking to have their dogs knocked up by one of Mr.Y’s animals. And does he do this? Doggy plastic surgery! You read that right, in order to make his dogs more appealing for doggy style activities, Mr. Yu puts ’em under the knife!
Dog Gone 

Mr Yu, told Chinese media he had hoped a 1,400 yuan (£140) session of plastic surgery would make the dog more attractive to other dog-owners looking for a breeding partner.

“If my dog looks better, female dog owners will pay a higher price when they want to mate their dog with mine,”

But the Tibetan Mastiff – a trophy dog among China’s growing legion of nouveau riche – reportedly died on the operating table last November after suffering heart failure possibly linked to the anaesthetic.

What in the name of Rin Tin Tin is going on here?! 

No More Ugly People 

Mr. Yu has unwittingly come up with the Scientific Discovery of the Century! 

Do you not realize this amazing procedure will be the end of ugly people forever? Genetics be damned!

Think about it. Simple plastic surgery that makes ugly folks beautiful will result in a nation full of pretty people! To hell with all that DNA bullshit that until now was believed to have been responsible for children looking like their parents. Cosmetic surgery will eliminate ugly forever! We’ll be a country full of Brad Pitts and Jessica Albas! No more Roseanne Barrs and Michael Moores!

Hooray!

Dumbasses.
***Thanks Stoo!***


Chinese Sex Dolls! Plus a Personal Note!

Reminder from your Fearless Leader: We are busy getting things around the Dumbass Dome (house cleaning, laundry, etc) in order today. My wife has surgery scheduled for tomorrow morning and since I will be pulling Double Parent Duty, we want things to be as organized as possible during the start of her recuperation. Therefore, I will present to you an Encore Edition of Dumbass News!

I will be back and better than ever (!) with some new stuff in a day or two depending on how Mrs. Fearless Leader’s recovery is going.

Thank you for your patience, understanding, prayers and continued support. I am humbled.

Best of Dumbass News

I was goofin’ around when my able assistant and wife, Mrs. Fearless Leader, was doing some searching for material for today’s story. She found some OK. Boy! Did she find some! When you read this story, you’ll understand why I love her – great wife, terrific Mom, outstanding cook and finder of sex doll stories extraordinaire. What’s not to love?

Actually, Mrs Fearless Leader sent me only one story about a sex doll but that story has a link in it to yet another sex doll treatise. Benevolent Fearless Leader that I am, I thought that telling both of these would be a great way to celebrate TGIF.

Coincidentally, both of these tales come from China.

Sex Doll Story No. 1

A little old Chinese lady lives near a crosswalk at busy intersection and got fed up with drivers zooming by with little regard for public safety. She called the local cops who in turn did next to nothing to help alleviate the problem. More speeding drivers only caused the Little Old Lady’s resolve to steel. In other words, she decided to solve the problem on her own.

I Got Nothing

Her solution? Bind a sex doll to a tree at the intersection! She was hoping that the Indy 500 wannabes would take notice of the sex doll and slow down to a reasonable speed while passing the cross walk.

No word on whether the tactic worked or not but at least one guy on a motor scooter took notice. (see photo)

Questions

As usual, I have some troubling questions to ask about the sex doll tied up to a tree at a traffic intersection with a cross walk.

Question uno: What has this old woman been smoking and can I have some?!!

Question also: Would am anatomically correct sex doll tied to a tree at a busy intersection be helpful or a hindrance? I’m going with “hindrance” on this one. While passing drivers may indeed slow down a bit, the sight of what appears to be a nekkid woman tied to a tree just might divert the drivers attention from something more important. Like, say, I don’t know, maybe watching the fuck where they are going! I could be wrong. I am a Dumbass after all.

Drowning “Woman”

In Shandong (which means “plastic lover with air leak is no bueno for caca“) Province, also in China, local police received a call of a woman in distress in an area river and appeared to be drowning. Ever vigilant to show their cajones by rescuing a damsel in distress, eighteen cops responded to the call. For over an hour, there eighteen short men in police uniform running about looking like an 18 man ant hill, shouting instructions to each other and keeping an eye on the victim – all this in Chinese! That must have sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks on speed.

This was an exciting moment for area residents as almost a thousand people gathered watching and cheering on the local constabulary.

Drowning Victim

Finally the moment of truth arrived and the shorts guys pulled the woman from the river. Except she wasn’t a woman at all. “She” was a deflated sex doll! The gathered masses then suddenly dispersed like someone farted in Church after a long Saturday night of Generic Beer and Jack in the Box tacos.

