Category: Commie

Beer Delivery Through 9-1-1!

“A 6 Pack of Bud at 222 Elm St., Mr. Smith? It’ll Be Right Over!”
Best of Dumbass News
 
I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It’s a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states – Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can’t even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That’s Communism pure and simple. “But, Toby!”, you protest. “You don’t even drink, so what’s the big deal?” Well, here’s your answer, smartypants. It’s un-American! It’s every American drunk’s right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state – like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado – they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it’s too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.

There’s a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven – driven, I say! – to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord’s Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin’ for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn’t deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn’t really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He’d make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah…and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that’s another story for another day.

Dumbass.

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Smackin’ Around Dumbass Leftists

Happy Birthday to the United States Marine Corps! Semper Fi!

Best of Dumbass News

I owe some members of the Dumbass Horde an apology. This specific “wing” of the Horde are the Dumbasses who come to this two time award-winning blog (as proof I’ll add the award logo to the sidebar soon) to bitch, moan,complain and scream raaaaacism, amongst other lies brought on by a major lack of reading comprehension, about what I write. Products of public schools no doubt. Or products of Liberal Pussy parents. But I repeat myself.

My apology, sincere and heartfelt, is due to the fact that I forgot to wish those Dumbasses a Happy May Day. May Day is a big deal in the Commie World that these pencil neck weenies occupy (Wall Street). I made a Commie Funny, huh, Comrades? Now before you Marxist asswipes start crying about what a mean and misinformed Neanderthal I am, let me point you to the official Commie perspective of May Day. I’ll write very slowly so you can understand what it is that you are protesting/making a damn fool of yourself/looking like a brain dead moonbat for. Click. This. Link. To. Learn. Something.

Or get somebody to read it to you, as it has no pretty pictures of unicorns shitting Skittles.

I’ll wait for you.

Such Nice Young People

Now that, via the link above, I have handed you your worthless ass on a silver platter by presenting those pesky things called facts, don’t come crying to me when one day you grow up and/or get out of rehab and realize that on all those occasions in which you participated in an Occupy (insert latest Commie Buzz Word here) event, you were trashing the country and the founding documents that allowed you to make a total boil on the ass of Humanity out of yourself.

You should thank a Conservative for helping to stave off your “leaders'” efforts to destroy what True Americans hold dear – the God-given Right to Be a Dumbass. Or worse.

Better yet, thank a cop or a current or past member of the Armed Forces of the United States for fighting, and in millions of instances giving up their LIFE, so you can breathe the air of those you are “protesting”. By “protesting” I of course mean harassing, intimidating and otherwise disrespecting. But what’s a little taking a shit on a police car or a few rapes in your tent cities between friends?

You guys kill me. In a metaphorical sense of the word, of course.

Free Advice from a Redneck 

OK, Occupy Pus Pockets, because I believe and have hope in even the worst of the worst of you, I feel compelled to pass along some things you might want to learn and commit to memory. Best of all, I’ll do it for free! You used tampons like free stuff don’t you? Then you’ll absolutely love what I am about to edify you with, again, at no cost to you. Yet.

Free Things for Smelly Commie Pussies to Keep in Mind

  • Hope and pray that the next cop car you take a dump on is being driven by a police officer who is in a real good mood. Otherwise, he/she just might take exception with your actions and relocate you to a nice cozy jail cell in Harlem, occupied (<—another Commie funny; I kill me) by a former enforcer for the Black Panthers named “Foot Long” who hasn’t had butt sex for an extended period of time. “Foot Long” will show your anal cavity some real occupation.
  • It would behoove you to keep abreast of which of the people you are irritating the hell out of have 6th Degree Black Belts in some form of Asian self defense that I can’t even pronounce, much less spell. As a Public Service to you, I present the tale of a dearly departed Chinese guy who was the recipient of a form of this discipline called Gazebo Fu. 
  • While I do not condone violence unless it is necessary to the plot, I, and many folks just like me, are prepared to a) kick your stinking unAmerican ass if provoked to that point or b) if within the parameters of the Law, blow you and your crotch critters to Kingdom Come. An example of this type of retribution would be if you harmed, or attempted to harm, our women or children or threatened the sanctity of our property, thus creating a sense of fear for the safety of our families. That’s just common sense. Deal. With. It.
  •  Here’s a very valuable, yet free, reminder about the mindset of some of the people you are fucking with. The only reason they carry (with proper certification, licensing, etc.) a .45 is that Smith & Wesson doesn’t make a .46. I’m just sayin’
  • You are breathing their air.

