|Confession is good for the Soul|
Facebook. The dumbass gift that keeps on giving us dipshits that do dumbass things for the whole world to see. We have over the lifetime of this blog carried several stories about dumbasses on Facebook. For example, this one about a Florida couple who had some “domestic issues” when the lady changed her Facebook status. Hilarity and incarceration ensued. A-hab the A-rab named his newborn daughter “Facebook”. Really. Then yesterday we had the story of a dumbass bimbo who was “unfriended” on FB by her best friend. The bimbo then proceeded to set the best friend’s house on fire. The stoopid bitch is now in the Des Moines, Iowa Crossbar Hilton. Well, my un-friends, there’s another dumbass Facebook story that I feel I feel is worthy of its own page on Dumbass News. And it’s homegrown.
Mainely a Dumbass
It is with great pride that I am able to bring you a dumbass on Facebook story that took place only 51.19 miles from where I sit right now, in the town of Falmouth, Maine. This is the biggest news to hit Falmouth since the traffic light went up the day before yesterday. Here’s the deal.
An 18 year old dumbass, Tyler Winslow, of South Portland, Maine got a wild hair up his ass and decided to go to a Falmouth nursery to get a Christmas tree. Oh, he got a Christmas tree all right. He felled the tree with a 12 gauge shotgun! Tyler, which is a pussy name for a guy anyway, (he should have been named something manly like “Gus“) was on his way to committing the perfect shotgun-removed Christmas tree crime until he did something stoopid. Real stoopid. How stoopid? One word: Facebook. That’s how stoopid. The dumbass took pictures of the tree and told the world how he had gotten it by blasting away at it with a magic wand. Side note: “Magic wand is a slang word for shotgun. Here’s why: when wave a 12 gauge around in a crowd, people suddenly disappear.”
I think that Tyler TKWPNWSHBNG was overcome by his success, and forgot one minor detail about his caper. The Police also read Facebook. They did. He got busted and is now gonna spend his 19th birthday (his B-day is on Christmas Eve!) in jail. Now, that’s what I call Justice. This episode just goes to show that if you have a pussy name, steal a Christmas tree and put proof of your exploits on Facebook, you get what you deserve. On the other hand, since the nimrod’s birthday is Christmas Eve, maybe someone can slip a file into his Christmas stocking. Naaaah. They’d prolly just post about it on Facebook.
|Do Not Throw|
I have read some nice stories about people all over the country having such a wonderful Christmas with their families. Include my family on that list. The Terrero family in West Hartford, Connecticut had a very memorable Christmas, especially 19 year old Francheska. It was a typical Christmas Eve at the Terrero house until Francheska got into the Christmas “spirits”.
The story doesn’t say what prompted Francheska’s outburst, other than the fact that she was bombed, but she must have been in holiday frame of mind because she picked up the family Christmas tree and threw it at her parents! Assuming that ‘Terrero” is an Eye-talian name, I thought throwing Christmas trees at one’s parents might be some sort of weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition. So, being a Professional Internet Blogging Sensation and 10th Degree Black Belt in Google Fu, I went to the best source of Weird Eye-talian Christmas Traditions that I could find. My wife, who is Eye-talian. When I asked her about Christmas Tree Throwing as an Eye-talian tradition, she says to me, “Are you drunk?”. I took that as a “no”.
Anyway, Francheska got smashed on Christmas Eve and threw a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her Mom and Dad. Mom called 911 and reported a 10-86, which in Police 10-code terminology means “drunk daughter throws a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her parents. As Mom was on the phone with the cops, Frankie yanked the phone out her hand and threw that too at her father! I know for a fact that phone throwing on Christmas Eve is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, but it is a weird Christmas tradition for drunk Hungarians. But I digress.
So the heat (cops) show up at the Terrero home and notice that Francheska is FUBAR’ed and that the Christmas tree had been “relocated” and it was surrounded by some shattered ornaments. The police then explain to Francheska that even though Christmas tree throwing is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, it is against the law, especially if you throw the tree at another person. Frankie was charged with disorderly conduct, assault and interfering with a 911 call, not to mention throwing fully decorated Christmas trees at your parents while shit faced without a permit. OK, I made that last charge up.
Francheska was hauled off to jail, Mom and Dad were treated for minor injuries and the Christmas tree suffers from PTSD, so all things considered, everything turned out for the best and we can all be thankful that it wasn’t Thanksgiving and Francheska got hammered and threw a bowl of giblets at her parents. Or is that a weird Eye-talian Thanksgiving Tradition that I am unaware of ? I’ll have to ask my Eye-talian wife about that one. Hopefully, she won’t notice that I’m drunk. 🙂
(hat tip to Heather)