Category: Connecticut

Beer Delivery Through 9-1-1!

“A 6 Pack of Bud at 222 Elm St., Mr. Smith? It’ll Be Right Over!”
Best of Dumbass News
 
I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It’s a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states – Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can’t even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That’s Communism pure and simple. “But, Toby!”, you protest. “You don’t even drink, so what’s the big deal?” Well, here’s your answer, smartypants. It’s un-American! It’s every American drunk’s right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state – like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado – they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it’s too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.

There’s a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven – driven, I say! – to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord’s Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin’ for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn’t deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn’t really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He’d make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah…and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that’s another story for another day.

Dumbass.

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Drinking Beer at the DUI Checkpoint!

Best of Dumbass News

As a former Professional Drinker, I could regale you with hours of stories of the stoopid shit I did while in a state of inebriation. Most of it was of the funny as hell variety, but some it was just plain damn dumb. While I am on the subject of being a Professional Drinker, I get asked a lot why I quit consuming adult beverages. The short answer: 1) it was simply time to quit. “nuff said. 2) No, I do not nor have I ever been to an an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I was a drunk, not an alcoholic. And finally, 3) how did I do it? Easy. I just stopped. Cold turkey. No big deal. Except to my family. See reason number 1 above.

Anyway, I did some dumbass stuff, yes, but I can say unequivocally that never once, nary a single time did I ever pull up to a sobriety check point while drinking a beer. I promise.

I can not say the same for David Caruso.

Not THAT David Caruso

There seems to be some confusion about the David Caruso in this story. He is NOT the TV Cop Guy from that CSI: Miami show. Don’t believe me? I offer you proof.

Not a TV Star Cop

Believe me now? OK…moving forward…..This incident took place in Connect-I-Cut, quite a jaunt from Miami, for the record.

Anyway…Connect-I-Cut cops had a sobriety check point set up recently while looking for drunk drivers. Senor Caruso was one of the lucky citizens who found his way into line on that night.

After, the obligatory 8 hour, 17 minute wait to get through the checkpoint line and assure The Fuzz of some good OT pay, Caruso is finally at the front when the cops notice that he (Caruso) is drinking a beer! While this in and of itself is pretty fucking stoopid, you will not believe what I am about to tell you. This is not David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy’s first run in with The Law involving booze! I knew that would catch you by surprise, but see if you can buck up and carry on from here, OK?

Previously on Dumbass at the Sobriety Check Point

David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy had a previous conviction for, you guessed it, drunk driving! Here comes the shocker…he was driving on a suspended license! A suspended license from….(?)…. his previous drunk driving conviction! This happens and awful lot, especially with the illegal Meskins who come over here to drink our beer and steal our wimmin. I know that for a fact. I read it on the internet. You can look look it up.

Bottom line is David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy is in for a stint at one of Connect-I-Cut’s luxury state penitentiaries where he’ll receive some lovely parting gifts for playing the game and he’ll also get some unwanted attention from various and sundry harden criminals who haven’t had in ass in 5 – 13 years.

Two things come out of this story. 1) another Drunk Driving Dumbass is off the road for a while and 2) David Caruso the I’m Not a TV Star Guy has lost his lifetime membership to DAMM – Drunks Against Mad Mothers.

Dumbass.

****Thanks to the HuffPuffPassPassDon’tBogartPost****

Hand Sanitizer: The New Vodka for Dumbasses

Why didn’t I think of this when I was a Professional Drinker?

Drunks or addicts are always looking for a new cheap way to get high. They resort to over the counter medications like Sudafed, Nyquil or even mouthwash in order to get a buzz. I am sure you have heard of this.

Just yesterday, however, I discovered a way to get a buzz on that would not in a million years have crossed my mind, and now that I know about it, still wouldn’t do it. But it’s a novel idea nonetheless.

The latest “magic elixir”? Hand sanitizer. Yes, that stuff you wash your hands with to get all those pesky viruses and other bad shit off of them. Not only does hand sanitizer rid your hands of bacteria that could make you sick, it packs quite a wallop evidently.

DUI

Clean Hands & a Clean Liver

A lady gets pulled over while driving because she was all over the road and nearly hit a parked car. Upon  approaching the lady, the office who pulled her over smelled alcohol. The lady denied that she had been drinking. At least she hadn’t been drinking likker. She had been slammin’ down hand sanitizer!

