It is said that the Lord works in mysterious ways. Now, I think it means that The Big Guy acts in ways that His children don’t expect. Even non-believers get the gist of this saying.
The Dumbass in our story today takes that old adage to an entirely other level. A level that either gives the Lord a good laugh or He starts making reservations in warmer climes for our Dumbass. Actually, I don’t think God would condemn the poor knucklehead to the Eternal Lake of Fire Where There’s a Lot of Gnashing of Teeth and Other Bad Stuff Forever and Ever for being an idiot, but He may have created a new category of sin in honor of The Guy in This Story.
Let us pray.
Once upon a timeth, in a land far away, the mythical Land of Florida, lived an ordinary man namedeth Sir Frederick of Truluck. Actually, the brutha’s named was simply Fred Truluck, but bear with me here. In this wonderful and magical place called Florida resided many hard working, God fearing people we’ll call “The Tribe of the Normal People”. While certainly hard working and God fearing, Sir Frederick was of a group of citizens who had the collective IQ of a menatlly challenged spit wad, the “Tribe of the Dumbass”.
One glorious day as Sir Frederick of the hamlet of Bradenton was taking a leisurely stroll with his faithful sidekick, Fido the Hound, so Fido could taketh a shiteth, Sir Fred happened upon a fish-shaped object glistening in the bright Florida sunshine. Being a man of Faith, and the fish being a Christian symbol, Fred picked up his piscatorial prize and returned to his humble abode.
It is important to note here that the FSO (Fish Shaped Object) was made of cardboard. Alas! This was not cardboard of an ordinary making! It was cardboard from a box of Corona beer! In case you didn’t know, Corona is a Meskin beer. Further, the word “corona” means “crown”. This tidbit is of the utmost import to our story. Because….
After Fred got home, he placed the FSO on a counter top and went about his bidness for a little while. Upon completing whatever the hell he was doing, Fred picked up the FSO to admire it. I mean, it’s odd enough to find a piece of cardboard in the shape of a fish, but what happened next is a true miracle! Unseen by Fred until this very moment, on the other side of the cardboard FSO from a Corona Beer carton was an image of Jesus! Hallelujah! The Son of Man has appeared on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from a carton of Meskin beer! The End Times are nigh! Face it, sinners, the image of The Word has been seen on potato chips and pieces of toast among other things, so why not on a beer carton? And why not to a guy who was taking his dog on a poop walk?
The Lord may indeed work in mysterious ways, but something in my heart of hearts tells me that appearing on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from the carton of an el cheap-o Meskin beer is not one of them. Call me a skeptic, if you must, but I think that when The Redeemer makes himself known to Mankind it will be in a more Biblical way. Like maybe on the back of a pure white steed in full Satan-killing armor surrounded by Archangel Warriors or something. You know, Armageddon. Beer boxes? Not so much.
So, Fred, lay off the lousy beer and get back on your meds. He Who Sits at the Right Hand of the Father ain’t gonna manifest Himself on a case of barley pop. Got it? This ain’t the Shroud of Turin for cryin’ out loud.
Or a piece of toast.
***Image from Daily Mail***