Category: Christmas

Merry Christmas!

                   MERRCHRISTMAS!

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Christmas Cheer! Meet Leon, Adopted Felon of "Dumbass News"

Best of Dumbass News

 
Here’s some more Christmas cheer from last year. For those who are late to the Dumbass party, this is your chance to learn about Leon, the Adopted Felon of Dumbass News. After reading this post, you will not only know what kind of dumbass Leon is, but you, too, will love him to pieces. 
 
Ladies and gentlemen, Leon, Adopted Felon of Dumbass News.

 As we enter the home stretch for Christmas and the insanity only intensifies, I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let’s shake off that Christmas anxiety with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go:

  • Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here’s why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before – to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There’s more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon’s journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol’ Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal – hence 99 years in the slammer. That’s 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won’t be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great pre-Christmas Tuesday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

Merry Christmas.

 
Dumbass.

(hat tip to KDFW-TV, Dallas)

Best Buy Shoplifter vs. United States Marines; Multiple Injuries Ensue

Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, Georgia was at Best Buy minding his own bidness as he was doing his Christmas shoplifting a little early this year when his plans went awry. And by “awry” I mean he was met with a surprise as he tried to escape with a purloined laptop.

Semper Fi.

Dumbass.

***Shamelessly Ripped Off from I Hate the Media***

Most Disgusting Example of the Christmas Spirit Exhibited by a Dumbass is….

Crimestoppers

I would be remiss if I didn’t post some Dumbassery that happened, it pains me to say, during the recent Christmas holiday season. I know it’s difficult to believe, but some people do not adhere to behavior that society would expect of them during a Holy Time of Year. Or during an unholy time of year for that matter. Dumbasses will be dumbasses.  Our next round of nominees for a Dummy Award are cases in points. 

Our finalists in the Most Disgusting Example of the Christmas Spirit Exhibited by a Dumbass are:

Leon, Adopted Felon of “Dumbass News” – Leon is such an integral part of the Dumbass News Family, that it would be almost criminal on our part not to include him in the Dummies in some small way. We love Leon. Why, I even went door-to-door taking donations so the Dumbass Horde could send Leon a carton of New-potes for Christmas. I had to bribe a guard at the Texas Department of Corrections to allow Leon to get the smokes. It was easy, though. The guard’s a fat guy. A little gift card to the local Krispy Kreme took care of it. 

Dumbass Steals Christmas Tree, Posts Details on Facebook Evidently this waste of semen doesn’t realize that the cops read Facebook too. Enough said.

Pimpin’ Out Christmas I get mad at the way some people treat Christmas more like “Bling Day” than an actual, you know, Holy Day! It was a pretty good rant.

And the winner of the Dummy for the Most Disgusting Example of the Christmas Spirit Exhibited by a Dumbass is….

The guy who stole the Christmas tree! Only a total loser, dickweed, asshole, piece of camel shit would steal during the Christmas Season. Then brag about it on Facebook! Please do not pro-create. Your spawn will further drain the gene pool.

One more thing, Eistein. God doesn’t forget.

Dumbass.

The Give and Take of Dumbass Karma

A Minefield in Waiting
I woke up this morning in hopes of it all being a bad dream, a side trip to the Twilight Zone. Alas, it was not to be. It was real. As real as the credit card bills sure to follow. Now that’s real. 
I am talking about this morning, the day after Christmas. I was awakened like somebody took a Louisville Slugger to my skull. Pow! Right in the kisser! Actually it was Bailey the 4 Year Old with a still-unwrapped, fresh, new toy from Santa. In a minute or two, she brought in another one. Then another one. Goodbye, nice, warm, comfy fancy schmancy bed, hello cold as hell downstairs computer chair and the real world. Once downstairs, I skillfully navigated a veritable minefield of Christmas toys scattered about the living room, stumbling over a Hot Wheels Race Track but gracefully maintaining my balance like I meant to do it. Ha! Pure luck and like the old saying goes, “I’d rather be lucky than good any day.” 
Nice People and a Blue Streak
Today’s story takes place in, of all the places on Earth, in Ogden, Utah. Utah has got to have the sweetest people in the world living there. If a Utahn says,”Oh, darn it!”, he has cussed up a blue streak according to the Sweetest People in the World Utah Almanac, Chapter 2, “Cussing Up a Blue Streak in Utah”. You can only imagine the scorn heaped upon a Utahn if he were to blurt out “boobie” or something. It’s not a pretty sight, I can assure you. Anyway, on to the story.
The Story
These two guys in Ogden were not members of the Sweetest People in the World Club, they were thieves. The guys got busted for doing their Christmas shoplifting early this year. A store security guy caught the two crooks and cited them for stealing make up (?) and some other stuff totaling about $26 and lets them go. So they head back to their truck which was parked near-by, empty-handed, embarrassed and busted.  Could anything go wrong that would be worse than that? Are you kiddin’ me? This is Dumbass News, of course something more humiliating is gonna happen!