According to the Daily Mail, upon further review, she later admitted to downing half of a large bottle of hand sanitizer.
Medical experts said a 20z bottle of the liquid contains about the equivalent in alcohol of four vodka shots.
Wilcox, from Middlebury, Connecticut, is thought to have drank the equivalent of 32 shots giving her blood alcohol level of 0.17
In an interview with News 8 Wilcox, who decline to have her photograph taken, admitted to drinking hand sanitizer.

She said: ‘I just saw it there so I drank it.’

When asked how much she drank, she replied: ‘Half a bottle.’
She told the TV station she drank from a big bottle but after being charged with DUI said it was the last time.

Observations 

  • Hand sanitizer? Really?
  • Why?
  • Cheap vodka is only about seven bucks a bottle and tastes much better, I’m sure.
  • It was “just there”? Clorox Bleach is “just there”, but I can assure you that I have absolutely no inclination to grab a shot glass and go to town on it.
  • If it’s that good, why stop at half a bottle? Only amateur drinkers do this. Go for the Big Time, baby! Slam the whole damn bottle!   
  • How many hospital workers feel the urge to knock back a few shots of hand sanitizer while on duty? That shit is everywhere in hospitals and those people are under a tremendous amount of stress.
  • I will now take a Breathalyzer with me to all doctor visits and the occasional trip to the hospital. 
  • This is what happens when you live in a Communist State like Connecticut.
  • This calls for immediate Hand Sanitizer Control measures.
  • When they outlaw hand sanitizer, only outlaws will have hand sanitizer.
  • They can pry my hand sanitizer from my cold dead hands.
  • Does Rite Aid have this stuff on sale?

Dumbass.

Dumbass Driving & Drinking a Beer While at Sobriety Check Point!

As a former Professional Drinker, I could regale you with hours of stories of the stoopid shit I did while in a state of inebriation. Most of it was of the funny as hell variety, but some it was just plain damn dumb. While I am on the subject of being a Professional Drinker, I get asked a lot why I quit consuming adult beverages. The short answer: 1) it was simply time to quit. “nuff said. 2) No, I do not nor have I ever been to an an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I was a drunk, not an alcoholic. And finally, 3) how did I do it? Easy. I just stopped. Cold turkey. No big deal. Except to my family. See reason number 1 above.

Anyway, I did some dumbass stuff, yes, but I can say unequivocally that never once, nary a single time did I ever pull up to a sobriety check point while drinking a beer. I promise.

I can not say the same for David Caruso.


Not THAT David Caruso  

There seems to be some confusion about the David Caruso in this story. He is NOT the TV Cop Guy from that CSI: Miami show. Don’t believe me? I offer you proof.

Not a TV Star Cop

Believe me now? OK…moving forward…..This incident took place in Connect-I-Cut, quite a jaunt from Miami, for the record.

Anyway…Connect-I-Cut cops had a sobriety check point set up recently while looking for drunk drivers. Senor Caruso was one of the lucky citizens who found his way into line on that night.

After, the obligatory 8 hour, 17 minute wait to get through the checkpoint line and assure The Fuzz of some good OT pay, Caruso is finally at the front when the cops notice that he (Caruso) is drinking a beer! While this in and of itself is pretty fucking stoopid, you will not believe what I am about to tell you. This is not David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy’s first run in with The Law involving booze! I knew that would catch you by surprise, but see if you can buck up and carry on from here, OK?

Previously on Dumbass at the Sobriety Check Point

David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy had a previous conviction for, you guessed it, drunk driving! Here comes the shocker…he was driving on a suspended license! A suspended license from….(?)…. his previous drunk driving conviction! This happens and awful lot, especially with the illegal Meskins who come over here to drink our beer and steal our wimmin. I know that for a fact. I read it on the internet. You can look look it up.

Bottom line is David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy is in for a stint at one of Connect-I-Cut’s luxury state penitentiaries where he’ll receive some lovely parting gifts for playing the game and he’ll also get some unwanted attention from various and sundry harden criminals who haven’t had in ass in 5 – 13 years.

