Thanks to my long time friend Matt Vaughn in Texas, today we are breaking new ground in the sink hole that is Dumbass News. I’ve come to expect stuff like this from Matt because he is one of the biggest Dumbasses I know. I must admit, however, that I am a bit jealous of Matt. And by “jealous” I of course mean that I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to one of my wife’s Eye-talian uncles (Sicilian, naturally) to put Young Matthew to “sleep with the fishes”, IYKWIMAITYD. This would be easy to accomplish because my buddy Matt lives near one of my old fishing holes, Lake Ray Hubbard. This is one of the reasons I am jealous of my friend – because he lives so damn near the lake. Another reason I am envious of Matt is because he has a Harley and I don’t. Having said all this, you can easily see why Matthew deserves a fate of nothing less than becoming catfish food.
So, Matt, if you wake up one morning with a severed horse head in your bed, it’s nothing personal, bro. It’s just bidness.
The groundbreaking part of our story today involves ID theft. This is a first for Dumbass News. In the past I have written about this stoopid bitch that was cashing Social Security checks – that were written to her DEAD boyfriend! There was also the time that we discovered that credit card theft is a gateway to becoming a smoker.
While cashing gubmint checks made out to your dead boyfriend and credit card theft are fine felonies indeed, they don’t compare to the Dumbassery we will learn about today.
May I See Your ID, Please?
Brianna Priddy is a waitress at the Applebee’s in the Denver suburb of Lakewood, Colorado. A couple of weeks ago, Brianna’s wallet was stolen from her. In the meantime, somebody was going around the Greater Denver area cashing hundreds of dollars of bad checks using Brianna’s stolen ID. This is important to remember.
One day Brianna was at work serving some delicious Applebee’s menu fare to the upstanding citizens of the Metro Denver area when a young lady came into the restaurant and was seated in Brianna’s section. The young lady, whom we’ll call Clarice, then ordered an adult libation. Brianna wasn’t sure that Clarice was of legal drinking age, so like the Law and Applebee’s company policy dictate, Brianna asked Clarice for some form of identification to verify that Clarice was indeed of the age of majority. Clarice happily complied and presented a drivers license to the waitress.
The ID that Clarice showed the server was Brianna’s stolen drivers license! This is what is commonly referred to as “Karma” or as I like to call it, “a swift kick in the nuts”.
Do Not Pass “Go”
One can only imagine what Brianna was thinking. But, she kept her cool and calmly took Clarice’s drink order then proceeded to call the local constabulary post haste.
Clarice was taken into police custody and charged with a bunch of shit that will keep her behind bars for a few years.
Thank you, Matt, for this heartwarming story of what goes around comes around. I can always count on you to deliver the goods, all in the name of Good Old Fashioned Dumbassery.
Now about that horse head….
I have written many stories about dead people for Dumbass News. For a plethora (<==gratuitous El Guapo link) of reasons, I have deemed that each of these stories contained the requisite amount of dumbassery needed to make it into “print”.
Some Examples of Dead Guy Stories
Strangely enough, and befitting this blog, two of the most popular Dead Guy Stories involve sex. I’m tellin’ ya that there’s a lot of dyin’ goin’ on when people are bumpin’ uglies.
In one story, the woman said, “Ooooo Big Daddy make my day!” That’s when the gun went off. See for yourself.
Another Biggie is the one about the guy that was cheating on his wife and died during a threesome!
One of the most popular stories in the History of This Blog is about the Frozen Dead Guy of Nederland, Colorado. I used to live in Nederland, so I can personally vouch for the authenticity of the Frozen Dead Guy.
A Different Kind of Dead Guy Story
|Deposit $36,000 Please|
While the aforementioned tales of the crypt are certainly Dumbass News-worthy, the lack something that today’s Dead Guy Story has – revenge from the grave!
Here’s the thumbnail version: Guy kills another guy. Family of Dead Guy sues killer for the cost of the victim’s funeral. Judge grants Family of Dead Guy’s request. Nothing unusual – yet.
The Catch: Dead Guy was a member of Hmong (pronounced “mung”) religious sect. The thing is that Hmongs have large funerals. Very large funerals. In this case the Big Adios lasted more than three days and included food and drink for all 500 guests. The tab? Thirty-six large. $36,000. Thirty-six grand.
