|I Have Been to the Mountain Top!|
Fellow Dumbasses, I need you today like I’ve never needed you before. I guess that’s because I’ve never needed you before. Literary Brilliance Note: The first two sentences of this post were put there to “hook” you into reading further. That’s why it is called a “hook”. See? It worked.You’re still here, ain’t you? Just like a hungry catfish that can’t resist that big ass hunk of smelly, juicy chicken live on a 3/0 fishing hook, I have reeled you in. Damn, I’m good!
I am facing something that I suppose that every
world famous, adualted, idolized two bit blogger like me encounters every once in a while. You see, when you’re at the top your blogging game a retired middle aged piss ant “wirier” like me, there will come a time when it’s almost impossible to live up stay in the cesspool of daily blogging. Sometimes the Blogging gods look down upon you with pity and bless you with a week’s worth of material that is divinely inspired – like last week. The problem is how in the name of all that is Holy do you follow up such sagacity without taking a dramatic plunge back into the depths of internet darkness? That’s the difficulty I confronted this week. How could I not crash and burn???!!!
On a Roll
I don’t know how it happened but it happened. Another Dumbass Week of outstanding dumbassery inj the shadow of the Dumbassery before it, and I pulled it off with aplomb, never once intimidated by the mission before me. It? “It” is following up last week’s masterpieces with equally hypnotic screeds thus preventing that “falling off a cliff” feeling that so often follows such classic works. When you are in the pits, the fall ain’t so bad, but when you are at the apex of blogging brilliance as I was last week, the long, frightening descent to oblivion gives one an emotion of desperation exceeded only by the thoughts of the sudden stop at the end of the seemingly never ending dive.
Dumbassery for the Ages
Alas, next week will present me with a whole new set of tribulations to conquer. The coming days can wait, however, as I bask in the warm glow of my achievements of yesterweek.
Speaking of yesterweek, I just happened to have saved for posterity the timeless musings of your Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde with your children and grand children in mind. Some day the little
bastiges tykes will grow up and read the heartwarming prose of their ancestors. When that melancholy moment embraces them, a tear will well up in their eyes, memories of long ago suddenly rushing through their minds, an inaudible whisper will caress their lips as it flows to the ears of the Almighty (or one of his sidekicks)…..”Damn. Dad sure was a Dumbass.” <sniffle>
The Timelessness of Excellence
As type through the mistiness of tears blurring my vision, tearsinspired by the
bullshit tenderness, as presented above,of what is yet to come, I impart to you the glue that holds us all together, that all encompassing power that is Dumbassery.
- Learning from the Fwench – Two words I never thought I’d put in the same sentence. “Learn” and “Fwench”. Raise the Fwench National Flag! The solid white one. The end is nigh.Sacre bleu!
- Utah and Moonbats – Two more words I would have bet my gazebos on that I would never put in the same sentence. “Moonbats” and “Utah”. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are mounting up for a ride.
- 9-1-1: Hotline to an Ass Kickin’ – Hello, Police? Would you be so kind as to stop by my place? I need a good ass kickin’. And a few felonies.” The cops are quick to oblige requests like this one.
I told you. Dumabssery that evokes emotion, thought and projectile puking.
Adieu, You Cop Fightin’ Fwench Cougars and…
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Political Correctness. I’ d rather slide down a mile long razor blade nekkid and land in rubbing alcohol than to be PC. As you might have assumed by the previous statement, I ain’t too hip on all this touchy, feely, San Francisco-like crap. You know what I mean, don’t you? “You’re you, I’m me and that’s why I love you”. (Thanks to Lamont Sanford for the quote) Just thinking about this kind donkey doo doo makes me want bleach my brain.
PC is bad enough when used in every day life, but when it oozes like pus from a canker sore into other aspects of our normal routine, like football, High School football even, for Pete’s sake, it has entered Scared Territory and must be confronted with great prejudice. Obliterated. Wiped out. Annihilated.