Pffffffffffffttttttppppppppppp

We can learn a lot from these two most Dumbass News-worthy events. I don’t know what the hell that might be, but I just know in my heart of hearts that we could learn something from them

Oh, yeah, I know. We have learned that police trained by Red Communist Authorities with Red Communist money are about as useful as tits on a boar hog. We also now know that short guys in police uniforms in China are lonely bastards by the way they rushed to the scene of the “drowning”, hoping to be the first one to give the “lady” mouth to mouth recreation resucitation. Come to think of it, I’ll bet a dollar to a donut that at least three of the cops stayed back after the matter was resolved to make sure the sex doll was “properly disposed of “, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Better Dead Than Red

Taken in their totality, these two stories show that Communism is a miserable failure as a system of gubmint, meeting the needs of the powerful few and neglecting…woops! These stories don’t prove jack shit except that the Red Communist Chinese are horny for blow up dolls. They also prove that short guys pretending to be cops, no matter how honorable their intentions, can not be trusted with a blow up doll. Even if she’s deflated. The sex doll is probably the closet these poor schlubs have been to a woman in months! If not years!

Poor Commie bastards and…

…Dumbasses.

Drunk Dumbass Passes Out in Garbage Truck – Near St. Pancake Status Ensues – Twice!

I have been telling you about the Dumbass Things that Dumbasses do for almost two years now. And no matter how weird the story, there eventually will be another Dumbass pulling the same Dumbass Stunt.

Today’s story is an encore presentation. Not of the Best of Dumbass News variety, but of the “some Dumbass was bound to do it again” type. Here’s the original Dumbass News story that relates to today’s tale.

This activity involves Drunk Homeless Guys and I’m afraid it’s giving a bad name to drunk homeless guys all over the country. As a former Drunk Homeless Guy, I am truly concerned about the sullying of the image of my Drunk Homeless Brethren.

I can not and will not stand for it!

A Fad?

“Hold on, Harold! I think there’s a drunk homeless guy in there!”

The activity I’m talking about is homeless guys from Portland, Oregon that get drunk and do something stoopid, like, oh, I don’t know, maybe crawl into the back of a Waste Management trash truck and pass out, thus risking being squeezed to death like a rotten tomato. This is not typical behavior for the seasoned Drunk Homeless Guy, so I can only assume it is rookie Drunk Homeless Guys ruining the fun of being a Drunk Homeless Guy for all Normal Drunk Homeless Guys.

Normal Drunk Homeless Guys may crash on a park bench or on the steps of the Public Library, maybe even under a nice comfy bridge, but NEVER in the bidness end of a garbage truck!

You can see where my problem lies.

I hope like hell that this is not a fad or some Red Chinese Communist Plot to ruin the good name and untarnished image of Drunk Homeless Guys all over America. Better dead and homeless than Red and homeless! That’s my motto!

Dumbass at Hand

The Dumbass in our story today got all shit faced and decided that driving home was not an option. Good choice. He could have killed dozens of Drunk Homeless Guys and Liberals had he driven an automobile while fubar’ed. This is unacceptable! Drunk Homeless Guys are people, too! Fuck the Liberals.

Wait! Did I imply that this guy had a car? Lemme re-check. Yes! I did! Knowing that little tidbit of information that may have been overlooked by an ordinary Dumbass without my Drunk Homeless Guy Street Cred, I can now conclude that this is indeed a Red Communist Chinese Plot to ruin the red blooded American Drunk Homeless Guy!

As I delve deeper into the available facts of this case, this Red Commie Drunk Homeless Guy was not homeless at all AND, get a load of this, he twice avoided being crushed when the garbage truck compacted its load! Only a well-trained foreign Red Chinese Communist Drunk Fake Homeless Guy Secret Agent could pull of this caper!

OK, I concede, this incident could have been a mere accident, with no involvement from the Official Red Chinese Communist Ministry of Drunk Fake Homeless Guys.

He could just be a….

Dumbass.

The Tale of Two Communist Chinese Sex Dolls!

I was goofin’ around when my able assistant and wife, Mrs. Fearless Leader, was doing some searching for material for today’s story. She found some OK. Boy! Did she find some! When you read this story, you’ll understand why I love her – great wife, terrific Mom, outstanding cook and finder of sex doll stories extraordinaire. What’s not to love?

Actually, Mrs Fearless Leader sent me only one story about a sex doll but that story has a link in it to yet another sex doll treatise. Benevolent Fearless Leader that I am, I thought that telling both of these would be a great way to celebrate TGIF.

Coincidentally, both of these tales come from China.

Sex Doll Story No. 1

A little old Chinese lady lives near a crosswalk at busy intersection and got fed up with drivers zooming by with little regard for public safety. She called the local cops who in turn did next to nothing to help alleviate the problem. More speeding drivers only caused the Little Old Lady’s resolve to steel. In other words, she decided to solve the problem on her own.

I Got Nothing

Her solution? Bind a sex doll to a tree at the intersection! She was hoping that the Indy 500 wannabes would take notice of the sex doll and slow down to a reasonable speed while passing the cross walk.

No word on whether the tactic worked or not but at least one guy on a motor scooter took notice. (see photo)

Questions

As usual, I have some troubling questions to ask about the sex doll tied up to a tree at a traffic intersection with a cross walk.

Question uno: What has this old woman been smoking and can I have some?!!