Still With Me?

That’s about all I have for now, Comrade. I hope you find the information in this post useful, because it is certainly pertinent to the situation in which you have put yourselves. Re-read it (or have it re-read to you) and be uplifted.

I hope and pray that you Green Turds in the Punch Bowl can maintain a modicum of civility towards those with whom you so vehemently disagree and consider yourselves fortunate that they have acted towards you with little more than looks of disgust, which you so richly deserve and feelings of pity, which you don’t.

And take a bath. The lice in your dog shit-lookin’ hair do haven’t had a drop of water in weeks.

Idiots. And…

Dumbasses.

A Day Late: Happy May Day! I’d Like to Kick Your Ass! Twice.

I owe some members of the Dumbass Horde an apology. This specific “wing” of the Horde are the Dumbasses who come to this two time award-winning blog (as proof I’ll add the award logo to the sidebar soon) to bitch, moan,complain and scream raaaaacism, amongst other lies brought on by a major lack of reading comprehension, about what I write. Products of public schools no doubt. Or products of Liberal Pussy parents. But I repeat myself.

My apology, sincere and heartfelt, is due to the fact that I forgot to wish those Dumbasses a Happy May Day. May Day is a big deal in the Commie World that these pencil neck weenies occupy (Wall Street). I made a Commie Funny, huh, Comrades? Now before you Marxist asswipes start crying about what a mean and misinformed Neanderthal I am, let me point you to the official Commie perspective of May Day. I’ll write very slowly so you can understand what it is that you are protesting/making a damn fool of yourself/looking like a brain dead moonbat for. Click. This. Link. To. Learn. Something.

Or get somebody to read it to you, as it has no pretty pictures of unicorns shitting Skittles.

I’ll wait for you.

Such Nice Young People

Now that, via the link above, I have handed you your worthless ass on a silver platter by presenting those pesky things called facts, don’t come crying to me when one day you grow up and/or get out of rehab and realize that on all those occasions in which you participated in an Occupy (insert latest Commie Buzz Word here) event, you were trashing the country and the founding documents that allowed you to make a total boil on the ass of Humanity out of yourself.

You should thank a Conservative for helping to stave off your “leaders'” efforts to destroy what True Americans hold dear – the God-given Right to Be a Dumbass. Or worse.

Better yet, thank a cop or a current or past member of the Armed Forces of the United States for fighting, and in millions of instances giving up their LIFE, so you can breathe the air of those you are “protesting”. By “protesting” I of course mean harassing, intimidating and otherwise disrespecting. But what’s a little taking a shit on a police car or a few rapes in your tent cities between friends?

You guys kill me. In a metaphorical sense of the word, of course.

Free Advice from a Redneck 


OK, Occupy Pus Pockets, because I believe and have hope in even the worst of the worst of you, I feel compelled to pass along some things you might want to learn and commit to memory. Best of all, I’ll do it for free! You used tampons like free stuff don’t you? Then you’ll absolutely love what I am about to edify you with, again, at no cost to you. Yet.

