Category: Condoms

Obama Condoms? Why Not? He’s Screwing the Whole Damn Country

It’s Second Chance Sunday for you Dumbasses.

Obama Cond

Back in the 70’s there was a joke going around about Richard Nixon where the punchline was something like this: ‘No, but we’ve got a dick in the White House screwing the whole country”. Jokes, good and bad, tend to come around in new iterations many years later. Recently someone (I forget who, sorry) called the current Dumbass-in-Chief a “dick”. There are prolly a few decent “dick” jokes that can be made from that bit of wisdom, but they wouldn’t be nearly as funny since our current President is not named “Dick”. He’s just a “dick”.  Just ask Jose the Condom Guy in New York City.

Jose has been selling “novelties” in the Big Apple for a while now and he has also had some run-ins with the NYPD. Long story short. Jose went to Court and won the right to sell his “novelties” as an unlicensed vendor in the the City. The City appealed the decision and the police continue to arrest Jose when he’s doing business on NYC streets. Wonder if it’s because NYC is a Liberal haven and Jose is selling condoms with Preznit Obama’s image on them? But who am I to speculate on such things? I am a dumbass, that’s who!Now, I have a question. Would the City of New York go after Jose if he sold condoms with, oh I don’t know, George W. Bush’s image on them? I think I know the answer.

More and more Americans each day are coming to the realization that our Fearless Leader is a dick and if the shoe condom fits…I really didn’t intend for this post to go in this direction, it just kind of happened. Do I apologize? Not only “no”, but “hell no”! Obama is a 98 pound weakling on a beach full of body builders, so why apologize? And why stop Jose from expressing his opinion with his Obama condoms? The Courts have already ruled in his favor, and until that decision is overturned, he’s within his rights to do so. Freedom of speech, anyone?

So screw (with an Obama condom, of course) the higher ups in the NYPD and/or City of New York who continue to harass this man. Bunch of dicks…I mean…

…Dumbasses.

Obama Condoms and Dickishness in NYC

Obama Condoms

Back in the 70’s there was a joke going around about Richard Nixon where the punchline was something like this: ‘No, but we’ve got a dick in the White House screwing the whole country”. Jokes, good and bad, tend to come around in new iterations many years later. Recently someone (I forget who, sorry) called the current Dumbass-in-Chief a “dick”. There are prolly a few decent “dick” jokes that can be made from that bit of wisdom, but they wouldn’t be nearly as funny since our current President is not named “Dick”. He’s just a “dick”.  Just ask Jose the Condom Guy in New York City.

Jose has been selling “novelties” in the Big Apple for a while now and he has also had some run-ins with the NYPD. Long story short. Jose went to Court and won the right to sell his “novelties” as an unlicensed vendor in the the City. The City appealed the decision and the police continue to arrest Jose when he’s doing business on NYC streets. Wonder if it’s because NYC is a Liberal haven and Jose is selling condoms with Preznit Obama’s image on them? But who am I to speculate on such things? I am a dumbass, that’s who!Now, I have a question. Would the City of New York go after Jose if he sold condoms with, oh I don’t know, George W. Bush’s image on them? I think I know the answer.

More and more Americans each day are coming to the realization that our Fearless Leader is a dick and if the shoe condom fits…I really didn’t intend for this post to go in this direction, it just kind of happened. Do I apologize? Not only “no”, but “hell no”! Obama is a 98 pound weakling on a beach full of body builders, so why apologize? And why stop Jose from expressing his opinion with his Obama condoms? The Courts have already ruled in his favor, and until that decision is overturned, he’s within his rights to do so. Freedom of speech, anyone?

So screw (with an Obama condom, of course) the higher ups in the NYPD and/or City of New York who continue to harass this man. Bunch of dicks…I mean…

…Dumbasses.

Trojan Whores(es)

There is a sure-fire new criterium for choosing a college for your kids. Once I tell you about this amazing school-choosing tool, you’ll quickly dismiss things such as graduation rates and curriculum as old fashioned and unnecessary. And to think, this new factor in determining an institution of higher learning for your kid (and your hard-earned money) has been right in front of you (pun intended, you’ll see why in a second) The answer to this age old question is condoms! See? I told you the answer was right in front of you. But I digress. Those dumbass bastions of virtue at Trojan Condoms have, at great expense (and free samples, I’m sure), done a study that, with great fanfare, has ranked the thirteen colleges in the United States that are the most “sexually healthy” in the whole damn country! Now that’s a study we can all get behind! Another pun! I am on a roll! I ain’t makin’ this stuff up. Here’s a short paragraph directly from the article on parentdish.com: “Trojan. The condom giant just released its fifth annual Sexual Health Report Card, which looked at 141 colleges and ranked them according to the quality and accessibility of their sexual health resources. The report zeroes in on 12 categories ranging from contraceptive availability and STD testing to sexual assault programs, according to a news release. Each school was given a “GPA” based on its average in the areas, with 4.0, naturally, being the highest possible rating.” I know I feel much better now that Trojan is on the ball.

I am going to present the rankings exactly as they appear in the Parent Dish article.You might need a stiff drink (another pun! hahahahaha) after reading this, so prepare yourself. I hate to copy and paste too much, but if I didn’t, you’d think I was drunk or something. Here’s what I mean: “Columbia University in New York City topped the honor roll with a 3.70, distinguishing itself with Go Ask Alice, a comprehensive website that allows students to submit questions anonymously. Current topics span the health scope: “Keeping the flow with a condom,” “Numbing lube safety for anal sex” and “Quick and healthy bag lunches.”

Michigan State was ranked second with a 3.61, followed by Ohio State University. Also making the honor roll: University of Michigan, 3.55; Brown University, 3.50; University of Iowa, 3.49; University of Oregon, 3.44; Princeton University, 3.41; Rutgers, 3,38; University of Minnesota, 3.37; Western Michigan University, 3.28; Cornell, 3.22; and Yale, 3.17.” See? You would have thought I was hammered! I guess that all the fine Universities of the South must be sexually unhealthy. There’s not one in the Top 13! Dumbass Rednecks! I am telling you people of the South to get busy with the cousin’ humpin’ You are losing out to a bunch of Yankees for Pete’s sake! Oh, wait. Could it be that many colleges in the South are more conservative than their more “enlightened” (read : liberal) Northern brethren and sex before marriage is not something to be condoned? I mean, many places pass out free hypodermic needles to drug users and miraculously all intravenous drug use and the spread of aids have stopped! Oh, that’s right they haven’t. What a dumbass I am. I must admit that I am , by virtue of this study, more well-prepared to have a frank talk with my daughters about condom usage and “keeping the flow” as well as the use of ‘numbing lube safety for anal sex”. Abstinence, schmabstinence. Who needs to wait to be married to have sex? Use a condom and some ass-numbing lube and be sexually liberated! Excuse me while I go puke. Dumbasses.

**Photo from fotosearch.com**