Upon getting the ruling, the Killer’s lawyer went ape shit, saying that the average funeral costs only about $8000. The Judge in the case told the defense attorney “tough toenails, asswipe”,your client owes these people 36 Great Big Ones. Hizzoner also stated that it didn’t appear to him that the Dead Guy’s Family was running up the tab, they were just following Hmong tradition.
That’s some tradition they’ve got goin’ on there. Hell, when the time comes for me to buy the farm, my survivors could invite everyone I know and 500 people wouldn’t show up. Those who do show up, however, can throw back more likker than 500 Hmongs. Easy. Don’t even get me started on how much food they could inhale.
And there ain’t a Hmong amongst ’em.
It was on this date in 1977, The King died. yes, on Augusta 16, 1977 Elvis Presley was found dead in the bathroom of his beloved Graceland mansion.
I still remember when I found out this sad news about the King. Elvis had to be the coolest guy to ever live. renting out movie theaters and amusement parks just so he could enjoy a “normal” life away from being the King of Rock n Roll. He did all this not only for himself, but for his what was called his Memphis Mafia, those friends closest to him and their families.
But this post is to bury Elvis not praise him. Since The Coolest Guy Ever died while on his Throne, I wanted to commemorate this auspicious occasion with a story of the same nature. A story of a Dumbass in the People’s Republic of Boulder who didn’t die taking a shit, but who was busted for being a Peeping Tom with port-o-potties being his venue of choice.
Port-o-Potties, the Bain of Mankind
I have written stories about Dumbasses and Port-o-Potties before. Like this one about a guy who enjoys doo doo diving in them. And this tale of a guy who got hammered then got locked in a Port-o-Potty overnight. Ain’t that some shit?
|The Potty Peeper & His Shit Lawyer***|
Now comes the story of some Dumbass who made peep holes in port-o-potties being used at a yoga festival! This jackass got kicks on Route 66 by looking at wimmin peeing and pooping (wimmin poop they don’t shit) in between yoga routines. Ain’t that some shit?
What the hell kind of fetish is it that a man gets his jollies by watching wimmin use the head? While he is up to his waist in waste inside the tank of the toilet! If some dumbass were so inclined to do something like this, wouldn’t it be more “practical” to peep into the dressing room area? Nekkid wimmin vs pooping wimmin is a no brainer in my book, but I have absolutely no desire to be a Peeping Tom. Except when Mrs. Fearless Leader and I play our “little game” on Saturday nights.
But I digress.
Naturally, I have some questions and it is incumbent upon me as your Saturday Night Freakapalooza Fearless Leader to bring these querries to the forefront.
- Where is the outcry from the fine Liberal Pansies of Boulder for port-o-potty control? Let the federal Gubmint regulate the manufacture and sale of port-o-potties across this land! Why not? You Commie Pussies want the gubmint to run your life from cradle to grave, why not let have at portable shitters as well?
- How does a guy create peep holes in numerous potties on the go (hahahahaha I made a funny) and not get noticed?
- Why in Gawd’s name would a guy want create peep holes in numerous potties on the go in the first place?
- Peeping from tank itself ? Enough said.
- Why isn’t this Dumbass in a mental institution somewhere?
- Elvis still dead. Unless he is still living a hermit’s existence in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Is K-town on the UP of Michigan? If so, does that make the King of Rock n Roll a Yooper?
***From the Boulder Daily Camera***
Today’s story involves lost jewelry. Very expensive lost jewelry.
That’s one thing I have never understood. Why people wear expensive baubles and beadfs aroung like most other people wear watches or wedding rings. Are they showing off? Maybe. Are the just doing what they think is OK? Probably. Could it be that they are just plain old Dumbasses? Most likely.
|Not a White Little Old Lady|
Not a White Little Old Lady
The worst offenders in this type of “Look at me!” Dumbassey are rappers and athletes. Even the White Guys. I have seen White Guys wearing chains big enough to use on a Harley. The Black Guys, though, bring bling beyond blinding to blistering., like looking directly at the Sun through a telescope without the proper Solar filters. That’s some bright shit, bro!
The Other Worst Offenders
It may comes a surprise to you, but the absolute worst bling-wearing boneheads are White Little Old Ladies. Just like the bruthahs who accessorize like Mr. T, I have nothing against White Little Old Ladies. My Mother is a White Little Old Lady for criiminy’s sakes. I do, however, have a problem with someone wearing 100 pounds of bling on a 94 pound body. White Little Old Ladies….it’s very unbecoming.
