Category: Cocaine

Traffic Stop Yields Drugs in Guy’s Prosthetic Leg and in Lady’s Hiney!

When it comes to stories about what lengths drug users and dealers go to to hide their stash, we’ve had some humdingers here on Dumbass News. A cursory search of the blog archives turns up several examples of the innovative methods tweakers employ when smuggling or simply concealing their narcotics:

  • A Nigerian guy living in Brazil planned for his retirement by sending nearly six pounds of cocaine to his native land in roasted chickens!
  • A couple of stoopid bitches were doin’ a solid for a boyfriend by trafficking more than a kilo of coke in their hair weaves! 
  • Fake boobs aren’t just for beauty pageant contestants and strippers any more. A Panamanian lady attempted to haul three pounds of blow into Barcelona in her breast implants! 
  • Not to be outdone, a guy named Dave was busted for having a mobile meth lab in his underwear!

These Dumbasses are pikers compared to the group of jizzwhistlers (thanks @ToddKincannon !) you will learn about today.

Brake Lights Ain’t All That Are Busted

Up the Ass & In the Leg

Four fine young Dumbasses were driving around in Charlotte County, Florida, minding their own bidness when a mean ole Charlotte County Sheriff’s Deputy pulled them over because the brake lights on their tan Hyundai were not working.

As per Standard Long Arm of the Law Operating Procedure, upon approaching the occupants of the
automobile, Deputy Dawg asked all four of the idjits in the car if they were in possession of guns, swords, stash, contraband or nuke-u-lar weapons. All four responded “negatory” and granted the cop permission to search the car.

This is OK if you have nothing to hide, but if you are holding illegal narcotics on your person, this can quickly, as they say, turn around and bite you in the ass. Such was the case when the Law asked one of the passengers if he had any drugs hidden in his prosthetic leg. He did.

It was at this point of the investigation that the fun began. If you were the Cops. The four suspects? Not so much.

Here a Drug, There a Drug, Everywhere a Drug Drug

Now the Fuzz has the right to really start a serious examination of not only the car, but the Four Dumbasses as well. 

The driver of the car, a woman, was found to be concealing a bag of some nasty shit (morphine and hydromorphine) in her bra. She also confessed to having a hydromorhine pill in her wallet laying on the front seat of the car. At this time, she performed the Old Fake-a-rooni Evasive Maneuver on the Deputy, raced over to her wallet, quickly grab said pill and swallowed it!

During a further inspection of the car, the cops found some other shit, including some hypodermic needles.

Then it happened.

The lady ‘fessed up and admitted that she had one more hypo hidden on her person.

In. Her. Ass.

Now, I’m not a user of illegal drugs, but if I were, and I learned that the needle I was about to use to main line some morphine had been hidden in some chick’s asshole, it is at this exact moment that I would become an ex-illegal drug user. Pronto. “Tainted” narcotics (see what I did there?) be damned.

It won’t be long now that the young lady’s ass will be used for more than concealing hypodermic needles. See: Lezbeans in Prison movies.

Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip Sun Sentinel and HuffPo***
***Photo From SunSentinel*** 

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Newest Cocaine Smuggling Device: Hair Weaves!

Best of Dumbass News

You are about to read about what could be the Co-Dumbasses of the Year, which would be a first in the history of the Dumbass of the Year Awards.

While it is still too way too early to make a call on the winner of the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award, the two idjits in this story are the leaders in the clubhouse as of today.

Creatively Stoopid

We have covered all kinds of smuggling here at Dumbass News, from the guy who smuggled cocaine in roasted chickens, a Playboy Bunny who smuggles Canadians into the USA to a guy who tried to sneak some illegal cockroaches into the country, but we have never and I mean never had the honor on reporting on a Dumbass who tried to smuggle cocaine into the United States in a hair weave!

Today, we have the good fortune of telling you of TWO Dumbasses who thought bringing contraband onto US soil in hair weaves was a good idea!

No matter how idiotic the scheme, you gotta give these two an A+ for creativity.

Doing a Boyfriend a Favor

From HuffPoThat’s the hair-raising accusation that has Kiana Howell and Makeeba Graham tangled up in a criminal case. The two women were arrested early Sunday morning at JFK Airport in New York after their extra-tall hair weaves raised the suspicions of guards.
Howell and Graham had just arrived from the South American country of Guyana and caught the attention of officials when they started wigging out as they approached customs, the New York Post reported.
Officers started sniffing around and, upon closer inspection, discovered more than two pounds of cocaine woven into the two women’s hairdos, according to The Smoking Gun.
Officials said Howell and Graham concealed the cocaine in form-fitting plastic bags on their scalps. Howell allegedly had 35.1 ounces of nose candy hidden under her hair weave, while Graham is accused of hiding 36.9 ounces beneath hers, UPI reported. 