Free Things for Smelly Commie Pussies to Keep in Mind

  • Hope and pray that the next cop car you take a dump on is being driven by a police officer who is in a real good mood. Otherwise, he/she just might take exception with your actions and relocate you to a nice cozy jail cell in Harlem, occupied (<—another Commie funny; I kill me) by a former enforcer for the Black Panthers named “Foot Long” who hasn’t had butt sex for an extended period of time. “Foot Long” will show your anal cavity some real occupation.
  • It would behoove you to keep abreast of which of the people you are irritating the hell out of have 6th Degree Black Belts in some form of Asian self defense that I can’t even pronounce, much less spell. As a Public Service to you, I present the tale of a dearly departed Chinese guy who was the recipient of a form of this discipline called Gazebo Fu. 
  • While I do not condone violence unless it is necessary to the plot, I, and many folks just like me, are prepared to a) kick your stinking unAmerican ass if provoked to that point or b) if within the parameters of the Law, blow you and your crotch critters to Kingdom Come. An example of this type of retribution would be if you harmed, or attempted to harm, our women or children or threatened the sanctity of our property, thus creating a sense of fear for the safety of our families. That’s just common sense. Deal. With. It.
  •  Here’s a very valuable, yet free, reminder about the mindset of some of the people you are fucking with. The only reason they carry (with proper certification, licensing, etc.) a .45 is that Smith & Wesson doesn’t make a .46. I’m just sayin’
  • You are breathing their air.

Still With Me?

That’s about all I have for now, Comrade. I hope you find the information in this post useful, because it is certainly pertinent to the situation in which you have put yourselves. Re-read it (or have it re-read to you) and be uplifted.

I hope and pray that you Green Turds in the Punch Bowl can maintain a modicum of civility towards those with whom you so vehemently disagree and consider yourselves fortunate that they have acted towards you with little more than looks of disgust, which you so richly deserve and feelings of pity, which you don’t.

And take a bath. The lice in your dog shit-lookin’ hair do haven’t had a drop of water in weeks.

Idiots. And…

Dumbasses.

Best of "Dumbass News": Ordering Beer Through 911!

I wrote this post last May, I think, and it contains an absolutely Nobel Prize Worthy in Economics solution to the financial difficulties that face the Communist State of Connecticut. It’s such a simple plan, that I’m surprised some Commie Connecticutter hasn’t proposed it yet. You’ll recognize the sheer brilliance of this idea right away. Provided you are not a Commie Connecticutter. Or a tea totaler. 

I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It’s a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states – Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can’t even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That’s Communism pure and simple. “But, Toby!”, you protest. “You don’t even drink, so what’s the big deal?” Well, here’s your answer, smartypants. It’s un-American! It’s every American drunk’s right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state – like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado – they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it’s too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.

“A 6 pack of Bud to 222 Maine Street? We’re on the way, Mr. Jones!”

There’s a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven – driven, I say! – to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord’s Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin’ for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn’t deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn’t really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He’d make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah…and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that’s another story for another day.

Dumbass.

The Worlwide Horde of Dumbasses Overwhelms Commie State Gubmint of Maryland!

Commie State of Maryland Flag

Dumbasses from all over the world come through!!! Viva Dumbasses!

Today is monumental day for Dumbass News. For the first time in the history of this blog, I am rescinding the Dumbass of the Day Award to someone. It’s a simple decision really. A few days ago, I wrote this post about the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland billing the family of a young woman who was killed in an automobile accident when she ran into a guardrail.

The Commie State Gubmint of Maryland reconsidered their dumbass decision after much criticism from both thousands of Dumbass News readers from all around my neighborhood over the globe I’d like to say. I’d like to say that but I am a bit skeptical of it. As of now, however, I’d like to remove the West Texas Mojo Curse off the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland and thank them for coming to their senses about such a boneheaded thing to do. Although the West Texas Mojo Curse has been removed, it can at any time for any reason be reinstated as I see fit. Having said that, I’d also like to say that the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland is still a Commie State Gubmint.They will remain on Dumbass Double Super Secret Probation until I and I alone decide that they are worthy of being designated otherwise. After all, they are still…

…Dumbasses.