I realize that some pieces of jewelry are family heirlooms and gifts from dearly departed loved ones, but putting them on display when you do everyday things like go to the Piggly Wiggly (for you Yoopers, that’s a supermarket chain in the South… and I don’t mean South Dee-troit either) to pick up some Spam and Egg Beaters.
To my way of thinking, wearing a shit load of gold and diamonds is like having a neon sign above your head flashing “Beat Me Up and Rob Me of My Bling!” Now, atletes and rappers can probably defend themselves with little or no difficulty, especially if they are packing a rod. (Again, for you Yoopers, that means “carrying a gun”). BANG! Dead Bad Guy. I am very fond of Dead Bad Guys. But, I digress.
Bling Can Be Lost, Too
In addition to being beaten the hell out of, mugged and maimed, losing your bling is also a very good possibility. And if you are sporting a ton of the shiny objects, how would you know if you lost one? Do you keep with you an inventory on the jewels you wear each day? Where? On your iPhone? that won’t do you any good, because the same Soon to Be Dead Bad Guy that ripped off your jewelry will also steal your iPhone. In other words, you are fucked.
Dammit, I digressed again.
Ask a lady in (Adolph Coors Company) Golden, Colorado about accidentally losing precious personal jewelry. She recently lost ten large (I have already given the Yoopers lessons on “large”) worth of jewels when she flushed them down the toilet!
From 9News (Colorado’s News Leader!): “Wilkerson said she took her rings off at a water park so she wouldn’t lose them. She rolled them in Kleenex and put them in her bag.
“Well, during the day I had blown my nose, and I had thrown more Kleenexes in there, so when I got home I just grabbed the Kleenexes, threw them down the toilet,” she said.
She went to bed and woke up in a panic.
“And I started screaming, ‘Oh, my gosh! I flushed my rings down the toilet,'” she said.”
In scientific terms, this is called “self-inflicted Dumbassery”. Mrs. W had to know she was headed to the water park, so why would she wear all the valuables there any way? She’s a White Little Old Lady! That’s why!
There is a nice ending to the story, thankfully, as some Sewer Guys (no word on whether they were wearing bling or not) found Mrs. W’s valuable bling and returned it to her.
Let this be a lesson to not only Mrs. W, but to all White Little Old Ladies across the country.
|Bad Guy Repellant – 3 Nifty Sizes|
The lesson: If you are gonna wear a bunch of expensive shit to do every day make sure it is secure on your person. And pack heat. Major heat. Glock 9mm will do nicely.
Ladies and Gentlemen, a matter of the utmost urgency has come to my attention!
|Frozen Dead Guy, F I P (Freeze In Peace)|
Frozen Dead Guy
First, a little background. many years ago I lived in a quaint (read: they had a likker store & pot was easy to find) little village nestled high in the Rocky Mountains about 15 miles up the canyon from Boulder, Colorado, in a very small town called Nederland. I loved that place, man. At 8299 feet above sea level, Ned, as it is called by the locals, was a little more than halfway to the highest point in Colorado, nearly as high as I was most of the time. Ned is a heavy duty locale with some great residents and just enough to do to keep you busy. Bars with small dance floors, live music on the weekends and some pretty good grub in the local eateries. However, Nederland, Colorado is better known as the Home of the Frozen Dead Guy. For real. An Honest-to-God frozen dead guy. Take a minute to learn about Bredo the Frozen Dead Guy from the link I put back there. <——-.
Thank God for Amanda MacDonald
It’s a bit of a long story about the Frozen Dead Guy (new link), so for those of you dumbasses that are too lazy to read the previous link, I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version. Bredo Morstoel was a living breathing human bean until the day he died. After he died, he was frozen. He wanted it that way. (Read the damn LINKS up there ^^^^^!!!) Having been turned into dead guy popsicle, it just wasn’t right to call him “Bredo” anymore. So, a caring resident of Nederland, whom we’ll call The Stoned Guy, thought to himself, ” Having been turned into dead guy popsicle, it just isn’t right to call him “Bredo” anymore. I know! Let’s call him Frozen Dead Guy!” I told you the dumbass was stoned! The dumbass, in his state of stoned-ness also had another drug-induced brainstorm. “Let’s have an annual festival in honor of the Frozen Dead Guy an call it “Frozen Dead Guy Days”! We can hold this hoedown in late winter every year!” (March 2-4, 2012) I present to you the definitive case for the legalization of pot. The idea of Frozen.Dead.Guy.Days. It couldn’t be any more obvious.