Kiana Howell Makeeba Brown
Kiana, the bitch who looks like Flip Wilson, said, of course, that she had no idea what was in the packages, but she was just doin’ a solid for her Guyanan boyfriend. And $7500. Yep. Not much says “I didn’t know what was in there” like being paid seven and a half large for being the courier of a package with two pounds “unknown contents”. On your fucking skull! Nothing suspicious there. Move along.

I shave my head so I have no hair up there, but I gotta a feeling that if I put on a wig that weighed two pounds, I just might say to myself, “Self, something is screwy here”.

But that’s just me.

Not Kiana and Makeeba. And by the way, who the hell in their right mind names their kid “Makeeba”? Oh, yeah. A coke head that’s who.

Dumbasses.

New Drug Smuggling Device: Breast Implants!

Illicit drugs are bad ju ju. Buying them is wasteful, using them is stoopid and selling them is criminal at best.

No matter, because selling dope is a lucrative bidness and where there’s a shit load of easy money to be made and demand for a product, illegal or not, there’s a Dumbass willing to take a chance. And when it comes to dealing in narcotics, the bad guys are lined up around the block waiting for a chance at The Big Score.

Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way

Recently, I wrote about a pair of Dumbass of the Year candidates who were busted while smuggling cocaine in their hair weaves! Not to be outdone, there was another Darwin Award-worthy numb skull who was caught shipping coke (and I don’t mean cola) inside of roasted chickens! Brilliant, but not good enough to fool the Law as evidenced by the lengthy prison sentences these dip shits are serving.

Despite the never ending set backs, dope dealers are constantly trying to figure out ways to outsmart Law Enforcement to distribute their drugs to an ever-growing clientele without getting caught.

That’s where today’s story picks up.

Breast Enhancement

A few days ago, a Panamanian Lady was arrested in Barcelona, Spain for transporting three pounds of cocaine into the country – in her tits! Ingenious! The Old Blow in the Boobs Trick!

“But, Fearless Leader”, you inquire, “what’s so unique about smuggling nose candy inside of a bra?” I did not say the Nice Panamanian Lady By Way of Bogota, Colombia had the coke hidden in her over the shoulder boulder holder, I said she had it hidden in her knockers! Literally. (Thanks, Joe Biden! Literally.)

Fake Boobs, Real Cocaine

Spanish authorities say they have arrested a Panamanian woman arriving at Barcelona airport with 3 pounds of cocaine concealed in breast implants.
The Interior Ministry said Wednesday that border police noticed fresh scars and blood-stained gauze on her chest as well as pale patches beneath her skin.
The woman said she had recently had breast implant surgery. The statement said police were suspicious and sent her to a local hospital where the implants were removed and found to contain cocaine. 

Automatic Dumbass of the Year Nomination!

This has got to be the most diabolically canny methods of drug smuggling in the History of Transporting Contraband. Whoever came up with this idea deserves the Pablo Escobar Murderous Narco-Trafficker Memorial Award for originality and the second best use of boobs ever.

While we’ve had some doozies over the course of 2012, this story leaps into contention for the coveted Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award. Could it be a double? The Pablo AND the Dummy? An award for each tit? A Booby Prize?

Time will tell.

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to Fox News***

The Old "Smuggle the Cocaine in the Hair Weave" Trick

You are about to read about what could be the Co-Dumbasses of the Year, which would be a first in the history of the Dumbass of the Year Awards.

While it is still too way too early to make a call on the winner of the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award, the two idjits in this story are the leaders in the clubhouse as of today.

Creatively Stoopid

We have covered all kinds of smuggling here at Dumbass News, from the guy who smuggled cocaine in roasted chickens, a Playboy Bunny who smuggles Canadians into the USA to a guy who tried to sneak some illegal cockroaches into the country, but we have never and I mean never had the honor on reporting on a Dumbass who tried to smuggle cocaine into the United States in a hair weave!

Today, we have the good fortune of telling you of TWO Dumbasses who thought bringing contraband onto US soil in hair weaves was a good idea!

No matter how idiotic the scheme, you gotta give these two an A+ for creativity.