Yet, oozing onto the gridiron is exactly what this Satan’s Spawn of an ideology has done. In Utah of all places! This travesty has all the earmarks of Cal-ee-forn-yuns relocating to Mormonville and spreading their religion of Liberalism. I could very well be wrong, nonetheless this thing sucks sweaty boar hog gazebos.
Cougars No More
Corner Canyon High School in Draper, Utah is the unwitting victim of a bunch of sissified, politically correct dumbasses that should be summarily rounded up and forced, under the threat of tar and feathers, to listen to William Shatner’s version of Rocket Man for 24 hours straight. Those sub humans would be begging for tar and feathers within 30 seconds.
Utah is Lost
The really sad thing about this PC bullshit is that it wasn’t the Draper School Board or Utah Department of Education that was behind this sinful act. It was the Students of the school! I.Kid.You.Not. This is a new school and the name Cougars was chosen to be the mascot for its athletic teams. I don’t know exactly who chose Cougars to represent Corner Canyon High, but the students in all their skull full of mush glory voted to change mascots from Cougars to Chargers. Why would these kids make such a big deal out of domething as simple as a team nickname feel compelled to do something so damn stoopid. Because they are stoopid! Stoopid from years of Liberal Indoctrination being force fed them by their (some) parents, schools, media and God knows who else.
Hey, if the students of any high school in the USA wants conduct a vote to change the school mascot from one thing to another, that’s great by me. The things about this particular mascot name switcheroo is why the issue was brought up in the first place. The reason? Because “Cougars” is a derogatory name for women on the prowl for younger boyfriends! I just threw up a little in my mouth.
The Truth About Cougars
Do these knuckleheaded young people not realize that cougars have indeed prowled the Earth in one form or another for millions of years?! I can say with 100% certainty that not a single cougar in the history of cougars has ever been on the prowl for younger boyfriends, except maybe for lunch. Correct me if I am wrong, but the term “cougar” (older chicks chasing younger men) didn’t to into being until recently?
No Attending BYU
I don’t know about you, but I always think of older women chasing younger men when on a sportscast I hear, “In high school football action tonight, the Cougars defeated the Lions, 28 – 7.” According to the young dumbasses of Corner Canyon High, this must mean 28 “cougars” went on the prowl and rounded up 7 younger guys and had their way with the poor young men. As a pig of a man, I scream to the highest heavens, “Yay!!!! Lucky bastiges!” But that’s just me.
How resolute will these kids be when they get a scholarship offer from Brigham Young University? After all, the mascot for BYU is, you guessed it, the Cougar! The phrase “show me the money” comes to mind here.
I am of the opinion that not many students or fans of BYU football automatically think of horny older broads chasing after young bucks when they (the fans & students) hear the word “cougar” during the play by play of a Brigham Young U. football broadcast on the radio. I’ll admit that there could be a few, but they are probably from Cal-ee-forn-yah anyway, so that’s to be expected from the perverted little Commies.
Need I remind you that BYU is a Mormon university where, to the best of my knowledge, they are not allowed to smoke, curse, fornicate or drink caffeine? Mormons are very conservative folks and they are the ones who picked the BYU mascot! Something about the terrain in Utah leads me to believe that one reason “Cougars” was chosen as the nic for BYU is that there may be, oh I don’t, some cougars in them thar hills! I’ll go out on limb and speculate nary a one of the females is on the prowl for a younger man – again, except for lunch.
It’s No Fun
I don’t feel some sense of superiority in chastising these younguns, but dammit if they actually believe all this PC Feces, then somebody has the slap a little logic into them, metaphorically speaking of course, and it might as well be me. It’s apparent that their Mothers and Fathers ain’t gonna do it.
As I have stated many times on this blog, I hate to call kids/young adults dumbasses except when it is necessary to the plot. This is necessary to the plot. These young men and women are the Future, maybe even some future ‘cougars”, of our country. They must be at least presented the cold hard facts of common sense by someone with a great deal of life experience when the whole damn lot of ’em have a collective brain fart. They brain farted. I presented.
And I say that with Cougar love. BYU Cougar love.