Foreign Agents Try to Buy Frozen Dead Guy
Very recently, a cabal of Communist Spies and Men of Intrigue hatched a nefarious plot to gain possession of Frozen Dead Guy through any.means.at.their.disposal. Not long ago, this gang of vicious, underhanded, evil foreigners sneaked their way into Nederland to carry out this diabolical scheme.These bad, bad men are far more than your every day Commie Infiltrators. What I am about to divulge to you gives me the willies just letting the thought enter my mind. If I turn up dead and frozen, the investigation to my untimely demise must begin and end with these satanic bastards! If I must die at the hands of these madmen, I am putting my faith in one member of the Dumbass Horde to not rest until all of the gory details of my Departure from this Veil of Tears have been revealed and adjudicated to the satisfaction of my widow and children, as well as the local authorities and the Texas Rangers. (No, Dumbass! NOT the baseball team! The Law Enforcement Guys!) God bless you. Whoever you may turn out to be.
Putting My Life at Risk By Telling “The Big Secret”
The Organization of the Godless Commie Bastard Assassins, the OGCBA, that I have exposed to you in this blog post are brutal outlaws ten times worse than the Hells Angels. That’s how grave the danger in which I put my very existence is. Simply put, I am a Dead Man Walking. But, I regret that I have only one life to sacrifice for the Frozen Dead Guy, the Town of Nederland, my friends who live there and to my family in Texas, Colorado and here, in Maine. I shall keep an eye on you from On High. Please remember me.
The Big Secret
Now that I am resigned to my Fate, it is time for me to expose the horrible misdeeds that almost destroyed everything and everybody surrounding the Frozen Dead Guy. The lair of Satan’s Minions that I have plied you with information about will no longer find safety behind the cloak of anonymity.
These blood sucking vampires, whose scorched Earth blueprint for the nothing-less-than-total annihilation of all that is Holy in Nederland, are members of an unrepentant society whose vision of snatching priceless heirlooms, like Frozen Dead Guy, and using them for nothing but their own twisted view of celebration.
The gate Keepers of Hell of whom I speak are…..Partners in a Public Relations Firm whose sole purpose in life was to purchase Frozen Dead Guy and move him to Denver! There! I’ve said it! God, please protect me! I know deep in my heart of hearts that this revelation is something so shocking, so sinister, so gosh darn mean, that many of you fainted dead away upon reading this horrific news! Do these men have no souls? Moving Frozen Dead Guy to Denver is comparable to the Pope becoming Scientologist. Unthinkable!
This pack of Commie Sympathizer wolves had not anticipated one particular thing happening during their relentless pursuit of Frozen Dead Guy and their evil intentions once they had succeeded in pilfering him from his rightful Earthly family in Nederland. What base had they left uncovered, what detail had they overlooked, what stone had been left unturned?
These “men”, the Organization of Godless Commie Bastard Assassins and PR Guys, had not counted on a smallish woman with the ferocity of a pit bull to throw a rusty Monkey Wrench into their well-oiled Doomsday for Nederland Master Plan!
Our Heroine in this Saga of International (OK, between Denver & Nederland; inter-city?) Intrigue and Suspense is Ned’s own Amanda MacDonald! Never once thinking of the peril of embedding herself in this pit of Big City Vipers, Amanda went straight to Nederland City Officials and laid down her own hard earned cheese (cash, for y’all in Newark, NJ) and bought Frozen Dead Guy and the Frozen Dead Guy Days event for the sole purpose of keeping the festival in Nederland.
In an interview with the Leading Liberal Weenie Communist Daily Boulder Camera, Amanda said of her new toy, that Chamber of Commerce and city officials in Ned “really wanted to keep it local, and they did make it affordable for me [to buy the event], I think, with this kind of understanding: that rather than some promotion company from Denver [taking it over], I wouldn’t really change it drastically,” MacDonald said. Honestly, I just wanted to see it stay in town. It’s really Nederland’s event.”
“It’s really Nederland’s event”. Powerful words. Inspiring words. Words of a sage. Words that cost Amanda a shit load of cash. Standing in the way of an oncoming PR Freight Train, Amanda stood steady, firm, unyielding, unwavering in her convictions when confronted by a monster so hellbent on seizing Frozen Dead Guy and the festival that bears his name, Amanda pulled off what was once thought to be impossible, stompin’ a mud hole in a bunch of suit-wearin’ sissies from Denver trying to bull doze the unsuspecting citizens of Nederland and escape with a Ned Treasure more valuable to them than a bottle of good Scotch to Amy Winehouse – Frozen Dead Guy.