Two things come out of this story. 1) another Drunk Driving Dumbass is off the road for a while and 2) David Caruso the I’m Not a TV Star Guy has lost his lifetime membership to DAMM – Drunks Against Mad Mothers.

Dumbass.

****Thanks to the HuffPuffPassPassDon’tBogartPost****

Best of "Dumbass News": Ordering Beer Through 911!

I wrote this post last May, I think, and it contains an absolutely Nobel Prize Worthy in Economics solution to the financial difficulties that face the Communist State of Connecticut. It’s such a simple plan, that I’m surprised some Commie Connecticutter hasn’t proposed it yet. You’ll recognize the sheer brilliance of this idea right away. Provided you are not a Commie Connecticutter. Or a tea totaler. 

I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It’s a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states – Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can’t even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That’s Communism pure and simple. “But, Toby!”, you protest. “You don’t even drink, so what’s the big deal?” Well, here’s your answer, smartypants. It’s un-American! It’s every American drunk’s right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state – like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado – they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it’s too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.

“A 6 pack of Bud to 222 Maine Street? We’re on the way, Mr. Jones!”

There’s a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven – driven, I say! – to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord’s Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin’ for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn’t deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn’t really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He’d make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah…and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that’s another story for another day.

Dumbass.

911 and Beer Delivery – Mutually Beneficial

I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It’s a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states – Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can’t even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That’s Communism pure and simple. “But, Toby!”, you protest. “You don’t even drink, so what’s the big deal?” Well, here’s your answer, smartypants. It’s un-American! It’s every American drunk’s right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state – like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado – they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it’s too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.

“A 6 pack of Budweiser to 111 Main Street? Help is on the way.”

There’s a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven – driven, I say! – to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord’s Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin’ for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn’t deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn’t really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He’d make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah…and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that’s another story for another day.

Dumbass.

Drunk Eye-talians Throwing Christmas Trees Edition of Dumbass News

Do Not Throw

I have read some nice stories about people all over the country having such a wonderful Christmas with their families. Include my family on that list. The Terrero family in West Hartford, Connecticut had a very memorable Christmas, especially 19 year old Francheska. It was a typical Christmas Eve at the Terrero house until Francheska got into the Christmas “spirits”.

The story doesn’t say what prompted Francheska’s outburst, other than the fact that she was bombed, but she must have been in holiday frame of mind because she picked up the family Christmas tree and threw it at her parents! Assuming that ‘Terrero” is an Eye-talian name, I thought throwing Christmas trees at one’s parents might be some sort of weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition. So, being a Professional Internet Blogging Sensation and 10th Degree Black Belt in Google Fu, I went to the best source of Weird Eye-talian Christmas Traditions that I could find. My wife, who is Eye-talian. When I asked her about Christmas Tree Throwing as an Eye-talian tradition, she says to me, “Are you drunk?”. I took that as a “no”.

Anyway, Francheska got smashed on Christmas Eve and threw a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her Mom and Dad. Mom called 911 and reported a 10-86, which in Police 10-code terminology means “drunk daughter throws a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her parents. As Mom was on the phone with the cops, Frankie yanked the phone out her hand and threw that too at her father! I know for a fact that phone throwing on Christmas Eve is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, but it is a weird Christmas tradition for drunk Hungarians. But I digress.

So the heat (cops) show up at the Terrero home and notice that Francheska is FUBAR’ed and that the Christmas tree had been “relocated” and it was surrounded by some shattered ornaments. The police then explain to Francheska that even though Christmas tree throwing is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, it is against the law, especially if you throw the tree at another person. Frankie was charged with disorderly conduct, assault and interfering with a 911 call, not to mention throwing fully decorated Christmas trees at your parents while shit faced without a permit. OK, I made that last charge up.

Francheska was hauled off to jail, Mom and Dad were treated for minor injuries and the Christmas tree suffers from PTSD, so all things considered, everything turned out for the best and we can all be thankful that it wasn’t Thanksgiving and Francheska got hammered and threw a bowl of giblets at her parents. Or is that a weird Eye-talian Thanksgiving Tradition that I am unaware of ? I’ll have to ask my Eye-talian wife about that one. Hopefully, she won’t notice that I’m drunk.  🙂

(hat tip to Heather)