21Year Old Woman Dies in Crash, State Sends Parents a Bill for Guardrail Damage!

WARNING! This post contains language that may not be suitable for work and certainly IS NOT suitable for children. You have been WARNED!

In Remembrance***

This story could only happen in a Commie place like Maryland. Or New York. Or California. Or Illinois (specifically Chicago). I’m glad I came across this story because it gives me a chance to piss off a bunch of pansy Liberals. I don’t like pansy Liberals. At all. They are a bunch of big government, intellectually bankrupt, holier than thou pussies. Let me spalin.

This past May 29 a terrible car accident killed 21 year old Sarah Marie Stebbins of Columbia, Maryland. needless to say her parents were crushed at the news of their young, vibrant daughter dieing so young and so unexpectedly. Life ain’t supposed to go like that. Parents are supposed to die first, not their children.

It has been less than three months since this tragic event and Sarah’s parents are still grief-stricken about it. I cannot and do not ever want to know what the Stebbinses are going through. I can only offer them prayers and hope that they mourning will go away soon, as if it ever will. God bless them. To prove much they care, the Commie State of Maryland sent the Stebbinses a letter concerning the crash that took their daughter’s life. At first glance, you’d think, “Well, how nice. A letter of sympathy from the State.” But hold on thar, Babba Louie! This wasn’t exactly a letter of condolences. It was more like a bill for the damages to the guardrail that Sarah hit when she died! Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.? To add insult to injury, the State of Maryland threw in a complimentary copy of the accident report for free! Mad yet? Sit down or prepare to go ape shit crazy, there’s one last little tidbit that pus the cherry on top of the shit flavored ice cream that is the Commie State of Maryland. The state gubmint also sent with the bill and the accident report…get…ready…wait…for…it…a letter of deliquency! Here’s a quote from the Commie State of Maryland’s letter to the Stebbinses, “Invoices are considered delinquent if not paid within 30 days of the invoice date. Delinquent invoices may be reported to credit reporting bureaus. Invoices referred to the Maryland Central Collection Unit will be charged an additional collection fee of 17 percent on unpaid balances as per Maryland law.” I am so furious I could spit sparks right now. I am gonna take a quick break from typing this bullshit, then I’ll be back to belittle, berate and otherwise blast the Commie State of Maryland. Gimme a minute.

OK, I am back.

Where to begin? First, I have never been to Maryland. I understand it’s a great place with a a lot of good people. Unfortunately, none of those good people, it seems, work for the Commie State Gubmint. Second, fuck you, Commie State of Maryland Gubmint, especially the Godless bastard who is responsible for sending out this letter to the Stebbinses! I’d rather crawl over a mile of razor blades then swim through a lake of rubbing alcohol infested with hungry crocodiles than to ever spend one fucking penny in that hell hole of a place called Maryland. And for good measure, fuck you dumbasses again! have you cock suckers no decency? A 21 year old woman is DEAD and her parents are grieving over her tragic death and you butt fucking pussies want to bill them for a fucking guardrail??!! And threaten to ruin their credit? And charge them interest? You Communist assholes have not only crossed the line of decorum and common sense, you have obliterated it. For the love of God, oh wait….you people are Godless Commies, so let me try a new approach…fuck you and the crab you rode in on!

I was going to go into the politics of Maryland, but they have already proven to the world that they are a bunch of low life shit stains with their actions directed to the Stebbinses. Rest assured, Commie State of Maryland, that I will do everything in my power to keep decent people from all over the world to never visit, drive through, take a vacation, attend an Orioles or Ravens game or otherwise breathe the foul air that smothers your taxed out the ass, crime riddled, punk ass, tiny hell hole again. Your Commie State has over taken California (the State, not the people, except Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer) as the place that God would give this country an enema. Assholes.

In conclusion, I’d like to ask you, Commie State of Maryland, have said “fuck you” lately? OK. Fuck you!

Dumbasses.

**This is NOT an image of the dead girl in this story***