Let this be a lesson to us all. A lesson in courage. A lesson in determination in the face of overwhelming odds. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. David slays Goliath.
Amanda, I along with the tens of members of The Dumbass Horde salute you. well, we would salute you if we all weren’t mental midgets. But, it’s the thought that counts. Also…..as the Head Dumbass, it is my high privilege and distinct honor to bestow upon you the Title of Dumbass Laureate. We bow to you, Amanda MacDonald. Forevermore your name will bring to mind words like visionary, steadfastness and hundreds of other words that not a damn one of us understand. We, however, do know one of us when we see one. And Amanda MacDonald, you are one of us. We are blessed by Heaven to be calling you sister, friend, heroine to dozens and…..
|Treat her with respect|
The United States of America is routinely ridiculed and scoffed at by dumbasses all over the world. No surprise there. But! Our country is also berated by some her own citizens, mostly Liberal, Commie, Marxist and various and sundry other dumbasses. We have grown to expect such derision from leftist shit for brains freaks, but a recent case of America trashing comes from a school in Fort Collins, Colorado.
I lived in Colorado on and off for over 20 years and I love the place, but it is loaded with Liberal pussies, mostly from California. Side Note: there’s an ongoing saying in Colorado that goes like this: “Don’t Californicate Colorado”. I agree. Californians flee the massive tax burden they are faced with in their home state only to move to Colorado and try to establish the same damn system! The locals don’t like that much. End of Side Note.
Back to the topic at hand. At Bauder Elementary School in Fort Collins, the school routinely flies the flag of a foreign country along side Old Glory to recognize the nationality of various students attending the school. Question: Barring the newly arrived foreign students and wetbacks, if the kids are attending an American school, shouldn’t they be Americans? Why is there a need to fly another country’s flag, especially when the flag being flown is that of a country that despises us??!! In this case, the flag of Saudi Arabia.
Yup. I said Saudi Arabia. you know the country who sponsors terrorism (9/11 hijackers anyone?), brutally murders in cold blood it’s own citizens protesting the rule of a tyrant and treats women as property. Yeah. That Saudi Arabia.
One fine day Bauder Elemenatry School’s Principal decided it was a good day to fly the flag of SA next to the American flag. I don’t like this idea, but it’s their school. Here’s where I get pissed off. The dumbasses who hoisted the SA flag atop the flagpole then lowered the American flag to a position lower than the Saudi banner. I am a dumbass and I immediately knew that something ain’t right here. So I used the powers of my Google Fu to further investigate. this what I found at ushistory.org:
4. When flags of States, cities, or localities, or pennants of societies are flown on the same halyard with the flag of the United States, the latter should always be at the peak. When the flags are flown from adjacent staffs, the flag of the United States should be hoisted first and lowered last. No such flag or pennant may be placed above the flag of the United States or to the right of the flag of the United States (the viewer’s left). When the flag is half-masted, both flags are half-masted, with the US flag at the mid-point and the other flag below.
When the story of this bullshit was run in a local newspaper, the feces made contact with the rotating blade. In other words, the shit hit the fan. Folks in Fort Collins were not amused. Long story short, the situation was corrected and the school will no longer display the US flag in such a demeaning manner. That’s as it should be.
My problem with this deal is: how stoopid are the administrators at Bauder? Do they not have computers and the slightest idea of how to use Google to find proper flag etiquette for stuff like this? I took me all of 10 seconds to find a site dedicated to the proper display and care of the American flag. And why in the name of God do they feel a need to recognize any student’s nationality? The answer to this question is easy. It’s a feel good thing for the sake of diversity and multiculturalism. I bet the assholes that run the school won’t let the kids keep score during a game of kick ball. We are all the same! There are no losers! Kids’ self esteem must be considered over everything else! Fuck that shit. If the powers that be want to show a student the flag of his nationality, give him a fucking encyclopedia! Don’t fly another nation’s flag while disrespecting our own! Also, learn to use Google for the love of God! Another question: Would this school fly the flags of Israel or the Vatican? Hell no….too Jewish and Catholic, even though the Vatican is a sovereign nation.
Quit flying the colors of other countries and stick to the one that gives you the right to be a miserable douchebag…Old Glory.