Question also: Would am anatomically correct sex doll tied to a tree at a busy intersection be helpful or a hindrance? I’m going with “hindrance” on this one. While passing drivers may indeed slow down a bit, the sight of what appears to be a nekkid woman tied to a tree just might divert the drivers attention from something more important. Like, say, I don’t know, maybe watching the fuck where they are going! I could be wrong. I am a Dumbass after all.

Drowning “Woman”

In Shandong (which means “plastic lover with air leak is no bueno for caca“) Province, also in China, local police received a call of a woman in distress in an area river and appeared to be drowning. Ever vigilant to show their cajones by rescuing a damsel in distress, eighteen cops responded to the call. For over an hour, there eighteen short men in police uniform running about looking like an 18 man ant hill, shouting instructions to each other and keeping an eye on the victim – all this in Chinese! That must have sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks on speed.

This was an exciting moment for area residents as almost a thousand people gathered watching and cheering on the local constabulary.

Drowning Victim

Finally the moment of truth arrived and the shorts guys pulled the woman from the river. Except she wasn’t a woman at all. “She” was a deflated sex doll! The gathered masses then suddenly dispersed like someone farted in Church after a long Saturday night of Generic Beer and Jack in the Box tacos.

Pffffffffffffttttttppppppppppp

We can learn a lot from these two most Dumbass News-worthy events. I don’t know what the hell that might be, but I just know in my heart of hearts that we could learn something from them

Oh, yeah, I know. We have learned that police trained by Red Communist Authorities with Red Communist money are about as useful as tits on a boar hog. We also now know that short guys in police uniforms in China are lonely bastards by the way they rushed to the scene of the “drowning”, hoping to be the first one to give the “lady” mouth to mouth recreation resucitation. Come to think of it, I’ll bet a dollar to a donut that at least three of the cops stayed back after the matter was resolved to make sure the sex doll was “properly disposed of “, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Better Dead Than Red

Taken in their totality, these two stories show that Communism is a miserable failure as a system of gubmint, meeting the needs of the powerful few and neglecting…woops! These stories don’t prove jack shit except that the Red Communist Chinese are horny for blow up dolls. They also prove that short guys pretending to be cops, no matter how honorable their intentions, can not be trusted with a blow up doll. Even if she’s deflated. The sex doll is probably the closet these poor schlubs have been to a woman in months! If not years!

Poor Commie bastards and…

…Dumbasses.

Guy Pokes Other Men’s Wimmin, Pays for It w/ His Penis

Dumbass Note: Dumbass News is now read by Dumbasses in 141 countries around the world!!! Our latest Dumbass follower is from Myanmar!

Strange things happen when the sun goes down. Like the old Charley Pride song says, “The snakes crawl at night…”

At night, criminals, mainly thieves and burglars, do their best work, taking anything from jewelry to penises...What?? Did I just type what I think I just typed? Upon further review, I did type what I thought I typed. I typed that thieves steal male sex organs.

Why in the name of Ron Jeremy would a thief want to to pilfer a penis? The reason that immediately springs to mind is that the current owner of the ding-a-ling did something very naughty with it. Kind of a screwy notion, huh? Well, maybe it’s not as rock solid weird as you might think.

Let Me Splain.

Fei Lin, No Relation to Feng Shui, or Tina Fey for that matter,is a Dumbass. Apparently Linny, not of Lenny and Squiggy fame, likes the ladies. Even if the lady belongs to another man., like maybe Won Hung Lo. This is bad joo joo in China. Or Texas. Or Tennessee.

Anyway, Fi Fei Fo Fum was evidently Por-king some Chinese lovelies that were otherwise the significant others of some other guys, Egg Fu Yung among them. Egg Fu and Won Hung got wind of these dastardly deeds and prepared to exact their revenge on Fei Tina Peking Duc. And by “exact” I mean use an exacto knife on his Shang Hai.

Their plan was meticulously thought out and when the time came….

The Time That Came

One night after performing a little Hong Kong Phookey with another man’s woman, Fuk Yu Silly went home and went to bed, falling into a deep REM sleep mode. Recognizing this as their moment to cut and run, the Bad Guys made their way into Far Out, Man’s apartment and performed a penis-ectomy with the skill of a surgeon and the swiftness of a Ferrari.

They sliced Foo King Shits’ willie off and leaving him no hope of being a “man” again, absconded with the cut-off cucumber! In other words, they stole the dude’s dick! Giving a guy the old phallus filet is one thing, but to run off with his member also, is quite another.

It’s just plain old rude!

Why Me?

To no one’s surprise, Long Duc Dong is baffled by what happened to his peter. “What I do long for these ferrows to knifey rifey my manhood?” Or something like that. I took a little poetic license with the translation, but you get the picture.

The Rittle City by the Liver po-po think that revenge was a factor in the de-penis-ifying of Mr. Soprano. geez, ya think?

I don’t really know where to go with this from here except to say, guys, keep your goober in your pants when it comes to another dude’s chick. American Ginsu Guerrillas may not be nearly as nice as those wack chink dink defacers.

That is unless you’d like your new name to be No More Stiffy.

Dumbass.

***Photo from austriantimes.at***