Doing a Boyfriend a Favor

From HuffPo, That’s the hair-raising accusation that has Kiana Howell and Makeeba Graham tangled up in a criminal case. The two women were arrested early Sunday morning at JFK Airport in New York after their extra-tall hair weaves raised the suspicions of guards.
Howell and Graham had just arrived from the South American country of Guyana and caught the attention of officials when they started wigging out as they approached customs, the New York Post reported.
Officers started sniffing around and, upon closer inspection, discovered more than two pounds of cocaine woven into the two women’s hairdos, according to The Smoking Gun.
Officials said Howell and Graham concealed the cocaine in form-fitting plastic bags on their scalps. Howell allegedly had 35.1 ounces of nose candy hidden under her hair weave, while Graham is accused of hiding 36.9 ounces beneath hers, UPI reported. 

Kiana Howell Makeeba Brown
Kiana, the bitch who looks like Flip Wilson, said, of course, that she had no idea what was in the packages, but she was just doin’ a solid for her Guyanan boyfriend. And $7500. Yep. Not much says “I didn’t know what was in there” like being paid seven and a half large for being the courier of a package with two pounds “unknown contents”. On your fucking skull! Nothing suspicious there. Move along.

I shave my head so I have no hair up there, but I gotta a feeling that if I put on a wig that weighed two pounds, I just might say to myself, “Self, something is screwy here”.

But that’s just me.

Not Kiana and Makeeba. And by the way, who the hell in their right mind names their kid “Makeeba”? Oh, yeah. A coke head that’s who.

Dumbasses.

Nigerian Cocaine-Stuffed Chicken!

I am at the Age of Retirement. My retirement was thrust upon me due to some health issues that have reared their ugly heads over the last few years.

I have been fighting the Federal Gubmint for all the money I put into The System (Thanks, Liberal Assholes!) for over two years now. And I gotta tell you, I am not a hurry up and wait kind of guy. Part of my current situation is of my own doing, with no one or nothing else to blame but me. The rest of the blame lies squarely at the feet of the confiscatory Federal Gubmint that has way too much control over our daily lives, including our future as Old Farts. They took my money without my permission and gave it to other people thus putting me on the back burner and now I have had to hire an attorney to get my own damn money back. And after over 40 years of working, it is not a small amount of money. I won’t be rich by any means, but my family and I will live a much more comfortable lifestyle than we now enjoy once this whole charade is over and done with.

I tell you this because it ties in with today’s Dumbass News. How’s that? I could have followed the example set by a Nigerian fellow who had a plan to beat all plans for his pending retirement.

Let me splain.

Planning Ahead

Vincent Chegini Chinweuwa had a retirement plan that would set him up for life in his native Nigeria. It involved the humble roasted chicken. And cocaine. $150,000 worth of cocaine.

You see Vincent had struggled for six long years while living in Brazil with hopes of some day returning a wealthy man to his beloved Homeland, so he meticulously planned his return to Lagos. His scheme included buying cocaine so he could sell it back in Nigeria earning him a nifty profit and instant retirement.

“Stuffed” Yard Bird

Here’s where the roasted chickens come into play. Vincent had bought 2.6 kilos (that’s almost 6 pounds) of Brazilian toot and stuffed it into the yard birds asses hoping to sneak it past Nigerian Customs and realize his dreams of a life of luxury.

But, it didn’t work out.

Plan Gone Awry

Vincent got his coke OK and got it shoved up the roasted chickens asses. He encountered problems when he got to the airport in Lagos. It seems that during the six years that Vinny was in Brazil, Nigerian Customs Agents had undergone intensive training to be on the lookout for drug smugglers and that they had also gotten some more modern drug detection equipment to help them in their fight against narcotics trafficking.

Vince did not get the memo.

He got busted and is now awaiting trial while in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. And by “ultra-modern” I of course mean rat-infested, urine-soaked, disease-ridden hell hole. You know, like Detroit.

This is what happens when one tries to skirt the rules when reaching retirement age. After learning of Vince’s plight, I have determined that I still loathe Gubmint Intrusion into my life and that hiring a lawyer to handle my case was not as big a pain in the ass as spending my Golden Years in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison for smuggling nearly six pounds of blow into the country. Besides, I am a White Guy and I would guess that White Guys are at a “premium” in an Ultra-Modern Nigerian Prison. By “premium”, I of course mean “prison bitches”. I am a lot of things, some of them not so good, but “prison bitch” ain’t one of ’em.

I’ll leave the prison bitchery to Vincent Takesomeballs Tothechinweuwa.

I would, however, like a nice juicy piece of roasted chicken. Hold the coke.

Dumbass.