Christmas Karma
So the two dumbasses make it back to their truck only to find out…wait…for…it…the truck had been burglarized! I ain’t makin’ this up! I would have given a million dollars to have seen the looks on these two idiots’ faces. Talk about a new MasterCard commercial! I can see it now. Shoplifting, $26. Court fees and fines, $300. The look on the faces of shoplifters whose truck had been broken into, priceless. It’s kinda funny how life has a way of smacking you down and calling you “Shorty”, especially if you just got nailed for stealing. Who ever said that God doesn’t have a sense of humor must be an atheist. “Cause this is damn funny! bwahahahahahahahahahaha
The Public Excoriation of Two Morons
The Dumbass Salute!
If you live in or near the Ogden, Utah area, you can participate in a fun-for-all game called Humiliate Stoopid as a Spitwad Criminals! This game entitles players identify and roundly and loudly denigrate ignoramus thieves like Kori Vanhouten and Eldon Alexander. These guys are the two Einsteins who pulled off the Dumbass Daily Double of getting busted for stealing and getting and being stolen from in a span of about five minutes. Congratulations, men! You have accomplished something as rare as hen’s teeth and a million times more embarrassing. I salute you!
Dumbasses.

The Dumbass Way to Follow Santa’s Trip!

Merry Christmas!

OK, Dumbasses, it’s time to to make final preparations for the arrival of the Fat Guy in the Red Suit later tonight. I have done a bit of Google Fu and come up with several web sites that track the Jolly Old Elf as he delivers goodies to all the boys and girls around the world. the most famous and popular of these sites is the NORAD site. This is one thing that the gubmint does right.  NORAD has been tracking Santa on his yearly journey for many years, and I think that they are the most reliable and accurate. Here are the results of my Google Fu search prowess that might be of interest to you. It consists of a boatload of sites that keep an eye on The Fat Guy in the Red Suit during his flight. I might also suggest that one or more of your local TV and/or radio stations may also have the technology to track Santa and his reindeer. The point is that there is no shortage of resources that will help you and your kids follow Santa’s trip. Many sites also give you an approximate time that the Fat Guy in the Red Suit will be in your state, maybe even your neighborhood!

Sappy Stuff

You know, I get pretty stoopid and raunchy here on Dumbass News, but right now I want to be somewhat serious. 

I am so grateful to you for taking a few minutes of your time each day to lower your IQ at least five points by reading this blog. Now if you’d just hit the damn Tip Jar! It is Christmas time after all. 🙂

The Real Side

On the real side, Let me take a second to wish all you Dumbasses, Mrs. Dumbasses and all the little Dumbasses a blessed and joyous Christmas. Remember those words, “joyous” and “blessed” That’s the last time you’ll ever see them on this blog! 

God bless you all. 


Dumbasses.

Leon, Our Adopted Felon Says Merry Christmas!

Here’s some more Christmas cheer from last year. For those who are late to the Dumbass party, this is your chance to learn about Leon, the Adopted Felon of Dumbass News. After reading this post, you will not only know what kind of dumbass Leon is, but you, too, will love him to pieces. Ladies and gentlemen, Leon, Adopted Felon of Dumbass News.

 As we enter the home stretch for Christmas and the insanity only intensifies, I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let’s shake off that Christmas anxiety with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go. :

  • Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here’s why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before – to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There’s more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon’s journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol’ Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal – hence 99 years in the slammer. That’s 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won’t be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.

This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great pre-Christmas Tuesday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

(hat tip to KDFW-TV, Dallas)